it's been
five months
and four days
since she
packed
everything up
and set it all
in a box
on her desk
right at the
bottom of the stairs.

i wonder
if she has any
idea
that i still
think about
it
every day.

i wonder
if she knows
how it felt
to see them
fight
like that
over
me.

something so stupid
that i can't even
remember
what it was.

but every day
i think about it
every day
i ask myself
what it
would be like
without her
here
every day
look to the skies
and wonder what
god
would ever
allow something
so brutal.

a mother
to leave
her children.

a wife
to leave
her husband.

a woman
to leave
her family
behind.

every night
i cry
until i am
blessed
with sleep
and
i try to
convince
myself
that if she
wasn't always
somewhere else,
she'd be
right here
for me.

just like
everyone else
in my life
that has
walked all
over me
for months
and months
and months.

just like
my best
"friends"
that laughed
because
it was just
so
funny
that my mom
was going
to leave me
and my family.

sometimes
i wish
she really
had gone.

sometimes
i wonder
how he got
her to stay.

sometimes
i wonder
why
she didn't
go.

sometimes
i wonder
why i hide
so much
from her.

sometimes
i wish none
of it had
ever
happened.

but i know
that
what doesn't
kill me
will
only make
me
stronger.

or lead me
to a
faster
death.

i love you
mom.

i just wish
you
could love
me back.