Foreword by Takarran Rakana

Tortzikeh (also spelled Tortzkeh, Tortzkuh, Torzka and in the Gleb Republic, Tortz'k) is, as most people would agree, a city. Of course, nobody refers to it as such, because you don't really define a place like Tortzikeh. It simply exists, to many scholars' befuddlement. Everyone has heard of it, although they couldn't say for sure when or where or what they heard about it. Everyone seems to simply know things about Tortzikeh, which is all the more amazing, considering nobody really talks about it.

There are many things Tortzikeh is known for, several it is infamous for and even a few it is legendary for. But mostly, Tortzikeh is fabled for things.

Doubtlessly, pretty much anyone you know has heard of the Seven Civil Wars of Tortzikeh, three of which happened at the same time, albeit for different reasons, between different factions and in different regions of the city. To this day, it is unclear what Tortzikeh's administration really is, or even if it has one. Presumably, it has a mayor, although nobody could say for sure. Presumably, there are also authorities, though nobody has ever seen them and it is unclear what their responsibilities could possibly be.

The Four Walls of Tortzikeh are also a well-known element of the city. Spreading like uneven concentric circles from the city centre, it is well known that the architect omitted gates, so different sections of the city communicate through long, narrow, dank tunnels.

And of course, we mustn't forget that Tortzikeh is the home of the world's most beautiful woman. Immortal and eternally young, she is the highest paid courtesan in history, yet nobody seems to be sure of her name. Of course, with a title like "the world's most beautiful woman", any name she'd have would never live up to the hype.

Undoubtably, Tortzikeh has it all: a rich history, impressive monuments and a booming sex industry. It is the place everyone plans to visit at least once in their lifetime, but never get around to it because, let's face it, Tortzikeh is far enough from everywhere and anywhere that it is just out of tourists' reach, but close enough to civilisation that everyone knows about it.

In the unlikely event you are planning on visiting Tortzikeh, I hope you will find this account of my experiences there useful.