Ah, feminists- the unsung heroes of the unsung heroes

Ah, feminists- the unsung heroes of the unsung heroes. Once upon a time, there were women like Susan B. Anthony fighting for noble causes like suffrage. Now we have women fighting for…uhm…hey, what is it you're fighting for, anyway?

Okay, I'll admit it: I'm a little annoyed with you, feminists. You're working for advancement, which is great, but I feel you're going about it the wrong way.

Now, before you say, "Now, wait just a minute, girl friend!" just here me out for a minute, ok?

First of all, let me just say that I've been seeing just a bit too much male bashing on television lately. Yes, I realize that we women get our share of the bashing…hell, everyone does, just about…and you know, I don't approve of that, either. But since when has fighting fire with fire become your strategy du jour?

And yeah, in a screwed up way, you've got equality there…you're proving you can be equally pig-headed. You're not going to earn any sort of points by sinking down to that level, so stop. You're making the rest of us look bad.

It isn't just that, though. It's your grouping. I see and hear about a lot of feminists out there that group themselves just like elephants around a water hole; crunched in together with their rear ends outwards, not letting anyone in. Pardon me, but am I the only one who sees the irony in this? You're looking for equality here. How can you expect to be treated like everyone else if you go off half-cocked and make a special-interest group out of yourselves? You're separating yourselves from everybody! That's the very antithesis of the original objective! And not for anything…would it hurt to have some male feminists? They exist, you know, so how about welcoming them into your ranks? Honestly now, it wouldn't hurt to have them on our side.

And another thing…those cliques have gotten just a soupcon nasty. You've become so anti-male that you attack any alleged sign of male chauvinism the way a bulldog attacks a Chihuahua.

And what's the story with this attack on common courtesy? Let me share a little something with you, "hun"…if a man opens a door for you, or pulls out your chair in a restaurant, he isn't doing it because he thinks you're incapable. He's being freaking polite, okay? Manners are something we should be encouraging, not penalizing.

I mean, ladies, ladies, let's have a little decorum. Don't you see? You're not going to get very far if you come off as being so threatening.

I'm not saying that I expect everyone to just sit back and roll with the punches. I know there's inequality. I know there's discrimination. But I've also come to know that if you yell and scream to get what you want, that doesn't mean people will listen. They'll just find more effective ways of tuning you out.

Take for instance…okay; let's say you're yelling at this kid to clean his room. Do you think he'll clean it? No. Oh, sure…he'll pick up all his toys and clothes and what not and shove them in a closet or something…but as soon as you open that door, all of that mess is going to fall right on top of you.

And another thing: learn to pick your battles. My God…if I have to read one more news story about some left-wing estrogen brigade storming Disney studios because the protagonist in their latest film was a male I'm going to go into conniptions. Understand something: job discrimination, sexual harassment…these are your enemies. Not bras.

Bras are not some diabolical ploy by men to shackle your womyn power, okay? Bras were made so your boobs don't sag.

And let me set another thing straight for my fellow femmes out there: I don't know what kind of anti-misogynistic/girl power/ Euro-erotica sentiment you're going for by not shaving, but give it up, please. It looks disgusting, and chances are it's lost on your audience anyway. Call me a traitor, call me a hindrance to female empowerment, call me whatever the hell you want, but do it with a Lady Schick™ in your hand. And here's a tip for you first-timers: go against the grain, not with it.

Listen, I don't want to be misunderstood here. I'm not saying I dislike feminism. Okay, that's a lie. I don't like "isms", period. I'm a modern Ferris Bueller. I think it's great that there are those out there that work for the betterment of their gender, and there are those that do a very good job of it, and I salute you.

But for those of you who think progression will come because you feel you are innately better than men…well all I can say is, good luck.