Knowing You Know Me
Summary: When your male best friend can predict when you're on your period better than you can, you know there's something wrong. And just when I thought things couldn't get any worse…
Disclaimer: I do not own Ben & Jerry's, 27 Dresses and the actors in it, 10 Things I Hate About You and Heath Ledger, or humorous challenges that inspire strange responses. XD
Challenge: Period Pieces
Plot: Oh no! Our MC is on a date with Hottie McHott-Hott (aka, Guy of her Dreams). That's the good news. The bad news? It's her time of the month - and she's wearing white.
1) Main character must have an insensitive male friend/relative, who notices her moodiness and asks something along the lines of, "Is it your time of the month?"
2) Said guy of her dreams is not the one she exits the (restaurant, theater, etc.) with.
3) Best friend who comes to the rescue with a jacket or extra pants, etc. Best friend can be male or female. *wink wink*
4) Female nearby (waitress, fellow moviegoer, whatever) who flirts shamelessly with main character's date.
5) This line or something like it: "Do you know more people die from coconuts than from being eaten by sharks?"
- actual usage of the phrase "time of the month" by anybody. (I know, I've used it in the challenge details, but who cares. XD)
- profanity used by any guy. The main character and all her female friends can use as much profanity as they want. XD But not too much, please. (:
- excessive ranting by main character. Sorry.
"My, don't you look hot, Lina."
I shot my best friend a glare as I pulled the last curl into place. "What are you doing here?"
"Visiting my favorite best friend, of course."
"I'm your only best friend because I'm the only one willing to put up with you. Get the hell out."
The grin just showed me why I should have a gotten a new best friend way back in seventh grade when that was still allowed. After twenty years of being best friends with someone though, it's generally a little difficult to just drop them. "Awww, is someone being visited by Auntie George?"
I glared at him through the mirror as I finished sweeping eye shadow on. "No."
"You sure?" he teased. "You seem awfully touchy today."
"I know this is a concept you can't exactly relate to, but I'm pretty sure I would know if I had blood seeping out of my vagina," I said wryly. Gross, I know. But I needed him to leave me alone. "Don't you have your own home?"
"No one's there. It's empty and lonely."
"Well, there's soon to be no one here either. Out."
"I wouldn't wear white if I were you," he continued, ignoring my massive hint by dropping a massive hint of his own. "You're probably going to start soon. You know you're always a complete and total bitch right before you start, and you'll just embarrass yourself."
"Jacob, get out!" I yelled, turning around and chucking a brush at him. I missed him by a mile, but he finally got the hint.
"I'll be in the living room. Call me if you need someone to yell at." Okay, partially got the hint. But at least he wasn't hovering anymore.
I sighed, leaning up against my bathroom wall as I considered my outfit. Everything had to be perfect, down to the curls on my head. The right outfit, the right shoes, the right earrings. Why you ask?
Because I had a date with Derrick Beckham.
Not to be confused with David Beckham, although they are both equally attractive. No. If David Beckham was a soccer god, then Derrick was god of… something. Something high and important that required attractiveness. The god of attractive business men, perhaps.
Derrick had been a coworker of mine since I started working at my new job the year before. And I had developed a massive crush on him from the moment he peeked into my office from the office next to mine. Of course, with a face like that, I was probably one of many. But Derrick also had the advantage of having a sense of humor and being incredibly sweet and intelligent. Half of the women that worked with us were falling all over themselves to get Derrick's attention.
But none of them mattered at the moment. Because I – that's right, little ole Melina Lewis – had a date with Derrick.
God, sometimes I love my life.
I heard a knock on the door and let out a little shriek. "Jacob Thurman, do NOT answer the door!"
"Why not?" he called back, sounding like he was moving away from me.
"Because I said so!" I yelled after him.
Two seconds later, I heard him cheerfully say, "Hello, I'm Jacob. You must be Derrick." I groaned, slapping myself in the forehead once before heading out of the bathroom and into the hall where Jake would be questioning Derrick. In the best, purely platonic, best friend looking out for best friend kind of way, of course.
Torturing the poor guy, more like.
As soon as Derrick caught sight of me, he grinned widely. Of course, that might have had something to do with the fact that Jake stopped nagging him as soon as I walked into the room, but I assumed it was because of my stunning presence. I mean, I must admit that I did look rather attractive. My curly hair decided not to frizz for once, my white capris were comfortable, and my blue shirt matched my eyes (according to my step sister, that is). Classy, but not flashy. "Hi, Mel," he said cheerfully, kissing my cheek as soon as I was within kissing distance.
Everyone but family (and Jake) calls me Mel. Family members (and Jake) call me Lina. No one ever calls me Melina unless I'm in some deep shit because Melina just doesn't really fit me. Naturally, since Derrick was neither family nor Jacob, he called me Mel.
"Hi," I replied cheerfully. Don't blush, don't blush, don't blush. Judging from Jacob's smirk, my internal reminders weren't working. I glared at him. "I'm going to assume you're going to be staying here for a little while for some reason instead of going to your home."
"Good assumption," Jacob said cheerfully. "You have cable. I have satellite. I thought it was obvious."
"Why am I friends with you, really?" I rolled my eyes before turning to Derrick. "Ready?"
"Whenever you are," he said, holding out his arm gallantly. See, isn't he cute?
"Have fun, kids," Jake said cheerfully as we headed out the door.
I glared back at him. "Be gone by the time I get home, and lock the door behind you."
"Aye aye, me cap'n," Jake said, saluting me right before I closed the door behind me.
"Sorry," I said as soon as we started down the hall. "He's such a dork."
"Brothers usually are," he said, grinning.
I stopped, surprised. "Brothers? Oh. Jake's not my brother. He's just been my best friend for ages, so he might as well be my brother."
Derrick looked just as surprised as I did. "Really? I thought your half-brother was named Jacob."
"Oh," I said, not being able to keep from laughing slightly. "No. My half brother's name is Jack Thorn, my best friend's name is Jacob Thurman. It gets confusing. Mom used to yell the wrong name all the time, so I can't blame you for getting them confused if you've never met either one of them."
"Oh, okay." And he dropped it. Just like that. Most men would have been a little bewildered by the fact that they had just been interviewed by their date's best male friend, but Derrick didn't even flinch. Totally my dream guy, right here. My phone beeped as we got into Derrick's car. Derrick glanced at me, looking slightly amused. "A last minute reminder?" he asked jokingly.
"It's probably from my sister," I said, laughing slightly. Until I pulled out my phone and realized it was from Jake. Of course it was from Jake. Why would I think any differently?
Did you bring something? Cause I'm not covering for you if you start bleeding everywhere.
See what a lovely relationship we have? We have true friendship, the kind that requires that he know all of my little quirks and I know all of his. Even when it comes down to periods or… well, whatever the male version of periods would be. Jake also has the rather annoying habit of texting me when he knows I'm on a date. I'm not sure whether the intent is to keep me entertained or to keep me distracted (I know I text him when he's on dates with girls I don't like just to piss him off), but he's done it for every date I've been on since texting was invented. Many, many years.
I didn't hesitate to send him back a quick, Go to hell Jake. He replied with a smiley face, making me snort slightly before turning off my phone.
"I'm almost afraid to ask," Derrick said, looking slightly amused.
"He's just being himself," I said easily, waving it away. "I turned it off, so he won't bother us anymore."
"That's good," Derrick said with a nod. "You said you liked seafood, right?" And from there, the conversation flowed easily and without interruption until we got to the restaurant on the pier. I couldn't resist the urge to glance at my phone as we were getting out of the car before realizing my phone was off. Of course he wouldn't have texted me again. Silly Lina.
We were seated relatively quickly despite the fact that it was a Friday night. Our waitress came up immediately, a bright smile on her face. "Hello, my name's Katie, and I will be— Derrick!"
Derrick grinned broadly at the blonde in front of us. "Hey, Katie. I didn't know you were working here."
"Oh, it pays a little bit for graduate school," she said easily, waving it away while smiling brightly at him. "So how have you been? Are you still at that company? Omigah, Derrick!" She leaned over, kissing his cheek. "We really need to get together sometime. Catch up on old times, yeah?"
I caught the implication, but I'm not exactly sure Derrick did. Poor guy. He just grinned all the while. "Oh, yeah. Definitely."
Her smile turned slightly flirtatious. "So do you still drink water at dinner, or have your tastes turned a little… wilder?"
I was finding it hard to believe that he could be so oblivious. What kind of guy missed a hint like that, complete with thrusting of the chest? But he still just nodded. "Water would be great. Thanks, Katie. What do you want, Mel?"
If looks could kill, I would have died then and there. Our waitress glared me down so fiercely that I almost 'eep'ed in fear. The scariest part was probably the way the glare slid off her face in about two seconds, only to be replaced with a blindingly sunny smile. "Yes. What can I get you to drink?"
"Er… Coke, please."
She nodded, giving Derrick another suggestive smile. "I'll be right back with your drinks."
"Lemme guess," I said a little wryly as soon as she was out of ear shot. "An exgirlfriend, probably not so recently." Probably the girl you lost your virginity to, I wanted to add, but that's really not first date material. Especially with a coworker.
He smiled a little hesitantly, opening his menu. "That obvious, huh? You're always really good at reading people, Mel." Aww, what a flatterer. He really was just too cute sometimes.
I smiled slightly with a shrug, opening the menu and beginning to scan it myself. "Do you know if the shark here is any good?" I asked, just for a change of subject.
"Did you know more die from coconuts that—"
"From being eaten by sharks," our waitress finished with a smile, placing our drinks on the table. She and Derrick shared an inside smile that, as his date, I really did not appreciate. "I can always expect you to have fun facts, Derrick, but I never thought you would have to start reusing them."
Whoa, low blow. Derrick didn't seem to catch it (again!), but I shot the filthy hussy a glare. "It just seemed appropriate," he said, smiling that little charming smile. Wait a second… I felt my eyes widen as something finally clicked in my head. I was torn between wanting to hit him upside the head and pitying him.
"Are you ready to order?" Katie asked, leaning over a little too far to be considered proper.
"Are you ready, Mel?" Derrick asked me. I quickly ordered something with shrimp (with shrimp, it's almost impossible to go wrong as long as it's cooked), and Derrick placed his order.
As soon as Katie walked off (swaying hips and all), I shot Derrick a look. "You."
He blinked at me, surprised. "What? Do I have something on my face?"
How he could have something on his face when he wasn't anything and was drinking water didn't make sense to me, but that was something to examine at a later time. "You're still in love with her, aren't you?"
He blushed furiously, attempting to shush me. The blush told me all I needed to know, and I shot him another look that made him cave almost immediately. "A little. I thought I was over it until I saw her. You know how it is." I actually didn't at all, but the guy looked so pathetically sincere that I couldn't help letting the pity win. "And I really didn't mean to lead you on or anything like that, but—"
"Say no more," I said easily, cutting him off. Really, I wasn't nearly as offended as you would have thought I would be. I mean, I was probably going to go home and curl up in a ball with my buddies Ben and Jerry (and probably Jake by association), but I wasn't crushed. And not nearly as pissed as I had been five minutes before (pre adorably hopeful puppy look from Derrick).
He was still blushing furiously. "I am sorry, though. It wasn't… intentional."
"I know." There was an awkward silence for a few seconds before I sighed, rolling my eyes at our ridiculousness. Were we full grown adults or not? "Any more interesting random facts?"
Shockingly enough, dinner wasn't that bad. Sure, Katie glared at me every five seconds, but once Derrick and I got over our initial awkwardness over the fact we were having a date that… wasn't exactly a date anymore, it was actually enjoyable. The food was good, the conversation was amusing, and I learned a bunch of random facts I would never need again.
Eventually, of course, the conversation shifted to what Derrick should do about his… situation.
"Do you think she has a boyfriend?" he asked me in a whisper.
"Is she a slut?" I asked bluntly.
He blinked. "No."
"Then no, she doesn't have a boyfriend."
He blinked again, obviously bewildered. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"She's been flirting with you all night long," I said a little wryly. "Blatant, please look at my boobs, fuck me now, flirting." Derrick flushed, opening his mouth, but I kept talking. "She's obviously at least into you. I'm not going to pretend to know if she loves you or not though." I saw Katie walking towards our table and made a sudden command decision. "Here. I'm going to the bathroom, so you should talk to her. Really."
"What do I say?" he asked a little nervously.
I shrugged. "You're a good conversationalist. You'll come up with something." With that, I stood up and headed to the bathroom without another hesitation. I didn't really know how long they were going to have their little chat, and I did have to pee, so I went into the stall.
And immediately realized five seconds later that God was clearly a man and he hated me.
I yanked out my phone with no hesitation, turning it on and dialing in the number even as I felt tears well up in my eyes. This night was supposed to be perfect, and it just kept getting worse. "'Lo?" Jake asked lazily.
"Where are you?" I demanded.
"On my way home. Why?"
"I need you to come pick me up," I said, sniffling. The tears were getting harder and harder to hold back.
"Why?" he asked, his voice hardening. "If he did something, I swear—"
"No, it's not… Well, it isn't really his fault." I suddenly burst into tears. I just couldn't hold it back anymore. I mean, seriously. Unexpected period here. "He's just really in love with her, and it's not his fault she's a total slut that wants him. I mean, who doesn't want him? And it was supposed to be perfect and romantic but it's not because he just reused lines and tried to make conversation and the whole time I was fucking bleeding and you were right and I hate it when you're right and now I'm stuck in the bathroom forever and I don't know what—"
"Lina," Jake cut in soothingly, immediately shutting me up. "You're not making any sense. Now tell me where you are."
"The restaurant down by the pier," I said in between sniffles.
"Oh, good," he said easily. "I'll be there in about ten minutes. Now explain to me what's wrong and how I can fix it so I don't kill him as soon as I rescue you."
"I started," I said simply. "And I'm wearing white. You do the math."
"Lina," he groaned, but I could tell that wasn't going to stop him from rescuing me. "I'll bring you a sweatshirt, I guess. What else?"
I sniffled slightly. "You know that little blue box I put in your glove box a long time ago and wouldn't tell you what was in it?"
"Yeah?" he said a little warily.
"You might what to grab that too."
"You put tampons in my car?!" Stunning how intelligent he can be sometimes. When I didn't immediately make a joke, he went serious again. "Alright. What else went wrong?"
So I explained the situation as I leaned again the counter in the bathroom, waiting for him to get there. He wasn't too thrilled, but I think the sniffles I let out every few seconds where what really convinced him. I was leaning against the counter, so every woman that came in gave me a look of confusion and then one of sympathy as soon as she noticed the stain on my pants (how could you not?). He hung up as soon as he pulled into the parking lot, and I only had to wait another few minutes before the bathroom door opened and someone called my name.
I ran over to the door, diving out to hug him. He let out a slight 'oof', but he hugged me back regardless. "Next time I warn you, I won't feel guilty for not saving you," he informed me tightly.
"Okay," I agreed, sniffling a little for good measure. Not that I'd been faking, but a little sniffle never hurt anyone.
"Here," he said, handing me a jacket and a familiar blue box. "Hurry up so we can get out of here."
"Jake?" I asked hesitantly. He raised a questioning eyebrow at me, making me bite my lip. "Um… Could you go tell Derrick I felt sick so you came to pick me up and I'll see him on Monday?"
His eyes flashed briefly, but he just sighed and nodded. "Clearly, I love you too much. Where can I find him?" I pointed in a vague direction, but Jake just nodded. "Meet me out front."
We went back to my apartment because, well, I was the one that needed to go home. Jake didn't go home, but I really hadn't expected him to. And let's be honest, Ben and Jerry might be good for immediate comfort, but they're not going to be your best friends when you have to work off that gallon of ice cream the next day. Having Jake around was much healthier.
Which is why twenty minutes later, I could be found sitting on my couch in my pajamas with my feet in Jake's lap and watching 27 Dresses (it was my official new happy movie; it used to be 10 Things I Hate About You, but after Heath died, it was more of a sad movie than a happy movie). A bowl of popcorn was on my knees, and the wrappers from a couple of chocolate bars were on my table.
"If Katherine Heigl wanted me, I wouldn't dump her because a trashy whore wanted me too," Jake muttered a little darkly.
I couldn't help laughing as I looked over at him. "Well, you're not as oblivious as George is. And you have the added bonus of having me as a filter."
He threw me a smirk. "You're a lousy filter."
"I am not!" I argued, pretending to be offended.
He just continued to smirk. "Yes, you are. Remember Terri? You said she was fine, and she went all possessively psychotic on me. Or Mallory, who sobbed all through our date because she still missed her ex-boyfriend? Or—"
"Okay, so I've made mistakes," I said, shrugging easily. "But you have too."
"Maybe, but yours were way worse," he argued, grinning. "I mean, even crazy cat dude can't beat possessively psychotic. And your guy tonight didn't sob. He was actually pretty stable. Felt a little sorry for him, to be honest."
"You feel sorry for Derrick?" I blurted in shock. Jake typically isn't the over protective brother type, but he's been known to threaten guys that have dumped me. The fact that he felt sorry for my date wasn't exactly normal Jacob behavior.
He just shrugged. "Sure. He didn't know what he was getting into. And you really can't help who you fall in love with, can you?"
I shot him a suspicious look. "You're awfully insightful tonight. Especially for someone that says they would choose Katherine Heigl over everyone else."
"I didn't say I would choose her over everyone else. Jane or Tess, I'd pick Jane. Katherine Heigl or… Jessica Alba, I'm all for Katherine. But if it came down to… you or Katherine Heigl, I'm choosing you in a heartbeat."
"That's sweet," I teased, glancing back at the TV. "However untrue it might be."
"Lina." I looked at him partly because of his serious tone and partly because his hand was suddenly resting on my knee. The intense look on his face kept me from looking away. "I would choose you over any girl. And I feel sorry for that guy you were with tonight because he was on a date with a beautiful girl, and he couldn't even give her the attention she deserves because he's so in love with someone else."
And because my mental filter was off (who keeps their mental filter on around their best friend anyway?), I immediately blurted out, "You're going to kiss me, aren't you?"
He just grinned. "Yep." He moved the bowl of popcorn, moved my legs off his lap, and moved over to kiss me. It was the soft and gentle kind that makes you want to melt. The kind of kiss I'd always wanted but never really gotten. As soon as his mouth touched mine, I couldn't help wondering why I hadn't kissed him before.
Which I mentioned as soon as our mouths separated.
He snorted, burying his face in my neck. "I've been thinking about it for a while, actually."
"Yep." He lifted his head to grin at me. "So does this mean I won't have to send you annoying text messages to get your attention?"
"Does this mean you won't be completely obnoxious when you're right?" I teased right back.
"Oh, goody." And then he kissed me again despite my laughter.
And despite the fact that Jake was right and my perfect date with my dream guy had been ruined and God obviously hated me, I couldn't help wondering is periods weren't always bad.
So, to be honest, I think I went in a completely different direction with this than most people would have. At least with the date part anyway, not so much the ending. But yeah. I'm rather fond of Jake and Lina, so you might see them again sometime.
Not to mention, reviews would be lovely. :)
(P.S.- Big, massive thank you to Starflowergem for pointing out that I'm an idiot and put the wrong document on here. You're fantastic.)