Have you ever had a secret?
One you would never dare tell another living soul?
Even though the very thought of holding your tongue makes you want to scream in agony?
Yet the ultimate feeling of fear keeps you from uttering a single word or sound?
Your entire life, that one secret kept in the shadows.
Why did I have to fall in love?
Since the first day of high school I've felt this way.
That one single day he walked into my world and I walked into his.
His eyes were the first thing to capture my attention.
I was spellbound and I liked that I was.
Like any person in love, you hope it's fate or destiny or some romantic coincidence that will only end with a happily ever after while you walk off into some sun set holding hands.
Maybe a little cheesy, but if I had to bite into some poison apple and be kissed awake by him to make him my own, I would.
Unfortunately for me, nothing helped make the situation feel like a fairy tale come true.
We were placed in separate classes.
We had different friends.
We never took the same clubs.
And besides my shy personality to openly confess to him…I was a boy.
How do you honestly reveal feelings of homosexuality for a schoolmate of yours you barely know, making some speech about fate bringing you both together. Especially in high school where so many teens are listening and waiting patiently for some sort of gossip and poor soul to torture and tease for some wrong move they make. You could say I was terrified about what everyone would think of me and mostly what he would think. It hurts less to have the biggest crush in your life never know than have him turn you down brutally.
But in the end, your heart still hurts.
And all you do is lie awake at night wondering about the possibility he may say yes.
That you may be letting your chance slip away.
And your eyes can't help but follow him every time he's near.
Hoping he gives you a hint that he likes you by looking in your direction.
Yet as you wait and wait for that moment you slowly fall in love with him more and more.
Then your heart only hurts more…and more.
Luckily for me he was friends with a friend of a friend of mine.
I finally got my chance to get closer to him.
We all went out to the mall to grab something to eat.
Lady luck must have been sitting on my shoulder that day because he sat next to me.
I could have easily brushed his hand by accident.
But stupid me, I folded my hands together on my lap.
When he finally said something to me, all I did was nod and look away.
He never spoke to me again.
It was already our final year of high school.
Graduation was coming and I barely saw him around school.
I tried to forget looking for him.
Get a head start on him never being in my life again.
After all, we'd be going separate ways soon.
He was accepted into another school.
Perhaps destiny was there after all.
We were never meant for one another.
Destiny was guiding him away.
But carrying such a heavy secret for years is hard to accept as meaningless in mere moments.
I forced my mouth shut for so long I had no energy left.
Watching him accept his diploma.
Seeing him laugh with his family and friends.
My mind began racing, afraid this very day was my last chance to let him know.
I didn't want to look back years from now and ask myself 'what if?'.
If he said no then at least I would never have to face him again.
The crowd thinned out and the sky washed into a golden orange.
I walked past the school gates finally heading home.
I looked over and he was standing right there.
His eyes caught mine and I lost my breath for a minute.
He just kept starting at me and I just stared back.
He licked his lips and looked away.
The silence made me realize that we were alone.
There was no one else around, only me and him.
My mind began racing again.
If I didn't let him know now, I'd never get another chance like this.
Forget that. I may never see him again, period.
I meekly tried to speak, but all I could muster out was an odd sound.
That little noise brought his attention back to me though.
I knew my voice was hopeless.
I never spoke a single word to him throughout high school.
How could I possibly verbalize my feelings to him on a whim.
I swallowed hard as he kept looking at me.
It was now or never.
I stepped closer to him and as quickly as I could…
My lips gently brushed his cheek.
I was so shaken from disbelief.
I couldn't bear to look at him.
So I turned and ran.
I didn't want to look back.
If he wasn't running after me, it would hurt.
I only stopped when I was inside my room.
It's been 7 years and I still remember that day perfectly.
I never forgot him, nor did I ever see him again.
It was a mere coincidence us bumping into one another on the street.
I knew it was him right away.
His eyes were still as spellbinding as they were those many years ago.
Running into him wasn't what surprised me though.
The fact he remembered me made my heart pound.
And now here I am.
Talking to my high school crush.
He's still everything he was back then.
Yet he's even more attractive.
I just can't understand why he's talking to me.
Unless he forgot…
Silence fell between us as I sipped my coffee.
"I'm glad I ran into you."
I looked up at him. That was odd.
"Why? I mean we never spoke in high school. We weren't even friends."
He licked his lips.
"I know. I actually thought you hated me."
I set down my cup and looked harder at him.
"What? I never hated you."
He looked at me, but I looked away and dropped my voice.
"I kind of made that clear after our graduation. Unless you forgot."
I looked back to see a soft smile on his lips.
"That's why I'm glad I ran into you. Because I never forgot."
I swallowed hard.
"I don't really understand. You never talked to me."
He looked at me quizzically.
"You never spoke to me either. But you kissed me."
I dropped my gaze.
"I was shy. Wait. How could you think I hated you?"
I now looked at him curiously. He began blushing.
"I tried to make you notice me. I even sat next to you and tried talking to you that one day at the mall. But you didn't seem interested."
I looked at him in disbelief.
He looked away and his face grew red.
"Had a crush on you."
All that time agonizing about my secret crush on another boy.
He was agonizing over his secret crush on me.
I just stared at him.
"Before you run away forever again…"
He pulled my hand away from the coffee mug and held it gently in his own.
I looked into his eyes.
He leaned forward and I followed.
His other hand caressed my cheek.
I closed my eyes as the soft wisp of his breath tickled my lips.
I could feel him savouring the moment just as much as I was trying to do.
His luscious lips touched my own.
They seemed to just melt like chocolate together.
This was turning into my fairytale ending.
Except it felt as though I were falling asleep to the dream of his kiss rather than waking to it.
And…It was perfect.