See previous for disclaimer

Gentle hands everywhere

"Caroline"

Soft touches

"Caroline!"

A kiss from paradise...

"Caroline, wake up. Kowara-san is on the phone."

The first thing i noticed waking up was the disgusting after-taste of alcohol lingering in my mouth. The headache followed soon after.

Must have been one of those nights.

I rolled over, groggily searching for my cell phone. My husband just looked on, by now he knew better than to question.

"Here, it must be pretty important if she's calling you at nine in the morning."

Shit. Nine o'clock.

"Must be."

I loosly tied my robe and went down to the kitchen to get some coffee.

"Hello Kowara-san, what can I do for you?"

"Caroline, we have an emergency."

Everything was an emergency when it came to my former agent.

"Caroline, you there?"

"Yes, I'm here. What's the emergency?"

I felt myself finally start to relax as the smell of coffee began to fill the room.

"It's the International Couture showing in Paris, one of their girls broke her ankle. They've asked us to provide a replacement model!"

I did sit up a little straighter at this. Usually our agency sticks to the national business, very rarely do we get petitioned for an international job. I had done quite a few towards the end of my modeling career, but never anything as big as the Couture show in Paris.

"That's great Kowara-san! Who are you thinking about using? I think Himeko would be a good choice, she's got a look that would fit in well with the French models. Or maybe Yuki?"

"Himeko already has a shoot scheduled, and Yuki doesn't have the overseas experience she would need. All my other models are either already scheduled or don't have enough experience. Please Caroline, you know I wouldn't ask this of you unless I thought it was really important."

I couldn't help but sigh.

"Kowara-san--"

"--and of course everything would be paid for--"

"Kowara-san--"

"--a nice place to stay, transportation, meals. You'd even get a nice interview with some of the fabulous designers--"

"Kowara-san!"

I heard her pause and take a deep breath over the phone. I just poured myself a cup of coffee, already prepared to give my answer.

"Please Caroline, this could be just the chance this agency needs to be promoted to more international jobs. And you are the best one to do it!"

"Kowara-san, I'm sorry, but I'm retired. I'm not a model anymore. I'm not even sure I'd be the right size for it anymore!"

That was a lie. I had hardly gained any weight, and she knew it.

"Caroline, you haven't gained a pound since you were a model, and I'm sure you hadn't since long before then. You've got just the right look for Couture, you're the only one who can do it!"

Once again I let out a deep sigh, only to tense up once my husband came down the stairs. It was the same routine day after day. He would pour himself some coffee, get the newspaper, come over to kiss me on the cheek, then settle himself down in front of our 72 inch flat screen. As I gathered my thoughts, I watched him do just that.

"I'm sorry Kowara-san, but I really have to decline. I'm sure you can find someone, and you know at least one photo shoot will be cancelled between now and then. And I really think you're underestimating Yuki. Once again, I apologize."

"Alright Caroline, I understand you're busy with your new husband, but please, if you change your mind, call me."

Busy, right. That's the exact opposite of what I am nowadays.

"I will, but don't count on the call. Thank you very much for the opportunity."

"Goodbye Caroline"

"Bye"

I closed my phone and let out the breath I hadn't realized I was holding. It was ridiculous, I couldn't go back to modeling whenever I felt like it. I was supposed to be retired, finally able to start a family.

Whether I wanted to or not.

As he went back upstairs to get ready, I just clutched the phone to my chest, daydreaming as I often do now.

What if I did take the job. I never really wanted to retire, did I? I loved modeling.

It made me feel closer to him...

"What did Kowara-san want?"

I looked up to see my husband descending the stairs, dressed and ready for work.

"She just asked me to take an international job."

Please just drop it.

He stopped and looked at me with a critical face.

"Caroline, we talked about this. I was going to work during the day and you would have the chance to stay home once we started a family. There's no reason why the two of us should work, my company brings in more than enough profit. You don't need to worry about it, alright?"

"I wasn't planning on taking the job. I understand what you're saying, you've said it all before. Don't be so quick to criticize what I've done before you even know what I did."

He put his hands up in what he thought was a placating gesture. Instead, it just made me more upset.

"Alright, alright. We won't talk about it again, would that be better?"

Always so quick to give in...

He took my hands in his and brought me into a quick kiss.

Inside I was seething in anger and confusion.

I know I shouldn't feel this way but damnit, there are some things that he keeps avoiding, that need to be said!

...that should have already been said.

"I'll see you after work alright? I might be a little late, so don't wait up."

"See you then."

He gave me one last kiss as he went out the door.

How is it that someone who claims to love you can know so little about you?

I continued my "new" normal routine as usual. Finish up my coffee on the patio, go back upstairs to get ready.

For nothing.

But I got ready nonetheless, I'm sure it's mostly because of old habits. After putting on one of the better things my husband had bought me, I went back downstairs and tried to figure out what to do with myself for the rest of the day. Now that my career was over, there wasn't anywhere in particular I had to be, and no one I really had to see or impress. So for the time being I just sat down in the living room, thinking.

Miwako would be busy at Happy Berry i'm sure, but I might be able to catch her for lunch. Maybe even Arashi would join us. He'd become increasingly more paranoid as her due date approached. I can't blame him though, everyone was so worried when she became pregnant. She's so tiny, I don't know how she can carry a baby, but she's made it this far and it doesn't look like she's going to slow down now.

I laughed to myself thinking of how humorous it was to see a tiny pink haired girl with a giant belly toddling around. If I didn't know better, I'd say she was having twins, as big as her stomach was. I laughed again at the thought, then stopped suddenly.

I was startled by how quiet a house could be with no one in it. Resolved, I once again grabbed my cell phone to call up Miwako. I absently walked outside, anything to get away from that house.

"Hello, Miwako-chan?"

"Ah! Caroline!"

"Miwako-chan, how are you feeling?"

"Oh Miwako is fine! Arashi-kun was very lovey dovey last night. How is the newly retired Caroline?"

After all these years it still makes me feel warm inside that she never broke the habit of using third person.

At least something has remained a constant.

"It's quite dull actually, there seems to be nothing to do."

"Poor Caroline! Miwako would like very much to meet Caroline for lunch and cheer her up."

I laughed, I know I can always count on Miwako-chan.

"That's actually what I was calling you about. This house is too quiet, and it feels like it's been forever since I've seen you or Arashi."

"Miwako is sorry, but Miwako is afraid Arashi-kun can't go to lunch today. Arashi-kun is busy recording a new single with his band until one o'clock."

I heard the disappointment in her voice and hurried to reassure her.

"That's fine, that's fine. It's been awhile since we've had some girl time, anyways. What time is good for you?"

"Hmmm...Miwako can get a nice long break at 11:30. Is that too early for Caroline?"

"No, no. Not at all. Nothing's too early. Would you like to meet somewhere?"

"Well...if Caroline wouldn't mine, Miwako has been craving something with katsuobushi all morning!"

I smiled, "That sounds perfect Miwako-chan. Would the cafe by the old library work?"

"Miwako would like that very much! Miwako will meet Caroline there at 11:30!"

"Alright Miwako-chan, I'll see you then. Ja!"

"Bye bye!"

I hung up the phone, smiling in my nostalgia. I think that's one of the reasons I love talking to Miwako-chan and Arashi-kun. I know them, and they know me more than anyone else. They've been with me through everything. Everytime I laughed it was usually because they were there, and everytime I cried I know they weren't far from comforting me. And when he left and I--

Just stop it. Don't think about it.

I glanced around. I had found my way back into the living room again. I stared at the silent house, partly wishing something would make a noise, partly wishing it would just stay silent. It was unfamilliar and cold. There were so many things wrong with it, and yet it once fit my "perfect dream home" description. What had changed? Was it me?

Am I finally waking up from my self-induced dream?

I took one last glance before stepping out the door. The maid's would be there soon enough to start work, and Rouji, my driver, would be coming home from his vacation time today. Things will get better. This house will soon be bustling with noise, and the setting will grow more familliar. Everything will be alright.

So many times I've said that before.

Maybe this time I'll begin to believe it.