The Conversation of Letting Go

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"If you had said the words "I love you" to me a week ago, I would have believed you. I would be on cloud nine, ready to spend the rest of my life with you, and never doubting you ever again…. But that was a week ago… Before I saw what was in your eyes when you looked at her.

Don't get me wrong… I know you care about me… I know you do love me, but just not in the way I want you to love me... Like the way you love her.

I don't blame you though… I know it's my fault for pushing you away… It was my fault for making you wait so long… I guess it just never occurred to me that you would stop waiting… Or at the very least, I didn't think your heart would stop waiting.

Look, please, don't say anything yet… Just let me finish okay? I have to get this out… Otherwise I don't think I can ever do it again… I need to do this in order to finally let go of you…

We had the story you know? The cliché, meant to be, forever and ever, love story that you only get in the movies and books. I think what is making it harder for me to let go is because of the fact that I had what all the girls in the world want… I had the perfect guy, the perfect story, the perfect love… And I lost it…

God, look at me, making a scene in this coffee shop. I bet all the people here looking at us are wondering, 'Why the hell is that bushy haired girl in that sunflower dress crying in front of that dark curly haired boy in the blue dress shirt?' God, look how I am rambling right now.

You know, right this moment, our past is kind of flashing in my head. It's kind of like flipping through a scrapbook up in my mind….

Remember how we first met? I was about eight and you were ten, and God, did we hate each other. I remember bumping into you on the playground by accident and you were just so mean. You pushed me into a puddle and I got so mad at you, I stomped on your foot, bit you, and started crying.

We got into so much trouble with the principal and our parents. And who would have thought that you, the new kid to Littleton Elementary, were the son of my mom's best friend.

When I got older, I started thinking that maybe it was fate that brought us together… That it was fate that made our mothers become best friends, fate that made them form a pact for us to marry each other one day, and fate that brought us all together again when we were little.

I refused at first to see how everything around us seemed to work together in order for us to fall in love with each other. I didn't see how the whole love/hate relationship was typical of a great romance or how every time you did something to make me mad, like pull my hair, break my toys, or call me names, that you always did something else to make up for everything… You would beat up that little twerp Brett who kept harassing me in eighth grade, and you would always give me a piggy back ride when I fell and scrapped my knee…

I didn't notice how you were always there at my softball games, cheering me on, and that anytime we lost; you would always buy me ice cream to cheer me up…

It took until high school for me to see. You were a senior and I was a sophomore and the year was almost ending… And it was suddenly hitting me how you were going to college in another state and I wouldn't see you everyday at school or on the weekends for dinner.

And that scared me so much. I started realizing how every time you were near me, my heart would pound so hard in my chest and I would always blush each time you tucked my hair behind my ear… When did that even start anyway? You tucking my hair behind my ear… I think you started that when we were little… Something about my hair distracting you when you were talking to me or something… I have to say, I think sometimes I let my hair fall into my eyes on purpose just so you could keep doing that tucking thing…

You didn't help matters though… I mean, what with all your girlfriends you paraded around me… You were such a player ever since we hit puberty… You always had a girlfriend, lasting from a day to a few weeks…

And then… You found Tania… You guys were the high school sweethearts that everyone thought were meant to be. You guys were the "it" couple, the king and queen of the social chain… The quarterback and the head cheerleader… Even our mothers started thinking that maybe their dream of us being together wouldn't come true, since you seemed to be head over heels in love with Tania.

And God was I jealous… I hated being around you two… I know I told you this already, but honestly did I despise her… She was so beautiful and perfectly blond… It was like she was custom made for you, and I was just the ugly childhood friend who bugged you…

But you… You were good at hiding what you were thinking… How was I supposed to know that you were looking at me as more than the stupid girl you pushed into a puddle all those years ago? How was I supposed to know I meant more to you than you led on?

Then you and Tania had that break up and it threw everyone off. Being the melodramatic queen she was, Tania kept making a scene whenever you were near and tried all those ways to get you back… And of course, you had me be your excuse, pretending to be your girlfriend…

I guess that move should have been a big tip off that there was something there between us… We were following the script for the cliché of all clichés… But I couldn't believe it… I couldn't believe that every time you held my hand, kissed me out of the blue, and hugging me… That you meant to do all of those things… That they weren't an act…

And when the deal was over, I felt such emptiness when you kept your distance. I know you only did that because of that last night when I was crying and saying how I couldn't handle anymore of the act… But you know that in reality, I couldn't handle pretending anymore because I didn't want to pretend…

I knew I loved you the day you were leaving for college in the summer. We had kept our distance and were too afraid to say anything… And then you confessed to me in my room that you loved me.

What was I supposed to do? Tell you I loved you too, and then have you leave and wait another two years in hopes that maybe I could join you in college and that would be it?

I was so young and I was so scared… I didn't believe we could have made it… And you meant too much to me for me to even risk that… And I wasn't ready…

So I had to say I didn't think I loved you… And God, I still remember the pain in your eyes… It nearly killed me to lie to you…

And so you left… And you have to know, the moment you were gone, you took a piece of me with you…

It took five years later, when I was twenty-two and you were twenty-four for us to meet again… So much had changed… Your mother had passed away from breast cancer and I just didn't know how to face you… I was ashamed of lying to you back then and I was ashamed of not being there for you… And I just somehow thought it was better that I didn't push my presence on you…

Stupid of me I know… I know how hurt you were because of that…

Then… Fate brought me to you again… Somehow you transferred to where I was interning and you were all of a sudden my new hotshot boss that all the girls loved. And all of a sudden you were so cold to me and I didn't know what to do….

Somehow… After us trying to avoid each other, opening past doors and revealing old wounds… We found each other again…

The night we finally pushed past our secrets and pain, the night we kissed, I honestly thought that was it. I wasn't going to push you away, I was going to hold on tightly to what we had and that we would be together forever…

But everything just fell apart. The company was bought out; you hated the new boss and what they stood for… And when you wanted to leave and start again… I just felt like you were being irrational… You wouldn't talk to me about your reasoning… And we were already having problems… You wouldn't talk about your mother… And no matter how you deny it, I know you were still mad at me for all the pain back in high school…

You leaving was too sudden for me, I wanted to think and you didn't give me time… I wasn't strong enough to throw everything to the wind… And I know that when you were walking out of the building with your things in a box and your secretary following after you… When you looked at me, expecting me to follow you… And I didn't…

I know that you felt betrayed by me all over again… And that I had once again broken your heart…

Another two years later, you had moved to another state to start your business and I was moving up on the promotion ladder at our old company…. As your business was starting up and gaining momentum, and I was gaining a good reputation, I was realizing how empty it all was…. Even when I was going out with the boss, Richard, and things seemed to be getting serious… I realized I couldn't forget you…

So I left and went off to find you… I somehow had it in my mind that you were just as empty as I was… That we were both filled with pain, and that just like me, you couldn't move on from our memories… I didn't doubt that belief for a minute…

And who would have thought, that I was totally wrong… I went to your office one day… I took in the modest building of yours and your 10 employees who seemed so close and so loyal to you… I thought that maybe we could build a life together and that this time, I would come join you and support you completely in your dreams…

Then…. I saw her. It took me a while to realize that she was the secretary who quit her job in order to follow you wherever you went… She was the girl who walked behind you that day you left, holding a box of her own… But I just thought that she was a really loyal secretary.

I saw you two in your office, your blinds weren't close… I watched how you were laughing with her, something she said had set you off… I took in the girl with the bowl cut hair dressed in these blue overalls that seemed to not fit her, and I was floored at how you looked so at ease with her.

I didn't allow myself to think too much of you two. I just thought she became a good friend of yours… And I have to say, I was vain enough to think that you couldn't have forgotten me… That what we had was too special for some girl like her to take you away from me…

The moment you looked up and saw me through your window, the way your smile suddenly disappeared, I felt so small… And I felt like running away all over again, which I did. But you were quick, you caught me at the elevator, and after some intense staring at me, I found my voice and I asked you out for a drink…

It must have irritated you how I was acting casual as if we didn't have such a painful past and that I didn't break your heart twice.

This coffee shop was where we talked that day. We sat here at the exact same table… It was here that I told you how sorry I was, how I regretted everything I did, and how I was willing to let go of everything in my life but you… And that I was sorry and that I knew you still had me in your heart and for you to please forgive me and let us start over…

The time you took to respond to me was so agonizing… The pain was still there in your eyes and my heart ached seeing how I was responsible for it all…

When you said you couldn't handle taking me back, it almost killed me. I felt such regret… And when you whispered you were sorry and then walked out, leaving me there, I started bawling…

After the tears though, I couldn't bring myself to let you go. Instead, I harden my resolve to get you back and would do anything I could to do so… And as luck would have it, your company had an opening and I went for it….

And she was the one to do my interview… She remembered me… You must have talked to her about me because she didn't wasn't very polite to me and I knew that she thought little of me because of what happened between us… Still, she gave me the job… When I asked her why, because I was shocked that she did so what with knowing what I did to you… She was silent and then looking at me with these big, genuine eyes that showed she obviously cared about you… She said that you weren't over me and all she wanted was for you to be happy…

What she said gave me hope…

So I came into work the next day and the look you had… I was almost sorry to be there… I saw how you took her arm and dragged her into your office and yelled at her… But she was calm and I don't know what she said, but you calmed down, glanced at me, muttered something, and then went to work…

I think that moment made me kind of see how much of an impact she had on you….

Slowly, as the days went on, you slowly started accepting me again… However, what you were doing was slowly letting me be a friend again, and I was thinking that you were letting me into your heart again…

During those days, I started seeing the little things you did for her. The way you would always nudge her head, glare at her, and made sure she ate. I grew jealous and I started despising her…

I would have eventually realized your heart was with her if I didn't get into that stupid car accident after work. Like the caring guy you always were, you rushed to the hospital and stayed by my side… And stupid me, I thought that showed you love me…

You should have said no right then when I asked you to take me back. You should have told the truth when I asked you if you loved me… You should have moved your face away when I kissed you… And you should have ran after her after she walked into the room, seeing what happened, then turned around, running away…

You should have realized that she loves you… You shouldn't have gone back to me… Especially when your heart wasn't with me…

I fooled myself into believing that everything was going to be okay… That fate was setting everything right again… When in reality, fate wasn't working for me anymore… Fate was working for you two, and I was just the idiotic girl standing in your way…

I noticed how you two no longer talked, how you wanted to say things to her but you stopped yourself, and how you two no longer looked into each other's eyes… I also noticed how each time she was walking with a certain male employee; you would look at watch with these sad eyes…. And I knew but didn't want to acknowledge that it was jealousy.

I remember asking you what was so great about her… You should see yourself when you talk about her… Your eyes lit up as you described how she was loyal, so idealistic, and the only one who believed in your dream. You didn't expect that the shy secretary all those years ago would end up becoming your best pal, the girl who pushed you and helped you when you needed it most. And to think that you barely talked to her back then, only giving her documents to type, calls to make, and errands to run… And now she was like your right hand man, the girl who you don't think you can do without.

Again, I didn't allow myself to think too much of your words. However, I started feeling insecure and I was beginning to become Tania back in high school. I started pushing marriage on you and I would be so horrible to her. And each time I brought the subject up, you would push it away, say something about me over thinking things, and I would believe you and fall into silence.

Then came the day when her father died. It was night and we were having a night to ourselves at your place and suddenly you received a call… And without saying anything, you left the apartment with this urgency…

And I followed you… I know it was horrible of me to do so…. But I'm glad I did otherwise I would not be having this conversation with you.

We ended at the hospital and inside, there she was, on the ground, crunched up, crying… And without saying anything, you took her into your arms, hugged her….

That was when I knew… That was when reality kicked me in the ass… The way you looked at her as you brushed her tears away… It was as if your mother died all over again… Seeing how much you were feeling for her, how you shared in her pain, and how you just looked so helpless not being able to protect her…

I knew you love her in that moment…

And my heart broke.

Look, I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty which by the way; you should wipe that look off your face.

I want you to know that you don't owe me anything… And that I thank you for forgiving me and for trying to give me a place in your heart… But we both know that place is taken now…

You know what makes this defeat less painful for me? For a moment, I thought I lost out to a girl who was just a replacement for me… The girl who was just in the right place at the right time, who you just fell for because you had to get over me… And that if any other girl was there, you would have fallen for her just the same…

But I was wrong… I lost to a girl who I think is really your true love… And that if even if I had stayed with you and told you how I felt all those years ago… When she came along, she would have taken your heart just the same.

And that thought… For some reason comforts me…

I'll be fine… But I got to say… If this pain was how you felt back then, I am really sorry for causing it… For making you feel this way…. Because this is really painful…

Anyway… Go get her… Be happy… And when you see her, tell her to not be stupid like me and to hold on tight…

Now, I'm going to get up and walk out this coffee shop and not look back ever again… I'm going to move on and fill this emptiness inside of me on my own…

I'm letting go now… And as scary as it is, as much as I don't want to do it… I know that in the end… I'm going to be okay.

So goodbye first love…

I'll never forget you."

Author's Note: I know, again I am so horrible with keeping my word. I needed to write something, and this came out. I was trying something new. Plus, I remember a long time ago there was this wonderful fic I read on the site that was completely written in dialogue. I have now long forgotten the story, and gave up trying to find it. It was about some girl who had a big heart and took in a homeless guy who was trying to kill himself and they eventually fall in love. If any of you guys know that fic, please tell me what it is. I want to read it again. So yeah, that was sort of an inspiration for this story. If any of you read The Other Girlfriend's Point of View, this is a more developed version of it. Anyway, I'm still hoping to get some more one-shots in, but as of now I am all inspired out. I don't really like this fic, writing wise, but again it was practice and I needed to crank something out because I feel so out of whack with writing right now. I'm also procrastinating from spring break homework, which is due Monday but oh well. I'm also majorly worried about college because acceptances have come out. But anywho, hope you guys didn't find this story too bad.

Oh and thank you for those of you who read my other oneshots (Shoelaces and Simplicity). The fact that you guys like those fics and compliment me makes me think maybe I'm not such a disgrace as a writer.

As always, please review. I send you guys my love.