Picnic of Doom
Nar: Dead Guy #3 was dead to begin with, dead as a doornail…a dead doornail…and Zack too. It was a dark and stormy night. (Dead Guy #3 falls dead on stage)

(Enter Professor Redrum, Colonel Nondenominational Condiment, Miss The Color Formally Known as Red, and Captain Detective Delicious Filling. They see the body but do not acknowledge it)

CDDF: Damn, I wish we could have had a picnic.

Prof: Don't you mean a picnic of DOOM, Captain Detective Delicious Filling?

CDDF: No, no I did not.

MTCFKAR: Is picnic an innuendo for sex?

CNC: Miss The Color Formally Known as Red! I find that patently offensive…I think…

(long pause)

Prof: So is anyone going to comment on the dead guy or should I?

CDDF: By Jove, I've broken a nail…and it's fallen on a dead guy!

MTCFKAR: Is broken nail an innuendo for sex?

CNC: Someone check him for identification!

CDDF: His name was…Dead Guy # 3

CNC: Wait, that was his name?

CDDF: That's what it says.

CNC: Who would name their child Dead Guy # 3?

Prof: Someone with incredible foresight.

MTCFKAR: Is foresight an innuendo for sex?

CDDF: My God, that's extraordinary! I mean the dead guy, not the poorly crafted sexual innuendo. We must conduct an investigation to discover who has murdered poor…Mr. # 3. First, we should compile a list of suspects.

Prof: Oh mein God! He's waking up!

Dead: I…

CDDF: WE ARE TRYING (kick) TO CONDUCT (kick) AN INVESTIGATION (kick)!! (a long pause is followed by another kick)

MTCFKAR: Is investi –


CNC: So how do we go about this whole investigation thing?

Prof: Investigation?! Why would we need one of those? He's obviously killed himself.

CDDF: He was stabbed 27 times.

Prof: So he really, really wanted to die.

CNC: In the back.

Prof: I…uhhh…have heard from many of his lovers that he was a contortionist.

ALL: Oooohhhhhhh

CDDF: You've spoken with his lovers? Wait a second; didn't all of his lovers end up dead?

Prof: Maybe (shifty eyes)

CDDF: OK…Completely non-related and unsuspicious tangents aside, I think we should start by interrogating the most likely suspect, the one who has given enough clues to all but prove her guilt! Don't you agree, Miss the Scar…Miss Color…Miss Formerly Red…Miss Scarlet!!

Dead: Bum bum buuuum

(CDDF kicks him like before)

CDDF: We are quite aware that…Mr. # 3 was a banana farmer, and that you, in a jealous rage, took his life. It is well known that you are a notorious banana fiend!

(MTCFKAR smiles directly at the audience)

CNC: Then again, maybe not.

Prof: No, you're right! She killed him because she knew that his banana farm was planted atop fields of pirate treasure he stole from the Caribbean long ago.

CDDF: Yeah, and…What?! He had pirate gold? How did you –

Prof: I mean…eh…pirate gold? What are you talking about? You silly Americans and your capitalistic fantasies.

MTCFKAR: Is pirate treasure an innuendo for sex?

CDDF: Yes, we've already agreed that you're no longer a suspect, Miss the Color Formally Known as Red. Thank you.

CNC: That only leaves me, Captain Detective Delicious Filling, and Pofessor Redrum…Redrum…strange name. What origin is that professor?

Prof: Oh, no origin. It's just murder backwards. (Everyone stares at him). I mean…Wouldn't that be great?! Haha! It's definitely Lithuanian.

CDDF: What's your first name?

Prof: Ernst.

CNC: And your middle name?

Prof: Homicidal.

CDDF: What is that, French?

Prof: Yea, yea it's French.

(All exit)

Scene 2
Nar: Two weeks later, Dead Guy #3 is still dead, dead as a doornail…a dead doornail…a dead doornail that's been dead for two weeks…two dead weeks.


(All are eating/enjoying themselves)

CNC: Well, I'm glad that business with that Mr. # 3 is over with. Although I'm still not sure why it was more sanitary to tie a cement brick to his legs and throw him off a bridge than report the incident to the proper authorities. Not that I didn't think it was a very…creative notion, Professor Redrum.

Prof: It's what he would've wanted.

(Enter The Ghost of Dead Guy # 3)

Dead: Nooooo, it's not! I have come from beyond the grave to tell you the horrible truth about my MURDER!!

(Everyone keeps eating and looks as though they are trying very hard to ignore his presence)

MTCFKAR: Is murder an innuendo for sex?

Dead: OOOOOOOOOO (waves arms frantically)

CNC: I swear, the pedophiles at this park just keep getting more and more persistent.

Dead: What? What?! No! I'm Dead Guy # 3! Remember?

Prof: I'm sorry, who'd you say you were? Jeff?

Dead: No

Prof: Billy?

Dead: No

Prof: Francois?

Dead: No! No! No! I'm trying to tell you who MURDERED me! The one who did it was –

(CDDF rises from his spot)

CDDF: WE ARE TRYING (pushes Dead to the ground) TO HAVE (kick) A PICNIC (kick)!! Is this potato salad homemade? (kick) It's delicious.

Prof: Thank you

CDDF: Something is still bothering me about this murder.

MTCFKAR: Is bothering an innuendo for sex?

CDDF: No! That would be Molestation! I mean…damn you!

CNC: Speaking of the murder, how is the investigation going, Captain Detective Delicious Filling?

CDDF: Investigation? What…uh…investigation? I thought we were done with that…
CNC: But you're Captain Detective Delicious Filling. Shouldn't you be…detecting something?

CDDF: What, is my name a verb now? Do I ask you to go…condiment…something just because it's your name?

Prof: Wait, that's your name? Huh. What origin is that?

CDDF: It's Polish. My whole name is actually Delicious Filling-Schmidt.

MTCFKAR: Is Schmidt an innuendo for sex?

Prof: Huh, and she missed "delicious filling".

(MTCFKAR smiles directly at audience)

CNC: So Captain Detective Delicious Filling is your name? (CDDF nods) So what do you do for a living?

CDDF: I'm a pirate - ARRRRR

(Long Silence)


CNC: So did you murder him?

CDDF: How could I have killed him? I wad the last one to see him alive!

Prof: Good Point

CDDF: Ugh! Another dead end! This whole ordeal is so disturbing! I just wish I could find some piece of mind. It's tearing me apart. And I can't take it any longer.
Sings to the tune of "Epiphany" from Sweeney Todd:
They all deserve to die!
Even you, Professor Redrum, even I.
Because the life of #3 should be (kick) made brief.
For the rest of us death will be relief.
We all deserve to die!
And I'll never see Miss Scarlet

MTCFKAR: I'm right here.

CDDF: Oh…(kick)

MTCFKAR: Ahh! You idiots! Don't you see you aren't getting anywhere? The more you speak, the more suffocatingly ignorant the air becomes! I am breathing pure stupid! First of all, the murderer you're trying to find is more than one person. Captain Detective Delicious Filling has killed Dead Guy # 3 twice right in front of you! And regardless, one member of you has been announcing that he was the murderer since the very beginning of this whole pointless string of high school shenanigans. It's in his name for Christ's sake! Professor Redrum is murderer! The proof is crushing. Dumbasses!

Prof: What, are you accusing me?! Because I am German no doubt! You, madam, are a racist! (kicks Dead in anger and self pity) I just wanted to fit in…

MTCFKAR: Is racist an innuendo for sex?

Prof: I think she does this on purpose.

CNC: Besides, that accusation is ridiculous. I killed Dead Guy # 3.

Prof: Yes, well…uh…bluh…what?!

CDDF: You were the murderer the whole time? Why was there no foreshadowing for this?

MTCFKAR: Is foreshadowing an innuendo for sex?

CNC: Yes, yes it is.

MTCFKAR: What? Ewwwwwwwww

Prof: But I don't understand. I thought I was the murderer! No fair! I'm telling the furor on you! (Exits)

CDDF: Colonel Nondenominational Condiment, why'd you do it?

CNC: Because…HE KILLED ME FIRST!! (falls dead on the stage)

(Professor Redrum re-enters)

Prof: Well, the furor has…Aha! Now the boot is on the other shoe! And you thought you could beat me?! Ha! Remember this, puny Americans: Professor Redrum always finishes first! WAHAHA! (Exits)

CDDF: Wait, Isn't "finishing first" an innuendo for -

MTCFKAR: No! (Looks very angry and then winks at him as she exits)

CDDF: Damn, that was a good picnic. (Exits)