Note: Don't feel like you have to read this in order. Personally, I think the more recent chapters are alittle more interesting. So you could go to one of those, then skip around, or do whatever you want. And please, if you like it or have something to say about it or hate it passionately, please please write a review! Because you know, we all need to feel like someone cares. :)

June 18, 2008

It's summer! After a year in the hellish halls of high school. Actually, technically summer began at 9:30 this morning, when the last of the finals ended and everyone was almost trampled in the mad rush to the door. I saw seniors hugging and crying, the slutty junior girls screaming, "We're seniors! Oh my god!", and everyone else not giving a shit. So then I left and went to sleep till about 1:00. I've been exhausted literally for the entire year, and I figure it's never too early to start catching up.

At this point I would have been frantically texting to find someone to hang out with for the afternoon so I don't feel like a loser. Like, if someone asks, "So what did you do yesterday?", and you say, "Oh, I studied/watched TV/hung out with the parents/nothing," you immediately get lower in the subconscious cool ranking inside their head. But with every system, there are ways to cheat it. If for some reason, every single one of your friends is busy, grounded, or sick, (trust me it can happen) there is no way you can actually say that, because that immediately makes people think, "Oh, I guess you don't have enough friends." But, if you make up/actually have a crazy story, like "I was sick and dizzy and delirious and decided to get out of the house and then ended up wandering through the woods as the sun was going down and then I couldn't find my way out and I heard something big moving..." (happened to me last week, no kidding), then they think you're interesting, which is the best quality to have at 15. Not kind, compassionate, respectful, or any of the bullshit "character traits" they taught us in first grade. No, it's all about being interesting enough to always have a story, and to mostly be able to keep the focus on yourself.

Yeah, it's alittle sad. I don't know how many people are aware of the fact that they are actually following The System. But I've always been aware of exactly why I do what I do. Sometimes the reasons surprise me, and sometimes they disappoint me and I realize that I'm really not a good person and don't have the strong morals or ideals that I kind of wish I did.

So anyway, the reason I couldn't hang out with anyone? Fucking work. I guess it's not too bad, relatively. I lifeguard at an "active older adult community," which basically means I sit and read magazines and occasionally look up to make sure nobody's drowning. The people are nice though, and always say hi, and bring us magazines. Sometimes they bring their cute grandkids, but most of the time I just get an eyeful of sag, chest and back hair, man-boobs, and cellulite. But luckily yesterday only two people came, and then left, which means I get to swim/float for awhile, and then blast techno on my ipod. It could definitely be worse. I could be working at McDonalds, I guess. This kid in my homeroom does, and Mr.D keeps saying he'll visit him. Mr.D looks like a shark/dinosaur/pedophile (sharkasourophile. Haha.) He's nice I guess, but he tries to hard. That's trait number two in the list of what you need to survive high school: You need to be interesting, and it needs to be natural and effortless, not forced.

After work, being forced to eat dinner, and begging my mom to drive me, I got over to Damien's house. (Not his real name but he told my other friend Kate (also not her name) she could call him that in a "book" she's writing that she's guaranteed to give up on.) Anyway, Damien's been my boyfriend for about 6 months, and is the reason I'm alive, clean, and kind of sane (I'll explain some other time). He's about half an inch taller than me, medium-length light brown hair (exact same color as mine actually), nice body, band t-shirts and Krew pants, skateboards, can go from being an asshole to unbelievably sweet. And I think I love him, and when he kisses me or touches me it's amazing. So tonight we hooked up and cuddled for awhile, pretending to be watching tv. (His parents are chill and don't really mind. Mine, on the other hand, come in like every 30 seconds when he's over here. It's annoying as hell, especially because the rest of the time they don't even bother to pretend to care about me (more on that some other time).) So after awhile of that, we went over to Kate's house, who had a buttload of people over including a lot of my friends that I hadn't seen in ages. It was pretty fun, but Damien wasn't feeling great anyway and when he went to sit by Melody (by now you should start assuming that these aren't their real names) she was like, "go away." Which she doesn't mean, she's just like that (I've been friends with her since 2nd grade, I would know), but she and Damien hooked up in 7th grade before I knew him and he's kinda hated her since then and just got over it awhile ago, so he felt like shit after she said that and just sat and didn't talk.

The thing about Damien is, he's too quick to hate people and too quick to assume that he's hated. Which is why I had to follow him back to his house and comfort him and cry alittle so he would stop being stuck in his own head (it works. It usually does. Because he cares about me alot, so his first thought when I get upset is to forget whatever was bothering him and try to make me feel better, which in turn makes him feel better. It seems kind of selfish and fake now that I think about it, but for once I'm doing it for the right reason. I hope.) So after being at my very nicest for awhile, he was back to "you are so cute/sweet/I love you/what would I do without you." I guess it kind of sucked that I had to leave my other friends, but I kind of owe it to him for what I've put him through. He puts up with my crazy bullshit, I put up with his. It works.

x3,

Raye (kind of but not really my real name)