03/31/08

"apologetic regret"

people are always telling me I've got to look at the bigger picture. well, hell, I'm looking. and there it is: my life—running black and white on the big screen. everybody's watching, nobody cares. I guess you could say it's working both ways—apathy, I mean. rotary indifference. trouble is, you can get to the point where not-caring really changes who you are. changes the way people think of you. the way they act around you. towards you. the way they talk about you. they start to mean what they say. what I mean to say is, I've severed my ties with friends just the same. it hurts to know that the only reason someone won't spare so much as a passing glance is because I can't remember enough of what I did wrong to apologize. that's apathy for you. that's distance for you. and that's just how it's been. distance is the closest I can get to contentment. with no strings attached, there's nothing retractable. nothing to worry about. nobody to worry you. companionship is murder. reliance. adherence. you become one. one way or another, you factor in each other. I'm only seeing now that it's just what I need. this is admission. acceptance. i was wrong, i am wrong, and I don't have anybody left to apologize to. be that as it may, I'm sorry. in apologetic regret, this is an apology.