girl number one: promises to save me with her p(r)etty
bible words and sky blue eyes, like heaven, she says and i
nod my head in that (un)believing way.

she tries to convert me with faded rosary beads and silent
prayers sitting in hard wood pews as the priest looks at
me with hard eyes and a sneer, his hands flipping pages
and reciting lines.

she listens attentively and passes me a hard covered book
as the choir sings church songs, and i sit quietly as
everyone kneels. she pulls me down though, tells me to
close my eyes and make a wish. so i ask god: make her
love me.

i fell in love with a girl,
in love with jesus.

(& i know it'll never happen
because she doesn't fall for faggots)

girl number two: writes poetry with purple gel pens & she
likes to make lyrics for bands she plans to meet. we never
talk but we express everything needed to be said through
letters and symbols, and that's all we need.

i never liked the way her fingers curled together in the way
of fights and abuse but she's got me kept with the
way she walks to the way she leans. she likes to paint
her nails black like a prozac teen with an excuse for frowns
and she never was a religious person.

she likes to take long walks through shores like a romanc-
tic but she never said i love you. we take baths in the cold
ocean water and she paints water colored sunsets when
i'm drowning myself again & again. she cuts holes in her pockets
and she's a daily smoker with ragged lighters. we took turns
getting drunk and she told me that i turned her into a alcoholic.

she says she likes the way i get piercings for no reasons
and tattoos when i'm not even that old. i say i like the way
your hair curls around your shoulders and i can never see
your eyes & that you can never see mine.

she laughs and says, baby if you had one last thing to say
what would it be: "i love you."

i fell in love with a girl,
in love with the idea of suicide.


author's note:
i would not, would not read on. most of the things you'll read i wrote when i was thirteen. this is just for adrian/perpetual questions/whatever because he-she wanted me to repost it from my other account, because somehow she-he liked it.