Dear Disney,

Unfortunately for you, there are five very hormonal, rather angry women writing this letter. And no, we're not the whining, spoiled, girly women you feel so inclined to smother over every ounce of merchandize. No, we're the women you forgot to put on that school folder. We're not quite sure why; put us together, and we've saved a country, prevented a war, braved a jungle, demanded justice under threat of death, and maintained liberated woman ideals! This letter is both a proposal and a complaint. When you've finished reading, you'll see that our faces should be the ones plastered throughout the children's section of Wal-Mart. Please allow the following to clarify our position.

First off, Ariel, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Belle, and Jasmine are ridiculously overrated in every possible way. To prove our point, take the most beautiful girl you can think of, and then make her whine as much as possible. Then make them sing their complaints, in gag-worthy songs emitting rainbows and sunshine. Our teeth grate with the mere thought. It may be acceptable in a film, but behind the scenes it's unbelievably obnoxious. It's songs like that which make a home in your head, a single verse or melody replaying endlessly until you're about ready to tear your ears off. Though, some princesses are more prone to humming unnecessarily. For example…

Ariel – don't let her amazing red hair and great cheeks fool you. She hums, all the time, and though her talent may be good for "Part of Your World" her style doesn't quite mesh with the rap or rock songs that sometimes play in the dressing room. Aside from her constant musical state, she is also a spoiled brat. "I want to go to the surface, I want to have legs, I want, I want, I want!" It's sickening, and though her father may have been a little harsh, Ariel throwing herself on the sea floor and bawling does not set a good example. There's no concealing that temper tantrum.

On to Snow White, she epitomizes the beautiful whiner. "Ooh, look at me, I'm Snow White and I'm super fabulous! I'm waiting for my prince to come!" in that terrible high-pitched voice. It's this sitting and waiting for a prince that has regrettably planted a seed in the minds of young girls. It's a little known fact that, in reality, Snow White threatened the mirror into saying she was the fairest of them all. One high note from her squeaky voice, and the mirror would have shattered. No one ever knew about this scandal, but one day at a 'tea' party with Ariel and Sleeping Beauty, she'd had a bit too much 'tea' and let it slip.

Speaking of Sleeping Beauty, she is probably the most boy-obsessed of all the overrated princesses. She dreams about boys (she said it herself!). She sings to herself about boys. She talks to animals about boys. It is the pitfall of most girls, but she truly takes the cake. And, she shoots cocaine. That needle in the movie was proposed by Cinderella when she and Sleeping Beauty were in a fight, demonstrating her ability to expose her deep, dark, secret. We have reason to suspect many of the Disney princesses are on cocaine, due to their amazing ability to stay so skinny, but have no evidence for anyone except Sleeping Beauty.

I bet you never thought Cinderella was a slut either. Notice, in the film, the stepsisters disliked Cinderella for her beauty. But was it just because she was beautiful or was it because she was so beautiful, she ended up stealing all the stepsisters' boyfriends? Believe it or not, the most publicized Disney princess of them all is a great big floozy! It's unanimous; if we ever had a daughter that made a pass at anything that moved, we'd keep her locked in a tower too.

Now, Belle. When we first got to know Belle, we thought she was pretty cool. Maybe she deserved to be an overly publicized princess. After all, she actually had something going on in that head of hers. But after awhile, she turned out to be a great big know-it-all, and it got tiresome quickly. Everyone makes a big deal about her falling in love with a beast, but she probably just had Stockholm Syndrome. That's a mental disorder, not an honorable feat. And while on the topic of mental disorders, Belle had a whole bunch. The talking furniture screams schizophrenia.

And finally, Jasmine. Much like Ariel, she is rather spoiled and, quite frankly, a rich bitch. She's so rich, she thinks it would be fun to be poor for a day. It's also our strong recommendation that she wear more than a bra before being put on the cover of a small girl's notebook.

Now…compared to the frightening drug habits, promiscuity, and distasteful personalities of the other Disney princesses, the following will make it quite obvious that the heroines of Disney (though perhaps not royalty) should be the ones Disney advertises.

There's Esmeralda – perhaps the most mature of the heroines, she's very kind but not in an annoying obnoxious way that says "Everybody loves me because I'm so wonderful and nice!" She lives on the street, and probably wishes for a better life free from persecution, but you don't hear her complaining. In modern times, she could be a lawyer with all that talk of justice. And she has some serious acrobatic and dance skillz.

Then there's Meg, who is most definitely not waiting for her prince to come. She's an independent female. Meg is a liberated woman who won't settle for anything less than a god. And her boss, Hades? He's like the Mafia of the gods. How bomb is that?

One of the best things about Jane is that she can mingle with animals without thinking they're speaking back to her in English. The animal kingdom is realistically portrayed for the rabid-baboon-ridden place it actually is. She's an artist—there's a lot going on in that head of hers. And she can swing on vines and not need to bathe in germ-X immediately afterward.

Mulan is kick-ass. She's a war hero; what more could you ask for? She freaking saved China. She could beat any of the other princesses to a pulp. She could take them all on at once and still win. She's been sliced with a sword, and didn't cry.

Pocahontas is down with nature. Like Jane, she understands that animals don't speak any sort of human tongue. Similar to Mulan, she prevented a war between two enormous empires, all while saving the guy she loves (hello, she saved the guy! He did not save her!) She also chooses to stay with her people rather than follow the one she loves, dearest John Smith. Say it with me – liberated woman.

So when you're ready, we're patiently waiting to sign a contract. We want notebooks, coffee mugs, t-shirts and all the respect we deserve as the best, most deserving of the Disney females.

Sincerely,

Esmeralda

Mulan

Pocahontas

Jane

Megara

A note from the true author:

I actually think that all the Disney females are pretty awesome. The princesses were insulted to make this piece of fiction work, but Sleeping Beauty is not really on cocaine and Cinderella is probably a really nice girl. Please do not take offense if I insulted your favorite princess (I had to force myself to type the stuff about Belle, my personal fave). The inspiration came when I went school shopping and couldn't find an Esmeralda folder or notebook anywhere, so I got mad because she is my favorite. Also, if I left out a particular princess or heroine you really like, my apologies. Please, no insulting of the Disney heroines in comparison to the Disney princesses. This was all just in good fun.