My Darkest Hour

By S. Bella Noche


I lay back on my pillows, ignoring the fact that they were cold and damp with my tears. I could already feel the heavy comfort of sleep being to push me gently into the mattress. I was grateful it came quickly tonight, but not grateful enough to smile about it; I knew that, while it was a welcome relief, sleep could only last so long. Still though, I couldn't complain as the background noise of the living room TV slowly faded to a distant buzz, before disappearing completely.

At the time of our story, I had a problem. It's a rather common problem in life, but more hushed up than others; warnings and advice are often issued about it, counselors and anonymous groups are dedicated to it, yet those who actually face it are often quiet about it. It is not a disorder, such as depression. Pills that may or may not work can not be prescribed to prevent this. It was self-induced, but not in the same way that drug addiction and alcoholism were. I was, and in a way still am, masochistic, but my problem wasn't at all related to what cutters do. Can you guess my problem? It is most likely that a good percentage of you can't. However, if you, or someone you know, has or is going through the same thing, you may already know.

You see, I was, for over a year, on the receiving end of an abusive relationship. Now, before we begin the story itself, there is one thing you must understand. My boyfriend was abusive, not physically, but verbally; he attacked me mentally and emotionally. In a lot of ways, verbal abuse isn't as bad as physical. My heart goes out to those who have to deal with the pain of a loved one (or anyone) inflicting physical damage to them. Physical abuse scars both the body and the mind. Often, the physically abused have to fight for life, and the right to keep theirs. I'm lucky in that I didn't have to fight for my life, but rather my being, who I was. Whether or not I was successful in that struggle, I know not. I am a completely different person from who I was before, and different too, I believe, from who I became during. Whether I'm different in essence though, my core being, I can't decide. Perhaps once you've learned my story, you will be able to decide for yourself.

And so I will begin.