Act 5

"If we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness." – 1 John 1:9


Scene 1 – Potato Salad

Man's Head Island. Katt, Mal, Seymour, Audrey, Darby, and Will. They're on the beach drawing in the sand.

Katt: Meawrgh, Seymour, don't you have that map ready yet?

Seymour: I'm drawin' as fast as I can, Kap'n. But I never really got a great look at the map so, ah …

Audrey: That island wasn't there; it was here.

Darby: And that whale was not there – it was here!

Will: And it's Man's Head Island not Elephant'sHead Island!

Seymour: OH, THE AGONY! I'm a musician not a cartographer!

Mal: Guys, we already know that the Pearl Saber is on Man's Head Island: we need to know where on the island.

Darby: Ohhh… like potato salad? You know it's got taters, but what kind of taters?

Will: Exactly.

Seymour: I can't work this way.

Mal: Kaptain Katt, I was thinking… maybe this whole revenge thing isn't such a great idea. I mean, say you do avenge the Sultan with the Pearl Saber. What then? What do you do after that?

Katt: Meawrgh, there's an old saying, "A pirate's ship has no rudder."

Will: What does that mean?

Katt: It means that I don't bother to steer my own path, I just go wherever life takes me.

Will: Well, we have an old saying too, "The Lord directs our steps."

Seymour: Huh?

Mal: We look to Jesus for everything – he is the Way!

Katt: The way?

Mal: Jesus is the path we travel in life – he's the course for our ship!

Katt: Mwrowr! And what course is that? To riches and glory?

Will: Yes, in a way. When we tell him where we've gone wrong, we can count on Jesus to forgive us and clean us up!

Seymour: We can tell Jesus what we've done wrong? (This exchange should be quick)

Will: Um, yeah.

Seymour: How?

Will: Just, ah, pray – talk to him, tell him.

Seymour: Out loud?

Will: If you want.

Seymour: Jesus – I broke the string on Audrey's lute and just put it back –

Audrey: That was you!

Seymour: And I ate all the chocolate hardtack and didn't save any for anybody else –

Darby: That was you?

Seymour: OH LORD HAVE MERCY ON ME, A SINNER!

Mal: Um, you have the right idea, sort of, but remember – you can count on Jesus to forgive you: that's something to be happy about!

Katt: Meawrgh! I've had enough of this babbling! This is a pirate ship, not a tent revival! I can't be distracted right now. I'm on a mission!

Enter Jo.

Will: Jo?

Mal: Jo!

Darby: You're back! I missed you like a velociraptor misses a protoceratops!

Katt: How'd you escape Dread Raven?

Jo: I didn't! He sold me to Admiral Ying Lu and he set me free! He dropped me off around the wharf, and I found you guys here.

Mal: That's terrific! God really took care of you!

Katt: Meawrgh…

Jo: Look, Kaptain Katt, I'm sorry for burning the map, but I was trying to help.

Katt: Hmmph. A lot of help you were.

Jo: Well, let's put it behind us! To the ship!

Katt: What do you mean, 'to the ship?'

Jo: Um –

Katt: I'm the captain here, and besides, that's my line!

Jo: It is?

Katt: Yes – look right here in the script: Kaptain Katt, colon, space, "to the ship!"

Jo: Oh, sorry.

Katt: Ehemwarwr. To . . . the ship!

Exit all.


Scene 2 – Preparations

The Black Baron. Dread Raven is on the deck of his ship shouting orders as the rest of his crew rushes around ridiculously trying to complete his orders.

Dread Raven: Brutus, secure the topsail! Scully, get that stew into Tupperware! Paloris, up the crow's nest to scout the reef! Hikowa, hurry up with those bearings! Brutus, move faster! Scully! Hurry up!

Scully: I'm moving as fast as I can, Captain, but it's a lot of stew!

Dread Raven: Arrgh! I'd be better off with a crew of walruses!

Brutus: Captain, we're doing all we can! Syzlwysch, grab the rope!

Dread Raven: Yer all lazy numbskulls!

Paloris wearily walks up to Dread Raven.

Paloris: Oh, Captain. Can't we have a five-minute break? We've been running full sail for almost a day now, can't we take a break?

Dread Raven: You want a break?

Paloris: Please, Captain, only five minutes…

Dread Raven: Five minutes? Heh… why not ten?

Paloris: Well, that'd be nice…

Dread Raven: Forget ten, what about fifteen? No! Twenty! I know…. How about you take a whole half hour off?

Paloris: Oh, ha, you're too kind!

Dread Raven: Oh! Forget it, take the whole day off, why don't'cha?

Paloris: Really?

Dread Raven: OF COURSE NOT, YOU PIGEON-BRAINED PIRATE! GET BACK TO WORK!

Paloris rushes back to work.

Dread Raven: Blundering barnacles, I'm trying to run a ship here, man, can't somebody throw me a bone?

Hikowa: Captain, we're approaching Man's Head Island.

Dread Raven: Good, good. Now, Paloris, Szlywzysch, go and trim the hedges on the lower decks!

Paloris & Szlywzysch: Uh… Aye, Captain! (Exit both.)

Dread Raven: Good… good…

Brutus: But, Captain, how can we find the Pearl Saber without a map? And won't Katt's Krew find it before we do?

Dread Raven: Silly pirate, maps are for kids! Don't you see, we're not going to race Krazy Katt to the Pearl Saber. We're going to follow her to it! Come on, Scully, let's go fix some sea urchin sandwiches!

Scully: Right with you, Cap'n!

Exit Dread Raven. Scully starts to exit, but lingers behind.

Brutus: I can't wait to see that monster swing by the neck!

Hikowa: Yeah, his time is –

Scully scampers off – Brutus & Hikowa hear him.Brutus: Take a little care, you bilge-sucking scamp! You'll get us found out again!

Hikowa: Hey, that wasn't my –

Brutus: Just get about your work!

Exit Brutus.

Hikowa: What, should I trade one wicked master for another?

Exit Hikowa.


Scene 3 – Speak Love

Enter Katt, Seymour, Audrey, Darby, and Will. They are looking for the Pearl Saber on a jungle portion of Man's Head Island.

Katt: Mwowr, keep an eye out for anything that smells like a treasure chest.

Seymour: You can't smell things with your eyes.

Darby: Besides, what does a treasure chest smell like?

Mal: Where's Jo?

Will: Kaptain Katt had her stay at the ship as scout.

Katt: MWEARGH! Just keep a look out for anything strange!

Audrey clears brush and finds something on a large stone cliff. Seymour approaches.

Seymour: Wow, look, a picture of a king! That's awesome!

Audrey: Yeah, and he kind of looks like you.

Seymour: (Posing like engraving.) Think so?

Katt: Let me see that!

Darby: Preeeeetyyyy ...

Audrey: I think it's a door. But there's no handle.

Katt: How can it open then?

Seymour: Oo-oo! Maybe the handle's invisible!

Will: That's helpful.

Audrey: Maybe you say a password or something. Look at the writing here. What language is that?

Darby: Oooaoaaahhhh! That's Guinian! I know what it says!

Katt: (After a pause.) Well, are you going to tell us?

Darby: Oh, should I? Okay, okay! It says, "Speak ye, love, and enter in."

Seymour: Ah, that's silly. We'll just bust it down!

Seymour attempts to ram the door, hits it, falls to the floor, and a ominous rumbling noise erupts.

Seymour: Maybe that wasn't such a good idea.

A swamp monster suddenly comes out and attacks the Krew. Chase ensues. The monster corners Mal, who entices it with a candy bar; it leaves.

Audrey: Maybe if you get tough with the door it'll open. Hey! Door! Open right now!

Swamp monster enters, rumbling, etc.; Mal gives it another candy bar.

Mal: Let's not do that again – I'm out of candy!

Darby: Maybe we should just scream at it!

All: NO!

Seymour: Wait, wait … 'Speak ye love and enter in!' I know this one!

Katt: You're not really going to sing, are you?

Seymour: I got to! It's the only way she'll open!

Katt: Mwragh. If you must.

Seymour:

(To the tune of "Rising of the Moon")

Oh, there's a door on Man's Head Island

That opens up to a heart of gold

So listen up you hearty pirates

And the truth you will be told

There's but one way to make it open

That's the grace from up above

You must speak the words of heaven

You must speak the words of love

Speak ye love and enter in,

Speak ye love and enter in,

You must speak the words of heaven!

Speak ye love and enter in!

Katt: MWEARGH! Would you just tell us!

Seymour: Eh, I was!

Audrey: Really, Seymour, tell us plainly, how do we open it?

Seymour: Speak ye love!

Darby: Oh! I get it!

Katt: You do?

Darby: Oh, wait, no, that was something else.

Will: I do get it! Kaptain, speak the words of love – you have to say it!

Katt: You're not helping.

Will: Jesus showed his love by dying for us, forgiving us for all we've done wrong! You have to do the same!

Katt: You want me to die for you?

Will: No, forgive him!

Katt: Him who?

Will: The Sultan!

Katt: (Recoils.) No. You don't know what you're talking about. I'll never forgive him.

Will: Then you'll never get in.

Katt: But I must get in!

Will: Then you must forgive.

Kaptain Katt wanders over to the door as the others step back quietly.

Katt: You hurt me, Sultan. You took my father from me. But it was a war, and you did raise me. I guess you even tried to show me love in your own way. I've hated you so long. It hurts. God, I don't want to hurt any more. I forgive him.

The door opens.

Seymour: It worked! Who's better than me? Hm? Hm? (Audrey elbows him) What?

Katt: Whoo-hoo! Welcome, mateys, to Treasure Cove!

They descend into the Cove.


Scene 4 – Mutiny

The Black Baron. Enter Dread Raven, Brutus, Hikowa, Scully, and the Ninjas.

Dread Raven: Here we are, Man's Head Island! Haha!

Brutus: Yes… Man's Head Island.

Miko: Fiji!

Fidexominja: Botswana!

Dread Raven: Not Fiji, and not Botswana! Man's Head Island!

Miko: Crusty cakes!

Fidexominja: Monopoly!

Hikowa: Captain, what do we do next?

Dread Raven: See that mountain up there?

Brutus: The one at the center of the island?

Dread Raven: Yes, that's the one. If we get up there, then we can see the whole island, and we can follow wherever Krazy Katt goes! She won't be able to hide! Hahaha!

Hikowa: Sounds like a great plan, sir. What should we do?

Dread Raven: Hm… Brutus! Hikowa! I want you two to carry me on your backs.

Brutus: Captain, wouldn't it be easier to just walk?

Dread Raven: It would. But you'll carry me. Why, you may wonder? Because I'm the Captain and you do what I say! Now pick me up!

Short moment of brief confusion. Brutus and Hikowa exchange a series of glances.

Hikowa: Not any longer.

Dread Raven: What, did you say?

Brutus: Yes, you're not the Captain anymore.

Dread Raven: (Gasps.) Is it you, then, Brutus, who will betray me?

Brutus: I've had it with you pushing me and rest of the crew around like you're some great King.

Dread Raven: Haha! I am a King! King of Dread Raven's Fish Emporium!

Brutus: Hah! That's just some stupid dream! You're nothing!

Dread Raven: Arrrrrrgh, you'll find yourself on the gallows soon enough, traitor! You're out numbered. It's four to two here!

Miko: Giblets!

Fidexominja: Encyclopedia!

Dread Raven: What? You're all betraying me?

Scully: I'm still with ya, Cap'n!

Dread Raven: Oh, well, that's just great.

Hikowa: What did you expect? That we loved you?

Brutus: Dread Raven, I hereby order you to step down as Captain of your ship and take residence in the brig until we can bring you to the Sultan at Kargad.

Dread Raven: The Sultan? Never!

Dread Raven & Scully fight all four of them at once; DR & Scully end up falling into the water and swimming off.

Brutus: Haha! Yes! We did it! The mutiny was a success!

Hikowa: Even though they got away?

Brutus: Ah, what difference does it make? The Black Baron is ours!

Hikowa: Now we'll take the Pearl Saber for ourselves!

Brutus: Even if it means we have to destroy Katt and those kids!

Miko: Broccoli?

Fidexominja: Scrambled eggs?

Exit all.


Scene 5 – Treasure Cove

Treasure Cove. Enter Katt, Seymour, Darby, Audrey, Mal, and Will.

Darby: Kaptain, how are we supposed to find the Pearl Saber without a map?

Katt: Meawrgh, we're in a dark and scary Cove. Don't you think it's the only logical place to hide a great treasure?

Audrey: She has a point there.

Enter Jo & Grandpa.

Jo: Kaptain Katt!

Katt: Jo? How'd you get here? (Drawing sword at Grandpa.) And what are you doing here?

Grandpa: Kaptain Katt, a pleasure.

Jo: Grandpa came through the mirror after us! And we just took a short cut across the beach, through the palm trees.

Audrey: Well, that would've been a bit easier.

Grandpa: Still, I'm glad you figured out my riddle.

Katt: Your riddle?

Grandpa: Yeah… I wrote that riddle on the wall, and I wrote the song. In fact, I write the songs that make the whole world sing, songs of love and special things. But that's another story.

Seymour: Hey, I like your taste in music.

Grandpa: Thank you.

Katt: Wait a second, if you made the riddle on the wall, did you make the map too?

Audrey: And did you hide the Pearl Saber?

Darby: And did you take my cookies?

Seymour: Oo, no, the cookies, that was me.

Grandpa: Yes, I did take the Pearl Saber from Dread Raven. It was too dangerous to have that weapon around, that had already caused so much pain … so I knocked it from his hand during that great storm and hid it on this island.

Will: But if you wanted to keep the Pearl Saber from Dread Raven, why'd you make a map to it?

Grandpa: I was thinking that we might need to get it one day, in case the King of Enlad ever came back. After all, that's who Thorin the Black originally stole the Pearl Saber from. So, I made a map.

Katt: So the Pearl Saber really belongs to the King of Enlad?

Seymour: Oh, right, I know a song about that one!

Katt: Save it.

Grandpa: Yes, the Saber is the true king's scepter!

Darby: You owe me a box of cookies!

Seymour: Alright, later!

Grandpa: Actually, you guys have done quite well, and Kaptain Katt, I'm impressed.

Katt: It's been years, Alfred the White.

Jo: Alfred the White?

Grandpa: Yes, that's how they know me here. I used to be Thorin the Black's first mate, until I started following Jesus and changed my ways. But that's another story.

Enter Dread Raven, with Scully in tow. They are wet and limping.

Dread Raven: (Clapping slowly.) What a touching moment!

Katt: Dread Raven! What are you doing here?

Dread Raven: I'm here to claim what HE stole from me! The Pearl Saber!

He draws his sword, Katt follows with her own.

Katt: It's mine.

Jo: Katt, no!

Krazy Katt fights Dread Raven. It's a terrific battle, but Katt tricks him and knocks down his sword. Katt holds Dread Raven at sword point and grits her teeth…

Mal: Don't…

Dread Raven: Go ahead, Kaptain Katt, kill me if you want! I lost me crew, me boat, me mother … I have nothing, nothing to live for.

Scully: You still got me, Cap'n!

Dread Raven: Oh, don't remind me.

Jo: Kaptain Katt…

Krazy Katt lowers her sword.

Katt: Meawrgh, Dread Raven, I don't think ye can be trusted, but I'll make you a deal: you can work as cabin boy on my ship.

Dread Raven: Cabin boy?

Katt: Aye. You'll make a nice prize.

Dread Raven: Arrrgh, I always knew the day I met you was a cursed one.

Katt: Now – you, Alfred the White! Show us the way!

Grandpa casts a sidelong glance at Jo. He winks at her.

Grandpa: All right then, this way to the Pearl Saber!

Exit all.


Scene 6 – Competition

Enter Hikowa, Brutus, Syzlewysch, and Paloris, with ninja. They are in Treasure Cove, trying to find the Pearl Saber.

Brutus: Are you sure this is Treasure Cove?

Hikowa: Of course it is. Treasure Cove is the stuff of legends! The Pearl Saber is here, just waiting for us to find it.

Paloris: Aye! And I say we go and get it!

Miko: Seltzer!

Fidexominja: Football!

Brutus: And how do we go about doing that?

Paloris: (Sniffs the air) Huh… I smell something! It's that Kaptain! And… and the girl!

Hikowa: The Captain? And Jo? Gasp! They must've been here first. They must be on the trail for the Pearl Saber!

Brutus: Dread Raven cannot find the Pearl Saber. It's mine!

Hikowa: You mean, 'ours', right?

Brutus: Whatever. Paloris!

Paloris: Captain!

Hikowa: Captain?

Brutus: Sniff them out, take us to them. I'm sure they're on the trail for the Pearl Saber. But we will stop them …

Exit all, following Paloris's nose.


Scene 7 – The Sword in the Stone

Treasure Cove. The Pearl Saber is in a long black box, center stage. Katt, Audrey, Darby, Seymour, Will, Mal, Jo, Grandpa, and Dread Raven enter.

Grandpa: There it lies … the Pearl Saber!

Dread Raven: The Pearl Saber!

Katt: Cabin boy!

Dread Raven: Erk…

Katt: Step back. Now.

Dread Raven: Aye, Captain.

Katt steps up to the center of the stage and picks up the box. She holds it for a moment before she opens it and pulls out the Pearl Saber.

Katt: Yes… yessss, YES! Finally, I can have revenge on that no good, father-killing -

Mal: Katt! Wait!

Katt: What do you want?

Mal: You said you forgave the Sultan.

Katt: Maybe I did, but that was then. And now, nothing can stop me from taking what I've waited SO LONG for!

Jo: Katt, no!

Enter the Sultan with Den.

Katt: Oh, how convenient …

Sultan: Daughter…

Katt: Don't call me that. My name is Katherine Thorinsdottir! You killed my father! Now prepare to die!

Savage fight ensues.

Katt has beaten the Sultan in the sword fight to the ground. She's holding him at sword point, trembling in fury.

Grandpa: See how the lust for revenge has rotted you. You've turned into the very thing you hated all these years: a killer with no respect for the life that God creates. Yes, the Sultan killed your father, but then he became a father to you. And now it's you about to kill your father.

Pregnant pause.

Katt: Father … father …

She loses her stance and slowly drops the Saber on the ground.

Katt: Oh, God… I'm so sorry. I don't want to be this anymore. I don't want to be … to be wicked! I'm sorry, so, so sorry…

Dread Raven: (Snatches up the Pearl Saber.) Hah! You yellow-bellied Pirate! I knew you couldn't do it! But I can -

Enter Brutus, Hikowa, Syzlwysch, and Paloris.

Brutus: Drop the sword, Dread Raven!

Dread Raven: What? Never!

Fight scene ensues. Dread Raven loses to his former crew and drops the Pearl Saber as he's fighting. Brutus holds him at sword point. Hikowa rushes over and takes the Pearl Saber for herself.

Hikowa: Hah! It's MINE!

Brutus: I'm Captain, and I say it's MINE!

Hikowa: In your dreams!

Brutus: That sword it mine!

Hikowa: Like I ever trusted you!

Brutus: Is there no honor among thieves?

Hikowa: Um, No.

Brutus: Give it to me!

Seymour: Hey, guys? May I?

Seymour steps in between Brutus and Hikowa and takes the sword. He holds it out horizontally, slowly raises it up to the heavens and… thrusts it into a nearby large stone.

Seymour: Problem solved.

Brutus and Hikowa each try to pull it from the stone. They cannot. Dread Raven does likewise, and fails. Enter Den.

Den: It…is…he!

Jo: Now, where'd he come from?

Den: It… it is the King of Enlad.

All: WHAT?

Den: The legends say, "When the true King of Enlad returns home, he will sheath the saber in stone."

Seymour: Oh, I know that song!

Katt: Save it.

Den: Seymour … let me see your arm.

Seymour: Um, okay?

Den pulls up the shirt arm, revealing a crown-shaped birthmark.

Den: There it is! The crown birthmark! You, Seymour, you are the lost King of Enlad!

Seymour: Is that a good thing?

Den: Come! We have much to discuss. And a coronation to plan!

Seymour: Hey, can Audrey and Darby come, too?

Den: Whatever you wish, your majesty!

Seymour: I might get to like this.

Den, Seymour, Audrey, and Darby exit, babbling excitedly.

Dread Raven: Well, then. So much for all that. What do you say we head back to the ship and have some squid stew, just like old times?

Brutus & Hikowa: Yes, Captain.

Scully: All I got is leftovers, Cap'n!

Dread Raven: That will do just fine, then, Scully, just fine.

Exit DR, Brutus, Hikowa, Scully, Szlywzysch, Paloris.

Katt: Alfred the White … thank you.

Grandpa: You're welcome. And thank God, whom you can count on to forgive you and cleanse you from all wickedness.

Katt: Yes, thank you.

Sultan: Child, let us go to my palace. We have much to discuss.

Katt: Yes, I will go with you.

Sultan: And Alfred the White, you must be our honored guest.

Grandpa: I would be delighted.

Exit Katt and Sultan with Grandpa.

Scene 8 – Epilogue

Will: So it's just us now.

Mal: Man, all that craziness made me tired.

Jo: Yeah, me, too. I'm beat.

Will: (Yawning and lying down.) A saber of pearls …

Mal: (Yawning and lying down.) Treasure Cove …

Jo: (Yawning and lying down.) A pirate princess and the peace of God …

They drift off to sleep and the lights dim. Enter Grandpa and lights up.

Grandpa: Are you children still up here?

Mal: Whoa… what happened? Gasp! The mirror! Guys, wake up!

Jo: Huhn? Are we home?

Will: We're in the attic?

Jo: How'd we get back here?

Mal: Grandpa, was it a dream?

Grandpa: A dream? What?

Jo: Grandpa, you were there! It couldn't have been a dream, could it?

Grandpa: Well, it might have been. Then again, it might not. You never can tell: the mirror can play tricks on you if you're not careful.

Will: I'm so confused!

Grandpa: Here, I brought you some lunch. Fish Sandwiches, from a new place down the street.

Jo: Let me guess – Dread Raven's Fish Food Restaurant?

Grandpa: That's right, but how'd you know?

The siblings look at each other, laughing as they take their sandwiches. They shake their heads and bite into them. Blackout, except for a spotlight on the handle of the Pearl Saber, still embedded in the stone. Exeunt omnes.

End Act 5