Chapter 17. Love Me Like You Do
My mouth feels dry suddenly and my mind goes blank, I don't know what to say. The question, if I'm true to myself, has come up in my head. Of course we're close but knowing his personality, his presence and the very fact that whether he's my brother or not my body responds to him. But it's too complicating, like I feel like if I admit to something like this it will only spur him on, make him feel like he has a chance but honestly nothing would be able to come from such a thing. We could never be a normal couple hypothetically and it's just so wrong.
After a deep sigh, I gently move his bangs out of his face. "I would fall for you Angel, if we weren't brothers but…we are."
"But you'd fall in love with me?"
I nod my head, then look away from him as I start up the car. I whole body suddenly shaking a bit and I want to cry so badly for even saying what I have but it's true. If Angel wasn't my brother I would have fallen for him, fallen hard for him. I mean it's not the same with Martin, I feel like it's greater, stronger. I want to fight this attraction but it's there and if he wasn't my brother I would give into these feelings.
His hand comes over mine and he turns the key. "I'll drive."
We switch seats and with that he's driving to the outlet, saying nothing more and even though a great weight has been lifted from me I still just can't feel great about it. I just told him my honest feelings on the issue. I rest my head against the window, my hand to my chest and the shame just hits me hard. I sob quietly, ignoring my ever buzzing phone.
"I'm fighting so hard, please…understand." I let out weakly, leaning back as the onslaught of tears just keep flowing "I just want…things…to be normal."
He clears his throat, voice slightly hoarse. "Then stop, stop fighting…it and let me… make you happy."
Let him make me happy, I really wish it could be so easy. In maybe another life we aren't related but right here, now we are related. I suddenly feel his hand stroking my hair, then softly caressing my face. "Don't think about it too much Pay."
"If we stayed on the island things maybe could have been a lot simpler." I admit, wiping away at the tears. "But that's not how…things happened and we have to accept it."
When we get to the destination, Angel simply turns me by my chin to face him. "You need to follow your heart, in your heart you don't care what we are."
I stare at him wide eyed as if he's telling me something I don't already know. "Ang you're my twin, you will find someone that's not me and they…will be better for you."
He lets me go but his eyes stay on me. "Pay I don't need anyone else, anyone else is just entertainment for the moment, my heart's yours."
"They're not you, they can never be you. You occupy every article of my brain, I'm a slave to you and I regret nothing I've said to you. There's always been something about you even before the island, I just want…you so badly."
With that said he kisses me again, hands cupping my face tenderly. His tongue pushes into my mouth and caresses mine in such a way that it means to get to me, in every way possible. I arch subconsciously, gripping my seat as Angel moves more of his body onto mine. My mind is blank and I'm just as guilty, giving in to his mouthful kiss, completely forgetting that this is Angel I'm lip locked with. One of his hands snakes from my face down and under my jacket into my shirt, sliding hotly over my stomach to my chest. I shut my eyes and just loose myself into it, the cold metal of his lip rings, tingling my mouth ever so. His other hand grips the back of my head, fingers gliding through my hair. I meet his pace, pressing my body into his, letting go finally mentally of the restrictions. This is so bad, so very bad right now but it can't be stopped, he knows I want him now. His teeth bite gently down on my bottom lip, pulling it slightly then he's back ravishing my mouth deliciously. My whole body is hot right now and I can't seem to think straight, I feel his finger pinch my nipple lightly and I respond. I've kissed Donnie many times but this is so different, like another level that if I'm certain cannot be matched. A small gasp escapes me and I open eyes only to see that Angel's eyes are just locked on me, it's scary because his gaze is just so intense.
The sound of his phone's ringtone, Bullet for my Valentine's: Tears Don't Fall brings me back to reality and I come to my senses, realizing we're in the outlet parking lot. I push against him and he slowly releases me, settling back on the driver side.
This is too much for me right now and I'm so torn, on one side I have this love, clear wrong love for Angel and want more than anything just to accept it for what it is finally but then I have an opportunity to be happy with a normal relationship or just dating. How can I give him my all if I have so many doubts about doing something like this? But I don't want to play with Angel's heart.
"Uh…um…I don't want to lead you on."
He nods slowly. "It's my own fault if you do and at this point I wouldn't care."
I must have a confused look upon my face cause he simply smirks a little, been awhile since I've seen that after the incident. "I just want to be one of your options Pay, like say if I was to legit ask you to be my boyfriend."
My head's still spinning but I try and not think about what Angel said to me in the car as I push my cart and walk around through the aisles of jeans. He's behind me, following closely behind, seemingly in a better mood than before. Does he even know how much that has me confused? I try my focus on the jeans, seeing as how I'm pretty sure I've been in here for a while roaming the same aisles. Angel grips the basket suddenly and stirs it toward a rack of jeans. "You're looking for a completely different style right?"
I nod slowly, and look through the nearest rack, glad to be on a subject but our weird relationship. He plucks from the rack near him a pair of jeans that look a little tight and have some tears in them. We wear the same size so shopping with Angel is a little easy at times, especially now that we get along. He picks out various types of pants and styles, getting my approval on a few and then I move to tops.
Before I know it we're laughing and joking and just basically having a great time shopping together, it's almost like the incident didn't even happen. I definitely missed Angel's smile and laughter, it makes me feel like everything is looking up now. We check out, I got more than what I planned to get, pretty much blew through my paycheck but Angel paid for some stuff so that's a relief.
We get back home, mom greeting us as she feeds Melinda, grandmother seated at the kitchen table picking through her food. She's quite old and constantly needs help so I offer to care for Melinda while mom tends to her mother. Angel takes all the bags upstairs while I continue feeding duty for my sister. My phone goes off occasionally and when I finally finish feeding Melinda and put her in her playpen I go ahead and check just to see that it's Robbie. He's texted me quite a while, even sent me a picture. There's another text but this one is from Donnie, I almost trip on the stairs as I open it, seeing as it's a dick pic. In the image he's laying down, the camera focused on his erect penis.
Okay if I was unsure whether he wants to be together I'm very sure now. Not really sure at this point if I should respond, I mean he's coming over tonight. I go up to our room and straight to my bed, on my phone still, conflicted suddenly. I mean it's just a date with Robbie and it could totally not even lead anywhere, then there's Donnie but then there's… I glance down from my bed to where Angel is on the computer.
He told me to keep him as an option but the thought still seems weird to me; but at the same time, we have already been through so much. Of course I love Angel but after that thing today I need to start also realizing that love can be more, as in not seeing him as my brother which he badly wants me to put aside.
I notice that he has put all the bags away so I climb down from my bed and find that he hung up all my new clothes already. I pick out one of the light button up shirts I just got, which seem to have a little design on it. I slip on the jeans Angel first picked out for me. I check myself out in the mirror behind our closet door and run a hand through my loose hair, suddenly wishing it was shorter.
At that moment I lock eyes with Angel through the mirror. He shyly looks away and coughs into his hand, reclining in the chair. I continue gazing at myself, my face sadly turning red. I lift my hair to see how it would look cut shorter, feeling defeated I simply braid it back and slip on my converse.
"Going out with Robbie?"
I nod and before I can ask on how he knows we are going out he tells me Robyn told him, which does not surprise me. I finish up getting ready, its actually pretty early still but he should be here in a few hours. I go over to where Angel is, seeing that he's on his Facebook responding to friend requests.
"Donnie's coming over later when I get back, I think he wants to talk or whatever." I send another quick message to Robbie then look back to Angel, who's staring at me. "Well…I wanted to get your advice."
He raises his brows, running a hand through his hair. "Pay I don't think I'm the best person to even come to for advice on this."
"Please…I'm just not sure what to do about Donnie, I still like him of course but…you know."
"Why did you break up?"
That's right I never told Angel about the breakup, guess it was better not to get into it since after the incident things just changed for me and Donnie. I didn't want to have sex and he kept getting upset about it, I mean I don't think that was the extent of our relationship, I'd hope. I think perhaps being rejected by me about that issue just got tiring to him, I think, but I can't let Angel know this though, we are getting past the whole thing.
"Uh, not enough time together but anyway I really want to just date at this point and just enjoy that."
"So nothing serious?"
I nod to this, taking a seat on the bottom bunk. "I just want to have fun honestly, like I know I'm gay now so I want to explore my sexuality y'know?"
"Yeah I understand, this is all new to you and you just want to have fun." He stares now back at the computer, face blank. "Just tell him that."
"Thanks…I think I will." I sigh heavily, feeling like I should probably say something about the uncertainty of us. "Um…about the thing you said in the car…"
He swivels in the chair to look at me. "I meant everything I said Pay."
"Ang I can't be your boyfriend." I say in a voice no louder than a whisper, careful in case someone may overhear. "You know I can't, the kiss earlier yeah it meant something but you know we just can't be that."
"Payton I don't want to argue about it, I will give you some time but I don't plan on not kissing you and touching you." His gaze lingers to my lips then all over me before he turns back to the computer. "Enjoy your date tonight."
"I won't forgive you again if you slip Angel." I say firmly referring to the incident, I don't want a repeat. "Just promise me on that please."
"I won't hurt you again like that Pay ever again." He gets up from the computer and takes a seat next to me on his bed. "I promise you, nothing against your will."
I fold my hands into my lap and stare at them, relieved that he at least understands. His hand gently comes up to caress my cheek. "You won't stop me from kissing you right"
My head feels light suddenly and I just look into his eyes shyly. "No…"
He gives me a light peck then just remains close by me. "I really do love you Pay."
"I love you too Ang."
He sits up and looks me over. "Please don't, I'd rather wait till the day you can stop seeing me as your brother and say it."
That was the thing though, I do love him, honestly in love with him but that brother thing is the barrier, the barrier I refuse to cross. It would be relieving to just give completely up and follow him through this make believe that we're not brothers and just two people in love.
I hear dad call from downstairs, not sure whom he calls but I just get up and head down there, too nervous to remain near Angel.
"Payton can you tend to your sister, and start on dinner?" He's sitting in the living room, coffee table spread out with paperwork and books. He's been stressing lately so I simply agree even though Robbie should be here in a little bit.
Angel comes down as I'm preparing a meatloaf and helps in the kitchen without me having to ask, as well as cleans up around the place. Mom's upstairs giving grandmother a bath so I go ahead and get to tending to Melinda.
I'm on the floor playing with her when a knock sounds on the door. Angel gets to it before I do, laundry basket in hand and its Robbie. He smiles shyly to my brother and comes in, hands in his pockets.
I grab my coat and stand up, trying to hide my nerves. "Uh…dad I'm going to the movies, will be back before curfew."
He gives a quick nod and I make my way to Robbie who follows me out the house. I don't bother looking to Angel, I can feel his eyes on me and for some reason I just feel guilty after all he has said today. Well this is just a date and besides he's my brother, this is nothing though.
Robbie's got a black Porche, which is actually news to me since I just assumed he borrowed his sister's car and Simon's always driving him around most of the time. "You look nice, so movies first or dinner"
I buckle up and shrug and smile a little. "Your choice."
Robbie smiles back at me, his gold hair which is usually in a ponytail is down and it definitely is a nice change. I relax back in the seat and he pulls out the drive way and off we go, for a split second I think I see Angel peering out the window but then again I'm just assuming since I can't shake that he's bothered.
Throughout the car ride we mainly just talk about various subjects, we do have a lot in common and he waste no time going on about the place he plans to take me to eat. From most of what we talk about it's clear he's a big fantasy film fan and loves Warcraft and hopes we can play sometime. I'm making sure to give him all my attention and engage in conversation but from time to time I think about Angel. How can I not? It's not every day that you realize the whole time the thing you've been fighting is the truth.
When we get to the restaurant or café as it says it's definitely worth the visit. Everything is Lord of the Rings themed, even the menu features items that have names linked to the film. Of course this place is awesome so I'm for sure pumped for this date, making a mental note to drag Martin and Angel one of these days.
We settle down at our table and the waiter, a friendly older woman who I don't catch her name takes our order. I take a few minutes to look the menu over and decide on simply a sandwich by the name of the Frodo and Robbie gets a burger and for the both of us some tea. The place is lively, but not too formal so it pretty chill.
"So how do you like it?" He asks, emerald eyes catching the light of the lamp near us. "Robyn first discovered it."
"It's pretty neat." I love The Lord of the Rings so I appreciate that he wanted to share with me this. I think I let it be known that I'm pretty nerdy for that type of stuff so it's awesome to know he's a little alike. "What are we seeing at the movies?"
Robbie checks his phone then shows me. "Avatar." I read then look through some of the articles on it. "Wow, it seems to be quite popular."
He puts his phone away and grins. "Oh my god right, I've been dying to see for a while. The whole film is just beautiful; I mean that CGI."
He starts going into detail about it and saying how much I'm sure to love it, I nod here and there then check my phone when it buzzes, finding a text from Angel.
Ang: having fun?
I wait for our food to get to us before responding so as not to be rude. Even though I haven't had many dates I for sure figure the whole phone at dinner is a big no no. With Donnie we hardly went out that much since he preferred to hang at his house or if we did go out Martin was there so it never felt that much like a date. We talk then about school and the subject of prom comes up. "Do you plan to go?"
I take a sip of tea and nod. "I plan to go by myself or y'know in a group for obvious reasons."
"You're gay or bi?" He bluntly asks, looking me over careful, I guess hoping it was safe to ask something like this.
"Gay," I reply proudly, feels great saying it since I feel like it's clear I have no attraction to women. "I'm not out though so I'd prefer to wait."
"Understandable, not everyone's really tolerate of well…you know our lifestyle." I know he's bi but he's strangely not one to hide his affection. "I found out about myself not too long ago to be honest."
"I know this is a first date and all," I begin, suddenly feeling a little shy for wanting to know. "have you umm…gone far with a guy?"
Robbie thinks about that then shakes his head. "Um…just kissing and before you ask I should say I'm not a virgin, a few um…girls."
"How do you know that you're sexually attracted you know to guys?" Since we're on the subject why not ask. Normally I don't talk about sex or anything related and prefer not to discuss it much but lately it's become something I'm curious on. It's been some time after the incident and I would rather not let it be the reason I fear even avoiding the subject.
He shifts in his seat and clears his throat. "Uh…if you're wondering I can safely say I find you pretty sexually attractive."
So much for this being friendly, I think to myself, feeling my entire body heat up. I look away then and focus on my food. "Thanks…I guess."
He laughs a little and gets back to eating. "Thought I'd just be honest with you, but yeah anyway I asked Donnie before asking you out if it was okay since we're friends."
"I…think he wants to talk to me." I think about mentioning that he might be coming over after this but decide not to. "What did he say to you?"
"Seemed cool about it but I don't know." Robbie stops eating and sits up a little. "I think he still likes you but well…guess that's his own issue. I just want to make sure I'm not coming between you two."
We finish eating then leave the café and on to the movie theatre where we make it just in time for the showing of Avatar he had wanted to see. We get seats in the back, Robbie going on about how he wants the best view to see it. I get a few more texts from Angel, mostly asking about the date then to tell me he won't be home and he'll be out. I keep messaging him back, curious as to what he has planned for his evening.
Once the movie starts I give it my attention, only texting when he sends me something back. It's almost funny cause with the way we are messaging it's like he's here with me.
Ang: Chillin wit Trey, new club. Wat movie U seeing?
Me: Avatar, blue aliens thing
Ang: I miss U btw
Ang: Wish it was me wit U right now
I think about what to say and don't really come up with anything, but then my mind goes into one of its spacing out moments, filling itself with thoughts of how a date would be with Angel. Like a real date and if we weren't brothers, it's nice but I don't know. I send him a simple sad face emoji and just ask him if he wants to stay up with me and watch movies tonight. He later sends me two kissy face emoji with 'yes' in caps.
Midway through the movie I notice Robbie acting a little funny, he pretends to stretch and slips his arm around me. I almost burst out laughing at him pulling that, I mean wow not smooth at all but funny. He's clearly nervous which gets me to assume maybe I'm his first male date…maybe.
He leans to me, whispering in my ear. "You okay; want me to get you anything?"
I shake my head, noticing his minty breath, clearly he popped a mint after dinner. Didn't think of getting any myself and now I feel a little self-conscious that my breath might smell bad. I bite down on my lower lip and get back to watching the movie, nervous now.
Robbie surprises me then with a small kiss, catching me off guard. He grins nervously, searching my eyes for some sort of reaction, as if hoping for a sign to kiss me again. I move closer and work my lips onto his, going over in my head the kiss between Angel and I this morning. I mimic exactly the same way he kissed me, not at all thinking about Robbie anymore. Angel's in my head, as much as I want to block him out he's there.
Robbie's hands grip my waist, pulling my body as close as the seat will allow. All shyness is out the window for the both of us and we're just making out. I'm so horny I don't know what to really do, I feel like it has a lot to do with what happened with Angel sadly, my hearts not into it though. I run a hand through Robbie's hair and grip it slightly, shoving my tongue into his mouth. He wants me, I can tell, meanwhile I just want to give myself up to the sin, the wrong which has nothing to do with him.
Robbie backs away a bit, breaking the kiss which makes me move away, He fixes himself then looks to me. Even in the darkness of the theatre I can see a rather pleased Robbie. We get through the movie, an additional make-out session during the credits and he takes me home. I thank him in the car and simply give a quick peck nervously since it's in front of my house. When he drives off I respond to Donnie's message and just tell him tomorrow would be best, it's late and it's obvious talking is not the only thing he has planned, plus I just want to reflect on some things tonight.
I go up to my room and I must admit disappointment comes in when I don't see Angel, hopefully he'll be home soon. I change into my PJs, a little overwhelmed by all that's happened today but at the same time I do feel a little better. After watching TV for a bit I climb the ladder to my bunk and lay awake in the darkness, my mind playing back everything. It's like when I kissed Robbie I was only spurred on by what happened this morning, I can't get Angel out of my head. Must be true then that he's starting to affect me, maybe he's always had this hold on me and I just kept ignoring it. I shut my eyes and my head fills up with events of that night Angel entered me.
This very thing that was just so awful at the time has my head wrapped on it. The pain of that night I still carry but there was that unmistakable feeling of pleasure, slight but it was there. It's not right at all and I really hate myself for it.
I hear someone coming up the stairs and I turn over onto my side, the door to our room opens minutes later. The door shuts after some time and he moves around the room with the flashlight from his phone, he opens the dresser, gets what he needs and closes it. Soon I hear him put his phone on the charger and settle into the bottom bunk. Five long minutes pass and he slips from his bed and climbs the ladder up to mine. I shut my eyes quickly, pretending to be asleep and his body slips under the sheets behind mine, arms wrapping around my waist, settling his head onto my shoulder.
He smells of cigarettes but at the same time his cologne so it's not all too bad and besides it's comforting. I settle against him a little more and fall asleep to the sound of his breathing. This right here is better than him being scared to be near me, I don't want us to be apart. Even if these feelings are confusing and wrong I think it's okay as long as we stay together.
I awake to a start as Mom barges into our room, Angel bolting up as well. She has a basket of laundry in her hands, puzzled look upon her face. I don't know what to say, I mean does it look bad? Okay it probably does, her two teenage boys cuddled in bed together in their boxers, well I have pajama pants but I'm sure it doesn't look right.
She clears her throat then sits the basket down on the floor. "Didn't mean to wake you both, just laundry room…was getting crowded."
Angel stays where he is, simply nodding to what she just said and he seems to pull off calm better than me, casual may be the way to go. When she keeps looking at us, he simply chuckles, running a hand through his hair. "Had a bad dream so decided to sleep up here."
She's silent for a moment then her eyes widen as if something comes to her. "Is this…because of the island?"
He simply nods his head, finding it easy just to go with that. "Uh…yeah."
Mom grabs at her chest, face lined with worry. "Oh you poor thing, Angel if things were bothering you, you should have let me or your father know."
"It's okay I'm fine." He says quickly, "It's not daily, just hit me last night is all, I'm fine really mom."
She nods slowly and chuckles, "Twins do the oddest things but how cute; oh and breakfast is downstairs. With that said she leaves the room, I can hear her still laughing. I look to Angel as he sighs heavily. "Think it be best if you sleep in your own bed next time."
He climbs down and locks the door, "It won't happen again, sorry for that."
I notice then the morning wood he's sporting and shyly look away. "Uh…yeah sure."
Even though we got lucky and he was able to explain the issue away I fear the next time it won't be easily covered up. This is what I'm stressing about, there could never be us together in the way he wishes cause it's wrong. Society says it's wrong, pretty sure it's wrong in every religion and I'm sure it's just freaking wrong. So why in the hell do I want to make it work and stop fighting it?
He grabs a few clothes and heads into the bathroom, I hear the shower a few minutes later. My phone starts vibrating then and after seeing who it is I answer almost immediately. "Hey Pay, see you're awake."
Martin's voice seems pretty chipper which puts me out of my sour mood. "Hey, what's up that you had to call so early?"
"Need a huge favor, here it goes; do you think you could take me to practice this whole week and work? My truck's in the shop and Trey already bailed on me."
I wipe the sleep from my eyes, "yeah sure but I also have to ask if it's okay with Angel, also let me know your schedule so I can work something out."
"Oh man that would be awesome oh and plans changed on the whole cabin thing, we broke up so yeah…"
That's a relieve at least, kind of didn't want to go but also didn't want to decline Martin's invitation. "It's cool man."
"How did the date go?"
Wow how many people know?
I mean did Robbie tell them all or was it Donnie?
"It was good; I mean we didn't make plans for…another but I think it went good."
"Oh that's awesome man, don't know Robbie too much but glad everything worked out. Um…didn't want to tell you but Donnie really is bugging about you."
Oh yeah him, at this point I'm just not sure with him because I really don't care to get back together after all the things I've been thinking about. I consider my time with him as just that and nothing more, I'm not sure why he wants me back now. I mean if he would just give me some more time, or just keeps things as friends.
"He's coming by later today so I guess we can talk then."
"Guess that's good, you want me to tag along or no?"
"I'm fine Martin."
"If you say so Pay, hey I'll call you back later."
I press end call and climb down the ladder, after having breakfast I go back up to the room and jump in the shower after Angel comes out. The winter break is passing fast so it won't be long before the second semester starts and I have to start preparing, haven't even started on a college list. I use to be so organized and a perfect planner but nowadays I have all these hard feelings stealing my focus. I make a plan to keep myself busy and give myself a day without seeing Angel too much. As much as I love being around him I have to stop, I'm really making it difficult for myself.
I head back to the room after the shower, finding Angel on the computer. "You need the car today?"
He shakes his head then looks to me. "Where ya going?"
"I'm going to the library, then to get my hair cut." I sit down on his bed and slip on my shoes, "I really need to start deciding on where to go for college, feel like I've been slacking."
"Can I come too?" Angel asks this as if he's asking me to marry him, all intense, eyes gazing into mine.
This is what I'm talking about, how can I possibly get him from my head if he's always around?
I'm weak right now dammit and just can't deal but at the same time I just can't tell him no.
So much for trying to put some distance between us. "Uh…um…sure."
As if sensing something he looks away from me. "Unless you didn't want me to come, I don't want to smother you Pay."
"Just come on Angel." I groan grabbing his arm.
Not going to hurt to have him with me for a bit, just as long as everything is kept in check. I can't have a repeat of yesterday but then again I feel like we're past that, he knows a little on how I feel and I know for sure that he's okay now.
We inform mom of where we're going and of course this insures that we do a few errands for her while we're out, post office, grocery story and fabric store is now on our list of many things to do. I keep forgetting that it's almost Christmas so this is just the beginning of the crazy planning.
Her errands pretty much take all morning and in the afternoon we're stuck in the inevitable grocery store, which is packed. Angel follows with the list as I push the basket, beyond aggravated. I pocket my shades and try and get past the many lines at the checkout. Together we tackle the list, suddenly I'm beyond thankful that I have him, seeing as how I would be so fed up. As we're in the frozen foods section he catches me off guard by asking about my date with Robbie.
"Um…it was good, y'know dinner and movie." I grab three gallons of milk add them to the cart then move on in pursuit of the next item. "The movie was pretty cool too, you might even like it."
He chuckles, running a hand through his messy hair, which is certainly growing, must say I've never seen him let it grow, except on the island. "Well I'm glad you had fun."
"How was your night?"
"Went and shot pool after the club got stale."
He meets my gaze and shakes his head. "Wasn't looking but a few chicks did give me their number."
"Well if they spark your interests don't wait too long." Even I can't say this and make it sound casual.
He simply grins to that and we continue on this mad scavenger hunt in this crazy store that mom has tortured us with. When we finish shopping we head to the fabric store, get what she's insisted then I finally can do my own errands. Angel's driving now, listening to me complain about the insane amount of time we had to wait in line at the grocery store and how much I'm hoping mom makes Christmas a small affair unlike Thanksgiving. After we drop off the groceries at home we are now headed to the library.
When I'm done all he does is laugh, "I see you're quite the impatient one."
"I have patience but that was just overboard."
"Well aren't you glad I was there to keep you company?"
My phone goes off and this time it's Robbie. "Hey Robbie."
"Hey there beautiful, was seeing if you're free tomorrow." He says something to someone in the background, most likely Robyn, shooing her away. "I wanted to call or text you last night but didn't know if you'd be up, I had a lot of fun last night."
"Oh um…I'm not sure but I may have work tomorrow but I can meet you after work if you want."
"Cool, I'll see you then." Before I'm about to end the call he calls my name, "Hey wait, I can give you a ride to your job tomorrow if you want, I'm kinda free all day."
"Uh…sure I mean if you're free."
Angel glances briefly at me then back to the road as we come to a red light. "Okay see you tomorrow, um…have a good day beautiful."
With that he ends the call and I'm just sitting there not really sure of anything anymore. I think Robbie may want something more than just casual dating, possibly a relationship but I really don't want that anymore.
"Guess things definitely went great." Angel suddenly says, snapping me from my thoughts. "So now it will be you and Robbie now."
"Just dating Ang, you should really go on some."
"Would that make you happy?" He takes out a pack of Marlboros, I watch as he lights and takes a long drag from one of them.
"It's about you not what I want." I stop staring at him and look up to the light as it changes to green. "I just think it will help, so umm…have you thought about college?"
Changing the subject seems the best option right now and my escape.
I admit after yesterday I want to avoid any intimacy with Angel.
In all seriousness I actually never really thought about Angel and college, he's never showed any interests in the topic but maybe he's given things some thoughts. "I plan on doing community college and staying here but I assume you're going away." The last part his voice changes ever so slightly, I notice it of course.
"Would it bother you if I went away?"
He rolls his eyes, taking another drag from the cigarette. "Duh Pay, but I know you actually have career goals and such, besides I couldn't possibly expect you to stay. It's inevitable that we would be separated eventually and yeah it fucking sucks."
I drop that topic and the rest of the ride is in silence, well besides from music. When we get to the library I mainly do my research on some of my top choices and print out what I need and scholarship information. I also check out various resources and once we finish up there since its already evening time, I hurry up and find the nearest salon on my phone that takes walk-ins.
Angel decides to get something done with his own hair as well so we both get seated in stations near one another. I tell my hairdresser exactly what I want and decide to change things up even more by throwing in a dye job, as if the cut I plan to get isn't drastic enough. I look to Angel, his hairdresser, a girl maybe in her early twenties starts flirting with him. He looks to me and I grin, mouthing that the chick likes him. He rolls his eyes and leans back against his chair, paying her hardly any attention.
"Are ya'll fraternal or identical twins." She asks towards me, sectioning Angel's hair.
"We're fraternal but we get that we look alike a lot." I'm so use to the question since we get it a lot, before when we were younger dad always had to answer this.
"Well there's no lie on that." She giggles to this and nods a little. "Who is older?"
Angel simply raises his hand slightly and this gets her giggling again, flinging her hair to the side. "Y'know I always find articles that twins just have some psychic connection, like one knows what the other is thinking and vice versa. Do you guys get that sometimes?"
I nod my head as I notice the place getting busier, when my hairdresser has to step aside Angel's starts working on the both of us. "Okay let's get you guys to the sink, oh I'm Victoria by the way."
"Nice to meet you." She leads me first to the sink then Angel and proceeds to shampoo and condition us both simultaneously, all the while keeping up conversation on the whole twin thing. After she finishes she uses the blow-dryer and quickly dries our hair but not too much. I watch her finish that then starts preparing Angel's hair to dye, I simply watch her work and flirt, occasionally flirting with me as well. It's almost clock work, this is a little new for me since I don't get it often especially from a chick.
After a few hours, everything gets finished up. I check my new look in a hand mirror Victoria hands me and admire the new me and her work. I've had the back and sides shaven but there's a long layer at the top, she sweeps it back. The color I decided on is a platinum blonde, completely different look than I would have gone for before but I'm loving it. Never has my hair been this short so it's something to get used to but it looks great.
Angel's hair is slightly shorter but not by much and its mainly been layered, the color now auburn. I think it looks great, the new color kind of makes his gray eyes stand out more. He looks briefly into the mirror then to me. He was watching her work on me but still seems surprised at the end results.
"I really love how everything came out." Victoria comments going to her purse for her phone suddenly. "You mind a picture?"
I shrug and she takes a pic of us both. "I'm still new here so building up my portfolio."
Angel gets up from the chair, "Well you do great work so thanks."
"Oh here's my number." She scribbles on the back of a business card and hands it to him, giving me a wink. "We should all go out sometime."
We leave then after paying, me a little confused but it's a little amusing as well. Angel starts the car, the sky already transitioning to night and I realize then that we've been out all day. I pull down the mirror and look at myself again, running my hands through my hair.
"Looks good." He says giving me a brief look before pulling out the parking lot. "Definitely different."
"Can you believe it's the first time dying my hair, I mean I guess the color isn't that shocking right?"
He runs a hand through my hair, rubbing the sides. "Wonder what mom and dad will think, but hey what's with the sudden changes?"
I think on this leaning back in my seat and shrug. "I guess I just want to try different things out for myself, think I may be ready to come out too. New year's coming so no better time than the present."
"True, well remember when I told mom I'm bi, she took it pretty well."
"Don't think dad knows though, think he'll take it as well as she did?"
He shrugs his shoulders, rolling down the window slightly. "I just remember that I have to make a stop if you don't mind, have to get a coverup done."
"Uh…sure, I mean I did drag you all over today."
He grins reaching to pinch my cheek. "You definitely did but no worries it was fun."
We drive into the city, Angel throwing on one of his Chevelle CDS. Since we've grown so close I've become accustomed to his musical taste so I actually do enjoy some of the songs, well I guess they grew on me. I'm glad he came with me, doing things by myself still feels strange. I guess it's just a twin thing, I mean even before the island we would end up going places together, we hated it though.
Guess I would never want to go back to how things were, he's definitely become my best friend, despite the incident which I guess is past us now.
Wonder if he thinks about it though? Like if he compares it to the sex he's had.
Ugh what am I thinking right now, I am officially done with the whole incident.
My phone goes off and after seeing who it is I'm now remembering that of course I had something else to see to today. "Hey Donnie."
"Are you at home?"
"No I'm out with Angel, but I'll be home in a little bit."
He chuckles lightly, the TV on in the background. "Ah good, good and I figured as much. Did you get my pic?"
My mind jogs to the dick pic he sent me and I give him a quick yes. "I really miss you." He says, almost breathlessly. "I hate that we broke up and been thinking about it for a while."
"Donnie if you want to talk we can do it in person later, unless you want to talk now."
"I'll wait for you then; some things are expressed better in person."
I agree then press the end call, Angel looking at me out the corner of his eye. "Did you need to be somewhere?"
"No, it's just Donnie." I admit, not sure if Angel will get all weird from hearing about Donnie like he normally does. "Uh…he's been wanting to come by and talk is all."
He nods slowly, looking me over briefly. "Pretty sure that's not all he wants to do; I mean…at least I wouldn't."
I tense up, the whole day we've managed to keep pretty normal so I wasn't expecting that. We suddenly halt at traffic and Angel steals a quick kiss from lips, laughing afterwards. "You had to know I would do it."
My whole face feels hot and I simply rub my temples. "Yeah…I did."
"I want to buy a new car." He says randomly, as we wait in the traffic. "Do you think I'd be able to, Sid promoted me to manager a few days ago by the way."
"Getting tired of sharing?"
He shakes his head, greys gazing into mine. "I wanted to get it for you silly."
"Oh Angel you really don't have to."
"Just thinking about it right now Pay but it would make things easier, especially when you go off to college."
"I guess." I reply hoping to change the subject now. "What are you getting covered up?"
With a smirk he clears his throat nervously. "Oh don't make me say it, you know."
"You've seen it Pay come on."
I think about all the tattoos I've seen on him then remember exactly which one he has to be talking about. "Oh my I can't believe you didn't get it covered or removed sooner."
"I thought about just removing it completely but ugh I'm sure lasering it off will be way more and hurt like a bitch."
Back on the island, when we practically walked around naked or half naked I remember seeing Jenna's name on one of his ass cheeks. It was pretty hilarious and now that they are broken up I just assumed he would have been gotten it taken care of. "You don't still hold a torch for her and that's why you were hanging on to it?" I joke, still thinking of the ridiculous reason behind it.
"He turns back to the road, laughing lightly. "Uh yeah not in a million years, you already know my torch burns for you."
I find it odd how he can be so casual hitting on me now. I shrug it off though, I'll just see it as if he's teasing me. "Yeah…um…are we close to the place?"
He shakes his head, "It's all this damn traffic."
When it finally clears we're back on our way and arrive in perfect timing since the shop isn't packed as I would have thought. This isn't my first time at a tattoo shop, well first time at this particular one but I remember Angel dragging me to one before. As we sit down and wait for this guy that's Angel's friend he starts flipping through some of the books, trying to decide what he can get to cover up the name.
"Would getting a Raven there be weird?"
"Uh a raven on your ass maybe." I chuckle, picturing this mean looking raven and it somehow got stuck on a butt cheek.
He stands up and goes to this floor length mirror in the shop, lifting his shirt slightly and checking out his side. "I think I can plan a really huge bad ass piece right here and let it go all the way down where my cheek is, what do you think?"
"Damn, wouldn't that hurt like… a lot?"
He comes back and sits with me, shrugging. "I kind of like the feel of the needle so it's not that painful for me. You think you would get one? I mean not tonight or anything but y'know in the future."
I look around the place and think about the whole concept of tattoos, something so permeant but one really couldn't be that bad. "One day I guess, I mean I wouldn't really mind today really."
"What you thinking about getting?"
After some careful thought I show him my wrist. "Maybe my birthdate either here or somewhere else, I mean I really don't know but I'd rather avoid any place that's gonna hurt a lot."
"Well hate to be the bearer of bad news but the wrist is a bitch, well to some. Maybe you have my tolerance for pain so you'd have to just get one and see."
I realize then that he has my arm in his hands, rubbing ever so gently on my wrist. "I wouldn't mind matching that, get my birthdate as well. Like the time and date, it could be our twin tattoos y'know."
His friend comes in then and greets us both. "Hey Angel, was wondering when I'd see your ass in here; what are you thinking about getting?"
"Funny you should say that Lu cause you will literally be seeing my ass."
Lu or Luis is a fairly tall guy, skinny as hell and pale, covered in tattoos. He has a beard and on his head is a black fedora, a little intimidating but so far he seems nice. "Wow, guess it must be pretty serious, well you know I got you."
Lu leads the way to his station, Angel dragging me along with him. "So what ya thinking about getting to cover it up?"
He sits down on the table, stripping off his shirt and I notice that his left nipple is pierced, a recent addition I see. "I want to maybe get a Raven on there and maybe have it fit with something I want to get done on my side."
"I can freehand a Raven and we can start planning the piece on your side today if you want oh and is your bro getting something?"
Angel looks over to me and before I can chicken out I quickly nod my head. "I'm gonna get my birthdate and time."
"Same here." Angel says giving me a warm smile. "It's his first one too."
Lu grins, "so you're a tattoo virgin?"
I nod slowly. "Got any suggestions where I could get it where it won't hurt as much?"
"The wrist would hurt but it's pretty small to cover."
I forgo trying to think of preventing so much pain and just decide on getting it on the inside of my forearm, Angel wanting it in the same place so we match. He gets undressed down to his boxers and lays down on the table, pulling them down slightly so that the top part of his butt cheeks are exposed. Lou sure enough must be pretty talented cause he free-hands the Raven on to his butt cheek, making sure to hide Jenna's name in the feathers of the bird. After he's done with laying out everything he gets to inking. Angel's head's turned in my direction but he's looking at the floor then his gaze goes to me. He winces a bit at times but all in all doesn't seem to be bothered. Unlike him, though the sound of the little gun makes me nervous but watching Lu work is mesmerizing so it eases me a little. Angel talks to me while it's happening, mainly about random things. Watching how calm he is makes me sort of less nervous. After some time passes, Lu lets Angel get up for a break as he takes one himself. A few other people are in the other stations near us but it's really empty.
Angel leans on the table a bit, boxers still hanging low on his hips. "You're not gonna chicken out are you?"
I shake my head. "Didn't know you wanted to match with me."
"Why not." He raises his brows, "it's a good idea and hey since we didn't do anything for our birthday, also consider it on me as well."
"True, so you want to get our birth times or the date?"
"How about both?"
He shows me where we plan to get it and describes how he feels it should look like. We look through a few books on design of the letters and numbers. I find most to be not at all what I envision and dismiss them quickly, Angel agreeing on a few. We finally find a design that fits and when Lu comes back, Angel gets to describing everything.
They continue back on the Raven and once Lu's finished I must admit it looks amazing, despite being on Angel's ass cheek. He wipes it down then lets Angel check it out who of course is pleased. Once it's all wrapped up he gets us both to sit down and gets to work on the twin tat. Now that it's actually happening I get nervous and at the feel of the needle I almost lose it but Angel takes my hand in his and starts trying to distract me with small talk. I know he's trying to help but yes it definitely does hurt. After a while I get a little used to it and before I know it Lu is finished with my ink. I look it over, suddenly excited as now it's Angel's turn.
My tattoo is on my left arm, Angel is getting his on his right and it reads June 14 under that is 0855 while Angel's is 0847. This was definitely a new experience but I don't know if I'll get more later, maybe.
He finishes Angel then they get into details on \ discussing another tattoo that Angel says he'll come back and get later. After he pays Lu we say our farewells and head back to our side of town. It's pretty late now but I'm pretty surprised of myself, I really feel like a new me. I'm the one driving now, Angel having to not sit too much on the side of his butt that he got the tattoo. Mom calls then and he answers it, after letting her know we're on our way home he gets off the phone with her. It's not long before we're home and I must say I'm exhausted. We find mom in the kitchen still up, her scrapbooking stuff all out, glass of red wine at her side.
Ever since mom quit her job to stay home she's accumulated quite a lot of hobbies. She's always coming up with DIYs around the house and honestly I feel like it's better her being home. Angel gets something from the fridge as I come over and sit down next to her, sitting the car keys in the dish at the center of the table.
"You're lucky your father is sleeping; you know how he hates you guys coming home late."
Angel hugs mom's back, laying his head on her shoulder. "Check it out." He shows her the tattoo on his arm and she simply rolls her eyes.
"What number does this make Angel?"
"We both got em," he confesses and mom looks me over, clearly surprised.
I suddenly feel as if I've done something wrong but she actually expresses interest. "Show me, want to make sure it's at least good quality."
I'm surprised she's not angry but I guess she's kind of a little more laid back, after all we've been through I think she's just trying not to be critical of everything. I show her my arm and she looks them both over and nods her head a little. "Well at least you guys are bonding, think it's sweet you put the times. Oh you have no idea the amount of pain I went through with you two, the labor probably lasted two days."
I look at the four boxes she has out, all baby pictures of Angel and I. She rubs her temples and smiles as she picks one of the pictures up. "I decided to go ahead and get a book done for you boys, been so behind."
She then looks back to me and gasps. "Oh wow Payton your hair."
"Yeah guess he wanted a new look." Angel says grinning. "I'm crushed mom, I changed mine too."
She looks at us both then chuckles lightly. "I was so focused on that tattoo I completely missed it. You both look nice, just in time too cause I want to take a professional family portrait."
Angel sits down at her other side and groans. "Oh no, anything but that."
I run a hand through my hair, the prickly feeling on the sides still pretty new to me. "I think we also may have both gotten hit on at the salon."
Mom raises her brows, surprised. "Oh really."
Angel gets to telling her and she just starts laughing. "Um…boys you're identical twins."
This catches the both of us and we look to each other confused. "Uh…so we're not fraternal?"
She shakes her head, laughing to herself. "No sweetie, doc said you guys were identical, same placenta."
Mom starts looking through the boxes, searching and searching then she digs in in the large case near her and out comes an old baby book. She flips through the pages and finally comes to a picture of what looks to be an ultrasound. "See," she points. "There's you Angel and there's you Payton, you see how it is right there, you guys shared a placenta."
"Dad always said we were fraternal." I say still amazed to find this out.
"Sweetie your dad is an awful listener." Mom sighs then caresses my cheek. "He also use to confuse you two all the time but I never did, I could always see your differences."
I can feel Angel's intense gaze on me as mom flips through the baby book, taking joy in just sharing with us something we haven't cared to really look at since we were younger. "You were always the fussier baby Pay and Angel you hated for me to wash your hair."
She stops talking after a while and simply looks through all the pictures, a smile on her face, the photos taking her back. I get up first and kiss mom goodnight and head upstairs. I'm pretty surprised but I guess it's not that shocking, I mean we're still twins just I guess a lot different from what I thought with the whole womb thing.
I take a quick shower then after apply the ointment we got from Lu. I look at my reflection in the mirror then and even though I've noticed little things before I guess it's something as an individual I would just tell myself that we don't look alike but we do, my face just a little rounder. The new haircut really suits me and I can't help but check myself out a bit. When Angel comes bounding up the stairs I slip into the bedroom since I forgot boxers and clothes. After drying off I'm about to put my clothes on when my phone starts ringing. "Hello."
"Hey can I come over now?"
"My mom's still up Donnie, how bout' I come over before work then we talk."
"I really wanted to see your face." He groans on the other end. "Really been missing you."
I lean my back against the closet door and sigh. "Didn't you break up with me 'cause of sex?"
"Well…yea but I know that was a mistake now, I miss you babe."
"Donnie if I told you that I'm not putting out would you still pursue me so hard?"
"Did I do something wrong Payton?" He asks in earnest in his voice. "Like all of a sudden you didn't want to have sex with me, like was it bad or something?"
It's really frustrating at this point and I just feel so annoyed. "Look Donnie it's not all about sex and you've done nothing, that's the problem. When I was going through something all you did was turn your back on me, and complain that we weren't together enough even though you know I have a job and my family who needs me."
"You never wanted to talk about it." He yells into my ear, clearly upset as well. "I'm trying to make peace and all you do is avoid me, if you don't want to be with me just let me know."
I bite my lip, feeling a little emotional. I really can't help it, I don't deal well with this sort of thing and besides it's new to me. I just want him to understand where I'm coming from and not keep pressuring me. "Donnie just try and understand, I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Fuck tomorrow, honestly Payton you're just so damn stuck up, I should of just asked your slut of a brother out, at least I wouldn't be in this mess waiting for you."
That surprises me and I don't know what to say but I'm beyond hurt and then to even throw Angel out there like that. It takes me some time to recover, the tears burning in my eyes, a lump in my throat that I swallow past. "Fuck you Donnie, I wish I had never met you."
I hit end call a few times then toss my phone away, slumping down and giving into the tears. What did I truly expect? He could never understand and I didn't want him to know everything, just wanted him to understand and be patient with me. Honestly I would have gotten back together with him simply because I really thought I liked him and thought he liked me too. I remember Robbie then and start really crying thinking to myself that he could end up the same way. Right now my mind is just focusing on all the negatives about myself and I just let it all out.
I'm so lost in all this that I realize suddenly that there's a warmth against me. I notice then that Angel's hugging me to him. He pulls me against him, stroking my hair. He starts then to softly sing into my ear, a song I remember him singing to me before on the island during storms or when I would just break down from thinking we would never be saved. I slowly start to settle down, trembling slightly but look up into his face.
He stops singing and looks me over, seeming quite worried. I want to say something, maybe tell him about what just happened but I just can't seem to talk. The way he looks at me though, it's like I'm the only person in the world, fully focused on me. I press against him and explore every detail of his face with my fingers, going over his lips before I kiss him. His lips are almost shocked but I roam mine delicately against them, loving the very feel, almost electrifying. He responds then and begins to deepen the kiss, one hand cradling the back of my head and the other rubbing small circles on my hip. I raise up slightly, placing my arms around his waist and shove my tongue into his wanting mouth, the heat making me blush. He moans softly into me and this further spurs me.
This is what's wrong with me, no matter what I tell myself I am clearly drawn to my brother.
It sadly feels so right but I know it's wrong.
I ignore all doubts about this and continue, kissing him in earnest. I move from his mouth down to his neck and attack it with an onslaught of kisses, licks and sucks. His grip on my hip tightens and he lets out another moan, controlling his volume. My whole member is screaming for attention and my body is burning up, it's driving me crazy. I come back to his mouth, suckling on his tongue, the small metal barb quite sensational. I trail my hands ever so slowly down his body, noticing like me his towel is the only thing he has on. Before I know it I'm gripping him in my hand, he arches slightly then immediately bolts up, away from me.
"No Pay I can't do this." He walks to the window, holding himself, a pained expression upon his face.
I'm confused as I come to my senses, feeling the tears again. "Did…I do something wrong Angel?"
He runs a hand through his hair, "Payton I'm the wrong one, I love you so much and at the same time I'm trying so hard to hold back. I don't want to hurt you again."
I get up from where I've been sitting and go to him. "I'm sorry Angel, I…feel like I'm taking advantage of you."
He looks to me and gets closer till his lips are on mine and I don't stop him. I gently bite his lip and lick his lip rings, pulling his body closer to me. At this point both our members are touching and the sensation of it is just amazing, my thoughts are only on this and I forget all about Donnie. He switches places with me and pins me against the dresser, he trails kisses all down my chest till he gets to my penis. He grips me and before I know what's happening his mouth is taking me in. It's so freaking hot and I can just feel my whole body become his, he sucks nice and slow, tongue trailing over the head. I bite my tongue to keep quiet, hoping mom stays downstairs. He works me over nice and slow and I'm panting at this point, my hands keeping steady by holding his head. It feels so amazing that I'm not sure how long I can last and at that point I make the mistake of looking down, and he locks eyes with me.
That gaze is just filled with so much love that it catches me. My hips bulk up and I'm losing myself in a rush of ecstasy. My legs suddenly feel so wobbly and I can barely stand so I lean my whole body onto the dresser.
Angel wipes his mouth, face inches from mine as he caresses my cheek. I realize then that he swallowed my cum, I open my mouth to say something but he simply silences me with a kiss and goes to the lock both doors. He leads me then to his bed and pulls me into it with him. I lay my head onto his chest, listening to his heartbeat.
I realize then that I've done nothing for him, he must have read my mind since he pulls me closer and leans to my ear. "It's okay Pay, I'm really content right now, you have no idea."
"I love you Angel, thanks for being by my side." I say slowly, my body tingling from the after effects.
He kisses my forehead. "Is that I love you Angel my brother or I'm in love with you?"
I look up into his eyes not sure if I'm ready to convey it in that way and he smirks. "Relax I'm teasing."
"I'm here for whenever you need me, you know I'll always be by your side, just don't push me away is all I ask."
I nod my head then entwine my pinky finger with his. "It's a pinky promise."
I awake in the night feeling slightly cold and needing to pee. I sit up and realize that I haven't put my clothes on, Angel's sleeping form next to me. After slipping on some boxers from the dresser, I go to the bathroom quickly. The whole thing from earlier is still fresh on my mind, as I was my hands I start to wonder if maybe I should just let him be the one. If I'm in love then it shouldn't matter the wrongs or rights, the only thing that should matter is my feelings and I don't think I should ignore them anymore or let shame get in the way. With that epiphany, I decide that tomorrow I'll talk to Angel and get all this sorted out. I'm about to return to the room when I hear faint voices coming from downstairs. Being careful, I slowly slip into the hall and go by the top of the stairs. Mom and dad seem to both be up and from the voice tone; the conversation is not a happy one. I stay out of sight but try to pick up some bits of what they're talking about as they go from room to room down there. The last time they fought was about the whole Melinda thing so I'm confused as to what could be the issue now.
"Beth stop pretending things are perfect when they aren't" Dad says, coldness in his voice and it seems he follows her to the living room.
She groans loudly and I hear a glass shatter. "Then leave Charlie, just leave since it's what you're good at. You have no idea how much I'm going through trying to keep things together for the boys and Melinda and my own mother."
"See that's what I'm talking about, you always make it seem like I don't contribute. Who pays the bills dammit?"
"You demanded I quit my job Charlie, you demanded this so don't go throwing that shit in my face." Mom nearly yells this but then controls her voice. "And don't give me that work bull, who's Sarah, Charlie?"
Dad makes some sort of sound then I hear something else break, mom-throwing things I presume. "She's my fucking co-worker, this jealous bitch thing has to stop Beth."
"Oh I bet you're fucking her."
With that said I slowly slip away, not wanting to hear any more of their talk. I get back to the room and climb back into the bed with Angel, trying hard to keep from crying. Could they actually get a divorce? Honestly, I've always thought my parents were content with each other, an occasional fight here and there but nothing serious besides the Melinda thing. A loud crash has me alarmed and Angel bolts awake, eyes looking around before settling on me.
"Mom and dad are fighting." I say slowly, looking towards the door.
He wipes his face a little, gets up, and slips on his boxers then returns back on the bed with me, and now the yelling. "What the hell are they fighting about?"
I bring my knees up to my chest and shrug, he hugs me to him then and we just sit there together. "Mom thinks dad's having an affair."
Angel nods slowly, fingers stroking through my hair. "I'm sure everything will be okay, I…hope."
When we hear another loud crash, Angel, I guess having had enough gets up and leaves the room. I follow behind him and before I know it he's holding mom back, who has a pan in her hand. The kitchen is a complete mess I note and dad's by the garage door with a suitcase in hand, disheveled hair and his face has a few scratches. I avoid the broken glass on the floor and go to where mom is as well.
"Everything's okay boys, I've got a trip to go on okay so look out for your mom and sister."
Angel looks to dad, an annoyed expression on his face. "Dammit we're not little ass kids anymore and you guys can't keep hiding shit from us."
Mom nudges him out the way, glaring at dad. "This is between me and your father so you boys go back to sleep."
"We can't." I almost scream, the tears already stinging my eyes. "You guys keep lying to us and then this happens."
Mom's tear stained face is on me now and she looks like she's just about to break. Dad looks from me to my brother then simply sighs. "I'll be back in the morning."
With that said he leaves out the door and mom just stares after him now, dropping the heavy pan to the floor. She crumples down, crying hysterically, repeatedly saying how sorry she is to us. Angel tries to calm her down but she is frantic and this goes on for I think an hour. I don't know what to say and can't stop looking to where dad once was.
Once she's settled down Angel leads her to her room while I clean up the mess that was made, he later returns to help. We head back up to our room then, the whole situation new to the both of us. The whole thing is just too much and I'm not too sure if our parents can move on from it. I don't know if dad is having an affair and I really just hope this is just a huge misunderstanding. Our parents aren't perfect but at the same time I just always thought they completed each other.
Neither of us get sleep that night and the next morning I'm beyond tired, a little cranky as well. My phone seems have been blowing up and that's when I remember Robbie wanting to give me a ride to work. I sadly ignore it and Angel and I head to work since he has to be at his job a little early to open up. Things are a little awkward right now and all I can think of is our parents.
Work is of course hectic due to the holidays and I'm beyond stressed out. Some customers prove that not only do they not care how much work I do to please them and their kids but are also rude. One of my coworkers Amy actually understand the pain I'm going through since she's been quite busy cleaning up after the mess the kids keep making. When lunchtime rolls around I go up to Angel's job and check to see if he's available. Hot Topic is just as crowded and from what I can tell he's super busy. I almost just walk out the story but he calls my name then assigns the register he's on to one of the nearby employees. He comes over to me and grabs my arm and we leave.
"Sorry it's been hectic but really wanted to have lunch together."
"I didn't want to bother."
He throws his arm about my shoulders and grins. "You could never be a bother besides I haven't taken my lunch so perfect timing."
This gives me some happiness considering how hard the day has been. We stop in the food court of course and decide strangely on the same place to go which is huge, since we really have different tastes, but I guess that sometimes we can be alike. After settling down at an empty table, I get to eating my food earnestly, Angel eating at a more slower pace.
"I take it work was hard." He says sipping his soda.
"I hate retail so much." I groan suddenly wishing I could have gotten this day off. After all that has happened last night I just don't really want to be here, but at the same time I don't want to be home either. When we left this morning for work mom was acting as if the incident hadn't occurred, it was just so freaking odd but at the same time so her to do. I keep thinking about it all during work, wondering if dad will truly come back. My parents are not like this, they have never so much as had a fight like that but things aren't the same as before we got stranded on the island.
"You can't trouble yourself with their issues." Angel says as if reading my mind but I guess it's pretty obvious I'm distant.
The sounds of the food court are loud, almost deafening but I hear suddenly my name called. I look up and sure enough, Robbie is coming my way, Robyn behind him. I give an awkward wave, feeling horrible then about ignoring his calls. Once they reach us, they both pull up chairs to the small table, Robbie choosing to sit closer to me.
"Hey tried calling you this morning."
I shrug nervously, shifting my eyes from Robbie to Angel. "Sorry was in a rush this morning to get here on time."
"What time are you off?"
"Uh…five but that's if they don't make me stay late."
"You guys want to go to the movies?" Robyn chimes in, glancing to the both of us. "Or if not there's this pool house that just opened up."
"I'm good." Angel says slowly as he finishes his food. "I have a bunch of stuff to do after work so will have to pass."
"Love your hair." Robbie comments then looks to Angel. "Who do you guys go to?"
Angel shrugs. "It was last minute."
Robyn nudges Robbie in his side. "Tell them."
"Tell us what?"
Robbie grins leaning onto the table on his forearms. "Look I was going to say something later but our family is sending us to this ski lodge up in Colorado for Christmas, we wanted to know if you guys wanted to be our guests."
We both look to each other and I'm not sure what to say. "Come on you guys have to go, if not it's just going to be and Robbie." Robyn whines, sitting back and crossing her legs. "Simon's in England and well Donnie…haven't heard from him."
"We have a lot going on but will let you know tomorrow."
Angel nods slowly then stands up and comes over to me, hugging my neck tightly. "Well I'll be taking my leave, need a cigarette break so you both take care of my little Pay Pay."
I lightly push him away, his teasing making me feel slightly better. "Let me know when you're off."
Once he leaves I get back to eating, Robbie going on about some new game coming out. Robyn suddenly catches my attention when she ask something about Angel. But due to me spacing out I only catch his name and I end up almost choking on my water. "Huh?"
"I asked was he seeing anyone."
Robbie pats me gently on the back. "She's been kinda obsessing over him for some time."
"Uh…um…I actually don't know." I admit shyly, glancing over to the Hot Topic. "Maybe ask him yourself."
She runs a hand through her newly dyed purple locks and groans. "I give him signals and stuff but he just doesn't seem to notice, and I'm always at the Hot Topic that he works at and still nothing. Am I just not his type?"
I shrug trying not to think about the fact that my brother is actually attracted and in love with me. I think what makes the situation worse now is that I'm actually not sure my feelings but I am drawn to him as well, my feelings are just so confusing though. I still have love for Martin but at the same time there's Angel.
"He use to go out with that one girl, Jenna I think her name was." Robbie mentions resting his arm on the back of my chair. "Maybe he still likes her."
Robyn rolls her eyes at Robbie and they continue their conversation about the issue as I just blank out of it all. I am so lost thinking about my feelings then there's the thing with my parents. It's like this year is just so complicating and you wouldn't think it was mere months ago we were on the island, trying to survive. Come to think of it so much has happened after the island that it just feels way more complicating; Angel's feelings, his attempted suicide, telling Martin I'm gay and confessing my feelings for him, my first boyfriend, my first time and oh so much. Just thinking about everything is exhausting and I must say I'm a little scared what the new year will bring with it. But one thing that I wanted to definitely insure once we got off is that I wouldn't live with regrets. Like no regrets at all and would live my life for me but I haven't been truthful to myself.
Determined I quickly leave from the table, giving them a brief goodbye, discard my trash and head to where Angel typically goes to have his smoke breaks. I hear Robbie call after me but don't stop, have to get some things off my chest before it's too late. Even though our parents are going through some things I just can't put up a barrier or run away again.
I go out the doors at the end, past the pretzel place and sadly don't see him. I walk further, looking frantically in the parking lot and still nothing. I'm about to just race to Hot Topic but I spot him in a rather secluded area and I'm about to go to him but quickly spot Sid. The two seem to be having a rather heated conversation; my brother pushes Sid out of his way and stomps out his cigarette. He's about to walk away when Side grabs him by the arm and kisses him, pinning him up against the wall. I don't stay to see much after that, not sure what I would say even.
Feeling defeated and embarrassed I head back to work, trying not to think about them together. I mean Sid actually could make Angel happy and he's probably a much better and safer choice as far as a partner goes. I'm his brother, his twin and besides that being wrong I just know it's not the same, I'm not the same. I finish my shift and since I've received no texts from Angel I go and sit on a bench near his job. I text him that I'm off and simply wait, most of the stores now closing but I think I remember him saying he had some work to do. He comes from the store then, pulling the gate close.
"I was just about to message you."
He looks me over and comes to sit down beside me. "You okay?"
I mean of course he knows something's bothering me but it really shouldn't even be bothering me. I've seen him and Sid in the act, I know their relationship isn't just work and I know Angel's always saying how he's in love with me but at the same time this still bothers me. "Ah…it's nothing."
"Come on Pay, if something's bothering you don't hide it from me."
I sigh and stare at the floor, the mall slowly shutting everything down, besides the movie theatre. "Um…it's just that I went to look for you before I went back to work."
He stares at me for some time then turns me to face him. "I take it you saw Sid."
I nod and he just grins, studying my face. "Are you jealous?"
My whole face must be red because I can just feel the heat reach my ears. "Uh…no, I just didn't…want to interrupt anything."
I move a little back from him and groan, confessing to him that I saw them kiss. This gets him grinning even more and it's like he finds this whole thing amusing. I get a little annoying and get up. "I'm going to the car."
He follows behind me, still amused and when we get to the car, I almost have to pinch him for him to stop. "It's not freaking funny Angel."
"Just tell me Pay did it make you jealous?" He leans closer to me, glint in his eyes. "If it made you jealous just tell me I'm not to kiss anyone besides you."
"Stop it Angel." I push him back to his side and buckle in my seatbelt, my heart pounding madly."
"All you have to say is that and I'm all yours." He caresses my cheek and leans into my ear, whispering. "I only really want your lips anyway."
I push him away again, the whisper sending tingles down my spine. "Please stop playing with me Angel."
"But I'm not, what you saw was him kiss me to be honest." He straps himself in and turns the key in the ignition. "If you would have stayed you would have seen me clearly hit him but guess not, oh and I quit as well."
This is news to me and I can't believe he's just said that. "You quit? What are you going to do now?"
"Relax; I was thinking of leaving anyway since y'know Sid but anyways I had go this job offer I've been meaning to tell you about."
I listen then on this new job, which is being Mr. Fox's assistant, and I'm almost surprised he chose Angel who skips class a lot but all in all it does make a little sense. I remember expressing to Fox how I wish Angel showed more interest in his future and such. Guess he decided this would benefit my troubled brother.
"He asked me before winter break but I just checked up with it this morning since he sent me another email." We pull out of the parking lot, Angel excited overall about the job. "I'm to help him at photoshoots and as well as stretch canvas for him and he's teaching me how to frame, should be fun. He got a studio last month so let me know if you want to continue some of your artistic projects, I'm picking up my set of keys tomorrow."
"Well now I'm jealous, you'll be working side by side with Fox." I laugh, Angel raising his brows to this. "Dude I've had the biggest crush on Fox since we started school."
"I'm hurt then and here I just thought you loved to be the teacher's pet." He pretends to cry then laughs a little.
"But that's awesome that you'll have the opportunity, at least you escaped retail."
He nods then and as we drown in the sounds of the radio and I can at least relax a little. Maybe I was jealous or I don't know unsure but either way I can't believe I just didn't let him know. I want to tell him though; at least he should be aware of how much things are changing with me. I realize I'm responsible for my own feelings, if Angel is affecting me it's only because of me. I know I can't just keep thinking these feeling are nothing and I also just can't keep hiding them. I love him and I'm tired of denying everything simply because I feel wrong by having these feelings. After all he's been through he does deserve to know, Angel's always been there for me and I can't keep doing this to him.
"I um…want to talk, later."
He glances to me and nods. "Hey if you want we can stop and get a pizza and chill in the park."
I agree to this and we stop at the little pizza place near the house and order a meat lovers then a two litter Sprite. We end up going to this park near our house, the place empty to my relief.
"Hey wait in the car for a second okay?" Angel says quickly when we park and I'm now curious as to what he's planning.
"Um…okay." I wait in the car as he grabs the pizza and soda and leaves from the car. I hear him come back later, open the trunk, and leave again. A few more minutes pass and he gets me from the car, hands going over my eyes.
"Okay no peeking and promise me you won't think I'm a dork for this."
"I promise," I say slowly.
I let me lead me, the cold night air against my face. It's a short walk and he takes his hands from my eyes, revealing the setup he has. I almost gasp but catch myself, not sure at all if he was planning this all along today or not. Near a shaded clearing, he has laid out this Nightmare before Christmas throw blanket which I assume he got from work, two battery powered lanterns and another throw. The pizza sitting close by with the bottle of soda but near them is a Hot Topic bag. I sit hesitantly down, Angel excitedly sitting next to me.
"Wow…um…were you planning this all day?"
Angel grins and nods his head. "I um…figured you would have a hard day then y'know our parents so I wanted to do something special for you."
I'm thankful that it's dark out so he won't see my blushing face, I just don't know how to feel right now but happy. He definitely succeeded in cheering me up, I mean honestly anything with him would have cheered me up. He hands me the bag and bundles up close to me. "I got these before I went on my lunch break, um…just little things I've noted you've liked in Hot Topic oh and went to Barnes and Noble and got this book I thought you might like."
"You really didn't have to do all that." I look away from his gaze then back at him, accepting the bag of things.
"I know Pay but I don't know doing things for you really makes me happy, plus we're celebrating y'know."
We start eating then and Angel goes on about how excited he is to be starting on this new path and learning what he's about to. All the while I'm listening a little but my mind keeps going tell him already and such. He really didn't have to do any of this for me, I'm already his, doesn't he notice this? I can't deny that before I would never even consider saying what I'm about to say but I need to be true to myself and he's suffered enough. I lean then closer to Angel and he looks down to me, brows raised.
"Sorry, I forgot you wanted to talk right?"
I bite my bottom lip and sigh, looking away from him. "I don't know how to say this but I'm really sorry about pushing you away so much and causing all your conflicts. I really hate that I hadn't realized sooner…that these feelings, these feelings can't be ignored and I finally…understand what you were going through."
My eyes lock onto his and I take his hands in mine. "I'm in love with you Angel, like I can't get you out of my head and really don't want to deny you any longer. I know when you asked could I see you as not my brother and really I can't but at the same time I do see you as a lover." I pause, take a deep breath and hope my heart calms down. "I finally can see it, what we have is special and I don't want to ignore my feelings any longer. I want you to know how much I love you and I won't run away, I don't care anymore about what's right or what's wrong cause I want you to forever be by my side."
There I said it all, I don't know why I couldn't figure things out sooner. I feel the tears fall down and I just know now how awful I must look, all red and now crying. How embarrassing and then to wait so long, my flip-flop heart.
He kisses then each of my tears, then my forehead, hands on my face. "Payton I don't really know what to say since you already know how I feel about you, but you have no idea how happy I am to hear you return my feelings."
I press my body against his and kiss his lips, hugging his neck as he responds. The kiss is nice and slow and I can feel his tongue work its way into my mouth, delicately sliding along mine. I feel him grip my hair and take the kiss deeper and it's clear he's very much aroused. I bite lightly down on his bottom lip and attack his mouth with mine again, my whole body on fire. At some point, we end up on the ground, Angel over me now as he starts kissing and sucking on my neck, hand slowly trailing along my stomach. I pull his face back to mine and kiss that wanting mouth and its then that I notice the pulsating feeling near my thigh, I reach my hand down and grip it through his jeans. He breaks the kiss and looks down then back to me before grabbing my hand and kissing it. I watch him sit up on his knees, his own face tinged pink.
"Uh…before we um…get too carried away lets go."
"Aren't you…um cold?"
It didn't occur to me while we were making out the cold since my body is just so hot. My groin is practically screaming and I actually don't care that we are here in public in the park. In addition, it's just a little chilly, not that bad where you're freezing your butt off. "Um…no, not really."
He looks around then gets up. "Uh…well don't want you getting sick."
"Is something wrong Ang?"
There's a long silence, our gazes steadily on one another then stuffs his hands into his pockets. "Look Pay I love you and I'm really trying to control myself but ugh…well after what I did before I'm just trying not to do it again."
I tense up and bite my bottom lip, that moment I'm taken back to that time in our bedroom when he entered me. "Uh…none of that matters anymore Ang, I trust you."
"I don't trust myself." He kneels back down near me but not so close anymore. "Like I don't want to pressure you or scare you away after I've come so far."
I kiss Angel then and look into his eyes. "I'm okay Ang and um…I'm not a virgin so you don't have to consider everything as if I am." I think then about my brother a bit and it occurs that I don't really know his preference, when it came to Donnie I was always the top simply because I felt I wasn't ready to take him. "Um…are you more of a top or bottom?"
"I'm whatever." Angel admits, blushing even more. "Uh…but yeah we don't have to discuss sex or get into all that, let's just keep things simple okay Pay. I love you and I will wait till you're comfortable with things."
"But I am comfortable; just let me know what you'd rather prefer."
He stands back up and clears his throat. "Yeah um… later."
I don't know what comes over me but I kneel before him and grab at his studded belt, proceeding to undo it. This has him surprised and he tries to stop me. "Pay what are you doing?"
"Stop I want to do this."
He slowly stops fighting and I drag his pants slightly down until his boxers are facing me, that unmistakable bulge growing ever so quickly until it's pitched. "Um…I've never done this before but uh…just keep that in mind."