Hi everyone! I'm incredibly sorry for being so late on updating. This was the hardest chapter that I ever had to write, finishing it all up and setting it up for a sequel. That's right, a sequel.
If you want the right feeling for this chapter, download 'Summer Skin' it's what inspired the ending for this, and if you want a preview of what's up for the sequel then find a couple songs from 'Shiny Toy Guns'.
Thank you all for reading and I'll give you a link to the sequel at the end of this chapter.
Sore…. Ow… sore.
That was the first thought as the stirrings of consciousness grabbed at my mind. Wow… deja vu anyone? I was vaguely aware of the mattress beneath me, rather hard and uncomfortable. It was only slightly better than lying on the ground, but aside from that the blankets were warm and tangled around my legs. It was getting hot though, the kind of hot that made everything sticky and gross in the summer. I loosely shift my legs, trying to break free of my cocoon.
Why am I sore?
Oooh yeaah… I had sex. You'd think that was something that you'd remember. My hands were shoved quite firmly beneath the pillow under my head and it took the utmost effort on my part to slide them out from under it. Ugh, pins and needles. I clenched and released my hands to get the feeling back in them. Hmm… happy warm… warm sticky… bleh… happy though.
My eyes opened languidly, not feeling hurried in the early morning haze. I faced the room and the mess it had become the night before. Hah, it looks like a hurricane hit in here. There were many little trinkets on the ground from when I had shoved them from the dresser, clothes scattered left and right, condoms and wrappers here and there. I chuckled. Well, if you're going to make an impression…
You might as well go all the way.
And we did. I smiled to myself, basking in the warm glow of accomplishment. I had taken Haven from running away to taking me with fire and vigor. Damn straight to a curly straw in fourteen days flat. New record! I rubbed my cheek against the blankets taking a deep breath. Now… all I need to do is see if he stayed… or not. I just need to roll over… just… roll over. Do it. Now. Or… now. Now? How about now?
I'm such a pussy sometimes.
I can always track him down later if he's not in the bed anymore… we all have breakfast at the same place. I nodded and rolled over, closing my eyes in the process. Alright… now all I need to do is open my eyes. It's not that hard, I've done it every day since the day I was born… but without consequences. It's not really consequences… it's… uh… just my heart.
And who really cares about that?
I'd hope Haven would…What am I doing? I'm being an idiot. Being all mushy and soft and-and-and-My mouth stiffened into a thin line as a lump rose in my throat. I'm just being stupid. Why would he ever like me? Fall in love with me? He's probably gone. Long gone! I'll leave without seeing him. How could he? How could he leave me after all I sacrificed for him. I-I hate him-Damn bast-I jerked my eyes open suddenly and chipped off the thought mid word. My chest loosened in relief.
I love you.
Haven lay across from me, just as tangled in the sheets as I had been. His chest rose and fell, face blank and sweet in sleep. There you are… I shouldn't jump to conclusions. I'm really bad with that. I'll try and work on that flaw in particular. I leaned over slowly, easing myself from the blankets, realizing how very, very naked I was. I slid onto my elbows, pressing my lips briefly to Haven's parted lips before sliding backwards off the bed. Omgosh! Cold floor-bare feet! Cold floor and bare feet!
I shivered and skittered across the floor gathering my clothes. I shoved on my boxers and hopped around trying to pull my skinny jeans up on my hips. Damn these skinny jeans they are way too much work! It's like nice lingerie; it only stays on for about ten seconds, what's the point of wearing it? Skinny jeans: a gay boy's lingerie. I shrugged on the button up shirt, not extending the effort to do it up.
Clean shirts get effort, not dirty ones.
I bit my lower lip, looking back at Haven and the mess in the room, and then turned to the door. I grabbed the handle and eased it quietly open sliding through the crack then closed it behind me. I winced, finding it uncomfortable to walk. I'm such a Sadomasochist. Idiot boy I am. Jeeze, I need to grow a few feet so I can get out of this damn height rule. If I was wearing my boots while screwing I'd get around the height rule every time.
I'd get three foot platforms if it meant avoiding that pain again.
I carefully sauntered down the stairs, wincing with every second step, easing a soft almost unnoticeable limp into my walk. I need Tylenol. Of course, I thought of this after leaving Haven's cabin. As a councilor he'd probably have Tylenol for headaches after dealing with all the teenagers here. And over Zealous gay boys.
Especially the latter.
My limping walk led me back to my cabin which wasn't all that far from those of the councilors. It was early enough that no one else was awake. I mean, no one would be up this early, no one sane that is. I don't even know why I'm awake this ear… oh… haha, I just made some sort of comment on my sanity. Well whaddya know, eh?
I think I deserve a big breakfast; I burned a lot of calories last night. A hellova lot of calories. I think I dropped five pounds. I want pancakes, pancakes and bacon and eggs and sausages-actually… no sausages. I've had enough sausages for a while. I shuddered at the thought.
Skinny jeans were a bad idea.
Especially for someone recovering from the underside of gay sex. Blarg. I hopped up the steps to my cabin, immediately regretting that decision and sporting a more pronounced limp found my way into the long hall of bunk beds.
Need… clean… clothes…
I shuffled through my clothes which I had packed so carefully and exchanged my skinny jeans and button up shirt for something clean. My fingers lingered on the fabric of my pastel plaid bondage pants. They were better than my other choices so I threw them over my shoulder along with a pair of boxers and my wife beater. It's sorta dirty but at least it isn't sweaty sex dirty.
Mmm sweaty sex-no not mm. Sweaty bottom sex isn't all that much fun until halfway through.
Maybe I'd be more into the bottom stuff if there was a checkpoint or something you could continue from the next time around. Save point dammit, save point! I grabbed my razor, brush, conditioner, toothbrush, shampoo and deodorant, wrapping them in my shirt so I could carry them in a bundle along with my towel. I turned on my heel and slipped from the cabin as if I had never been there.
I'm like, James Bond or something.
Only with less hetero sex. James Bond, 0069. I meandered down the path to the showers, sidestepping the many little toads that were out in the morning dew. Ugh, the spawn of the mother toad. It's some sort of toad invasion. What they lack in size they make up for in numbers, where's the tomato sauce when you need it?
No one was in the shower area. I dumped my things on the counter and pulled off my clothes, being particularly careful this time. Any jerking actions led to the dull aches and pulled muscle feelings exploding in larger tendrils of pain. Next time I'm doing stretches before having sex. It'll be like training for the Olympics-which actually it's very much like. Only the Olympics way back when in Greece, when they had naked mud wrestling. Ew… that mud would get everywhere… Like sand. It's unpleasant.
Now time for clean!
I stepped into the shower and scrubbed down languidly. Taking my time to wash off all the sweat, grime and… Other things that stuck to my body. I let out a soft sigh, feeling the warmth surround my body. It was hard to force the thought of 'what if' and 'what now?' out of my head, but for the time being I wanted to be happy.
I let my hand rest on the handle for the shower for a moment longer then shoved it down to turn off the water, getting a cold blast at the last second I yelped. Good mother of God why do they do that?! I hate the turny things that go from cold to hot and you can't turn off one at a time or something. So it's always really cold or really hot. Ugh. Bleh. Mean!
Makes you wonder…
…If someone is watching and laughing at every person who gets scalded or frozen because of the flimsy design. Damn the faucet people. I grabbed my towel to dry off and pulled on my clothes slowly. Everything I did was now in slow motion, it felt like everything was in slow motion, everything was surreal. And in only a few hours I'd be on the bus heading home. Depression sunk in my chest. I was going to be going home.
I never thought I'd be sad about leaving this place.
It's not so much this place that I'm going to be sad about leaving… but Haven. Gawd, why did I have to get so attached to him? This was supposed to be a spring fling and nothing more… and yet, it's so much more. I pulled the brush through my brilliant blond hair, watching it fall into place thanks to the permanent part down the center of my head. At least something's going right today.
Besides waking up with Haven…
I shoved my toothbrush in my mouth, walking up to the sinks, rethinking over all that had happened. There was a lot to think about. Maybe I'll take a toad home to remember this by-What the hell am I thinking?! I don't want a toad! Ew. That's just gross! I must have hit my head when I jumped off that stupid cliff.
Maybe spidermouse? You know what. I'm just not going to think anymore. No more thinking. I am now shutting my brain off. End transmission. I spat in the sink and rinsed off my toothbrush, washing out my mouth. Now I was clean and just needed to be fed and watered.
I wonder if the cafeteria is open yet?
I left the showers, finding that the world had begun to stir and the dew had started to dry while the sun rose in the sky. I'm damn near poetic I must say. There were only a few puddles left over from the rain on the first day, and those puddles were poor excuses for puddles as it were. Just a simple round circle of mud that hadn't quite dried up.
Still not going to step in it.
Hah. The mud mafia has been defeated by the awesome powers of the sun! Take that mud Mafia. I'm sure a little Tide could take care of the stain as well… Tide to Go! Like Fruit to go! I like saying Fruit to go like Frudugo! People still know what you're talking about but it's one word instead of three. Frudugo! I rubbed down my backside as I walked, frowning.
Maybe I should send a letter of apology to all the guys I've done in the past…
I wonder what I'd write inside. I wonder if I could even find a card that would be appropriate… 'I'm sorry that I'm a sadist' no, that isn't it um… 'I'm sorry for using you as a girl' Nope… 'So sorry for sticking my-' You know what never mind. I don't think there's a card that would explain it. I slid my hands into my pockets, breathing in the crisp morning air. It was cool and goose bumps formed on my skin.
Now that's something I haven't had in a while-no, don't think about food. It will only make you hungrier. I pulled a hand from my pocket and placed it on my stomach which growled hungrily. "Shh, I'm sorry for waking up so early." I mumbled to it, not realizing how odd it would look to anyone who was watching me. Then again they all find me weird to begin with so me talking to my stomach probably wouldn't phase them in the slightest.
Food-food. Food. Now. Yes.
I wonder if the cafeteria ladies would have Tylenol… Can't hurt to ask. I approached the large building, leaning against the door to see if it would open before realizing for the third time that it was a pull door. Actually it may hurt to ask if they realize that I was the kid that had bolted from the kitchen after appearing on Haven's lap…
Naaah, they'd never remember that… I hope.
If they do I'll just explain to them that I'm having a gay relationship with one of the councilors and that it was all part of an elaborate plan to seduce him into bed with me… that worked. Oddly enough. I shook my head and pulled the door open, finding a few people were already scattered about eating breakfast, the majority of them girls as no guy in their right mind would wake up before noon. They're going to have to though… I think we leave at one. My chest seized at the thought. I shouldn't have left Haven's cabin… I only have four more hours here. My heart began to hammer and my stomach growled more insistently. Okay, let's put it like this. If I don't eat, then I won't enjoy myself. Alright. Food first. Then Haven.
Alright. Sounds like a plan.
I limped my way towards the short line to the food stock, breathing in the smell of pancakes and bacon. My stomach growled more demandingly, insisting I hurry up at getting to the front and pile on the strawberries-Mmm fresh strawberries.
I love strawberries.
I held out my plate, watching the pancakes, omelet and bacon being piled on my plate. I politely declined the sausage. I've had enough sausage in me for a lifetime. I shuddered at the thought and skirted the tables that people were sitting at, finding an empty one to sit at.
My stomach had finally adjusted to the camp food, and as with most things it had happened just as I no longer needed it to be. I shoveled the pancakes in and drowned them with orange juice. I love orange juice. Grape juice isn't that good. It reminds me of cough syrup which reminds me of being sick. Anything grape always tastes the same, and doesn't taste anything like grapes, which is odd.
Food now. Thinking later.
I was rather disappointed at the fact that there were no hash browns but putting that aside the breakfast was delicious sand definitely satisfying. I finished my orange juice and sat back, leaning against the wall taking a look out the window. The trees ducked down towards the lake. I frowned. Those flasks were expensive. Maybe I should have thought it through before going on my first impulse.
I act far too much on impulse.
This entire thing was started on impulse. I saw something pretty and I wanted it, and I was too stubborn to admit defeat… now I'm emotionally involved. Shit. I pushed the syrup soaked crumbs of pancake around on my plate, they were too sickly sweet even for me. And my stomach was already turning… but it wasn't because of the pancakes.
The more I thought of Haven the more my chest sunk and ached. I felt as if someone had grabbed under my ribs and started to pull. And they were pulling fecking hard. I love him. I love him. I. Love. Him. The words echoed in my head as I tried to mouth them. 'I love you Haven. I, love you, Haven. I. Love you. Haven.' I mouthed the words and sighed, dropping my head against the table, pushing the plate away before my forehead could meet the sticky syrup.
Why do I love him?
Because… he's good to me. No matter how much of a bitch I am to him. How can someone fall in love in two weeks? To put so much emotional attachment into someone that it hurt this much just to…. I'm over thinking this. I ran my fingers over my eyes and let out a sigh, wanting to melt away into the table and just stop.
Stop this heartache.
I grabbed my fork-the damn plastic fork and began to tap the prongs against the table, trying to find some relief for the epic angst that was building in my chest. No matter what I did I couldn't find a way to convince my heart, my chest, my being that it would be good to get away from Haven and that this part of my life was over. People fall in and out of love all the time. Ill be okay and I'll be stronger for it.
Now, if only I could believe those words.
I closed my eyes tightly. The fork snapped. I held what was left of the stem in my hand, the jagged edge that was left now dug firmly into the table, bending under the pressure I put on it. Stop moping and get moving. There's unfinished business to get to… like saying goodbye to Haven.
But I don't want to say goodbye.
Maybe he'll give me his number.
But he probably won't.
Maybe we only live like a few blocks apart, it'll be something that we can laugh about in the future.
This isn't some Hollywood movie that's a stupid idea.
Maybe… maybe we can stay in touch.
Another stupid idea,. If he hasn't talked about contacting me in the time we've spent together he's probably not going to do it.
Why do I even bother?
Because I want to have something to hope for?
Yes. Because I want to have something to hope for. Even if that hope only lasts a few hours.. a few minutes. Even a few secounds.
It's worth it even if it only lasts a few secounds.
Maybe he's fallen in love with me too.
Though it's probably just a fling.
He doesn't seem like the kind of man who would have a fling though.
He doesn't seem like the kind of man who would sleep with boys.
I took deep shaky breath, and pushed away form the table, wandering towards the doors, though the crowd of happy teenagers gathered around tables, scarfing back their food. I should have pursued that blond boy… not the blond man. In retrospect I didn't expect things to go as far as they did. My hands went to my back pockets unconsciously and I winced as my stride inched too long in a step.
At the most I thought a blowjob each…
Not love, not thoughts of a future, no-not thoughts. Wishes. They're wishes. I pushed the door open and strode through out onto the grass, looking up into the sky. It was blue, same as it had always been. The grass was green. The same as it had always been. Clouds were white… and yet, it felt different.
My thoughts had wandered to whether or not Haven would be awake. He's… he's probably awake. He could… probably… be… I looked down at my feet as I walked, steps light on one side, limping. What the hell is that-butt ugly shoes-I crashed head long into the wearer of said ugly shoes, grabbing onto the soft fabric of a band T.
My heart skipped a beat. My eyes flickered up. Haven must have been approaching me and had expected me to stop. I kept my head down and held onto the fabric, attempting to memorize the feeling between my fingers.
"Kade? Are you okay."
"Yeah, sorry." I looked up at him, and grinned lopsidedly, brushing my blond hair out of my eyes. I felt my chest ache again, like someone had grabbed my heart and started to squeeze. I gave his chest a pat, letting go of his shirt.
"It's okay, think nothing of it."
He's antsy. My heart sunk further into my stomach. He's antsy and he's uncomfortable. Haven shifted his weight from foot to foot, taking a step back away from me, putting at least a foot of distance between him and I.
It felt like miles.
"A-alright. If you say so." There was a long awkward silence between us, each pretending to listen for something, to something. I didn't really care. I was too busy focusing on the tension growing between us. I wonder when it's going to snap… "So," Haven took an unsteady first step. "Have you eaten yet?"
He's just going to pretend it never happened…
Fine. I can play that game too. My jaw clenched briefly before I smiled and nodded. "Yeah I did, but if you hadn't I'll join you."
"Are you packed?"
"Yeah, I packed this morning after… I packed this morning." I clicked my jaw shut, cutting my sentence short seeing Haven positively squirm. It was just sex. My jaw ones more clamped shut. It was just sex you stupid boy. I put myself out there for you-I-I- had to stop thinking like that or I would have lunged at the man that very secound.
How dare he. How. Dare. He!? I sacrificed so much for him and he can't even take the suggestion that we slept together-no. No. Calm. Deep breathes. Deep. Breathes. I straightened placing my hands on my hips, shifting my weight form one side to the other, wincing at the none all too thought out motion.
"Well… if you want to join me then I guess you can."
You guess?! Have you invited me or not? Are you trying to make it look like this is one sided? My eyes narrowed but I nodded, once more putting on the now sickly sweet smiles. I'm a good actor. "Yeah, I'd like that a lot, Haven." I put an uncomfortable amount of emhasis on his name.
"Come on, I think today is pancakes."
"Yeah," I confirmed. "Today is pancakes." I fell in step behind him, struggling to keep in stride with the man. "Haven," I breathed looking up. "Can you please slow down a bit." I limped somewhat pathetically, feeling like a puppy that had been kicked. Haven glanced over his shoulder and flushed. I watched the rich colour flood his face. His steps slowed. At least he still listens to me.. somewhat.
That's right. Get your ass back here. Carry me dammit.
"You… okay?" Somehow it felt as if this question had already been answered. At least he's showing something reminiscent of concern. I think.
Once more. Not really.
"I've been better." I answered, sighing quietly under my breath as I caught up with him. He adjusted his strode to match mine. I…. I wish I had something solid here. I… Don't know how to feel.
"Oh… did I hurt you?"
Tentative question. Glad you have the balls to ask.
"Yeah." I told him honestly. It didn't just hurt, it killed. I swear half my brain cells committed suicide so they wouldn't have to deal with it. I looked him over, he seemed to shrink slightly. Stupid man. Stupid man and his stupid questions.
I don't see how I can keep forgiving you.
You had better appreciate this. Me. Everything. Etc. Stupid man. "Oh." Was his simple reply. Simple reply from a freaking simple man. Epic fail.
I watched him squirm uncomfortable in his own skin. If he's so regretful now he should have never done this-me, in the first place. I placed my hands slowly behind my back and took a deep breath. Should I put him out of his misery? Should I cut him a break? I don't see why I should. What has he done for me lately?
Besides the obvious.
Fine. I'll shoot the wounded beast. "Let's not think of that." I reached out and touched his forearm. He put his will into not pulling away. My heart is dead meat. Just flaccid dead rotting corpse meat. Ew. I think I grossed myself out. "Come on, you must be hungry." I caught his wrist and pulled him back towards the cafeteria. I wasn't hungry.
I think I've lost my appetite for good.
It probably started with my lack of dependance on sweets now… Stupid Haven. First he takes away my sugar and then he stomps on my heart. How could I let him have so much control over me? I pulled the door open and let it swing wide so we could both hop in. It was that sort of hop step where you hoped the door wouldn't come and catch you halfway through.
The sort of fear every person has.
It's so common and you feel so stupid when the door does catch you. Humans are so silly sometimes.
Like when they're in love.
We approached the little serving runway again, all the food displayed in it's finery as we, instead of it, strutted downward. I guess that makes the food more of a manikin than a model. I bit my lower lip, waiting at the end for Haven to meet me. Modeling is the most publically accepted form of prostitution.
Though stripping definitely pays more.
And with stripping you get to live out your childhood dream. Just think about it, if you wanted to be a fireman, a policeman, a cowboy, a ninja-though a ninja wouldn't be a very good stripper, their clothes would be off and on before you could even realize what had happened.
They probably wouldn't even have to take their clothes off.
They could just take your wallets and leave… Haven bumped my shoulder to get my attention and I followed his lead, sitting at a table up against the windows at the far side of the cafeteria, on the opposite but same general area as the table I had been at before.
Now… do I start idle conversation? I started to fiddle with one of the sugar packets on the table, twisting it and fingering the jagged little paper teeth. Do I try to press a more… serious issue? Maybe I should just sit-
"- you leave?"
Dammit falling back into old habits of not paying attention. "Uh, pardon me?" I decided to clean up my thoughts and attempt to be more polite. Not that he gives me the same common courtesy.
"I said, What time do you leave?"
The now all too familiar feeling of dread filled my chest to the brim and threatened to pour past my lips in what was only going to be my breakfast. I swallowed hard. "Uh," I glanced around the cafeteria looking for the clock. "In… uh…" In way too soon. "In an hour."
Misery, oh misery. There's a song in here somewhere. I swear when I get home all those stupid emo songs are going to make sense. The packet in my fingers ripped apart and showered sugar everywhere. I glanced to Haven. Our eyes held for a moment before an equally as strained chuckle moved between us.
"Do you throw it over your shoulder?"
"No," I smiled tersely, keeping my tone soft. "That's salt. Dummy." I stuck my tongue out playfully sticking my finger to the table then placed it in my mouth.
"Haven't you kicked that habit yet?"
Habit? I have no habit.
"… no." I narrowed my eyes at him, my features soon softened. Even in play I can't stay angry at this stupid kid.
"I'm going to have to have an intervention for you."
Haven laughed, shaking his head as he demolished his breakfast. "Well it's not really an intervention if I know about it is it?"
"Oh no, that's a surprise party not an intervention, sweetheart."
I was close.
"Same difference. Your presents versus my presence." I raised my chin looking across at Haven.
"You," He paused for emphasis. "Are a very odd fellow."
I winked and smiled over at him. "It's part of my charm."
Haven rolled his eyes and pushed his food around, I kept myself busy by picking up another packet, waiting for him to finish. He got up, cleaned his plate and dropped his tray in a pile of the rest that had been stacked lazily on a table.
"Let's go get your bags."
But… I don't want to go.
"Alright." I complied, there wasn't much use in saying no. What was I going to do? Cling to his leg and hope he'd take me home? It may work for puppies but I doubt it'd work for me. We quickly returned to my cabin and he picked up the bag and suitcase with ease. Mm… muscly muscles. No. No bad. No ogling the man now.
The buses were parked no more than a stones throw away. People were gathered around them, chatting, putting their bags in, being general nuisances to the world. Gawd I hate teenagers.
Haven walked up to the back of the bus, I watched him with a heavy heart. Fuck this hurts so bad. So fucking bad. My eyes slid over his muscles as they strained under that stupid tight band t-shirt, tossing my bags under the back seat of the bus. He dusted his hands off on his not skinny but not overly thick jeans.
Heart. Freaking. Breaking.
He's a bull in my china shop of a chest. It's cheesy but I don't care! I'm in pain. Fuck off. I can be cheesy if I want to. I pushed my fingers through my blond hair, closing my eyes to gather my thoughts. Not that they could ever be truly gathered. They're scattered. Like marbles. That I've lost.
The common saying is that I've lost my marbles I suppose.
To put it in laymen's terms. Haven moved back towards me as the other boys shoved their bags on, hanging out in their small groups or gathering onto the bus. I didn't care about them. My eyes were trained on Haven. Haven and his perfect wavy hair. Haven and his beautiful clear eyes. His stupid Tattoo. His slim yet expansive shoulders. Idiotic probably Indie band T. Rugged Jeans. Medium built legs. And those stupid, stupid ugly ass shoes.
I hate those shoes.
I found myself staring at his shoes and flushed with embarrassment as he was so floes I could see the threads of the shoelaces if I had truly been interested in shoelace strands. Which I wasn't. He's hot and I love him but not enough to think that his shoelace strands are interesting.
There is only so far that my love will go.
And it's not shoelace strand far. I jerked my chin up, still red as a beet. "Everything's packed away, Bob."
I snorted and cocked an eyebrow at him, tilting my head to the side. "Excuse me, Bob?"
"Yeah… Bob the Tomato, from Veggie Tales… because you're red."
Lucky for me the oddness of this had caused my blush to fade.
"Ah… you're odd. Don't quit your day job." I reached out and pet his arm. "Leave the comedy to me. I'm the funny one; you're just the sex appeal… wait. I'm the sex appeal too, I don't even know why you're here."
"I don't think you should quit your day job either."
Oh ha. Ha. Jerk.
The bus rumbled behind us as the key was jammed into the ignition. I shuddered. Oh all the metaphors, innuendos and other memories the word play causes me to remember. The stragglers that had been chatting up camp friends broke from their packs and trotted into the bus. Such happy little cattle they are.
To the slaughter they go.
I shifted my weight from foot to foot as that very uncomfortable, very familiar silence fell on us. It wasn't that kind of silence that covered both of us, the kind of silence that was formed because we needed no words. This was an awkward silence. He's… he's not going to get my number… or give me his.
I'm never going to see him again.
I glanced back at the bus and took a deep shuddering breath. The same ones I had been taking since I woke up. People on the bus briefly glanced out to see what was holding them up, but quickly returned to talking with their friends. I wasn't all that interesting. I scuffed my foot on the ground, kicking a rock across the dried mud. It skittered to a halt in the grass.
"Hey-can you give me a sec?"
Ow-whiplash. I looked up at Haven quickly. "Y-yeah. Of course." I managed to stutter without swallowing my tongue, which now seemed too big for my mouth. Freaking heart messing with my entire body.
"There's just something I forgot." He smiled at me, Stupid bastard. He acts as if there's nothing wrong. Nothing fucking wrong at all. Like he has no attachment to me at all. Like everything's going to be fine! Unless he's going to go get a paper and pencil I- I- I don't know!
Haven turned on his heel, cutting through the buses to walk towards the cabins. He's probably just going to leave. Going to leave and never come back. The easiest way to say goodbye would be to never say goodbye at all. I could probably catch up to him without the buses leaving…
I love you. I, love you. Love you.
Love. No. No matter how many times I practice saying it in my head, I'll never be able to say it out loud. Even if I say it out loud I won't be able to say it to him. He needs to come soon… he's probably not going to come at all… The buses want to go. I can't keep them much longer. I'm… I'm going to have to leave without saying anything.
I can't just leave!
I have to tell him. I have to say something. I have to… I… I've grown. I've changed. I've learned and so has he. He… he needs to know. I need to get it off my chest. Even if he reaches inside it and rips out my heart. I was knocked out of my thoughts when Haven shoving a box into my hands, I looked up at him, my eyes filled with confusion. He didn't give me the chance to speak, the awkward falter of his footing as he swooped in betrayed his intentions.
Haven's lips met mine in a flustered, panicked kiss, the rush of bodies crushing together, the box in my hands keeping our chests apart and my hands busy. His hands gripped my arms, holding me in the kiss. My heart swelled in my chest, threatening to burst as it thundered into life.
And then it was done.
He tore away from me and pushed me towards the bus. I stumbled over my own feet, swallowing hard as tears threatened to fill my eyes. No… they were there. I held them in, foot on the step, slipping off it, sending my crashing onto them, hitting my hip. I choked a quiet sob back down my throat and scrambled up the steps, clutching the box to my chest.
I moved past the ripple of rumor and found an empty space, throwing myself into it, shoulder smacking the wall, tears now dripping down my cheeks. I breathed in raggedly, shaking subtly. I stared down through the ripples of salt and water at the last remnant of Haven I had.
A fucking box.
My steadily shaking hands reached out, delicately opening the shoved together top. My tears caught on the curve of my chin, finding the contents to be the dirty, worn, loved and fucking ugly pair of converse shoes that stupid man had so lovingly donned every day. The bus pulled around in an arc towards the main road. I looked out through the window to see Haven standing in the grass amongst the dried mud in his tight Band T, not too loose, not to tight jeans, and white socks. Waving.
I broke down into sobs and pressed my forehead against the cool faux leather seats, eyes shut tightly, clutching those stupid shoes to my chest. All I had left were those stupid, stupid shoes.
And so… I went home. I went home and I came out to my parents. I always knew in my heart that they suspected… I had never seen my mom cry so much. I had never seen my dad so mad. I packed my things that week and arranged to take my last few months of school through correspondence. I… left home. Without a word. I stayed with family out east and cut off all ties in the west. They still don't know where I am to this day. Or what I'm doing… who I'm doing. I went to college for a year or two, trying to find out who I was, and what I wanted to do. I fell into modeling almost by accident. I also… started doing things I regret, but I can't stop. On rainy days I always think back to that spring, and my first love. So far, only love. I just keep thinking back… and regretting. Regretting being so young, so pushy. Regretting not asking, demanding his number… I packed so fast I forgot those damned shoes…
It took me five years to go back to my old home. I found my room as it had been the day I left… as if they were waiting for me to come back. They weren't around when I did, I just wanted to get a few things I had left in my hurry. I pulled boxes down from the shelf, cringing as they all toppled into a pile, those same, ugly cross hatched red white and yellow shoes tumbled across the floor. They were beautiful in a way, in a way where they were so full of memories that those memories alone made them beautiful. I reached out and picked up the shoes, shaking them just in case mice had made nests inside. A paper slipped form inside and floated whimsically to the ground. I reached out and picked it up. In neatly aligned numbers was a phone number, underneath that a name. Haven.
Summer camp was long over. But my life had just begun, and I was going to find him. No matter how long it took.
I hope you all pay attention to these, as they're very important XD such as A SEQUEL. Omgosh dun dun dunn… Bwahaha. Everyone excited to see Kade as an adult? I know I am. Here's the link:www.fictionpress. com /s/2583755/1/
p.s. I love you all. You really make my day.