Creative Writing hour 6
Bring me to Life
I used to hate my life; like when I was younger. Until I was about 15 I had Selective Mutism Disorder (It's a type of social anxiety disorder that doesn't allow a person to speak to others). I could only talk to a few people and when was talking I was the loudest in the room, as long as I felt safe of course. I hated going to school, it was torture; teachers and students would constantly try and get me to talk, it's not that I didn't want to talk but it was like I couldn't. All the kids at school made fun of me and called me names, my nickname was S.S. Angie, for Scary Silent Angie; every time I heard it I remember thinking g S.S. Angie, Silently Screaming Angie. A lot of kids at school thought I was scary because I never talked and I usually dressed in black to hide myself. I figured if I wear dark clothes and stick to myself no one will try and make me talk and not to mention my only friend was a 'goth' so she always wore black and I just felt like I belonged with her more if I dressed the same way. Teachers hated the fact that I was a mute, especially my history teacher, he always tried to get me to talk in front of the class and I never did so he would always yell at me and send me to the office.
The office never did anything.
I hated my classes and my teachers, and I would say that I was like a normal teenage girl in some sense; I hated all the girls in my classes because I envied them. I wanted to be just like them, they were all rich and beautiful, and none of them had a stupid disorder that everyone made fun of. My best friend Zoey was not so popular but she was still kinda like the popular girls. She was gorgeous. Her dad owns a huge company so she's loaded. The thing I loved most about Zoey was that she knew who she was and was comfortable with that. She never cared about what other people thought of her.
My home life wasn't much better than my school life was. My family was pretty much broke and my brother Adam always blamed me for everything, I honestly think that he hated me. Adam would blame me for the family being broke, "It's your fault I can't have money to go hang out with my friends! Just because you don't want to talk I have to suffer for it!" he would always scream at me. I never did anything mean to him, but he was mean to me on a regular basis. He always called me names and pushed me around, and he would blame me for breaking something that his friend did.
My dad was never home and he was the only person I could really talk to. He understood me because when he was younger he had psychological problems too. He got over his problems and he always told me how he did get over them and he reassured me all the time that I would get over my problems too. He gave me hope all the time when I was younger and he would always play with me and help me with my homework. Then he got a job in the city and then he was hardly ever home. I miss how he always believed that I was right and was telling the truth over Adam. My mother on the other hand was the opposite. If Adam ever blamed me for something I would be punished and she wouldn't even question Adam at all, she would always tell me that Adam is my older brother and knows what is right and wrong, then she would say how Adam would never lie to her. My mom didn't have a job at all, she stayed home all the time and usually she was sleeping. If she wasn't sleeping she was crying on the couch because my dad is never home or she was cleaning her stress away. My mom never seemed to like me very much, she always seemed to avoid me and not talk to me, I really think that she hated that I was a mute and punished herself by not getting to know her daughter.
Since home sucked so much all the time I was hardly ever home. I would always find some excuse to go and hang out with Zoey, and if she couldn't do anything then I would go to the park and sit there until I had to go home. Zoey and I always had fun we hung out, we would play games, listen to music, dance around her house like a dork, and we talked about serious stuff, she usually did most of the talking but I never minded.
In my freshman year in high school during the first quarter my parents started arguing on a regular basis about stupid things that never should have mattered, and unfortunately some things that meant everything. I was one of the reasons that they were fighting. I always tried to listen to hear what they were saying but Adam always turned up his radio too loud to try and drown out all the noise. When I could hear my dad was always yelling at my mom for neglecting me and my mom was yelling at my dad for never being home.
There was a fight that I will never forget. My dad came home around two in the morning one night and my mom was furious. When he walked in the door my mom through an ashtray at his head and they started fighting right away. They were screaming and I woke up and I ran to the stairs to listen while my parents fought just below me. I heard Adam wake up and I heard him listening through the door but I knew he that he wasn't going to come out. I went into Adam's room after listening for a while to talk to him about it because I was upset and scared. I've never seen Adam so mean in my life, I walked in and he shut and locked the door behind me. He whispered to me but in a mean voice "It's all you're fault mom and dad want a divorce!" when he said that he started walking closer to me and I remember him coming after me and I blacked out. I woke up the next morning in my room covered in bruises and hurting all over. I knew what happened and what Adam did but I didn't want mom and dad to fight over another thing so I just ignored it and pretended that it never happened. Adam never mentioned anything about it either.
Not long after my parents got a divorce. I ended up staying at home with dad and Adam and mom moved to an apartment 25 miles away. I never went to visit mom because she didn't want to drive to get me and my dad didn't want to have to see my mom. At the time I didn't mind not seeing my mom but looking back I know that my teenage years would have been a lot easier with a mother to look up to.
Living with my dad changed my entire life.
When my parents got divorced my dad realized that he was hardly ever home. When he tried to change that he got fired. He said it was because he did something bad in a meeting but I know he was lying. I heard him talking on the phone to his boss the day before about how he needed to be home more with me and his boss told him no. He got really mad and yelled at his boss and the next day he told me he was fired.
Once I got the idea into my head that I got my dad fired I hated my life even more. My dad got a new job that was even better than the one he got fired from two days after he was fired but I didn't care. I started getting into some things that I knew and still know that I shouldn't have. I wanted to die more than anything in the world. I made lists of every reason that I hated myself, I still have a few of them. On one list I had 142 reasons why I should kill myself. I stole my dad's medicine out of the medicine cabinet and I hurt myself. I stopped eating because I felt unworthy of eating food (when I did eat it was a very small amount of food). I cut myself because I hated myself and I was sick of crying all of the time. When I cut it was like my body was crying, it wasn't hurting it was just crying because my eyes were dried out.
After about a month of not eating and cutting my dad noticed that something was wrong with me and took a day off of work and called me into school as sick and we spent the day together. We went out to eat and saw a movie and went to the park to swing. When we went swimming in our pool is when my dad found out I was in trouble. I put on my bathing suit and I was really self conscious and afraid that my dad would notice; he was doing laps when I first got out to the pool so he didn't notice anything at first. My dad and I were playing tag and swimming and when he went to tag my arm he noticed that my arm was covered in scars. "Angie what happened?" I was ashamed and lowered my head.
My dad lifted my chin and looked me in the eyes, I stared back up at his eyes and tears came pouring out of mine. My dad swam me to the edge of the pool and I held onto the side while he climbed out. After he climbed out he pulled me out and wrapped me in a towel and sat me down on the bench with his arms around me holding me as I cried. My dad went out of the room to go and grab me tissues and a cup of water. While he was gone I remember starting to think "Great, I'm a stupid goon who just made her dad worried and about to cry because she can't handle her own life."
Before my dad got back I ran to the changing rooms in the pool area and went into my pants pocket and pulled out a Swiss army knife I found in Adam's room after they moved out. I cut my wrist like I normally would but this time it was different. Normally when I cut myself it didn't hurt. This time it hurt. It hurt so bad I started screaming. I heard my dad coming so I stopped screaming and I hid under the table. My dad came into the room and started screaming my name when he saw a pool of blood on the floor on the opposite side of the table. I never heard my dad scream or seen him cry in my life before that day. My dad looked around the room some more and noticed a trail of blood going to under the table. When he found me he stopped crying and crawled underneath the table with me.
I showed him my wrist and he started crying again. He crawled out from under the table and had me follow him. I tried to stand up but I fell over, I'm not sure why I fell but I did. My dad picked me up and carried me upstairs to the bathroom and he cleaned out my cut and wrapped it in gauze. He walked me to my room and we sat on my bed and he begged me to tell him what was going on. I tried talking and I think he could tell that I wanted to talk but I just couldn't.
My dad got up and walked across my room to my desk; he grabbed a notebook and a pen and brought it to me. He told me to write him a letter and tell him what was going on. I smiled and nodded. The idea of being able to write my dad what was going on was so much easier than talking to him for two reasons; one: I didn't have to talk and two: It gave me more time to be able to find the right words. My dad walked out of my room and said dinner would be ready in an hour.
When he left I started to think of what I wanted to write but nothing came to me. I tried to think of every reason that I ever cut myself and all the reasons why I've cried lately and for some reason and I couldn't think of anything. I started pacing in my room and all of a sudden everything just came to me. I wrote down everything that I wanted to write about in my letter so I wouldn't forget about anything.
After dinner I went up to my room and started writing right away.
I'm not really sure how I want to start this, because thinking about writing all my problems down makes me feel like I'm a spoiled little baby who isn't getting their way so she has to make a big deal and hurt herself. I guess I'll start with home. I love how you're home all the time now but I feel bad for getting you fired from your old job. I know that you told me that you just did bad at a presentation but I heard you on the phone saying you needed to be home more often and your boss said no and you said that you were gonna quit and he said pack your things tomorrow. I feel bad for being so needy that you had to quit your job just to be home with me to make sure I'm okay.
I also think that it's my fault you and mom were fighting so much and got a divorce. Adam always tells me that it's my fault too so I know that it is. You were never home because you had to work so much to pay all of my psychiatrist bills and mom was always mad because you were never home. So it's my fault you and mom fought over you never being home. And I heard you and mom fight a couple times saying that you care more about me than you care about her. You should care about your wife more than your daughter.
Because you and mom were always fighting me and Adam were always fighting. You guys never knew about me and Adam fighting though because we always fought when you and mom were fighting so you could never hear us, and he always made sure to be quite so that way you guys don't come up and see us fighting. He said that if we were fighting and you or mom saw it, it would give you and mom another reason to fight and it'd be my fault.
I also hate that I never get to see mom. She doesn't care about me or like me enough to even drive 25 minutes to see me for a while. I hate that my own mom hates me. The way I see it is if my own mom hates me how is anyone else supposed to like me? And everyone always says a daughter is just like her mother and I'm afraid that I'm gonna end up like mom when I'm older and have a kid and hate her and it's just gonna keep spreading through the family. I don't wanna hate my kids! And I feel stupid and weird having to go to the store and by myself tampons and pads because mom's not here to buy them for me and I feel like all the people in the stores are looking at me carry my boxes.
I feel like I have no one to talk to. Which is true I guess because I can't really talk to anyone about my problems because I get too shy.
I hate that I am stupid and can't talk to anyone. No one else I know has a disorder where they can't talk. Talking is just a natural thing that everyone can do. Everyone but me. I'm like an alien. I get made fun of all the time at school because I'm a mute. I get unbelievably mad when I can't talk. You have no idea how frustrating it is to want to talk and try to talk but you just can't. I know how you get mad when no one wants to listen to you or you try to talk and no one listens. Try being me; wanting to talk not being able to; and when you are able to no one wants to listen. I have so much that I want to say all the time but I never can because I'm too stupid for anyone to listen to me and retarded to be able to. I HATE THAT I CAN'T TALK!
School sucks everyday because I can't talk. My teachers yell at me because I don't participate in class discussions and activities. What they are too stupid to understand is that I have a mental disorder that I can't talk. My history teacher told me yesterday that if I don't start talking and participating in debates and stuff he's gonna fail me. And I can't tell any other teacher or the guidance counselor that he's not being fair because I can't talk to anyone! When kids see me whispering to Zoey sometimes they come up to me and say that I hate them because I can talk and I just don't talk to them so I must hate them. But it's not true at all!! I like most of the kids at school but I just don't feel comfortable enough to talk by them. Zoey is the only one that I can even whisper to at school and I only have lunch and one class with her so I don't get to talk at home or at school really. I want to talk I really do!
I'm failing 3 classes right now but you didn't know that until now. I'm failing because I don't understand the material and I'm too afraid to ask my teachers for help and I don't think that you would understand my homework, Failing classes scares me because I won't be able to get into college and make something of myself. I don't want to live here with you forever dad (no offence), I want to be somebody, I want to discover something and be known by everyone, I doubt that will ever happen though.
While I'm writing this I mite as well just tell you that I want a dog. I want a dog so I can have someone to take care of and play with. And I want it to be a boy. And I want it to be a big dog because I think small dogs are gross and ugly. I want it to be a golden retriever and name it Max.
Okay back on topic. There is this boy Chad at school and I like him a lot. But I don't know how to tell him or show him. He seems to be kinda nice to me too. He smiles at me every time he sees me and I smile back but I don't think it's gonna go anywhere besides just a smile because I can't talk to him and I don't think he is going to come up to me and talk to me.
Dad you told me that you always had mental problems when you were younger but you never told me what was wrong with you. Tell me please what was wrong with you, maybe it can help me.
I'm really sorry for making you upset before. Sometimes I just can't help myself; I feel any tiny bit of anger or sadness and I just hurt myself away. I don't mean to make you upset too dad. I really am sorry
My hand was killing me after writing that letter and I only wanted to sleep. I put the letter in an envelope and slid it under my dad's door. I walked back to my room and went to bed.
In the morning when I woke up there was an envelope on the other pillow on my bed. As soon as I realized what the envelope was for I ripped it open and out fell a letter and a photograph. In the picture it was my dad and he was holding a baby girl (I think it was a girl at least, it was wrapped in a pink blanket) on the back of the picture it said"Father and Daughter".
I was looking through old picture albums of the family and this picture made me smile. I remember the day that this picture was taken. This is the first time I ever saw you. When you were born I was at a big meeting for work and yes; I missed the birth of my only daughter. I feel terrible for it but I did. The day I came back Mrs. Angie; I don't think you remember her, but she was your nanny when you were younger until you were about four years old. You were named after her. Anyways she was there with you and I saw her and I ran to you. Next to her in a car seat there you were. All I can remember thinking is how did I miss the birth of this beautiful girl? I think I always wanted to spend time with you and make you daddy's little girl because I missed the first few weeks of your life and I always felt guilty about that. And I regret not seeing your birth, but I think if I was there I wouldn't have tried so hard for you to like me; which I think is good because I wouldn't know how your life is, and neither would anyone else.
Until I was a sophomore in college I had the same disorder that you do now; selective mutisim disorder. In my science class I met your mother; she took an interest in the tall quite kid that sits by himself all day. I was different than you a little bit, I also had an anxiety disorder so whenever anyone tried to talk to me I'd go into a panic mode and my breath would get quicker and my heart would race. Your mom may not seem like it now but back then she was really nice and kind. She was the one who helped me out of both of my disorders along with my medications. She asked the professor what my deal was and why I never talked, the professor explained to her that I had anxiety and selective mutisim. So what your mom did was everyday she would smile at me. Eventually I got the courage to smile back. Then everyday she would wave and I would smile. Eventually I started to wave. The same pattern went all the way through saying hi and having an actual conversation.
Over time I was able to talk to your mom on a regular basis even though it was just a whisper. Over time your mom convinced me that it was okay to talk and that I didn't need to be silent. I'm sure you are probably wondering why your mom never tried to get you to talk; honestly sweetie I do not know why she didn't try. I'm sorry that your mom never made an effort to get you to talk or talk to you. I think it's because she felt guilty about bearing a child who has a disorder. Don't be too hard and upset with your mom though.
Adam had no right to blame you and tell you that it is your fault that mom and I were always fighting; we fought because we fell out of love. That happens to people sometimes. Sometimes people just fall out of love for some reason or another and it's not really anyone's fault. I am really sorry that you and Adam were fighting because of us. It's not fair to you that you had to fight just because mom and I were fighting. Mom and I both should have paid more attention to you and Adam both rather than fighting; I'm really sorry for putting you through this. Just get this into your head please, I beg you . . . it is NOT yours or Adam's fault that mom and I are divorced in any way,
Honey I know how much it sucks to not be able to talk when you want to. The most you can do is try every day. Start with something small like smiling to a new person. And keep smiling to that same person every day. I know how hard it is to keep trying and smiling everyday but if you don't at least try you wont' ever be able to get over your fears of talking to people. I believe in you; I know that someday you will be able to talk to as many people in the world as you want. I believe that someday you will be famous and popular; all it takes is a little help and encouragement to be able to start talking. Honey I know that you will be able to start talking even if it takes a little while.
Now, if any of your teacher's gives you a hard time about talking again let me know and I will go and talk to them. They have no right to make you talk and yell at you if you don't talk. It is not your fault. Those kids at school also have no right but there's nothing I can do about them. The kids at school who pick on you is all up to you to change; you can either ignore them so it doesn't bother you or you can change yourself and talk to prove them wrong.
Angie I know you have the will power in you to start talking.
I love you
When I read my dad's letter he gave me the hope that I can talk which made all the difference. I never had the optimism that I could talk in the future, I just figured that I would be alone and I would just be silent my whole life. My dad inspired something in me that I've never felt before. Hope.
The next day at school is when everything started changing for me. My dad gave me the hope that I can start talking which inspired me to smile at some new people and just be me for a change. I went up to a girl named Alison at school during lunch and smiled at her. She smiled back and asked me to sit with her, I smiled bigger and shook my head yes and agreed. There was something about Allison that made me want to talk my head off and when I tried talking I did, well sort of. I whispered. She really wanted to get to know me and I loved that idea. I wrote her a note telling her that I have selective mutism disorder and told her how I can't really talk to anyone because of it. She thought it was so cool.
After school that day I went over to her house and we hung out. She taught me how to put on make up and make myself look prettier. I felt really comfortable around her for some reason that I could not explain. I think I felt more comfortable around her than I felt around Zoey. She played a ton of different cd's at her house and taught me all about different types of music and she taught me what was good music (Good Charlotte, Blink 182, Simple Plan, any boy band pretty much) and bad music (Any rap or oldies),
Allison was in the crowd at school, she was basically the most popular girl at school and she had her little crowd of kids she thought were pretty or cool which made them popular too. Zoey always said how someday we would be in that group and we would be the most popular girls at school. I guess I made it in before Zoey did. I felt kinda bad about it though because I always told her how stupid and stuck up those girls were and that we shouldn't want to be like them. But I guess I just became one of those girls because I started hanging out with Allison.
Allison's mom invited me to stay for dinner; I figured my dad wouldn't mind so I stayed. Allison's family was really nice. Her mom was really sweet and happy and tried to get along with me and tried to hang out with me and Allison. I didn't mind her mom but she did. Her dad was really funny. And her little sister Hailey was so adorable she was like 5 or 6 maybe and she had cute little pig tails, she was adorable and pretty funny. Allison doesn't like her sister very much, she says that her sister is a brat and is only nice and cute when someone is over. She also had an older brother. Zack. He was so flippin' cute it was unbelievable. He was a grade older than me and Allison; he went to the same school as us but I guess I just never saw him before. After meeting him at dinner I definitely started to keep my eyes a lot more open at school.
Allison sent me home with a bunch of make up and hair stuff so I can look cute everyday. She didn't give me much though because she thought I was so pretty just naturally and I only needed a little bit of makeup to enhance my beauty and the stuff for my hair just made me even cuter. When I got home I put my things away and ran up to my dad in his den and gave him a big hug. He asked me how my day was and I said it was the best day of my life.
I couldn't wait to go to school the next day. I did my homework and went to sleep right away when I got home. I woke up the next morning at 5:30 and had plenty of time to kill. I picked out really cute clothes to wear, ate breakfast, showered did my hair and make up and by that time I still had an hour to wait for school to start. I went to school about a half hour early because Allison told me that her and her other friends go to school early to hang out and talk before classes start. I found Allison and her friends in front of Allison's locker so I went up to them and said hi. I said hi to all of the girls with no problem. I couldn't quite have a conversation though but I was okay with that because hi is a lot more than I could ever say before.
Allison came over to my house that day after school. We did homework together and went on my dad's computer and she made me a myspace. She said it was 2007, everyone had a myspace. I didn't so we made one. It's pretty sweet looking I think. By the end of the night I was able to have a normal person to person conversation with her. She kept encouraging me to talk and I loved that. All day at school she was and at my house she was too. By the end of the night I was a talking machine. I was kind of nervous about school the next day because I didn't want to disappoint Allison by being a talking machine and then the next day being a silent sally.
I was worried about disappointing someone because I couldn't talk. Thinking about it now, that never happened to me before. I was never worried about upsetting someone for not being able to talk before. It was weird having this feeling. Yet at the same time it was exciting because I knew that if I could talk to Allison, and I had the fear of not being able to talk to anyone else I knew that I would be able to talk to everyone someday. Just like my dad said. I know it doesn't make much sense to say that I was afraid of not being able to talk reassured me that I will be able to talk but I just know it's true. I can't explain the feeling at all.
I got to school the next day and I realized that I had no worries. I was talking to my dad the whole way to school to the point where he told me to be quite! I walked up to Allison's locker again today. I said hello to all the girls and they were talking about boys. Lexi has gone all the way with her boyfriend Tyler, Mary has never been kissed, and Isabelle's mom lets her boyfriend sleep over all the time. They asked me about my love life and I told them straight out "I've never had a boyfriend before, I haven't even talked to a boy before other than my dad." All of the girls started screaming and giggling, Lexi told me she had tons of ex boyfriends that would think I was totally hot but I told her I didn't want any of her used trash. She started laughing and said that she doesn't blame me. All of the girls agreed that they need to find me a boyfriend that is none of their ex's, is totally cute, and older so he can drive me in his car. I just laughed along and said okay you guys do that.
After the bell rang everyone split up but me and Allison because we had first period together. On the way to class she told me how proud of me she was for being able to talk to everyone. I smiled and told her if it wasn't for her I wouldn't even be able to say hi to any of the girls. She smiled and put her arm around me for a side walking hug. While walking together I realized that my life was changing and everything was going to be different. I knew that my life wasn't going to end up the way I always imagined it and I was so thankful for my dad being there for me a few days ago when I was on the verge of suicide.
At lunch; Zoey came up to me and asked me if she could sit with us. I shrugged and looked at the girls and they said "This table is invitation only."
Zoey looked at me and said "Ang?"
"You heard them. I don't make the rules hun." I felt kinda bad about turning away my best friend like that but I was in the group, it was my turn and Zoey's turn would come eventually. I figured it would.
Unfortunately Zoey and I stopped talking after that. She was mad at me for saying what I did and not standing up for her and we just grew apart. But me and Allison grew closer and closer so it was even better than hanging out with Zoey because I couldn't really talk a lot with her but with Allison and her friends I'm talking all the time. I think if I wanted to I could have talked to Zoey but having a bunch of friends seemed better than having just that one friend.
Months went by with flying colors. One day it was the beginning of the school year and the next it was almost summer. In March or so Allison and me started getting really competitive because of Lexi. Lexi was mad that I was taking her place as Allison's best friend so she tried really hard to turn her against me and me against her. In May of that year our competition for each other started getting even worse to the point where we would try to hurt each other. All her life she was the "Queen Bee" and I was the underdog who had never been heard of before. We became friends and I started getting popular like she was. She didn't mind me getting popular but when people started to like me more than her was when it started to get ugly.
In March we switched our meeting spots in the morning, instead of everyone meeting at Allison's locker we all met up by my locker in the morning. I went to my locker one morning and no one was there. I figured everyone was just running late or had to go to class early so I didn't make a big deal about it. I went to first hour and Allison and all the girls were there. I walked in and all of the group was telling me how cute I looked today and how I smelled really good. I was like thanks and just carried along with everything as normal. Through out that hole class period they were all complementing me like crazy and I was totally enjoying it and bragging about how amazing I was, I really regret doing that,
At lunch was walking towards the table and I was stopped by Zack. Ever since I started hanging out with Allison, Zack and me always just seemed to click. We started talking and laughing and he asked me out. It was amazing I was so happy and of course I said yes. He said he had to get going and he would call me later. I continued to walk to the table and listened to what they were talking about and I stopped completely to listen when I realized they were talking about me.
"I can't believe she's flirting with your brother, what kind of friend is she? Does she seriously think she has a chance with him?" "Angie is getting so chubby!" "She thinks that everyone loves her but really it's just the opposite" "Maybe we should get her to re-develop her mental disorder so she can quit talking so much" "She should start sitting at the loser table for lunch" "Her outfit today is hideous!" I heard this and so much more. No girl or any person for that matter should have to hear their 'friends' say such terrible things about them.
It didn't stop there. I went to sit at my usual spot and Lexi wouldn't let me sit. She put her feet up on the chair so I pushed them off. She moved to the chair her feet were on and I went to sit in the other chair and Isabelle moved over to where I was going to sit. I asked them what was going on and they said I should sit over at the other table. I asked them why; their response "You're too big of a bitch to sit with us." I had no idea what they were talking about so I looked at Allison and she said she'll talk to me later.
My new found cocky attitude decided to open its mouth up and I said "No we're gonna talk now" and I grabbed her hand and pulled her off to the side and threw my lunch at Lexi.
I asked Allison what was going on with the girls and her because she had been ignoring me ever since first period after they were all complementing me. She said she had no idea what was going and she has to go along with them or she'll be sitting at the loser table. She said she'd talk to the girls about it and get them to let me sit with them again. She never talked to them.
Things with me and Zack were going great. I pretty much stopped hanging out with all the girls and me and Zack started hanging out on a daily basis. I guess you could say that we were dating. We went out to eat and movies and just did stuff together everyday. But we never made it official that we were a couple and I honestly I am glad that we didn't make it official because when things went wrong with us because of Lexi and Allison it would have been a hole lot harder to go through.
Lexi made Allison hate the fact that me and Zack were into each other. When me and Zack first started talking Allison loved the idea and we would always talk about how I could end up being her sister-in-law! The two of them together started spreading rumors about me saying things like I was a mental case and a whore. Zack ended up hearing that I was a whore and I was cheating on him by sleeping with other guys when I knew that he liked me. This resulted in him hating me and never talking to me again.
One day after school when we were hanging out he told me that this was going to be the last time that we were going to hang out because he couldn't take the pain that I kept causing him anymore. And that really was the last time I hung out with him. Or even saw him. About a week later I heard in the halls at school that he transferred schools so that he wouldn't have to deal with the pain from me breaking his heart. Let's just say that feeling of emptiness was one of the worst feelings I ever had.
Over the next few weeks things didn't get any better. They got worse. Lexi had turned Allison so against me. They emailed me I saved the email just to remember everything that happened.
What's up Slut?
Hey hey hey, it's Allison and Lexi here. We hope you're enjoying not having any friends. You know Zack, he switched schools because of you being such a slut and all and now he's in a mental hospital way to go! My parents put him in the hospital because he was gonna kill himself because your broke his heart and now he's under severe watch. You should go visit him, actually you should join him because you are just as psycho as he. Maybe you should try being friends with Zoey again because I know you're lonely from having no friends. Oh wait! You turned Zoey off to hang with us all the time and now she hates you too. Oops sorry about that. Oh Isabelle's birthday is coming up, she wanted you to come but Allison said not to invite you because you're only gonna end up crying if you go because no one likes you. Allison say's don't worry about it. Well this year for you is a good year and a bad year I guess. You gain a ton of weight. Lost your talking disorder. Made a bunch of friends. And lost them and you're old friends. You gained an entirely free summer vacation and rest of the school year. But, you also lost all reason to go outside and do anything so you're just gonna end up getting fatter and fatter. Then next year when you come to school you're still not gonna have any friends because you're gonna be so incredibly fat and ugly and people are going to pick on you and then your going to get mean and bitchy and then you'll be lonely for the rest of you're life. You mite as well just re-develop your disorder so that way you'll have an excuse not to talk to anyone. Well I guess we'll keep this short and go. See ya wouldn't wanna be ya! (And I don't mean that as a joke)
Alli-cat and Lexi
p.s. Allison got new nickname.
Reading that email was horrible. I ran to the bathroom to check to see how much I weighed. I gained 2 lbs in the last 4 months. I knew deep down that I wasn't getting fat and they just wanted something to pick on me about but I let it get to me so I stopped eating breakfast and lunch and would only eat a small healthy dinner. I ended losing 32 lbs in a month and half and it was gross to see how thin I was so I gave up on trying to loose weight. From not eating my body rejected food that I ate and I just threw it all up so my dad had me put on meds to help me keep my food down.
I basically had no reason to wake up in the morning but I still did. I'm not sure why but I did. I still put on make up everyday and made sure I looked cute but I only did it for me. I had no one to impress anymore.
Zoey started to notice I was loosing weight and shutting everyone out. Zoey tried talking me and I just shut her out like I shut everyone else out. She tried calling me and texting and emailing me and I didn't respond to a single thing. I honestly think that I was actually starting to re-develop my disorder.
It was finally the last day of school and I didn't have to deal with any of the girls for 3 months and I couldn't have been more happy or excited about that. At the beginning of the year I was so excited to get my yearbook and get tons of people to sign it and remember how amazing I was that year. Things started changing and at the end of the year; I didn't sign a single yearbook and no one signed mine. I could have had the teachers sign my yearbook but I didn't wanna remember the fact that I was a loser and only had teachers sign my yearbook.
During lunch I normally went to the library but it was closed since it was the last day so I sat in front of my locker. Zoey came up to me and sat down and just started talking to me. I ignored her of course but she didn't care. I think to her things seemed like they were in the old days where she talked and I ignored her. I didn't ignore her on purpose that day though, that day I just couldn't keep my mind focused on anything. Mainly because I didn't want my head to focus on one thing because one thing leads to another thing and then; I'm bawling my eyes out.
I got home from school and I threw my stuff on the floor by the front door and I went in the kitchen to get something to eat. I was faced towards the window so my back was facing the door; Zoey came into my house and was standing behind me for sometime. I don't know how long for sure but when I realized that she was there I screamed. She told me not to freak out and that she just wanted to talk with me. "You can talk, I'll just listen for now." She was okay with that. She sat me down on the kitchen floor next to her against the cupboards.
She saved my summer. Maybe even my life. I remember every word in the conversation that day.
"Look, I know things are different between us now. And I don't know what happened for sure with you and Allison but I did hear things in the hall. I didn't believe a single one of the things I did hear and I still don't. When you ditched me for Allison I hated your guts. You left me alone and friendless. Allison did the same to you but she was way meaner about it."
"I'm sorry" I replied.
"Don't be, I forgave you as soon as I started hearing rumors about you in the halls. I think it's stupid that she had to start rumors about you. Why though?"
"She didn't like that I was becoming more popular than her. Lexi convinced her to do mean things to me and spread rumors and stuff because of it. The first day they started saying things in class they were really nice to me and complementing me; then in the halls and at lunch all they would do is say mean things about me and call me names. They even got Zack to hate me"
"Some of the rumors were outrageous. There is no reason you deserved to be treated like that. The rumors were terrible and mean. And if Zack really loved you he wouldn't have cared about the rumors and if he did he wouldn't have broken up with you he would have talked to you about it. You were mean to me but I still think you deserve better."
She stood up and grabbed my hand and pulled me up she walked to the other side of the kitchen and grabbed a washcloth out of the drawer and walked back by me and the sink. She gave me the washcloth. I didn't understand what it was for so I just looked at her like she was nuts. She got it wet and handed it back to me. I looked at her like she was nuts again and she took it and wiped it down my face and showed me the makeup that came off. I shook my head no and said that I didn't want to take it off.
She explained to me that if I kept it on and continued to put it on it's like letting them still win everyday.
I never used to put on make up until I started to hang out with Allison and her friends. Zoey was right. When I put on makeup I was just letting them win. Because it showed them that I still wanted to be like them. If I still wanted to have my old life that I had with Allison I would continue to act and dress like them. Which I realized that I did still act and dress like them. I treated people like crap including my family after everything went wrong and I dressed in nice clothes and put on makeup everyday. If I truly didn't want that life back I wouldn't put on makeup and I wouldn't care what people thought of me and I wouldn't be mean to make myself feel better.
My problem was that part of me still really wanted to be like Allison. Because when I was like her I felt good about myself and when I used to have my disorder and be the 'real' me I hated myself. But I got to thinking and I realized that I can make a new me. A new me that I liked and felt good about myself. I could be anything I wanted to be and I knew that I could still have Zoey. Zoey was my best friend, she was a better friend than Allison ever was or could have been. And I treated her like crap. I changed myself and that made me feel worse but I had friends which made me feel better about changing. When I felt better about changing I treated people like crap and then I ended up alone.
I didn't want to end up alone forever and I knew that Zoey would eventually leave me if I didn't change and that was an even worse feeling. Because I knew deep down that I still loved and cared about Zoey, we had been best friends all of our lives and I ditched her. I knew that something had to happen if I wanted to be her friend again. But even more important if I wanted to love myself again I had to change because the way things were going I so wasn't liking myself and I things would just get worse.
I hugged Zoey and washed my face off. Then I took her hand and brought her upstairs into the bathroom and I threw all my makeup away. We went into my room and I threw away every piece of clothing that I didn't like and wasn't 'me'.