Not What I Expected

The plane's about to leave … and I feel fine?

Fine.

I'm fine.

Completely calm and collected. Barely daunted by what's ahead of me.

It's a strange sensation. You see, it's in my nature to panic. Seriously. I panic at the most simple situations and tasks. It can become quite embarrassing at times, not to mention hectic.

I freak out at the most absurd things too. Like the other day I freaked out while going shopping. I was worried about how other people would see me, and if I had enough money. But of course, I don't actually care about what others think of me – or so I say, and I knew I had more then enough money for what I was getting. And don't get me started on the actual act of getting to the shops.

There were workmen in the street, and I reasoned they would get mad if I did something wrong, like ran over their stupid giant witches hats – which by the way look nothing like an actual witch's hat (not that I've meant one in person…. But I imagine it not to be so orange? ). Again I was held hostage within my own grounds. This was the third time in as many weeks where my passage to the world outside was blocked. And like usual, I suspect they will be back tomorrow, to try and fix whatever they were trying to fix today.

As a result of their 'work' we had a blackout last night. My guess is they are coming back today – possibly even tomorrow too!

Still fine.

This is such a strange sensation for me. Foreign even. Surreal.

Where are the butterflies in my stomach? The nerves making me giddy with excitement, yet unable to digest anything? Where's the analysing of my schedule? Where's my host family to forget me at midnight in a foreign land?

How do I manage to freak myself out over being fine?

Isn't that supposed to be a good thing?

Or better yet, is it normal, or even possible to actually do this?

Fine is supposed to be good. Great even.

Like the weather we had at Disney Sea that time. It was overcast – and had rained for a few minutes, which kept the crowd at bay and left us with an awesome time. No long lines …

Fine, like I'm just going about my daily business. My normal routine.

Sleep.

Wake.

Eat.

Leave...

Tasks that all roll into one. A lifeless (and effortless) journey. An automatic response.

Come to think about it, I could definitely sleep right about now. I can almost feel the warm comforting security that only my bed, my blankets and my some-what out of date pillow can give.

Oh what I would not give for my own pillow right now! To sleep would be great, but no! I had to pack it in the bulk of my suitcase. Stupid new laws. Stupid restrictions of what I'm allowed to carry on the plane. I can't even take a book!

Don't get me wrong, I understand and greatly appreciate that they go to such measures to ensure our safety and the prevention of another 9/11. But a pillow, even a book once in a while would be heaven… and I don't even fly that often.

In fact, not at all.

I need to get out more, maybe then I wouldn't be so stressed and panicky all the time.

This is going to be the longest flight of my life…

For the twelfth time the hostess asks if I would like a drink. No, of course I don't want another drink, what do you think I am some kind of camel?! I can't just store all that liquid, it needs to exit at some point and I'm sure as hell not getting up to go to the toilet on this plane.

Shesh, how dumb do they think I am? I'm not going to risk sitting on the toilet when the seat belt sign comes back on, getting stuck there, whilst the plane hits turbulence. No seatbelt to protect me, and the ever-slight possibility of getting sucked down the toilet into the atmosphere. No thank you! Don't laugh. Its happened in the movies. Its possible!

The credits start rolling and I have the choice between movie I saw when I was five, the one I saw last month and the one I just watched. Oh joy, what an exhilarating bunch of movies to chose from. I'm so excited I might wet myself in sheer relief.

Oh god.

Bad idea.

Bad choice of words.

I really need to pee now. No joke. I refuse to leave my seat. Do you know the percentage of people who die whilst not wearing a seatbelt of some sort? Its high okay, and I will not risk it.

Of course, that risk and percentage is based on a number of situations and aspects. Like, for instance, they may not have been wearing their seatbelt in a car and it crashed… or in a bus. Oh god, imagine being on a bus – like your average school bus (the ones I use to take to school for 13 years) which have not one seat belt! Or they crashed their ride-on lawn mowers. Hey it's possible. I'm sure its happened somewhere. Probably in America.

Half way through this movie and I really need to pee now. Am quite bored too, and have only been on the plane for a grand scale of two hours. Only another twenty-two left. Without turbulence accounted for that is.

What I would give for a book.

Have now watched this movie three times through. Still need to pee, and she keeps asking do I want a drink! So not helping.

Yet, I still feel fine.

Reality is biting now. I have been to the toilet. Did not get sucked out of the plane. Nor did I meet some murder/stalker/ex-convict who may be hiding in there, waiting for his prey. I have seen too many movies.

Holy crap I am on a plane to my all time most dreamed about destination… and I'm fine.

Freaked out about being fine, but still fine.

This must be wrong.

Utterly wrong.

I do not feel fine.


A/n: R & R

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