July 16, 2008

Spent most of the day with Damien. It was nice. His whole family was at the beach for the whole day too, so we totally could have gotten away with a lot (meaning sex), but he didn't know when they were getting back so we didn't. It's so annoying, he always says he wants to, but then when we actually get the chance to he makes up some kind of excuse. And then we end up doing stuff anyway, I make him come all over the place and he's done and I'm left unsatisfied most of the time (well, not all of the time...). Then when parents come back 5 hours later he says dammit we could've done it. And says next time.

This time he promised though. He swears next time when we know exactly when they're getting back. Somehow I think it'll be awhile until he's "sure."

But anyway, it was fun. We fooled around, then went outside to look like we'd been waiting there for them to come home. I got a slurpee and apple pop-tarts at 7-11 (Damien got Monster, which I can't stand, and one of those huge disgusting sugar-coated cinnamon rolls that they sell and I've never seen anyone else buy.) We went back to his house and watched South Park and Mindless Self Indulgence (my favorite band for at least a year) live performance videos (they own live, I saw them at Bamboozle). Then I had to go home to put my mom in a good mood so I could ask her to take us (meaning me Damien and possibly Gina) to see Kill Hannah, Innerpartysystem, The Medic Droid, and The White Tie Affair (all of which I've loved for ages, especially Kill Hannah), on August 13th. And she said probably. I think I should've gotten a full-out yes, after I was amazingly sweet to her and actually made dinner without burning anything (veggie stir-fry bitches). I even sat through So You Think You Can Dance and made catty comments about everybody with her. You can't be a better daughter than that.

But then, it all changed. You see, I got a text from Damien saying, "I'm going to Kelly's on Sunday is that ok?" I've really been trying not to hate Kelly. Seriously. But whenever anyone mentions her name, all the old feelings of jealousy and betrayal and total worthlessness come back. So I said, "I guess I can't stop you." But then, and this was really stupid on my part, I im-ed Kelly, "I swear to fucking god if you even think about doing anything to my boyfriend I will do whatever it takes to hurt you." Which of course the little whiny bitch told Damien. And he got really really mad at me, and it escalated into a huge fight, and then I took a bubble bath and thought about it for awhile. And this is the oh-so-brilliant idea the bubbles gave me:

(Taken from the actual AIM conversation, condensed with pointless stuff taken out and spelling corrected.)

Me: Ok you're probably going to get really pissed over this, but, what do you think about taking a break? For like, a day or two. Probably just a day. Just to keep our sanity.

Damien: No, I hate that word and you want to break up, it's just an excuse.

Me: I just need one day. We fight too much. We just need to like, not fight for a bit.

Damien: I suck as a boyfriend. I'm a freak, a poseur, a fag, I hate my life.

Me: Stop saying that you know it's not true. I love you more than anyone ever could, you saved my life a few times, I'm not going to forget that. You're sweet, you're empathetic, you're talented, you're not afraid of anything, you're interesting, you're yourself and I love it. And it kills me when you call yourself things that you're not, when you label yourself because you are so much more than that.

Damien: So why a break if you feel that way?

Me: Well when you put it that way I guess not. No break. I'm sorry.

Damien: I'm a fuck up I don't blame you.

Me: Stop saying that. When you insult yourself like that it feels like it's me. It hurts.

Damien: A break hurts me.

Me: You're right. Goddammit why'd I bring that up? It's just like, we've been fighting literally every night. And it's totally worth it for when we're not fighting. But I kinda need a day off, you know? Like, just promise me we won't fight tomorrow.

Damien: I'll do my best. Just answer me honestly. Do you want to break up with me?

Me: No. I love you too much and you're the best boyfriend anygirl could ask for and I don't even know why I'm considering giving that up. I'm just an idiot. I'm sorry.

Damien: Shit. No no no no.

Me: What?

Damien: My pop pop was just rushed to the hospital. Again. He's dying I know it.

Me: But they can fix it right?

Damien: I really don't know. It's ok.

Me: No it's not it's terrible. On top of all the shit I've put you through today. You don't deserve it.

Damien: It's ok.

Me: I wish everything always went perfectly for you. I would happily have my life be hell if it meant yours could be happy and easy. I'm crying now over someone I've never met. It's just like, I've never had anyone I know be dying. Except my uncle but that was quick (plane crash), and I didn't really like him that much. And I feel terrible about that. Like, I just don't know how to deal with it.

Damien: Don't wish that. And don't cry. After my grandma died nothing mattered. If someone dies now it won't mean as much.

Me: I think it still will. But if it doesn't that's still ok. I think.

Damien: Yeah. Please don't cry.

Me: I'm trying not to. Ok I'm done. I'm sorry. I love you so much.

Damien: It's fine. I love you too.

Me: I can't stand for anything bad to happen to you.

Damien: Shit happens.

After that everything was alright. And I told Kelly that I was sorry and it was just random emotions coming back, and I think she understood. And then Damien called me at midnight to tell me that he had gotten a pop-up and "did you know there are like, nude photos of Miley Cyrus? Her e-mail was hacked." "Um yeah that was months ago. And you seriously woke me up to tell me this. Now stop jacking off to Miley Cyrus and get some sleep, ok?" "I wasn't!" "Sure you weren't. Go to sleep. I love you. Goodnight." "Love you too sweetheart."

x3,

Raye