Nullified

In the shower for
hours, my head to the wall,
cold water on shoulders
hunched over,
I pondered my life
explicitly, an
epileptic inquisition
on how I've
been living.
I am loveless and
honest, distributed
uneven on a slate
made clean again,
my pages erased without
question or lecture, I am
foolishly winded by the
decisions I made that
got me this far.
Bold and lonesome,
this journey is weary and
somehow I know what
I don't want to know,
that I don't want any more anymore.
Head to the wall,
the water is hotter,
everything I've conquered is
waste without you.
I take showers by hours
until water
boils my skin:
I am worthless,
emotionless,
a canvass made blank again.