The Man Wore Velcro Shoes

The Man Wore Velcro Shoes

Note: In this comedy, a particularly lazy man, Max, likes taking the easy way out of everything. His wife, Laverne and his children, Timothy and Claudia have had enough. With that they decree an ultimatum. Start with small changes, like shoes you actually TIE when you put them on.

CAST

Max Coulter:

Laverne Coulter:

Timothy Coulter:

Claudia Coulter:

Marissa Gunter the personal trainer:

Lars Gunter the personal trainer (her husband):

Julia Gunter (their daughter):

Narrator:

Scene 1—Leisurely Lifestyle No Longer

Narrator: This is a story of a slothful man by the name of Max Coulter. It is also the tale of an ultimatum, and the drive and desire to do something to continue to possess something so precious, so personal that Max would do anything to keep it within his grasp…

(Typical Saturday night and Max is watching a basketball game. He is cheering for the Orlando Magic, and most especially for Shaq. He has in his right hand, a HUGE bag of Cheetos, in his left, an enormous "Big Gulp" of Cola. He burps loudly.)

Max: WOO ! Yeah ! Go Shaq ! In the paint, yes !

Claudia: (groans) Is dad watching basketball again ?

Tim: (rolling eyes, begrudgingly) Yes, unfortunately. That's all he ever does on Saturdays. In fact, that seems to be the only activity he has.

Max: (laughing at commercials) Hey, honey…do we have any candy lying around ?

Laverne: (moans) Yes, sure we do, dearest. But why can't you get up and get it ?

Max: Because, my love, you are much more limber and flexible than myself. And besides, the game is getting good.

Laverne: (scoffs) Please…Orlando's in the lead. It's the 2nd half. It's a given they're going to win it.

Max: (pouting) You don't know that !

Laverne: (fingers on temples, in a 'spooky voice') By my powers of discernment, I can guarantee you….Wooooo….The Magic wiiiiiiiilll wiiiiiin this gaaaaame todaaaaaay !

(Buzzer blares...)

(Announcer over TV: And your winners, ladies and gentlemen, Orlando Magic. 101 to 55. Man, the Sonics just weren't on their game tonight.)

Laverne: (slyly) Told ya.

Max: You and your deductive reasoning. How DO You do that ?

(Max notices one of his straps has come undone.)

Max: Oh, damn. (strains to reattach it) Ah. Much better.

Tim: (fed up) That's it. Every day, this is the same scene played over and over…

Claudia & Tim: And over and over.

Laverne: (turns off his TV)

Max: (wagging finger) Oh no you didn't.

Laverne: Unfortunately, chubby hubby, I did.

Max: (crosses arms, pouts)

Laverne: This is an intervention.

Claudia: Things have got to change dad !

(Tim nods)

Max: (confused) Why do you say that ? I'm in perfect shape ! (tries to get up from his chair but has no ability to do so) Give me a moment ! (finally gets up after straining quite a bit) Viola ! Fit as a fiddle ! Get it, "viola ?"

Tim: (unimpressed) Lame.

Max: O…kay. I guess I'm not going to get anywhere lying. So…what's this (quoting) "intervention" all about anyway ?

Laverne: Like we said before, there have to be changes made.

Tim: You used to be the paragon of fitness, but then you became lazy. I tried to get you interested in playing tennis and handball with me but you passed.

Claudia: I was at least hoping you'd bowl with me sometimes.

Laverne: And…there is absolutely no sex whatsoever ! (nearly hysterical laughter)

(Tim and Claudia's eyes grow large and they look horrified)

Tim: Ugh mom, TMI.

Claudia: Yeah, no doubt…Ick. (imitates gagging)

Max: (sigh) Alright, I realize I slipped into some bad habits. So, what's my penalty ?

Laverne: We're actually getting you help from my best friends. They're trainers. They'll be assisting you. If this training program doesn't work, you can say goodbye to your Velcro shoes. If it does, you can keep them, but keep trim.

Max: (glowering) Oh, that is low. The lowest of the low ! You can't do that !

Tim: Actually we can. Dad we're concerned.

Claudia: You will have help and we'll be cheering you on. In fact, we will be joining you.

Max: (feeling a bit chagrined, and mortified as well) Don't any of you breathe a word of this to my coworkers. If they hear anything about this I will be the laughing stock of the workplace. (shakes finger angrily and then makes a threatening fist at them all) So help me if I ever get out of this chair I will beat you within an inch of your lives !

Laverne: Idle threats, my dear…(leans over to kiss him)

Max: She's right. I got nothin'. (sees another interesting show on TV) Alright, time for Law & Order ! Doink, doink !

Scene 2—Welcome to Fitness Boot Camp…At Home

(Max awakens in his chair, surrounded by Cheetos, and his hands are still orange from having finished the entire contents of the bag. He sees two trainers standing before him, big smiles on their faces, and his family, dressed in athletic attire.)

Max: (yawn) I must still be dreaming. I'd better go back to sleep…(stretches and tries going back to sleep)

Lars: I hate to say this Max, but you're not dreaming !

Max: (screeches) Usually people in my dreams don't talk back !

Lars: (helps him out of the recliner) That's because…(overly dramatic sigh and groan) don't you listen ? This isn't a dream, it's reality.

Marissa: (nods in agreement)

Max: (downtrodden) That's what I feared.

Marissa: It's not going to be so bad…just give it a try. After all, everyone else is pulling for you.

Tim: (thumbs up)

Claudia: Yea, dad ! We know you have it in you !

Max: (getting changed by Lars and Marissa) Yeah, but I don't know if I have it in me. This is unusual…heck, this is just plain weird for me. And I look ridiculous in this. Come on, you guys know I look horrible in yellow.

Marissa: It was the only color that would fit you, Max.

Lars: Regrettably sorry, old man.

Max: No…(furrowed eyebrows) You're not Lars. You sadists are enjoying this aren't you ? Aren't you, you sick, demented freaks !

Marissa: Oh, no. No, not at all. But you can't just stand around all day. Come on, we're burning daylight.

Max: Oy…what a taskmaster.

Lars: (slightly sinisterly) You ain't seen nothin' yet, comrade.

Scene 3—Keep In Step

(Lars and Marissa are running like gazelles as well as the rest of the Coultiers, but as for Max, he is having trouble keeping up)

Lars: Step lively now ! You must keep up !

Max: If you were holding a pizza slice in front of me, this'd be much easier.

Lars: (rolls eyes) Look, my friend, you can still have pizza from time to time, just not every night.

Marissa: Part of it has to do with what you put in your body and how you use your energy.

Max: (panting) Anything, just so long as I can keep my lovelies…My little monument to being idle, lazy and a procrastinator.

(They run to the theme of Chariots of Fire, and Max still has trouble keeping up but they make it to their goal)

Max: Holy mackerel. I have sweat in places I never knew I had…I've never worked this hard in my life !

Tim: (catching his breath) Here, have some of my water, dad. (tosses him his sports bottle, which Max abruptly downs with no trouble) (a bit flustered) I didn't mean gulp the whole thing down…Jeez.

Max: Sorry, but I have a man's thirst, my boy.

Tim: (groans, and runs ahead) We only have a few more miles to go.

Lars: I'll lead the way. Keep in step ! (claps hands)

Max: (behind Lars' back, gives a Nazi salute)

(they keep running until they reach home and Max looks as if he is going to fall over, but his wife catches him)

Laverne: Gotcha ! We're almost home, honey.

Marissa: But once we're there, we're having a healthy dinner.

Lars: We'll make you healthy, inside and out.

Max: (to his wife) Why ? Why do I have to suffer so ?

Laverne: Oh, honey, it's not that bad. We'll get through this.

(is encouraged by a hug from his beloved wife, and his kids hug him too)

Altogether: (except Marissa and Lars or Max) Ewww…sweaty. (they back away)

(They pause for a beat and walk to the other side of the street, where their house resides.)

Scene 4—A New Man

(To the tune of "She's a Maniac, only the lyrics are 'He's A Maniac', we see a rapid succession of sweating, tears, crying and Max questioning "Why" all the time. Lars and Marissa keep pushing him and even Julia joins in.)

Max: (still going through the motion) You're all evil incarnate !

Julia: No…just persistent ! Keep it goin' Mr. Coulter ! (claps hands to the 'beat' to keep him moving)

(By the end of the song he dumps water all over himself and sighs)

Max: That's the stuff. (catches breath) Whoo. That was…(breathes in and out again) unbelievable.

Laverne: (sitting next to him, patting his arm) Indeed. And you were much better this time.

Marissa: Yeah (pants) we had to keep up with you this time.

Lars: First time that's ever happened.

Julia: (to the children, mouthing) He lies, really. He got tired all the time chasing yours truly around when she was small.

Lars: What's that Julia, liepshien ?

Julia: Oh, I was just saying, all this walking has been a ball. (nervous laughter)

Lars: (grin) That's what I thought.

Marissa: But enough lollygagging. It's time to do our weigh in.

(The whole Coulter family sighs, moans and complains)

Claudia: (Groans) Oh, this is worse than The Biggest Loser.

Tim: We've gotta suck it up sis. We've made it this far.

Marissa: (going to the bathroom to retrieve a scale and gestures Max to step forward) Oh, impressive. You are a comfortable 100 pounds now.

Lars: You next, my friend. (pats Laverne's shoulder)

Marissa: 128, superb !

Claudia: (exuberantly) WOO ! Go MOM ! You ROCK !

Tim: Outstanding !

Max: I am really impressed and proud of you. (hugs his wife and lifts her up)

Laverne: (squeals joyously) Ooo, you rugged lady-killer you.

Tim: (slyly) Go dad ! (raises the roof)

Marissa: Alright, alright. Now it's your turn, Tim.

Tim: (gulps) Oh, crud. (sighs heavily) Sure, 'Rissa. (stands on the scale)

Marissa: Stupendous ! A whopping 110. Great job, hon !

Tim: (shakes hands like a prize fighter) Who's the man ? (points to self) I am.

What ? I can't hear you ? (mock cheers) Aw, yeah…that's right. That's right.

Claudia: Quit boasting, you show off. (sticks tongue out at him)

Lars: And last but not least, Claudia. (They wait for the results)

Marissa & Lars: 100 exactly.

Claudia: (wide eyed) Unreal.

(Everyone cheers)

Max: Now I can have my velcro shoes back ?

Gunters: Yes…but….

Max: (disappointed) Oh, dang. Why did you have to stick a but in there ?

Julia: You signed our agreement.

Max: Agreement ?

(The Coulters discuss with each other)

Claudia: (to her mom) Apparently he doesn't remember.

Tim: Well it was hard for any of us to remember the first day after that tedious work out. We were all wiped out and signed that darned paper…

Lars: Yes. Here, according to this agreement, you all vowed to keep yourselves in shape. If you do, for the rest of your days, you can wear whatever shoes you like.

Max: You know I love you guys, but now…I'm gonna KILL YOU GUYS ! (running after them to choke them both) (to Julia) Not you, dear…You were no part of this…they were the true masterminds.

Julia: (sits down to watch with the Coulters) Well, he does have a point there.

(screen goes black)

Narrator: There is actually a happy ending, and no worries, no one was harmed in the making of this skit. Turns out all that happened was a scuffle and the Coulters and Gunter families remained as friends. Lars wasn't so anal about his exercise habits, Marissa eased back from her superiority complex and Julia, well Julia always diligently went along for the ride like the doting daughter and anchor holding the ship at bay, lest it stray too far into the waters of insanity. If there is some moral to be taken from this it's: Never become between man and the thing he desires most, it may cost you. Oh, and always get your dry cleaning done early…save time, save money. Aufweidersene !

(light dims off the narrator)

(final bow)

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