A/N:This goes out of my field of writing and I was bored. Random journal entries I typed up on my computer when I was about 10 years old inspired this, and somehow I re-told my life through jumbled thoughts…
Come Away With Me in the Night, My Gentle Mind
I don't know where to start at all, maybe from the beginning? But that'd be too boring even for me I've talked so much about myself to other people that even the story my miraculous birth bores me now. All you have to know is I had weighed one measly pound and 12 ounces, and that I survived and went home after three months of staying at the stupid doctors. I went to therapy, to get my muscles strong, and to check on my mental well being. Nothing unusual there for me, and probably to those who glance up at me and remember the story from time to time.
I have almost no social life I'll be honest with that. It doesn't bore me at all because I get to do what I love, writing and drawing, and sometimes singing. I don't go so much out of the house only when I have to, or when I feel like it, or to school, or some other thing.
I've been living in this house for about 11 years now; can you believe that I just moved in the shape of a triangle? Of course not, you weren't with my when I moved out of the very first house I lived in.
I lived in the house that was in the back, that had some weird tree that bloomed with flowers once in a while. The style was that of a small townhouse like thing, with white walls on the outside and light green borders and a dark colored roof attached to another apartment. I lived there since I got out of the hospital , and at the tender of either 3 or 4 we moved to the other house that was all the way in the front with the same style, but at least this one had a lawn and rose bushes that my mother took great pride and joy in.
After I turned seven, we moved to the house on the left that use to be spacious, but a long time ago (before my parents were born) they cut the hallway in half of the house and made two apartments, and my mother got the bigger part. She was manager of the small apartments around the street and we were glad that we didn't have to pay rent.
My dad was glad too, and maybe that's why he decided to study to be a computer technician. And after that in the year 1998 he worked with a small company, and that was when my mother gave birth to my little sister.
I didn't hold her, but I spoke to her while she slept and played simple games with her to get the little infant to laugh or giggle. I wasn't jealous of her, but indifferent I didn't care if I had a little brother or sister since I had been use to being alone for eight years of what was called my life. I tried explaining that to my parents but they just shrugged it off as jealously.
I think that's why I started to delve into anime and video games, because I wanted something to look forward too when I got older, it was like an investment I was hoping would take root in the future.
Mom wasn't all that happy but she accepted it as long as I kept up my grades, 3rd grade wasn't that hard I guess. My dad didn't say anything, he still wanted me to be that little sheltered kid he had helped raise. True, I had been sheltered for as long as I could remember and because of that I guess the girls in my class could smell it on me.
Let me dwell back on '97 for a bit though I hope no one else minds… I went to a public school before this hell hole. I was on the honor roll for who-knows-how-long, but I left because my second grade teacher Ms. Kings called my class 'idiots'. She was an old woman with eyes as red as a demon's and hair that showed her that she was in fact very old. She made me cry once because I stuttered on the word 'island' and told me that I was uneducated, along with many other things (that I now know where somehow supposed to motivate me, but that crazy old bitch was evil and had a sick and twisted way of motivating, and/or humor) . I told my mom but the school district let that stupid old hag keep her job, but I didn't care I was only there for about two months or so.
Now to the forsaken hell hole of a Catholic elementary school in California… Divine Savior, across the street known as Gay St. I wish I was makin' a joke but I wasn't that was the name of the neighboring street.
I was made fun of in '97 because I didn't act like a normal little girl, or look like them. They were of light skin and light colored hair, except for some goddamn fat ass bitch that was sitting on a navy colored chair on the opposite side of me when I entered a new school in second grade. She was MY exact skin color and that fucking whore had the audacity to call me a goddamn 'nigger'. I wasn't black, I was Hispanic, but I guess that didn't matter at the time. I still hope to this day that somehow karma will take a chunk of her saggy fat ass, but I haven't seen her, so I thank the forces of the universe or else maybe I would be capable of killing someone.
I blame no one but herself, and maybe her parents considering the fact she told me (and I felt spit spray over my face when she said this) that her father had told her that all dark skinned people were bad and considered 'niggers'.
After that incident I guess the guys in my class took pity on me, and used me since I had 'brains'. I didn't mind so long as they were nice to me, and they found out little by little what made me tick and we all found common ground, videogames. That was bliss for me right there, and they had me wrapped around their little finger. The rest of that they say is history.
Throughout 7 faithful years of choir sessions in that hell hole, my 5th grade teacher decided I was no longer considered valuable, I wasn't one of the original 'five' but that was a lie considering there were 7 members in the choir when I first joined, including myself. I was pissed because all the other girls, like this one girl Christina, she had long black straight hair, knew that I was in the group of the original 7 members our very first year, but she didn't bother to vouch for me when I wasn't there. I don't care about that now though, serves her right I guess since I treated her cold and indifferent when I saw her about a year ago recently, she had it coming.
One girl by the name of Jackie M., everyone in choir knew that she sang with a fake voice though we said nothing because she made us laugh during our practices, was somewhat of a problem child, from what I saw in my childhood years. From placing a green sticker on her belly button to prove she was perfect, to battling with bulimia our choir group has seen the rise and fall of that green eyed girl. I didn't pity her, because that wasn't what she wanted, she just wanted a place to belong, just like I had once wanted, but I gave that up accepting that I was growing apart from my old guy friends and the only girl I had made friends with had moved and transferred to another school.
The rest of that, from 4th to 8th is a blur because I decided to block that out, which is something I'm not really proud of because I don't remember that much about that big dodge ball game that we won, or painting a mural about WWI. What I do remember is my ex boyfriend, a.k.a 'High waters,' because of his pants.
I was a fly on the wall who knew everyone's secrets, since even after the 8th grade grad-nite, I was given an award with the title of 'Best Listener' courtesy of the 7th grade class, they were nice kids.
XoXoX P r e s e n t X
So far I have nothing to say, I'm currently attending an all girl's high school by the name of Sacred Hearts. It's my last year and I've been accepted to a Christian private school that has the initials APU. Life's been more of a downgrade for me, and I'm glad it has, I needed sometime to blow off steam in some way.
I mean there are some things, or rather I should say some people that I am grateful for in that 'hell hole'. Brandon 'High Waters' Flowers, my ex boyfriend who cheated on me with the very first friend I had made in the beginning of my freshman year. They both kept it a secret from me when she had offered to try and see if he still liked me, and we ended up rekindling a disillusioned flame. Yet I'm still her friend and his friend even though he still has one of my favorite PS2 games for over more than a year now, I have to actually go to his house and get it back from him physically.
Luis A. Garcia, my neighbor and long time friend from that old public school, and the private one. I've had a bond with him that has somehow lasted through his depression and drug use, he always revered me as a close friend like a sister. I told him I loved him more than I loved Brandon at the time, and he knew that I wasn't lying, and somehow he became part of my family, and his mother adores me like if I were her own daughter.
Mario, who shares the same last name as I do, somehow I think we're cousins, but that's wishful thinking in my part. I met him when he had entered 5th grade along with my friend Luis back when that Catholic school wasn't all that well known. With him and Luis we were the three musketeers.
Those who are the only people who made a significant impact on my life during those years of hell and back, they're family, with bonds that can never be broken.
Still because of those incidents I think I've started to crave emotional attention from guys in general, but some idiot by the name of…
had to go and ruin the joys of dating for me…
I met him through my high school friend Diana Friaz, she's as cold as her last name states. Sadly I met him on Halloween, which should've been the first warning sign for me to avoid him at all costs, but I just wanted to met someone who I could call a friend, with him especially.
Born of Japanese parents, with one cigarette away from being called 'Ashtray' as nickname, he was a bit weird. He had a slight beer belly, but he was sadly a stereotypical Asian male, and somehow he intrigued me because he had seen the inside of women, he knew what made them giggle, or moan in delight, and I was use to such stories because of my friend Luis.
I knew him for three grueling hours I considered hell on earth. In the car ride all I was humming as a song from Mary Elizabeth McGlynn titled 'Letter – from the Lost Days', letting the lines from that song "we were put here on this earth, put here to feel joy…" over and over again in my head till I could drown out everything he had to say.
I don't know if I was drugged that day, or if I ate something bad but I had given him my cell phone number out of pity, thinking he was one of those guys who rarely called, but that was hoping for too much. Diana tried to convince me that he was a nice guy but my gut feeling said that that was a lie. I just let her talk though, that's all I could do, so many years of conforming I didn't dare speak out.
The words made me blush, not because he said but because a human being had told me directly to my face, with no lie. I was glad for that small boost, but I wasn't too fond of whose mouth it came out from.
"It's hard finding a girl whose dream is to have a white wedding…"
That didn't make me blush but it made my mind stick to it, and at least someone else other than my mother backed me up in it. I didn't care if a hobo on the street said it I'd take it into value. And yet the pity I gave him was confused for interest.
"I'm sure you'll find someone who will love you…"
Yes I will… BUT not with YOU, please understand Mr. Ashtray man I don't like you…
A whole week of sweet talk after I met him on that cursed Halloween night, he sweet talked my ear till I grew sick of it, day after day he called me every hour trying to pry secrets from me, but I was stubborn and he hated it.
One day I decided to at least let him have the chance to hang out with me
At my house
I never said –at the park-
He showed up on a Wednesday afternoon with a warm looking jacket and a shirt I would steal just because of the design. I would've kicked him square in his precious jewels, knocked him out with three kicks to the head and steal the shirt, but leave the jacket, and drag him off to the corner where all the local drunks hung out. I had it all planned out in my head when he walked towards my doorstep.
He didn't introduce himself properly to my mother
My dog didn't like him
My dad didn't trust him when he shook his hand
He almost tried to grab my nonexistence behind when he hugged me
Did I mention that he's 4 years older than me?
-I probably should've mentioned that, but now you all know.
That day was a total bust, and he stayed at my house too long, about almost till 10 o'clock on a school day, that idiot knew I had class the next day.
All he cared about was what I hid from him, which was everything I didn't tell him. I heard bits and pieces from Diana about him and I didn't like him, I kid of actually hated him now. He thought I loved him, but all I was doing on my end was pushing him away. I lied to get him off my case, I made excuses in order not to hang out with him, I did everything imaginable.
I remember telling him that I did like someone and he freaked out yelling at me, and rambling about how he somehow for whatever reason, seemed like he had to protect me, and since he didn't know how I felt about him that was a reason for being jealous.
"I get jealous because someone else gets to know the person I don't know…"
'Now you got me caught act…' I thought back to my favorite Linkin Park song, thinking back to 8th grade when Mario burned me all their CD's. I tuned out his conversation just saying an occasional 'yeah' or 'uh-huh' or 'wha…?' I hung up on him on purpose, he just seemed so boring, and weird.
I remember someone else calling me back and I thought it was him, at this point I was afraid to pick up my phone because he always called me, he knew what time I got out of school because he and Diana were friends. She was off dealing with her own problems and I was stuck dealing with him.
Her words that day scared me…
I shouldn't tell you this
But I mean he's SUCH a DORK
He wants to go down on you…
XoXo R e a l I t y and F a n t a s y XoXo
I told him I hated him.
I told him I never loved him.
I told him I never was his girlfriend.
I told him we had no chemistry.
I told him what kind of guy I wanted.
Truth be told, I informed that individual so many things that writing or saying this makes my head spin, and I don't care if you criticize me for or call me a cold hearted bitch. He violated me, grabbing me when I told him no, he terrified me driving up to my house in the morning. His phone calls made my life a living hell, I never picked up. His drunken messages sickened me. He blocked his phone number and the words 'Private' flashed on the caller ID, and here I was thinking it was my grandma's call.
"FUCK YOU! I wasted my life chasing after you and you're a cold hearted bitch fuck you, you goddamn whore! I thought you were different…"
I laughed, I laughed till I cried because it took so long to hear him explode. And for that I was glad, but I relished in my victory all too quickly.
"I'm sorry… I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. It was because you were the only person keeping me from moving to San Farancisco…"
"Aaron look… You shouldn't wait on me; it's not going to work out…"
"How do you know you haven't even-…?"
"I just know it won't… I don't love you…" I said softly, I meant it.
He tried to persuade me… but he knew I wouldn't, and this stupid argument was giving me a headache.
I was living in my daydreams escaping from reality because he made my own home a person, and going outside was scary enough. I was terrified of finding a beige colored Kia Spectra either in my driveway, or pull up to the side as I was walking my dog…
XoXO f u t u r e? XOxO
I don't know to be honest, I don't really give a rats ass about that right now. I live for the present, because tomorrow I may not be the person I was yesterday or even today. We always change with little experiences…
This was never meant to inspire, or to be some great work of 'art'.
I wrote this for my own self pleasure and if someone can say that this piece of crap is all right, more power to you.
Real life is tough and fantasy isn't…
Maybe that's why I like writing things like that, because it seems all the more fun I suppose.
My mind despite so much crap, and the wonders I've placed on here, has been calm like the sea, just drifting off on a tangent…
I'm still a bit paranoid, and Aaron tried to contact me, but I deleted his e-mail, since it was in my junk mail anyway. My Prom's in a week or so and my dress has been approved, I still have no date for Prom, but I'm strong enough to go on my own.
I haven't hung out with Diana since the Aaron Incident, and I've finally found a place where I can belong, but I only have two months to enjoy it… Life does kind of suck…