Chapter Four, Selina Marina and the Joobernowl Perform a Duet!

The Hollywood Bowl was in a titter. Who was this mysterious new performer whose name had suddenly (and quite demonically, may I add) appeared on the programs?

"I BET IT'S THE BACKSTREET BOYS!" screamed a rabid fan.

"SHUT UP, IT'S PROBABLY SEVERUS SNAPE!" screamed a polite elderly gentleman.

The rabid fan attacked the polite elderly gentleman's neck while foaming at the mouth and proceeded to infect him with rabies. Soon he too would appreciate the beautiful music that was The Backstreet Boys! Unless he got a rabies shot very quickly, but that all depended on his insurance coverage.


In a taxi not so far away, Selina Marina was putting on her makeup.

"You know," said Alistair, "you don't have to put on waterproof makeup if you're just going for an evening out."

"Nah," said Selina as she combed her eyelashes with the mascara brush, "I might get struck by a wave of Past-Related Angst and burst into a wave of tragic tears. It serves to be prepared."

Damien was contributing nothing to this conversation, but not because he was still unconscious. He was conscious all right, but he was locked in the trunk where Selina Marina had put him. He was plotting his escape.

"Dark shadow spirits of my fathers," grunted Damien in a voice faintly resembling a magical pig, "avenge me for the sake of my sickening sickle state of seashell-inspired solitude, avenge me for the right of my ravenously ravishing rambunctiousness of regal ragitude, avenge me for the night of naked nasty narcissism in the nether regions of Nebraska!"

An unholy light spilled out from Damien's armpits and quickly engulfed the unfortunate youth. With a scream of tortured souls in HELL, the trunk of the car BURST OPEN WITH FLAMES OF WRITHING PUKING GLORY!

"Did you hear a noise?" said Selina Marina as she buttered her lips with butter.

"Nrrgggrrrr," said Alistair, who was busy transforming into a toy poodle.

"OH MY GOD!" exclaimed Selina Marina, and she scooted to the other side of the seat in horror as she watched Alistair complete his hideous transformation. "What… what are you?"

"Yip yip!" roared the transformed Alistair, who had turned into one of the most vicious beasts on the planet, and he leaped at Selina Marina, his fierce maw gaping open like a slut's, well, you get the picture.

Selina Marina quickly EVER SO QUICKLY unzipped her breasts, plunged in her hand, and pulled out A TENNIS RACKET!

"TAKE THAT!" she yelled and with a tremendous whack that had won her Wimbledon last year and given her the title of youngest tennis champion in the world, she smacked poodle-Alistair into the door.

Alistair-poodle, however, was not so easily defeated, and he quickly got his bearings and jumped forward for another attack!

"Oh, Goddess!" cried out Selina Marina in desperate desperation, "what should I do?"

"Selina Marina," answered the Goddess, "use your feminine wiles!"

"I already did!" snapped Selina Marina. "I don't think I have anything else in my breasts that'll be of any use, unless you suggest I overfeed him with chocolate brownies till he explodes."

"No, Selina," answered the Goddess patiently, "use your other feminine wiles." And when Selina got a confused look on her face and began reaching down between her legs, the Goddess added (with a little bit of exasperation) "use your voice, Selina Marina. Sing him a song, and then he will love you!"

"Oh!" said Selina Marina. She hummed a little to warm up (poodle-Alistair was getting very frustrated as he waited in mid-air for Selina Marina to get on with it) and then began singing a song.


Alistair-poodle gazed at Selina Marina with adoring eyes as she completed her aria OW GOD MY LEG OH IT HURTS and gently crept forwards to lay his slobbering head on her lap.

"Oh!" exclaimed Selina Marina in delight. "It worked! Well, that's OW OW OW THE PAIN OW one more thing to strike off my list!"

Suddenly, the taxi swerved! The driver spun the wheel desperately, but his windshield had become obscured by FLAMES OF WRITHING PUKING GLORY!

"Oh gosh darn it!" whistled Selina Marina, "That horrible Damien kid has done it again!"

And indeed, Damien was floating in front of the car, his eyes cackling with static electricity, er, I mean, crackling with humor, er, whatever. They were doing all sorts of crazy shit, pretty much, and also, he wasn't wearing his sunglasses anymore.

"Oh," said Selina Marina, "he must wear sunglasses all the time so that no one can see that his eyes are constantly cackling!"

"NO," said Damien (his ears had become super-powered from dark energy and he could hear every word Selina Marina had said), "I WEAR SUNGLASSES ALL THE TIME BECAUSE I THINK THEY MAKE ME LOOK SEXY."

"That's kind of stupid," said Selina Marina as she adjusted her extremely short skirt and applied finishing touches to her makeup. "It's dumb to do stuff just because you think it makes you look hot."

"HOW DARE YOU MOCK ME," said Damien, and he raised his hands to summon an evil inferno of evilness to pour down evil on Selina Marina's head.

"We're here!" said the taxi driver, and Selina Marina tossed a wad of cash at the driver, opened the door, and ran out in the direction of the Hollywood Bowl with cries of 'I'll get you, you horrible Joobernowl demon!' ringing in her wake.

"UH, WAIT A MINUTE," said Damien, hands still raised, wondering what to do with all this evil inferno of evilness he had summoned. In the end he decided he'd better find Selina Marina so he could dump it on her head. But his hands were getting tired of holding up all this evil… Damien floated over to an empty trash can, put the evil inside, and tied a knot in the trash bag. He slung the bag over his shoulder and jogged after Selina Marina, his eyes gleaming with sugar-coated intent.

Selina Marina ran up to the ticket master at the Hollywood Bowl with Alistair in tow. "Let me in!" she cried, "In the name of the Goddess!"

"No tickets, no go," said a snide and obnoxious teenage boy.

"But it's in the name of the Goddess!" protested Selina Marina. "And I've got really nice breasts! Won't you let me in for the sake of my breasts?"

"Geez," said the other ticket master, who was a teenage girl of devastating intelligence, "can't you see this girl is dumbshit insane? Some dude I know probably sent her. He's always sending crazy people in my direction. You'd better let her in or she'll do something stupid."

"I'll let her in if you go on a date with me," leered the obnoxious teenage boy.

"Flirt with me one more time," said the girl, "and I'll tear your guts out and feed them to your mother."

Selina Marina took advantage of this distraction to jiggle her way past the ticket masters… only to encounter the security guards who were searching everyone's backpacks!

"Got any carry-on baggage?" quipped a security guard.

"Only my breasts," replied Selina Marina nervously.

"Ha ha ha!" said the security guard. "I'm the same way! I'm not always a man, you know. Sometimes I'm a woman. It's fun wearing all those dresses. But having a period every month… I hate it. It's great being able to switch genders all the time."

"That's nice," said Selina Marina politely, wondering why this security guard was talking so much, and she proceeded to the seating area.

Damien was having a much more difficult time getting into the Hollywood Bowl. "I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOU PATHETIC INSECTS," he snorted at the ticket masters when they asked him for his tickets. "LET ME THROUGH OR YOU WILL NOT LIVE TO REGRET THE CONSEQUENCES."

"I know karate," said the boy ticket master.

"AW SHIT," said Damien, who didn't know karate, and he desperately pushed past the ticket masters, hoping the element of surprise would work in his favor. Actually, the element of laziness worked in his favor. Like so:

"Man, that kid just went in without a ticket."

"We should… Run after him. And stop him. Or something."

"Fine. You do it."

"No, you."


"Yeah, fine!"


"Hey look, someone dropped a five-dollar bill!"

Anyways, back to Damien. It was time for the security guards to examine his luggage. "Let's see the bag, sir!"

Damien placed the garbage bag on the table. "I'D BE CAREFUL WITH THAT IF I WERE YOU," he warned the guard, but to no avail. The guard unknotted the bag and released… a crazy blast of evil! Man, it was just crazy.

"Holy shit this is crazy!" yelled the security guard before he was consumed by a giant centipede that had emerged out of the bag. The centipede was soon followed by a giant beetle, which was followed by a giant sea anemone.

"OH SHIT," said Damien, "THE EVIL IS ESCAPING." He quickly knotted the bag shut again, but not in time to prevent a giant kaleidoscope and a giant tuna fish from emerging to terrorize the populace.

The escaped evil creatures were in the meantime organizing a union strike because they had decided that they're rather be helpful to the little people than evil, but that comes later. Right now, Damien was hurrying into the Hollywood Bowl, so back to Damien!

Damien hurried into the Hollywood Bowl. "Selina Marina!" he yelled, his voice returning to non-capitals because it hurt his throat to talk in capitals so much, "Where are you, you crazy wacko?"

Selina Marina didn't answer, as she was busy staring at the stage, trying to figure out which person was the Joobernowl demon in disguise. The conductor, the violinist, the trombonist, Gwen Stefani, the musical parrots, the percussionist, Richard Simmons… Wait a minute! Richard Simmons didn't normally have devil horns and a leathery tail!

"Aha!" cried out Selina Marina, and she lunged at the stage… well, flew at the stage, since the stage was pretty far away, and anyways, she flew at the stage, her magical scepter extended.

"You can't do that!" screamed Gwen Stefani.

"Wahah!" screamed back Selina Marina, brandishing her scepter, and Gwen Stefani sprouted a gloriously bushy beard and mustache.

"Somebody stop her!" screamed someone who is not famous and thus will not be honored by being mentioned by name.

Selina Marina also gave him a bushy beard and mustache.

"Want to buy some cookies?" said a group of girl scouts in Selina Marina's way.

"Learn to shave!" cackled Selina Marina, and she brandished her scepter yet again!

"Oh no!" exclaimed Damien, watching through binoculars, "Selina Marina has gone power-mad! Well, beard-and-mustache-mad, in any case. I've got to stop her! But how?"

"Shhh, not now!" said an old man who was watching the stage. "The show's about to start! Do it during intermission."

The light abruptly went out. Selina Marina found herself on the stage, but unable to see where anything or anyone was. She stumbled around a bit, and suddenly, the lights went on again! A tumult of applause greeted a dazed Selina Marina, who started bowing but eventually realized the applause was not meant for her. It was meant… for the Joobernowl!

It had shed its Richard Simmons form and appeared instead in its true form, which was so hideous to behold that I will not even bother describing it (save to mention that it was five feet fall and wearing a headdress made out of peacock feathers).

Selina Marina then realized several very salient facts: she could not destroy the Joobernowl now without disrupting the show, and for the first time in her life, a spotlight was pointed right at her and she had an audience of thousands waiting behind the limelight.

It was time to make her breakthrough performance.

Selina Marina forced her face into a smile, walked up to the Joobernowl, slung an arm around its neck, and as the orchestra struck up a melody, began to sing. The Joobernowl joined in, and the audience hummed and sighed at the beautiful sounds of their duet.

"Wow," said Damien as he listened to Selina Marina's melodic croaking, "I didn't know she could sing like that! This is pretty hot." He gazed at Selina Marina for the first time with unabashed admiration.

Selina Marina, in turn, was looking into the audience, and noting to herself that Damien looked quite attractive when he wasn't wearing any clothes. I mean, when he wasn't wearing any sunglasses. Damien wasn't naked. Yet. That comes later.

The audience burst into applause when the song concluded and madly demanded an encore, which Selina Marina and the Joobernowl gladly provided to the tune of 'A Pirate's Life For Me'. Then, it was intermission.

"I've got you now!" exclaimed Selina Marina, and she threw a net over the Joobernowl.

"EEK EEK EEK!" squeaked the Joobernowl in protest.

"Back to the horrible place from whence you came!" commanded Selina Marina, and the Joobernowl reluctantly went back to Ohio.

"Wow, what a tiresome evening!" said Selina Marina. "But I might still have time to buy those shoes… if I hurry!" And with that, she, Alistair, and Damien all ran off to fetch another taxi and speed off to the shoes store!

And meanwhile…


Meanwhile, in a place far away and far removed from the current events of the story, a dark shadowy and middle-aged figure was contemplating the stars. "The time is soon," he hissed at the night sky. "The time for the thirteen murders is soon!"

"Come inside," called the figure's wife, "your dinner is getting cold. And stop talking to the sky! Someone else might see and call the white-coats."

"Okay honey!" called back the figure, and he want to join his wife for dinner.

Dun dun dun… DUN DUN!

COMING SOON: Chapter Five, The First Murder!