the day i met you, i had a tear in my heart
and a crack in my voice.
you were going to invert my world and make me realize my denial.
but i didn't know this. not until
it was too late and i was in too deep.

it took a while to get accustomed to you,
your stormy eyes and even rougher words.
i'm still not used to it, the gleam of anger
and the mere thought that ignites it.

when i finally realized what was happening,
i had no chance of stopping it.
i was reborn the second i came to that conclusion.
i'm learning to walk again, and you're impatiently patient,
standing, pacing next to me
as i kneel, crawl, lurch into a stand, and fall.
ultimately, infinitely, significantly falling.
with your eyes on me,
and it's the calm before the storm that took my breath away.

i keep tripping over my words and
you just watch. your gaze turns carefully blank, expressionless.
uncaring, perhaps? as i stumble.
sometimes you catch me.
mostly, i just bruise my heart. just bleed.

i wish i didn't, but it's you i crave. the pain you cause me. the happiness you give me.
and perhaps i have found a crack in your perfect defense,
the soft light in your eyes as you sit in the watery sunlight next to me.
the vulnerable feeling i so often feel evident in your sad smile.
and i'm sorry. so sorry.
for screwing up and lying and stumbling as your eyes glint, hiding the feeling behind a wall of apathy.
i'm so, so sorry
but you won't ever forgive me.

sometimes when i steal a glance at you, i see that sad, beautiful smile and it's
all i can do not to break apart.