You touched my hand with cold, cold fingers and smile, your mouth hollow and empty (your eyes fight back, ragged nails scratching into your lips, they bleed.). I winch because your fingers feel raw and your smile leaks with a sour stench, the smell choking me, but still I hold on to you. "They're sending me off," you whisper, and your voice sounds like an angel, something that doesn't fit you and I feel myself blinking back tears.

You lay your head down at the opening between my shoulder and my neck, the razorblade scars I like to open up every night painting your hair an awful bright red, like death is vomiting on you, and your so ugly boy—so gutter ugly. It looks like parasites are eating away your bones—your all skin, purple and red bruised skin.

With those grimy brown eyes (I never liked them—always preferred blue) you look up at me, pulling in every feature on my face. Your smile twist into a deep sorrow, and I let a tear slip. I swear I'd never admit I love you, it's not something you deserve, I shouldn't even be near you. "I don't want to go Julien, I don't want to go." Your voice chokes on insanity and you remind me of a serial killer, your mind aching with morbid death, and I tried to fix you so hard, but in the end I guess all the repairs I made went down the drain (the broken can't be fix, ha-ha.) "They're going to poke me with needles, big, big needles like the one Mr. Stein use to use and I scared Julien, I'm scared, I don't want to go. Jade said they'd kill me, will they Julien, will they?"

Jade's your best friend. I don't bother telling you he's not even fucking real anymore, because it never seems to matter. You say he saved you from drowning when you were ten, such warm, warm water, you felt like you were burning alive and Jade, the good person he is, saved you. That's why he lost his left arm, you tell me, the fire ate it away, and I let him live under my bed, mommy never noticed. Jade was a hobo even Julien! He told me about the time he spent out on those rough Las Vegas streets, it was so sad Julien, so sad, we've been best friends ever since. It's stupid but I'm even kind of jealous of Jade, you give him more attention then you give me. Curling my hands tight into yours I shake up head, whispering quietly "no, no, they're not going to kill you Eden, they're going to make you better, all better. Then when you're good again they'll send you home, and we can live happily ever after, in California, that's where you want to live right?"

I push the lies down your throat and thank god, you smile again. This time though, it's real, as real as smiles can get when people are lying (feeding you a fake reality—that's what Lara use to call it, she's such a negative person.) "I guess you're right Julien, I love you."

"I love you too, Eden." I brush my lips between yours, tasting the rotting taste of medicine and cocaine. I won't ever see you again, I know it and when you look back my words won't matter anymore, fading away between the gashes in your heart where they'll push the needles (or maybe where you'll push the bullets, when you realize life's just one BIG LIE, bigger then the one I feed you) and I admit it, because it just won't matter anymore, in the end. "I love you, and when you get back, we'll live happily ever after."


an. completely experimental, just trying out some things, bear with me if you can.