A/N:I dislike the title, I picked it because...well, it's about the first crush I've had since the last crush I had, which was an admittedly unhealthy one. Moving on, I think I might end up editing this one, but I also think I always say that. R&R me, I'll R&R you. -pammy.
The Thrill of the Chase
I can't make it work.
I'm too closed up.
I insist on sitting across from you
when my instincts are demanding I sit next to you.
I'm still playing with my hair instead of holding your hand.
I'm willing to say more, laugh more, explain myself more,
but find myself exhausted when there's still so much to say.
It's really hard for me to talk to too many people,
especially when I think I'm begging for approval,
which is something I wouldn't normally do,
but 'normal' isn't how I feel around you.
I'm fighting my own demons, the ones in my head,
who won't let me look directly at you, they make me look away.
(I've always been shy, but lately I'm just sick of myself.)
It's so much easier to give advice ("Go for it!")
than to actually take it myself ("Idiot!")
Even when I've got the go-ahead,
I find it impossible to...go ahead.
You're too good for me,
and I'm hesitant to take what I deserve,
let alone what I don't, really.
It's not that I'm afraid of you-
("I wouldn't be so mean about it,
if I rejected them at all")
It's more that I'm amazed by you-
("You know you can call if you want")
Don't you know that I messed up?
Didn't I tell you, I'm not enough?
But when I look at you, that's not how I feel...
(Maybe I should?)
I'd like to leave the past as the past,
but my imagination keeps it at the present,
and I can't get over the way I acted.
It's not fair, the way my heart catches fire when you walk into the room.
I think I'm having a heart-attack, I think my heart is under attack.
Most people don't have that effect on me, you're the person I can't ignore.
(And I hate it as much as I like it, at least life is more interesting this way.)
I wish I could say this all to your face,
but every time I try, the demons tell me to hide.