I can't wait for my hearing aids to get here. We only took the moulds a couple of days ago, but it feels like so long. I can notice a drop in my hearing, just in these few days. I told Ms Scott, my sign language teacher about my hearing issue. She said she would sign to us more in class, and speak a little louder for me.
Every morning, when I wake up, it scares me, because it will be really quiet, with the natural silence of the morning, and I will think 'oh shit, this is the time. This is the time I will go deaf.' I will wait there, to afraid to move, until I hear some sound, as faint as it may be, just so I can know I'm not some deaf freak, that will need all this extra help in classes, and have the weird speech, and not have any friends, and stuff like that. I am so afraid for that day when I wake up, and I cant hear the sound of a door slam, or the garage door open, or my alarm clock go off, or my cat crying for me to wake up. It will come, I just don't know when. The day that happens, I don't know what I will do. Maybe I will be so anxious to hear a sound, I will imagine one, and believe myself, and then the day will pass, and I will always imagine it, and then the day will come when I will realize I am imagining it, and I won't care, because I can pop in my hearing aids, and hear the world. But, I will hear the world, but through a computer. And it won't be sound, but electrons traveling through a vacuum. What will it sound like? I heard it would be delayed. Would it really be that bad? Would I still be able to be in marching band? Will I ever make snare drum? Arg, I hate these questions. To be perfectly honest, silence scares the living hell out of me. Late at night, when there is no sound, I will lay there, snapping my fingers, or tapping my hand on the wall just to break the consuming silence. I am afraid, that if let it exist, it will not go away, so I must continuously block it out.
Sometimes I listen to my I-pod. That helps, but my headphones can only go so loud. I turned the volume limit up all the way, but the music is just not the same anymore. I'm scared. Really, really scared.