i can't come up with the right word to describe this.
i can't even hold a normal conversation.
could i sustain myself enough to seek what i need?
i considered this morning my future.
it was bright, long, and lusty.
now i can't hold my head above water long enough to even know if i have a future.
(i only matter to him when he can feel my curves or see my body.)
what difference does my sad excuse for a life make?
i'm being melodramatic and unfair.
but he's right.
life's been abusing me.
has been for years.
i can't handle this anymore.
i'm fucking crazy.
i can't talk to anyone for more than a few minutes without getting mad.
or simply choosing to ignore the reason that i'm upset.
my life is shit.
i can't believe i'd lie to myself like this.
i can't believe i'm letting myself feel this way.
then again give me a good reason not to.
(give me any reason not to.)
in my desperate search for something … more, i'm failing.
what would qualify as more?
i know that even if i found what i was looking for, i'd still be unsatisfied.
nothing pleases me.
nothing's good enough.
everything i have is of no value to me.
not even my life.
he should be everything to me.
he is everything to me.
but somehow, he's still not enough.
(nothing's ever enough.)
he can't read my mind.
but do you really have to read my mind to know what i'm thinking?
doesn't my body, my mouth say enough?
my mind doesn't agree with what's in my heart.
my indecisiveness is killing me.
it will lead to my demise.
it will be my ruin.
someday, my indecisiveness will make my worst decision.
it will choose my death, the end of everything.