Okay, I might have kinda accidentally-on-purpose (but not really) have taken over the world. I felt a little bit bad -you know being an evil overlord and all- that I wrote down my life story. I then proceeded to give it to my Mom to read. That so wasn't helpful. At all.
It happened like this:
Mom: (Holding my memoirs -which took me years to write-but does she care. NO.) Ummm...this is a tad inaccurate.
Me: What do you mean?
Mom: Well, it's mostly a bunch of lies.
Me: Lies! I do not lie!
Mom: It says you took over the world.
Me: If it's in there, it's true.
Mom: You are not the supreme ruler of the earth- you can't even hold down a job at a fast food restaurant.
Me: That fryer exploded by itself. By itself I tell you. You must not remember correctly.
Mom: Whatever you say sweetie. (Looks at me like I'm crazy.)
Me: I am not delusional.
Mom: (Clearly not paying attention anymore.) Uh-ha.
Me: I remember death rays and a huge army of robot spiders. (Awkward silence) You're not even listening anymore, are you?
Mom: Spider rays, death robots. Got it, sweetie.
Me: That's it - as ultimate ruler of the earth I command you - spider robots attack!! Bwahhha, I will banish you to the crevices of the mole people. (A longer, slightly more awkward pause in which I eagerly await my precious killing machines. Alas, they do not come.)
Me: I'm going to bed.
Mom: Good night dear.
Don't worry, I will seek my revenge. Revenge, I tell you. Ha ha ha ha ...ha...ha...