I told her it was spicy.

No, I warned her.

I do not see how this could be my fault. She chose to not heed my warnings. We were out of milk. It's not my stinkin' fault!

Let me start from the beginning.

I have liked her for about a month now. There is really no reason for it; she is not particularly hot nor is she my usual "type". I guess I find her awkwardness cute, if that makes sense. She has been in all my classes since the start of this semester, but I have only just noticed her. One day, I was talking to her friend and she looked so out of place. I glanced over to her and did not think much of her. Ms. Soccer Star, the super cool and quiet type. Turns out, she is just the opposite. Shy, but utterly outlandish sometimes. It is only around her friends that she ever shows that quirky side to her.

We were paired up for a project. I could tell I was not her first choice (the sound of her sigh was audible, even in the loud setting of class full of teenagers). She was not my first choice either. I feared making a fool of myself so I would much rather play it safe and partner up with a friend. But the teacher seemed to know what she was doing. I guess that "I'M A QUEER, COME AND STARE!" sign was still blinking over my head. We ended up planning a schedule of meeting times, and agreed that once a week for five weeks would be good enough.

By the third week, we became accustomed to one another. I would even say we became friends. We continued the project at my house. The art was done, now all we had left to do was the essay. We were outlining it when my mother came in to offer us some dumplings (how Asian, right?). She was politely declined, but she persisted so we decided it was time for a snack break. She was openly staring at the food and I waited for her to speak. "What is that?" she said slowly, pointing at the dish.

"It's chicken dumplings," I replied.

"Oh. What's that red stuff?" she said, as if she was staring at a plate of poop.

"Sriracha. It's Asian hot sauce," I answered in a distracted tone. I was too preoccupied with my food to pay attention. When I finally glanced at her, I noticed the dumpling was drenched in the red paste. In a cautious tone, I said, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yeah. Why not?" She seemed too nonchalant for my liking.

"It's quite hot," I warned, in an attempt to prevent her from putting herself in a precarious position.

"Haha. Yeah, you said that before. I can take hot stuff pretty well," she said in a self-assured tone. I watched her as she dramatically placed the warm dumpling covered in that fiery red, viscous liquid. She purposely attempted to irk me, and succeeded, so I turned away in annoyance. After about a minute, I noticed she wasn't making any noise. I was waiting for her gloats and usual words of "I told you so," but all I heard was silence. Slowly, I turned and noticed she was crying. I quickly went into panic mode. "Uhh, uh, are you okay?"

"H..hot.. Fire. Tongue.. BURNING," she whispered, in an urgent tone.

"What? Oh, spicy! HAH! I mean, let me go get some milk," I felt satisfied and relieved. I thought she was really crying. When I opened the refrigerator, I quickly noticed that vital thing I was searching for was missing. 'Shit' was my only thought. I checked the water pitcher; out. I really started to freak out then. I ran back to my room and to tell her the news. She was curled up on the floor, making weird sucking noises in a sad attempt to cool her burnt tongue. 'What the fudge do I do?! Ah..Ahh..AHH!' I was screaming in my mind. "Dude.. We're out," was my reply to her gasps. She just stared at me with pleading eyes. 'Do I do it? I read it in this manga once but.. it was one of those mangas where things tend to lead to other things. Ah, what the hell.' My mind was made up.

I knelt down over her. She was beginning to tremble and her head was turned away from me. 'Come on. You're the valiant price! Do it. Do it! DOOO IT!' Finally, I placed my hands around her face and..

..shoved my tongue into her mouth. (What? What?! Wouldn't you?) It was strange, at first. My only thoughts were 'this is rather spicy'. I do not know how long we stayed like that; me tongue raping her, her laying there like a vegetable. Eventually, she came to her senses and pushed me away. Her face became really red and I was cursing myself. 'What kind of prince does that? Actually, every prince, now that I think of it. Okay, no. What kind of female and supposedly-straight friend does that? Yeah, that's right. No one.' My face was burning too, and we just stared at each other for a while. Once she broke out of her daze, she ran out of my house. All I could do was yell sorry and curse her soccer legs.

She avoided me for the rest of the two weeks. I ended up doing the entire essay myself, but I did not mind. I just felt guilty. I had all my classes with her so all I could do was stare at her, hopefully giving her looks for sadness and deep regret (it was either that or looks of lust. My self-control was wavering). She continued to ignore me until the end of the school year. It was during that last week that she came up to me. I had nearly forgotten (or ignored) that incident when she told me, "We need to talk." I began to fret. 'Doesn't that mean we're about to break up? Noo! Oh..Wait. We were never together. Hah..'

She pulled me behind the portable and began to talk really fast. "When you kissed me, I was really surprised. I started to freak out because, you know, I didn't know that you were like that, like me, and so like I started to get scared and I ran those like five miles home and then I started to think about it and after a while, I thought about it a lot and I couldn't stop thinking about it and now I really want to tell you that..that.."

"That..?" My ability to process knowledge is a bit slow so all I really heard was, like and that.

"That I liked it. That I like you." Her face turned a pink tinge, and she turned to stare at the tree behind me. I was in shock. 'Did she just say that she liked me? Like actually felt a good emotion towards me? Whoa sauce. This is a fantastic moment. I need to enjoy this.' So, idiotically, I stood there grinning. I didn't say a word, smiling at her like an aging superstar gleefully eying the Botox injection held by Dr. 91210 fingertips. She finally turn towards me and nervously smiled back. Eventually, I started to laugh. She began to look scared, and that is when I finally realized I should do something other than look stupid. In a response to her sudden and welcomed confession, I hugged her. We had never hugged before, and I found that I really enjoyed it; maybe even more than the dementor-like kiss.

..Okay, maybe not.