The Papers

Summary: Dad – Lucifer XII – always hated the idea of cross-species relationships, especially since mom ran off with the vampire. But I just HAD to be a rebel and fall for the human, didn't I? At least it wasn't an angel.


My family isn't what you'd call traditional.

I mean, I guess if you're human the idea of anybody having a family in a place like hell is pretty non-traditional, especially considering who my dad is. We never got up early on Sundays to go to church together, that's for sure. But even for a family living in hell, we weren't exactly standard.

Maybe I should explain just what I mean by "traditional."

You see, since my dad is the big honcho around here – Satan, the Devil, Lucifer, whatever it is you humans are calling him these days – he's got a lot of rules of conduct to follow. The written ones are pretty easy, really – inspire fear into those below you, command with an iron fist and make the afterlife unbearable for anyone terrible enough to land in hell – it's the unspoken rules that are harder to follow.

Ever since the original Satan, Lucifer the first, our family has had very strict breeding guidelines. We always marry other demons, first off. That's just plain common sense because there's nothing worse than a tainted bloodline ruling over the fiery pits of doom that could, more or less, destroy the world. They might get crazy ideas or be wishy-washy part good-doers or something. Secondly, we always produce male heirs and the first born son is always named Lucifer.

Now, my dad, Lucifer the twelfth, did pretty well on the first part. He fell in love and got married to this gorgeous she-demon named Persephone, and aptly so, since Dad was so taken with her. I've seen pictures of their wedding, and it was more lavish and luxurious than his own coronation. (To be fair, that might be because his coronation was well over five thousand years ago.)

So that was all very good and well. Beautiful and smart mom plus handsome and smart dad equals gorgeous and super intelligent baby, right?

Well, that's where things went wrong.

You see, instead of having a lovely baby boy named Lucifer the thirteenth, they went and had me. A lovely baby girl.

Historically speaking, there's nothing wrong with that. After all, there have been female first-borns in the past. Just look at my aunt Vesta. She was born a full four hundred years before Dad. As long as a male heir comes about, there's no problem.

But in this case, my being a girl screwed everything up.

Before Mom and Dad could get around to making more babies, my mom went up to the surface on vacation to Rome. That's where she met Sebastian, a three thousand year old vampire. She ran off with him and never showed her face in hell again. Trust me, if she had, both she and her bloodsucking lover boy would both be dead as doornails.

Which left me.

In the human world, I guess the logical thing for Dad to do would be to remarry, but things work a little differently down here. Since Mom and Dad never officially split, anymore children he had would be illegitimate and therefore ineligible to succeed his rule. Until my mom showed up again, there was only me, and since Mom was smarter than to contact Dad after what she did – breaking his heart and ruining his name and everything – that left us metaphorically stranded.

If I had popped out a boy like I was supposed to, none of this would even be a problem. If I didn't look like a carbon copy of my mom, Dad wouldn't act angry and sulky every time I came into his line of sight.

But instead of a Lucifer XIII, they got a plain old Juno and now my life will never be "traditional."

Especially since, for the first time in 300,000 years, the heir to the throne isn't going to be of the original bloodline. It's going to be the bloke that Dad decides I should marry according to some sort of criteria he thought up.

Too bad for me, my husband-to-be has already been hand selected for me, despite the fact that I am hardly ninety-five years old. And, predictably, Remus-soon-to-be-Lucifer (the name change being necessary if only to save face) is the biggest jerk in hell, on earth, upstairs in heaven, or on any other plane of existence you can think of. On top of that, he's already one thousand years old. Can you talk about an age difference? I'm barely a teenager and he's a full blown adult.

As you can probably guess, I'm not exactly excited to turn the big three digits, which is when I'm due to be married off. Mom and Dad weren't even married until they were both fourteen thousand! How unfair is that?

Despite only being a teenager, I am far from stupid and am probably more stubborn than both my parents combined, which is saying something. So, of course, I have come up with an ingenious plan.

With only five years to go until my life is officially over, I've decided it's time to take action. There is only one way to avoid marrying that stupid jerk, and that's to get my Mom to sign The Papers.

The Papers are a fairly new concept to us demons. Although we've been around much longer than you sniveling humans, are lives are generally much less miserable – mine being the obvious exception – so before my mom ran away, divorce rituals were long, grueling, and involved both people to be present in a public area for more than five minutes. The Papers changed everything. Now all you have to do is sign your name and you're free!

For this one reason, I am thankful to you humans, whom I normally dislike. You have given me one golden opportunity: If my mom signs The Papers, my dad can remarry and have a baby boy, and I will never have to even look at that stuck-up Remus ever again.

It's a good plan, right?

There's just one hitch: In order to get Mom to sign The Papers and save me from certain doom, I have to go to the human world and find her in a little less than five years.

To go to the human world, I need Dad's permission, which is basically impossible to get thanks to Mom. To get it, I need a viable excuse. And if you think lying to Lucifer (XII) is easy, think again.

And finding Mom? Holy Crap-a-moly, that's going to be hard. Demons are never easy to hunt down and Vampires are notorious for being super secretive. If those two don't want to be found, I'm not going to find them just by jumping into the human world and strolling through Rome.

But, well, I am the gorgeous baby daughter of the two most intelligent demons in hell, so hey, I'm bound to think of something.

A/N: I am a terrible author. Ha ha ha. I haven't updated my other story at all. Writers Block after only the prologue. But I have lots of ideas for this one so hopefully I'll update it sooner. I think I may have messed up my tenses a bit. If you find a mistake, please let me know. This goes for everything, really.