Letter to God
It's me, Cathryn Imler.
I haven't talked to you in a long time. By now you know that I hurt myself on purpose and that I cut myself. You also know since I was ten I have a tendency to pull out my hair in stressful times.
Ever since daddy's death, I felt like I am dead. The memories of me being sexually abused when I was younger don't help. So, I have moved onto other types of self-injury. I used an eraser to create a burn on the top of my left hand and for doing that I was admitted to a mental hospital for two to three weeks.
Then a year later I met Mallory, and found out that if I cut myself, it relieves the pain and numbs me. So, the cycle of cutting me started. I also started to pick at my skin on my legs and cause sores.
I feel like I need to punish myself; especially if I am not perfect.
At times, I don't want to keep on living. I feel like I have nothing to live for, but I don't want to leave my brother or mom behind.
I just don't know what I am supposed to know anymore.
With love from your earthly daughter,
Today I met a girl named Mallory. She is pretty awesome. We met in the nurse's office. I showed her around the school today. We have science class together. We sit next to each other. It's another reason for me to slack off. Mr. Frank yelled at us today for talking.
Mallory and I have been friends for a month. I'm going to her house for the first time today. I found out that she was in a group home for the past two years. Her mom committed suicide when she was five. So, she lives with her dad and three brothers and sister.
I found out a shocking secret today when I went to Mallory's and I found out that she cuts herself!
She introduced me to it. I've never experienced anything like it before! It hurts, yet feels so wonderful!
We made "suicide bears." We took small teddy bears and mutilated and manipulated them into hiding out razors!
It's been a year since my dad died. Since then I have been hospitalized, in therapy, on meds, developed and eating disorder, and been diagnosed with depression. My grades plummeted, and I barely passed my 8th grade school year.
I've started cutting anywhere from once a day to several times a day. I can't stop. I don't know how. I don't want to stop. My life sucks. I've been cutting on my legs and feet. I don't want people to know. They can't find out! I have a two inch cut on the side of my leg. It isn't deep. I wish it was. I'm glad I only wear jeans to school and that I don't have gym class this semester.
My mom is always working. I know she needs to work to support my brother and I, but I'd like to see her every once and awhile.
I met a boy today, I really like him. I don't want him to know about my cutting.
I hate Jr. High school. People are so mean.
Ever since I lost my virginity last summer I hear people calling me a slut. Now guys think I am "easy." I hate it. It's horrible.
I'm still cutting. I can't go a day without it.
I joined a Christian message board today. It's cool. My friend Millie showed it to me.
Mallory is the only one who knows about my cutting. She won't tell anyone. She knows better. I'm worried about her. She's just as depressed as I am, maybe even more.
All my friends are dumping their problems on me. I hate it! I can't handle it. It's too much. I feel like it's crushing me.
My world is crashing down around me. I have all this pressure. If I want to go to Vo-Tech next year I have to do well. I have to get really good grades.
Mr. Frank is mad at me. He told me I could do better if I applied myself and that I could make a decent grade in his class. I am failing it right now. I hate science class. It's boring. Last year was horrible. Neutrons, protons, electrons, and outer shells; it's pointless and stupid!
I received a note from a girl I don't know. She dated Jimmy and then they broke up. She didn't say a work to me until she walked away and then she called me a slut. Here's what the note said:
"You slut! How many guys have you slept with? 10, 15, 20? If you slept with Mike or Jimmy, that alone is 20. You make me sick! You're suck a bitch, whore and SLUT!"
How on earth does sleeping with two guys make me a slut?
Ever since I did that "Teens Talk Show," people have been calling me horrible names like this. My own friends are calling me these names. I'm sick of it and hate it!
Now I can't even go to the counselor or principal because I'm told to "toughen up." Nothing is done about this.
If I told my mom she would call the school and nothing would happen. Every time I get picked on or bullied I feel two inches tall. I'm so sick of it. No wonder I'm cutting. There's nothing I can do about this. I feel so helpless. Since Tara is going to a different school she can't stick up for me.
God I want to cut. I wrote this poem today.
"Tears will never bring you
back, Tears will never bring you
back, Tears will never
bring you back, Tears
will never bring you back; Tears will never bring
you back, Tears will never bring you
back, Tears will never bring you back,
Even if I cry thousands.
I feel like I'm bound in this hell,
No matter how hard I try,
Must say good bye,
I can't do that,
I won't do that.
Earth is a living hell,
There's no mercy in you god,
Why did you have to take why him away?
He was my Dad,
Do you not have any mercy?
I take the knife to my wrists,
I hear a voice and I think I hear my love,
No it's inside my head,
I'm going crazy,
I'm already crazy.
God you do have mercy,
It's a little late now,
You've given me life,
I should've lived it to the fullest,
God I'm sorry."
Tears will never bring you
Tears will never
bring you back,
will never bring you back;
Tears will never bring
Tears will never bring you
Tears will never bring you back,
I love the feeling after cutting. I feel like I can do anything. I feel ALIVE! After my dad died I've felt like I was dead; a void, a nothing in the world. Now that I cut I see the blood and I see that I'm still alive. The blood is still pulsing through my body.
I feel numb though. It scares me. I feel absolutely nothing. However, I don't feel any pain. I don't feel the pain after my dad's death.
I broke down today, sobbing uncontrollably. I miss my dad so much. I can't take this anymore! I ended up cutting above my knee; three small crooked cuts going in different directions. I feel better than I did.
I made a new discovery! I took a shower after I did this to wash away the blood and the water stung like crazy! I loved it.
I'm back to having a TSS, which stands for Therapeutic Staff Support. It's like a having a social worker that gives you therapy, takes you places, and is your friend.
Today she took me to the mall and I had a makeover. I look really good. I normally hate myself, but I look awesome!
I lied to her today. She asked if I ever hurt myself on purpose. I told her no. I also stopped taking my meds. They weren't working. I feel like crap.
I'm depressed and suicidal. I'm writing poetry as an outlet. I stopped cutting for now. I'm not telling anyone about me being suicidal. I'll end up in the hospital again and I can't afford to. My grades would suffer.
People think they are helping me, but they are making me worse. In the past three days I haven't cut but I've only ate enough to keep my blood sugar.
Oh well. Life goes on, for the most of us...
I was told to start taking my meds again. I hate them.
My dad would always tell me and my brother that depression "is all in your head." Maybe he's right.
She's Got Her Happily Ever After
tears roll down her face,
no sound emits from her lips.
wants to scream, Her life is in
shambles, She never thought she'd be in this
place again. She
lives in another would, Her life hasn't been the same; She can't take it anymore. She ends it.
to let out the pain, frustration,
She can't take it anymore.
Never thought the pain would resurface.
The one inside her head
the fantasy world.
She needs to face reality,
to go into the cold, heartless world.
After molestation, emotionally abuse,
lies, and her father's death.
She wants out,
to end it all,
She's got her happily ever after.
Her life is in
She never thought she'd be in this
lives in another would,
Her life hasn't been the same;
She can't take it anymore.
She ends it.
I haven't cut for a week. I'm not sure if that's good or not.
Mallory is in the hospital. She tried to commit suicide.
I feel like it's my fault. I wasn't home. I wasn't there for her. There were thirteen messages on the answering machine when I got home. God this sucks! I don't even know how she did it.
I cut again. I don't even know why. Oh well.
I opened my cut again, on purpose. It had started to bleed anyways. Too bad it didn't bleed a lot. It's not deep (sadly). I've been lying to my mom about my cutting. She's stupid enough to believe it.
Mallory is out of the hospital!
I carved an anarchy sign into my thigh. It hurt, usually it doesn't. I don't think it will scar.
Mallory has an upside down cross on her ankle. She keeps cutting over it to make it bigger. It's half and inch wide and about an inch long.
Lately, I've been hanging out with her.
I was assigned the baby today. It's for my humanities class. I had it in 7th grade and did a bad job. My mom ended up taking care of it.
The assignment is called "Baby Think It Over." I'm going to do well on it. I invited my friend Tara over, so she can see the "baby." When I came home from school my mom was like "let me see my granddaughter," (they are anatomically correct.)
When it first cried it scared me. I thought I did something to it. I reacted quickly and soothed it. I think I'm going to make a good mom, but I'm not ready to have a baby yet. I'm not financially stable or even emotionally stable.
I took the "baby" to the store today. Everyone thought it was real, until it didn't move. It was funny. I also went to the Chinese restaurant and had to take care of the baby. There was a couple and they kept staring at me and giving me dirty looks. It was rude and pissed me off.
I'm so tired though, I am not resting because I need to know when the "baby" is "waking up."
Well I received a 100 on the assignment, but I could've received a 101 if Mallory hadn't done something to it. I'm so mad at her. I wanted to do better; no I wanted a perfect grade.
I met a new girl today at school. Her name is Samantha. She is in my gym class. I like her. Mallory and I befriended her.
Samantha and I got into a fight in the locker room. She got mad at me and put me in a headlock. I flipped her over my back. She stopped messing with me! Ha!
Samantha and Mallory are doing some stuff I don't like. Samantha gave some pills to Mallory because Mallory is having trouble sleeping at night. Mallory says she'd going to take them. I'm not sure she should. There's no stopping her though… Sigh
Mallory put the pills in my locker. They've been there for a few days. I thought it was another one of her pill bottles. No, she put them in there. I don't know why. Maybe she was scared.
Well I was suspended. 10 days out. There goes my social dance. I am so mad. I cried. My assistant principal says one day I will understand. I don't think I will. Apparently it's wrong to leave pills in your locker for more than a day. My mom told me not to say anything. So my assistant principal says that I was lying. I am so mad! Mallory was also suspended.
I've been out of school for a week because I've been sick. A few days ago my mom took me to the ER. I have a virus.
Well the housing authority came into the house and took pictures of our messy house. I couldn't tell them to leave, because I could barely talk. They looked at me like scum.
We're going to be evicted I know it.
If only I had the energy to clean…
We received a letter in the mail. There's going to be a hearing about us getting evicted. I'm scared
Mom cleaned the house, I mean spotless clean. I don't think that's going to change their mind.
There's only a few days of school left.
This can't be happening.
We were evicted. Now we're going to go live in a homeless shelter. I'm scared and want to cut. I never thought I would have to say that I'm homeless. sigh