Stranger I Love

I love you no matter how far you go

more than my pride will ever allow me to show

every time I think of you my thoughts wonder

what is it like to have a daughter as messed up as me

a girl whose heart seems as hard as hail

even after she has cried herself to sleep,

her hand dangling between the rail of the bed

and you reach to hold it to make her understand

...

she holds on impulsively,

revealing a hidden child desperate for affection

until she becomes conscious and tears her hand away

so quickly snatching her love away

rejecting you as well as herself

...

Daddy

I never knew you

hatred grew for time gone past unspent

I felt all alone

when I'd cry and my mother was gone

and I thought of a father I never knew

...

Imagine it

extraordinary, unworldly, different

left handed, short, frail

me against the world

...

Do you know I got insecure

and when I cried all I felt was vanity

hopelessness, loss, stupidity and despair

I stared in the mirror and I...

hated myself and eventually everyone else

hated you, hated my mother, hated the world, hated God

I didn't see the reason I came to be

...

Remember you told me about the days you hurt

the days you hurt for me

these are the words I never said:

...

I hurt too, Daddy

I hurt because I felt like I wasn't good enough

I felt like I wasn't worthy

and did you know

I never learned how to express myself

I bottle my emotions beautifully

and that I act the part of a cold, manipulative bitch very well

...

but when you called for the first time in years

and asked me to stay

I had imagined the ultimate fairytale

the fairytale I had dreamed all these years

but soon my dreams were shattered by reality

Again

as you told me a story I'd heard a million times on tv

a story that sickened me to hear

...

So I shut you out

slammed the door in your face

slammed it so hard I broke the hinges

...

can you feel me when I cry out in desperation

for every wrong I've ever committed

against you, myself, and everyone else

...

I tried to call you

but your number changed

why didn't you tell me?

...

I wanted to tell you something important

Let you know I'm growing up

Probably faster than you wanted me to

...

I'm six months pregnant now

And I have got to tell you

I have never been more scared,

more excited in my entire life

things aren't the same

...

oh daddy,

I do miss you

stranger I love