My duty? My duty!? It is not my "duty" to sleep with him! He had the balls to tell me that it was my "duty" to go in the back of his car and have sex with him. N- n- n- no. It's his duty to respect me! I respect his boundaries, as he should respect mine. But last night, it went too far.
We have been dating for just over a year, which is pretty impressive for senior high school. Jesse has cycled through different groups of friends while we've dated, but this most recent one has made me seriously doubt our relationship. It wasn't until he started hanging out with them that he started pushing the sex subject. When we first started dating, we discussed both of our views. Jess said that he'd respect my choice on what we did and didn't do. Well, I'm okay with sex before marriage and what not, for other people, but not me. I don't want to make a decision I'm going to regret. And he did respect that, or so I thought.
I know there are plenty of sexually active high schoolers, but I don't want to be one of them. So I called up Jess and told him that we needed to talk. He said he'd be over around 5:15. He knew I was pissed. When he got to my house, I went to his car and sat in the passenger seat. We drove to the park and began to walk around.
Me: Jess, what's gotten in to you? You used to have so much respect for me. But ever
since you started hanging out with Matt, all you've done is push the physical part
of our relationship.
Jess: I know, I'm sorry babe. It's just…
Me: It's just what. You know my boundaries. We've been together over a year. Or is
that the problem? You want some new chick that'll do what ever you want.
Jess: I… Steph, you know I love you.
Me: And… What the hell does that relate to?
Jess: But I… I'm not sure we should... (He looks away.)
Me: So we're breaking up? After last night, YOU'RE breaking up with ME? That's a
funny joke. What the hell is wrong with you, Jesse? What did I do wrong?
Jess: It's not you, it's me? (He said, hoping that it would satisfy me, it did the
Me: You know what, if this past year and a half is shot because I won't have sex with
you, I… I'm not sure. Maybe I should… Jess, you know I love you. And I'd do
anything to make you happy. Would sex really make you happy…..
Jess: That's not what I want Steph!
Me: When you figure out what you do what, please call me. I can't handle hanging on
the edge like this and you know it. Just, promise me you'll call me tomorrow?
Jess: I promise, love.
I kissed him on the cheek and began my walk home.
About half way out of the park, he ran up to me. (This is surprising for two reasons. 1. He could have driven. 2. This boy NEVER runs.) He grabbed me and held me in such a tight hug, I thought he was going to squish me.
Jess: Don't walk babe, that's why I have my car.
I should have known things would go wrong. I should have seen that gleam in his eye. But no, I was too caught up by the fact he pushed his friends aside and honoured my limits. During the ride home I was in somewhat of a daze, and didn't notice that he pulled into the neighborhood just before mine. When I looked around, I saw houses that were completely unfamiliar.
Me: Sweetie, where are we goin'?
Jess: Just a place that I've been meaning to show you for a while.
I thought he was being romantic. He pulled up to this park that I've never seen before. It's slightly wooded, and somewhat of a field. Jess walked around the car and opened my door for me. We held hands and walked into the woods. It was basically a perfect night. The sun was just setting and the sky was illuminated with colours, the temperature was just warm enough that you didn't need a coat, but there still weren't any bugs out.
The woods thickened as we walked further, and I was waiting for him to tell me when we reached our destination. There was a small clearing and that's where we finally stopped. Jess turned to me and said, "Please forgive me Stephanie."
And that's when it began. I started crying as he tore off my shirt. I didn't know how to take it. Tears were rolling down my cheeks as his expressionless face continued the process. It's as though he had done this before. This, being raped someone who thought he loved them. I tried to fight him off, but he knew he was stronger than me, and he toyed with it. My eyes were closed tight, and my body entirely tensed up. I just wanted this all to be over.
Once he was finished, he looked at me and smirked. He then said, Steph, I do love you. How. Dare. He.
Me: No, Jess, you don't. Love is respect. Love is understanding. Love is... not
Jess: Please Steph…
But it was too late. I was done, as well as lost. That bastard! He knew I couldn't find my way to the police, let alone my house! Frantically I searched for a way out. Jess knew I was trapped. He'd had this planned, I wonder how long. I suddenly felt his arms restraining me. Keeping me from going anywhere I desired. I was his now. His property. There was nothing I could do but give in. My body sank to the ground, with his arms that used to be a comfort, now holding me back from my free will. He held me close, and whispered promises that everything would be alright. That he loved me… We sat there for at least an hour. And I'd have to say… I believe him.
I love him. He did it because he loves me. He never meant to hurt me. I'm safe. He'll keep me safe. He promised. Jess never lies to me. Jess loves me. Jess loves me… Right?