For my readers that believe that this is about a guy, or some other guy that's tearing me in two and making me unfaithful, I assure you it's not. It's a personal matter, but I just had to get it out, and this piece just kind of...happened. Just like this personal situation. What a coincidence. Go figure. d:P And also, please excuse all the repetition. This just kinda...came out, and it wasn't something that I wanted to edit to "fit" any kind of standard. I was feeling lost, confused, hurt, and unsure...and for me, the repetition of all the ideas in it kinda fit with how I was feeling, so I didn't (and still don't) feel the need to change it.
I don't know how I feel about you.
Whether I want you,
Or hate you with my whole being.
All I know is that you are a part of me,
And that, soon, you'll be gone.
You'll be out of my life, and you'll never return.
But I don't know whether I want you gone or not.
Something inside tells me that I want to keep you here,
That I want to hold you in my arms.
But something else,
Tell me otherwise.
They tell me that I don't want you around.
That I don't need you.
You've brought little good into my life.
You've made me sick to my stomach in more ways than one.
I don't want you here.
I don't ever want to think about you again.
So why do you cloud my mind?
Why do you keep haunting me,
Reminding me that you are here,
Around every corner?
I hate this.
You confuse every fiber of my being with your presence.
I still don't know whether to hate you or care for you.
You make me treat others like I shouldn't.
You make me hurt them in ways that I never intended to
(Which I can sadly do on my own, thank you very much).
I want you gone.
I don't need this.
I don't need to worry about you,
Wondering if you're alright whenever you're not around.
I don't need to love you or care for you.
I don't even want to.
But part of me wants to keep you around.
To see what happens if you were to stay.
Part of me wants to see what would happen in the long run.
But most of me says that it'd be easier to let go now.
And I agree.
I'm not ready to deal with you just yet.
I don't have it in me to do so.
You're driving me insane.
Just let me be.
Please, just leave me,
And let things get back to the way they were.
Let me laugh again without knowing you're there.
Let me love him and treat him the way he deserves.
Don't make me hide things anymore.
Don't make me hurt him any more than I already have.
Don't ever haunt me again.
No more second thoughts.
I can't take them anymore.
I'm begging you to give me a second chance
At a normal life,
Without any guilt whatsoever.
Let my mind rest.
- August 18, 2008