MMPP: If you read my other story, Sex in Words, do not fret. I'm working on it and will update it in... a few days. Otherwise, this is just a story idea that popped into my head. It's another letter-fic.
Some places are real, but not the name of the high school.
Enjoy?
linebreakertryingtogotosleepbutwroteinsteadandnowimotsleepyohwellivebeenwarpingmysleepscheduletoomuchanyways
Loserscopes
(The daily horoscope for losers who know they're being fed crap.)
Monday, November 11, 2007
Virgo (August 23 to September 23)
Today is going to suck. So, get ready for it to suck.
It could be worse, though.
You could be dead.
!!MOTHERLY MEMOS!!
Harvey,
The power went out overnight, so that is why your alarm clock didn't go off. I sent your older brother, Weston, to set your alarm clock, but he might have gotten lost or distracted because you didn't wake up at 6:30 this morning to go to school.
It is currently 6:32 in the morning, so I am placing this note on top of your head. Please wake up, discard this note in the paper recycling bin, and go to the bathroom to begin your morning routine. Also, today is your turn to feed Mr. Lollapalooza.
With love of a thousand kittens (hopefully that Mr. Lollapalooza didn't help create),
Your mother
Weston's Whimsical Words
I forgot to set your alarm clock, but I did try to get Mr. Lollapalooza (why don't we ever give him a nickname? You know how long it takes to write "Mr. Lollapalooza"?) to go into your room and wake you up, but he apparently had better things to do than care for us humans, who give him a freaking home and food to eat, and went off into the backyard.
Oh. And you have to feed him today.
And Gwen says she wants her markers back. Buy your own markers, punk.
CRIME REPORT:
Reporter: Gweneth Quinn
Time: Uh… I don't know. There's no clock around, but it's freaking early.
Crime: Harvey still has my markers that he borrowed a month ago, saying he was going to use them for "five minutes."
Suspect: There is no suspect. I know Harvey still has them.
Punishment: My markers must be given back to me. And maybe Harvey can die or something.
Notes: Seriously, I need them back.
The Chronicles
File #: 491
Date and time: November 11, 2007; 7:02 AM
After feeding Mr. Lollapalooza his favorite brand of organic food, Newman's Own Organics, I went to the bathroom and began my morning routine, which goes as following:
Morning Routine:
- Turn on the lights in my bathroom, making sure only two light bulbs of the four at the top of my mirror go on, as to prevent blinding myself at such early hours
- Go to the bathroom (details of this action are slightly obscene, so they will be omitted)
- Fill my green glass with water and turn off sink, in order to limit my amount of water intake
- Squeeze toothpaste (from the bottom) onto orange toothbrush
- Dunk toothbrush into glass of water exactly three times
- Commence to brushing the bottom half of my mouth
- Dunk my toothbrush one more time into the glass of water to moisten the fibers and create suds with the toothpaste
- Return to toothbrush-ing until clean, with occasional gargling
- Discard remainder of water, if any, and clean toothbrush
- Turn off all lights and leave the bathroom to return to assigned bedroom
- Place on glasses. UPDATE: Gweneth has informed me that my thick, black, plastic-rimmed glasses are stylish now, not for their physical endurance but for their appearance.
- Read daily horoscope and brace myself for future events
- Read any memos. UPDATE: Now that I have given each specific family member their own stationery to write their memos on, it is much easier to differentiate whose note is whose and read them by importance (i.e. Motherly Memos are read first.)
- Exchange "Bedtime Apparel" for "Daily Apparel"
- Comb hair
- Leave bedroom and proceed to enter the kitchen
- ON REFRIGERATOR: Read any "Crime Reports" and/or "Whiteboard Announcements"
- Prepare breakfast, consisting of one cup of Honey Oats cereal and one-fourth of a cup of two-percent milk, Market Pantry brand (from Target). UPDATE: Due to the economic recession occurring in the United States, Mother has ventured into finding different (and obviously cheaper) brands of food.
- Eat breakfast.
- Engage in witty conversation with family members. NOTE: Because the power went out, everyone was rushing their schedule in order to remain on time, so no witty conversation today, but morning greetings were uttered albeit quickly.
- Place breakfast bowl and silverware in the sink for washing
- Don on shoes and side-backpack at front door
- Wait with siblings for Mother to realize it's time to go at 7:00 AM
- Leave house and enter PT-cruiser, in which Weston sits in the passenger seat next to Mother while Gweneth and I sit in the back (I sit on the right)
- Hurriedly wave our farewells to Father as he enters his burgundy Saturn with complimentary silver rim
- Get driven to Palmer High School, where siblings and I will proceed to go to our classes
ATTENTION STUDENTS:
In case you haven't been watching the news, there have been weather reports indicating that a hurricane, Hurricane Brenda, is coming for Florida and may hit our beloved city, Sunrise! So, for your own benefit and safety, please remind your parents to go out and buy your emergency equipment!
Emergency Equipment to Buy for Hurricanes:
flashlights
matches
batteries: AA, AAA, D
candles (scented candles work too!)
portable radio
WATER (contrary to popular belief, lovely students, a hurricane will not provide you much water)
plywood to protect your doors and windows
first aid kit
prescription medicine
extra set of car keys (but students, don't try to drive through the water)
change of clothing and shoes (try to keep them dry)
Take care, lovely students!
Principal Maria Gonzalez
A Forbidden Note by Hiroshi Kagoshima
Thanks for the stationery, Harvey. I'll try to remember to use these instead of regular notebook paper, but if I forget, then hit me with a ruler or something.
Anyways, just wanted to ask you if you did the English homework over the weekend? I forgot what we had to do, so I'm going to try to do it in 2nd-block.
The Thoughts of Harvey Quinn
You're welcome. I'm tired of having to figure out who wrote what, so I made stationery. It took awhile for my family to agree to this change, but they gave in.
You should have done your English homework! Why didn't you do it?
And we had to fill out that survey (on another sheet of paper, of course) we got on Friday.
A Forbidden Note by Hiroshi Kagoshima
READ THIS PART!!
I don't want to waste paper, so I'm just writing in the free space of this thing.
I just forgot to do the English, okay? And WHAT survey? When the hell did we get a survey?
The Thoughts of Harvey Quinn
Mr. Langston gave it to us on Friday. It was a survey on our personality since we're starting that "Help a Freshman Survive High School" program in our school. We have to fill out surveys so the freshmen can pick someone they can "trust" and "get along with."
A Forbidden Note by Hiroshi Kagoshima
NOW READ THIS PART!!
That's bullshit! Why should I be judged by some measly kid? What, like I'm just so unworthy of them? I'm not filling out a survey!
…Is the survey a grade?
The Thoughts of Harvey Quinn
Yes. The whole program is a grade, Hiro.
…You don't have the survey, do you?
A Forbidden Note by Hiroshi Kagoshima
LOOK DOWN HERE!!
Damn program. And no, I don't. Can I borrow yours?
The Thoughts of Harvey Quinn
Let me just read it first, just so I know it's correct. Okay?
A Forbidden Note by Hiroshi Kagoshima
SURE!!
(I couldn't think of another warning, so I just answered in caps. I'm just so smart!)
HELP A FRESHMAN SURVIVE HIGH SCHOOL
Remember your freshman year?
Remember how everything was just so new to you?
Remember being lost, knowing no one, and wishing you had a guide?
Well, you survived, didn't you?
But that shouldn't stop you from helping a new freshman out survive the rest of their high school year! As a generous student, you will become a form of "peer counselor" for a freshman, but first…
You got to tell us all about you!
Note from Mr. Langston: This is also a grade.
What is your name?
Harvey Ashby Quinn
What is your gender?
Male.
What is your favorite color?
It's a split tie between "Razzmatazz" and "Tyrian Purple."
When and where were you born?
I was born on September 13, 1990 at the Broward General Hospital, which is located in Ft. Lauderdale.
What grade are you in and how old are you?
I'm in the eleventh grade and I am seventeen years old.
What is your eye color? hair color? height?
Green. Dark brown. I'm 5'9".
If any, how many and what kind of pets do you have?
I have one cat named Mr. Lollapalooza (I didn't name him). Technically speaking, I also have a rabbit (Lord Maxwell) and a turtle (Frank), but they belong to my younger sister and older brother, accordingly. Both Lord Maxwell and Frank sleep in the living room with Mr. Lollapalooza and are considered to be the entire family's pets, but well… it's hard to explain.
Who is your best friend?
Hiroshi Kagoshima.
What are some of your hobbies (or things you enjoy doing)?
I like to read, do calligraphy, write observations, make lists, collect glass bottles and jars, play Scrabble, learn Spanish, letterbox, play The Dictionary Game, pick up the phone and count the seconds of how long the dial tone lasts until The Robotic Telephone Lady starts speaking (the average, so far, is 17.2 seconds), listen to my friend Hiroshi Kagoshima talk to his parents in Japanese, and jogging.
Did you enjoy your freshman year?
It was a fair year.
What kind of books and/or magazines do you read?
I enjoy reading biographies, psychology books, history books, social analysis of time periods and/or countercultures, How-to books, guides to anything, books on Etiquette, dictionaries, mystery novels, recipe books, horoscope books, philosophical musings of certain individuals, newspapers, and some art magazines.
How would you describe yourself as a person?
I would describe myself fondly, but would try to be fair in portraying my personality well, unless of course it is a trait I am ashamed of.
List three things you would change about yourself.
My birthday (I would prefer to be born November 4), my metabolism (I'm a little too skinny—but not a skeleton either!), and my lack of ability to have good hand-eye coordination.
What is the last CD you bought?
I have never bought CDs actually. They have all been given to me.
What is the last movie you saw in theatres?
Hiroshi tricked me into watching "Clerks II," and I will never see it again.
What is your greatest fear?
I'm deathly afraid of heights.
What is your greatest strength? weakness?
I am very organized. I am very organized.
What is your favorite season and why?
Autumn, solely for the fact that it has two possible names to refer it to. I can't really tell the difference between seasons considering I live in Florida, where "summer" dominates over all.
What is your favorite day of the week and why?
Wednesday. Many good things have happened to be on Wednesday—and I like how it's spelled too.
What type of music do you listen to?
Hiroshi is usally the one that introduces me to music, so lately it's been industrial and/or heavy metal, with the occasional techno. My mother always plays opera and classical music in the house. I listen to anything that is playing, really.
Do you have any siblings? If so, how many?
I have two siblings, a younger sister (Gweneth) and an older brother (Weston.)
Thank you!
Your freshman buddy will contact you in two days!
A Forbidden Note by Hiroshi Kagoshima
THIS SPOT!!
Dude… You sound so weird in your survey, but hey… since we're not doing much today in art, can you edit mine? Thanks.
The Thoughts of Harvey Quinn
Sure.
HELP A FRESHMAN SURVIVE HIGH SCHOOL
Remember your freshman year?
Remember how everything was just so new to you?
Remember being lost, knowing no one, and wishing you had a guide?
Well, you survived, didn't you?
But that shouldn't stop you from helping a new freshman out survive the rest of their high school year! As a generous student, you will become a form of "peer counselor" for a freshman, but first…
You got to tell us all about you!
Note from Mr. Langston: This is also a grade.
What is your name?
Hiroshi Kagoshima. I have no middle name, so back off.
What is your gender?
Male.
What is your favorite color?
The color of water.
When and where were you born?
The transformation of fetus to human occurred at: Tokyo, Japan on March 14 on a Thursday. Yeah, you read it. I'm Japanese, PUNK.
What grade are you in and how old are you?
Grade: 11. Age: 16.
What is your eye color? hair color? height?
(Why do you care…?)
Eyes: Dark brown. Hair: Black as your soul. Height: 170.18 cm (5'7")
If any, how many and what kind of pets do you have?
I have one dog, a Chiba Inu, and her name is Daisy because we let my stupid little sister name her, but whatever. I still love her. Daisy. Not my sister.
Who is your best friend?
Harvey Quinn. He may look fragile and act weird, but he'll put you in your PLACE.
What are some of your hobbies (or things you enjoy doing)?
I like to film things, make wood figures, paint, poke Harvey in the cheek, say the word "PUNK!" after things, make fun of Asian stereotypes and have other people get uncomfortable because I'm Asian, eat, breathe, sleep, and play with Daisy.
Did you enjoy your freshman year?
I don't remember my freshman year…
What kind of books and/or magazines do you read?
I read the books I have to read for school even though they suck and the newspaper, Japanese and English. I don't read manga. Me being Japanese means nothing, people. So stop asking me. HOWEVER, for twenty bucks, I'll translate one for you! Wait. Damn it. Then technically I do read them… Well, whatever. WILLINGLY. I don't read them WILLINGLY… unless I'm paid. WHATEVER.
How would you describe yourself as a person?
Why don't you just try to get to know me, you lazy prick?
List three things you would change about yourself.
Talk about trying to get me to stab my own self esteem. What if I think I'm fine just the way I am? Huh? Ever think of that, punk?
What is the last CD you bought?
"Year Zero" by Nine Inch Nails.
What is the last movie you saw in theatres?
Clerks II.
What is your greatest fear?
Failing in life.
What is your greatest strength? weakness?
I am smart, I guess. My weakness? Milk. Curse you, lactose intolerance!
What is your favorite season and why?
Summer. Because Florida refuses to have me love anything else but.
What is your favorite day of the week and why?
Thursday. It's fun to say "THURsday."
What type of music do you listen to?
Industrial rock, heavy metal, classical music, some techno, afro-punk, and uh… old school hip-hop, yo.
Do you have any siblings? If so, how many?
I have a younger sister, Emiko, and a younger brother, Otonashi. They are twins and the spawns of Satan. Don't let them fool you with their cute, childlike ways…
Thank you!
Your freshman buddy will contact you in two days!
The Thoughts of Harvey Quinn
It was… interesting, to say the least.
A Forbidden Note by Hiroshi Kagoshima
HERE!!
Don't judge me.
The Chronicles
File #: 492
Date and time: November 11, 2007; 8:30 AM
While in 2D Composition Art class, the girl next to Hiroshi finally exclaims, slamming her pencil next to her picture of a horse, which isn't the best horse I've seen drawn.
"Okay! What is with you two?" She points at our stationery. "Like, seriously, guys. You're at the same freaking table. Why don't you just simply talk instead of write out everything you're saying?"
"Well, girl of whom I do not know," Hiroshi answers. "I was in a confidential discussion, concerning terrorism and all the like."
"Yeah, well, it's annoying."
"You're annoying us with your comments."
"And it's also rude, you know. I mean, I'm sitting right next to you, having to watch you and your friend exchange notes. It's an awkward feeling."
Feeling slightly sympathetic, since I too have had to be around gossiping friends without given the permission to join, I asked, "Well, what is your name?"
"Me?"
"No," Hiroshi rolls his eyes. "The imaginary pink unicorn sitting right next to you. At least, he's polite."
"My name is Ginger."
"Hello Ginger," I greeted. "I'm Harvey Quinn."
"And you?" She turned to Hiroshi, who answered bluntly, "Hiroshi Kagoshima."
Ginger is now part of our conversations in art class, so I suppose Hiro and I will simply be writing notes to each other in AP English. However, I did volunteer to give Ginger some stationery if she so pleased, but she declined.
"I'm a slow writer," she said.
For a physical examination, it was asserted that Ginger has strawberry-blonde hair and blue eyes. The top of her cheeks have freckles, but are hidden beneath a pair of thin, metal black-rimmed glasses. Her face could be considered cute, at least average, with a button-nose, almond-shaped eyes, and full lips. Her hair is straight, long (just past her elbow), and she has bangs that cut off just before her glasses.
"What's he writing down?" Ginger whispered to Hiro.
"He's probably writing down what you're saying, what you look like, and probably are like, which he'll end up typing up when he gets home."
"That's… kind of creepy."
"Eh, you get used to it. Pretty convenient, though. If he forgot what happened one day, all he has to do is pop up his files and BAM! Memory recovered."
"Well, uh," Ginger frowns awkwardly, stretching most of her mouth to the far right and furrowing her brows. "Don't say bad things about me, okay?"
"I just write down what happens," I assure her.
"Oh. Okay. In that case, you should probably mention that I'm wearing this yellow shirt because there wasn't anything else clean to wear. I hate yellow."
Hiro, who spoke for me, then asked, "Then why do you have a yellow shirt?"
"I had to be the 'yellow' in a human rainbow one time."
Hiro and I simply stared, but soon accepted this bit of information. Hiroshi then took out his hand and shook Ginger's, welcoming her into our friendship. Ginger shrugged.
Gweneth's Gregarious Greetings
HARVEY! OMG! YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO ME IN LUNCH TODAY! I WAS EATING, RIGHT? AND THEN THIS GUY WAS LAUGHING AND STUFF AND BEING ALL NORMAL, RIGHT? ALL OF SUDDEN THE GUY STARTS CHOKING ON HIS HOTDOG AND SHIT AND I TOTALLY DID THAT MOVE THAT STARTS WITH AN H ON HIM AND LIKE SAVED HIM!
AND I KNOW YOU HATE IT WHEN I WRITE IN ALL CAPS, BUT IF WE WERE SPEAKING, I'D BE YELLING.
I AM A HERO!
SEE YOU AFTER SCHOOL!
APES:
Fellow APES,
Turn in your surveys to Hillary.
If you don't know who Hillary is, she is the girl wearing white tights.
Don't bribe Hillary into lying about any surveys turned in. I will know who didn't.
-Mr. Langston
A Forbidden Note by Hiroshi Kagoshima
So I hear your sister totally saved one of her kind.
The Thoughts of Harvey Quinn
She saved some guy in lunch, who was choking on a hot dog. She's very proud of herself.
A Forbidden Note by Hiroshi Kagoshima
READ HERE!!
Yeah, but she saved a freshman, one of her kind. She's going to be, like, the Messiah to the freshmen now.
The Thoughts of Harvey Quinn
That's stupid… She just saved some guy.
A Forbidden Note by Hiroshi Kagoshima
NOW READ HERE!!
Ask the Dictionary.
The Dictionary Game
Rules:
Ask a question, any question.
Take a dictionary and (without looking) flip to a random page
Take your finger and let it guide you to a word
Press your finger down and look at what word you picked (or definition of a word)
Read the word and its definition
Manipulate this newfound knowledge to answer your question
Repeat if desired
Question:
Will Gweneth become the Messiah of the Freshmen?
Word:
Fascist: n. member of Italian or similar political party aiming at the overthrow of communists, radicals, etc., by violence, and of strong rule of dictator.
Possible Answer:
My sister is going to take over the freshmen class.
A Forbidden Note by Hiroshi Kagoshima
OH MY GOD!!
YOUR SISTER IS TOTALLY GOING TO RULE THE FRESHMEN. I KNEW IT.
The Thoughts of Harvey Quinn
NO! Maybe… maybe the dictionary is wrong! Let me ask again!
The Dictionary Game
Question:
Will Gweneth become the Messiah of the Freshman?
Word:
mosque: n. Islamic place of worship
Possible Answer:
The freshmen will worship my sister.
A Forbidden Note by Hiroshi Kagoshima
THEY'RE GOING TO WORSHIP HER!!
WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED?
The Thoughts of Harvey Quinn
…Great.
A Forbidden Note by Hiroshi Kagoshima
ACTUALLY!!
If you think about it, the Dictionary is telling us that your sister is going to turn into the next Adolf Hitler… Shit. We gotta tell Jeremy man. He's totally Jewish.
A Makeshift Note by Jeremy Because He Refuses to Buy Stationery Paper
I'm not going to die.
The Chronicles
File #: 493
Date and time: November 11, 2007; 2:12 PM
"Dude," Hiroshi gasped. "It makes sense. Your sister is Adolf Hitler, I'm Japan, you're American, Jeremy's Jewish, and Weston is totally going to be neutral like he always is like Switzerland! Which can only mean one thing…"
"You're insane?" I mused.
"No, but close." Hiroshi gesticulated as he spoke. "There's going to be a School War!"
"I'm not participating in this."
"That's what the Americans said until Japan bombed their ass. I'm after you, Harvey. WATCH OUT."
"Yeah, but then America bombed Japan back."
"…That's not the point."
"I don't want to bomb you!"
Hiroshi shrugged, "Hey, hey… This is just our fate. We can't control this."
"You guys," Jeremy interrupted, putting down his book, The Great Gatsby, down, "are nuts."
"Are we nuts or are we geniuses?"
"Nuts."
!!MOTHERLY MEMOS!!
Harvey,
There is a family of new neighbors next door to us and I spoke to them while I was here in my lunch break. Loving parents and an only son, who is around your age, about to turn seventeen. Go visit him after school if you haven't noticed him while walking home.
Also, read the note from your father.
With love of two goats,
Your mother
FATHER'S FOREIGN FORETELLINGS
The kid's name is Jake.
Things I Learned about Jake Donnelly:
- His name is not Jacob, but simply "Jake," which is a derivative of Jacob
- His birthday is December 2
- He doesn't like to clean his room, but doesn't like to live like a slob.
- I'm the first guy he's ever met with the name "Harvey."
- He likes to have "fun," but has yet to specify what "fun" is.
- He's going to be in my AP English class starting tomorrow when he attends school.
- He likes to watch me write and is currently watching me write this list down
- He says the word "jazzed" a lot.
- When telling him about my method of note-writing, he said, "Nobody writes notes to me."
- He now wants to write notes for the sake of doing so.
JAKE NOTE:
So why do you this again?
The Thoughts of Harvey Quinn
To organize my life.
JAKE NOTE:
Do you always carry around that stationery?
The Thoughts of Harvey Quinn
Yes.
JAKE NOTE:
Wow.
Weston's Whimsical Words
Since you've been talking to that new neighbor all afternoon, we ate dinner without you. Your dish is in the microwave.
Gweneth's Gregarious Greetings
You totally ditched me after school! NOT COOL.
The Dictionary Game
Question:
What kind of neighbor will Jake be?
Word:
doodlebug: n. flying bomb
Answer:
…Trouble?
linebreakermymicrophonejustfellonthefloorintoapitofazombieclothesthatheldmybookshostageindeskdrawersohnothetragedy
MMPP: Hopefully what you just read was mildly interesting and somewhat funny. If not, then just venture on to the other letter-fic, I suppose.
Review please.
Cheers -Steph