Andi. That's what she calls herself now. She moved away, started over in a new state, and changed her name when she left her past behind. Her past… That's all I am, because I made the mistake of trying to love her.
We were so close, once. Best friends, sisters, soul-mates… But not lovers. There was a line, and even though I toed it sometimes, I never crossed it because she didn't see me "that way".
For a while, I even managed to pretend I didn't want more than we had. Then I saw those radiantly blue eyes in my dreams. There were no doubts of whose eyes those were: I had the grey streaks in her irises memorized. I found myself looking down into them and remembering how they felt the night before. Her curves haunted me without relent.
I put up with it, because she was in a relationship and so was I and maybe it was just a matter of lust. Suddenly, two of my excuses went fluttering away when her boyfriend left her because he'd found out who he really was was gay--and I called out the wrong name at an inopportune moment when I saw the wrong pair of blue eyes gleaming up at me.
And of course what I felt wasn't mere lust. This was the woman I would gladly give up my life for without a second thought, the woman I would kill for in an instant, the woman I shared every detail of my life with. I loved her, pure and simple, and I wanted her in my arms forever, so I could cherish her and protect her the way no one else could.
So I made a move. I did the one thing that would change our lives for eternity, just not the way I wanted it to.
I kissed her.
I hadn't planned it, I was trying to hold back, but she had just been so goddamned irresistible. It was winter, and she'd come over to my place. We were in the living room, and we'd been playing some card game by firelight when she got fussy about the way I was playing, and we ended up laughing, poking and tickling each other with playing cards strewn all about, and I just couldn't help myself anymore. The fire's light was dancing on her face, and the dancing shadows just made her look so beautiful, especially with her hair falling all around her head as she leaned back against the couch.
I was entranced, and I just leaned in and I couldn't stop. My lips were on hers and I was pulling her to me and I was in sheer heaven because she was losing herself in this moment. Her tongue was right there on mine, and her hands were in my hair, and it all felt so good. I pulled back, just for a second, and I guess she'd had more wine than she could handle because she didn't seem to care about the fact that I was a woman, she just knew I could kiss, just for a second.
That must have been all the consent I needed, because then I was carrying her like the princess she was off to my bedroom and I was showing just how long I'd been waiting for this moment and just how much of the world I would give her. I held her in my arms as I fell asleep, and I was so happy because I didn't know she wouldn't be there when I woke up.
She slipped away soundlessly sometime during the night, and she took every gift she ever gave me with her. She left no note, and if it weren't for the scent on my pillow and the cards on my floor, I would have thought the whole thing never happened.
I finally tracked her down. She left North Carolina for New England, where she grew up, and she's calling herself Andi now. I have her address and her phone number, but I haven't spoken to her yet. I can't. I can't look at my Brandy and call her some other name, I can't be near her and not kiss her again, I can't touch her and not keep her by my side all night long.
Maybe if I'm lucky, someday I'll be able to hold someone else and pretend it's her.
But more likely, I'll just be alone with the memory of my one night of true happiness all my life.
AN: Should I maybe not admit this is inspired by my relationship with my best friend? Hmm… Probably not. Well, happy St. Patrick's Day in spite of my dark side.