Inquiry Officer Radvan Perkett looked around the desolate dwelling with a throbbing headache. Despite finding his hideaway, the perp himself had seemingly vanished.

Junior Officer Cerena padded up to his superior and relayed, in a yappy, annoying voice, what Perkett knew already. Nobody had been there in at least a week.

"Fine," Officer Perkett sighed. "Get Forensics in here."

Junior Officer Cerena nodded eagerly and set off to find the forensics specialist. He returned later with an elderly man in tow. The man had bright purple trousers and a lime green coat with red lining. Officer Perkett could feel his headache worsening, even if that did not seem possible.

"How can I help, Officer?" the old man asked cheerily.

"We need to know as much as possible about the person who lived here," Officer Perkett answered rather gruffly. "Can you handle it?"

"Well, we'll have to see," came the unnecessarily perky reply. "Is there anything organic in here?"

"The furniture's made of wood!" Junior Officer Cerena suggested eagerly.

"No, no. Not good enough," the man shook his head.

"I thought wizards could talk to wood." Junior Officer Cerena seemed puzzled.

"Wise wood, yes. Fresh wood, yes. But not wood this old and dumb. A houseplant, perhaps?"

"No houseplants," Officer Perkett answered. "There's some mould, though."


"Problem with that?"

"No, not exactly," the wizard shrugged. "It's just-- well, mould is just so clingy. You can barely look in its direction and it starts chattering like an old gossip. That's good, I suppose, but you try and end the conversation and it starts screeching worse than a bruised banana."

"That's bad, then?" Junior Officer Cerena asked.

"No, but it's terribly annoying," the wizard sighed. "Oh, well, I suppose not as bad as a fresh cucumber. Those things will talk your mind off. I don't suggest communing with a fresh cucumber under any circumstances."

Officer Perkett rubbed his eyes tiredly. It sounded to him like mould was about as chatty as the avarage wizard. "If you're done with the lecture?"

"Oh! Yes, of course." The wizard grinned. "Show me the mould!"

Officer Perkett did so, desperately hoping this whole thing was worth the headache. These wizards from Forensics were getting more irritating by the year.


Author's note: tied-in with another (very short) one-shot, "Wise Wood". I just took the premise to its logical extreme.