Lord,

There are no words that can express how much I want to thank You. I want to thank You that I am Your daughter. I want to thank You that I am Your child and I want to thank You Father that I am saved by Your grace. I want to thank You for so many things.

A lot of people are thankful to You Lord, and so they should be. They have talents, gifts, a purpose in life and I am constantly told by these types of people that You have a purpose for me too, that I have God given talents.

I find this hard to believe Lord, and I am sorry for thinking this. For some people, their talent is plain to see. It is there, smack bang in front of them. They would be a fool to miss it and Lord You created no fools.

Then there are those people who have hidden talents, ones that are harder to see but are working in their own little way.

I used to think that maybe this was me. That maybe my talent was hidden from the world but it was doing its job. I think otherwise now.

I was told recently by a very intelligent young Christian called Nathaniel, someone who will one day become a famous and powerful evangelist using the voice You have given him, that You don't want our ability Lord, You want our availability and here I find myself failing You once again Father. For a long time, I was unavailable to You, but I am here now Lord.

Yet I am afraid.

I am afraid of doing You wrong Father, I am afraid of sinning, of hurting You, of straying from Your path once again. And I shouldn't be. You are forgiving. You are gracious. You are a loving Lord and I know that you will always be there when I come back to You.

I shouldn't let these fears overpower me as they are standing in the way of me loving You and thanking You and worshipping You Lord.

Again, a powerful Christian with the stunning ability to help others once told me that You will always be there for me when I come back and that Your love is never changing. And I believed her because I knew in my heart it was true, but also because of her talent.

I wonder sometimes if my talent, my purpose in life is to make other people feel better too. Though perhaps not in the same way. For me it is different.

Maybe it is my purpose in life to make other Christians feel better about themselves as they know they will always be better than me. At everything, not just religion. Maybe I am here so that people can point and laugh and feel good in themselves. I don't know.

I worry that if my purpose becomes apparent to me, which I have no doubt in You it will, I will not have the talents or the ability to handle it Lord and fulfil my purpose, and I will die with regrets and remorse, not happiness in the thought of coming home to You.

Lord I have asked You to baptize me in the Holy Spirit so that it may take control of my actions and keep me from straying again. I feel this has yet to happen Father and I feel as if I am loosing You once again.

I don't want to.

I want to help people Lord. I want to spread Your greatness, Your splendour and Your word. I want to preach to people and leave footprints in their hearts Lord, just as You did in the sand, deep and everlasting.

Lord I want to have the courage to speak up about You and I want the strength we both know I need to resist the evils and temptations of this world. A world You created for us, and we just destroyed it without a second thought.

After everything You have done for us Lord and what we have done to repay you, I find myself asking, am I worthy?

A/N: I wrote this today after returning home from camp and these were a lot of the thoughts that were running through my mind whilst I was there. I decided to upload this in the hope that maybe someone out there was thinking the same things as me and that I am not alone.

So consider this a cry for help and a hope for spiritual growth. If you are going through the same thing or if you know someone who thinks the same or if you simply have something to say to me, please say it.

God bless you
Holli xx