I guess I just haven't really thought about it. I figured by now at least, it should have sunk in. I don't understand… why am I so unaffected? Usually I would bawl my eyes every single night, but right now… tears just don't seem to come.
I know that my heart has understood that he's gone because otherwise I wouldn't be so… depressed. But this is a calm depression that I'm feeling right now.
I'm really hoping that maybe… just maybe the reason I'm not crying is because I'm over it already; that all of it is in the past, but I know myself better than that. I cried only once when I said good bye… Is my life really just fine without him in it with me?
I never thought it was… so why do I not feel the pain? I'm aching, but it's the sort of aching you feel after you hurt yourself and the pain has subsided. How did I just skip a step? That's not how it's supposed to be.
In fact, nothing's like it should be. Not at all… yet, I'm okay with it?
Honestly… I haven't even thought about it.
I can't. I'm scared to. That if I think about it, then the box will shatter finally. It's like if I had to give myself a shot. I can't just hurt myself like that. I can allow other people to inflict pain on me, but I can't do it myself. I can't jump off a cliff. I'd need someone to push me off instead.
I'm too afraid and somehow dealing with pain is easier if you didn't cause it yourself. It feels better to have someone to blame for the pain. I guess maybe that's how I feel.
One thing I know is that even though I can't cause myself pain, this lack of reaction to my heartbreak is killing me inside. I'm glad for this depression to sink because at least now I have something to feel, but I wanna just go ahead and get all this pain over with. The quicker I face it, the quicker I'll get over it.
Simple as that.
Yet, it's not just that simple. There's the whole matter of actually having to get over. Plus, dealing with being alone. Dealing with him not wanting… No. I don't want to think about it.
I want a lock. A lock to close the door to my past with. A lock to hide away everything that I've run from. I'd locked it so I'd never have to look at it again. I could be free again. Unless I wanted to revisit my past. Unless it was my choice.
I don't regret what happened, and I'm glad I was smarter this time. But… there are always going to be things I regret that I did do and I'll regret things that I didn't do. It's just what happens… we can't all live this life perfectly and do everything right I suppose.
That's why we must live each day to the best of our abilities, which is something that I'm not doing now. I have no want… no zeal or desire. It's not there anymore.
But it will be again. Someday.
And then I'll go back to the life I had. Without him.
Till I can come back again.