Sent: Wed. 8/27/08 10:29 AM
I was on an MSN group for kids who go to SCHS and as I was browsing the forums, I saw that you made a topic that asked us if we knew anything about Mr. Wicker. My sister had him for US History three years ago, and she said that he's kind of a bigoted bastard and his lectures drag on a bit. The only reason why our school keeps him is because he has tenure (a million times over) and they're too damn cheap to hire someone new. I also have him, so you're not the only person who'll be suffering.
Oh, your signature confused me, by the way. The opposite of war isn't peace, its creation? I'm sorry, but that Mark Cohen person's logic is flawed. Care to explain?
You seem like a pretty cool person and I wanted to know if it was okay if I added you to my address book? Message me back…or not.
Sent: Wed. 8/27/08 3:52 PM
Subject: RE: (none)
Dear Mr. So and So,
Thanks for warning me about Mr. Wicker and his bigoted ways, but was it necessary to send an e-mail? You could have replied to the forums just as easily. It's your choice, I guess. Did you know that he has a stuffed raccoon named Elliot as a decoration--and he made it himself! I'm thinking of switching out of his class, because taxidermy is weird.
My signature…? It's a quote from the Broadway musical, RENT, and I think it makes perfect sense. War equals destruction, and what is the opposite of destruction…? Creation. Therefore, the opposite of war isn't peace, its creation.
And as far as keeping contact with you? I…don't know. You might be a pedophile, and I don't want to get raped or anything bad like that. Do you mind telling me who you are?
Sent: Wed. 8/27/08 6:02 PM
Subject: I'm not a pedophile!
Mr. So and So?
Okay, then. Maybe I was wrong? You sounded a bit crazy in that last e-mail, and I'm really wondering whether or not I want to stay in touch with you now. Don't ask why I'm writing to you right now, because I don't have a clue either.
I do not have the PedoBear Seal of Approval, because I am not a pedophile! Let me tell you, if I were one…I would not browse that MSN group, because I've seen the girls at our school. Maybe I should stop that sentence right there before you go psycho on me. You've already proved that you're likely to jump to conclusions; I don't want to have you coming after me with a baseball bat or anything.
My sister already gave me enough bruises when I tried to chuck her Jonas Brothers CD out of the window when I drove her to the beach the other day. Do you listen to those talentless hacks? …If you do, then I really fear for your brain.
P.S. Why don't you guess who I am? I'll let you ask me one question about myself and I'll answer it for you.
Sent: Thur. 8/28/08 1:33 AM
Dear Mr. I Think I'm Too Cool for School,
I'm not crazy, I'm really not. Maybe it's you who lacks sanity and you're just trying to make me feel bad. What kind of horrible person are you? I know why I'm writing to you. I'm doing it because I'm bored, the insomnia is getting to me, and I have nothing else to do at this time of the morning. So I decided to message my favorite pedophile. :)
Since we're on the subject of creepy people…yes, I think you would be on a group for high school students. But according to you, none of the girls at SCHS are good-looking enough for you. Well, I'd like to see how attractive you are! As for me? Well, I feel pretty. Oh so pretty! I feel pretty and witty AND bright. What do you have to say for yourself now?
That's what I THOUGHT.
I do not like the Jonas Brothers. They creep me out quite a bit, and I hated how the butchered the song "Kids in America" a few years ago. I never really got over that. I thought you said your sister took U.S. History three years ago. Wouldn't that make her nineteen or twenty-years-old now? She still listens to the JB? Or do you have more than one sister?
Well, now I'm bored with this, so I'm going to go watch the late night HBO stuff.
You're free to ask me one question as well.
Sent: Thur. 8/28/08 9:17 AM
Subject: RE: LAME.
I'm not even going to comment on your sad affinity for these strange nicknames that you like to give me.
Trust me: You are crazy. You're very, very crazy. I think that you should seek a psychologist or something to sort your mind out. I would suggest Mrs. Lawrence, but I fear that the school would sue your family for any irreversible damage that you might inflict upon the poor woman.
I'm glad to hear that you think so highly of yourself, I guess those self-esteem courses that I was going to sign you up for were a waste of my hard-earned money then. It's not that I think that the girls who go to our school are ugly…they're nice to look at (some of them), but they're such bitches. And they travel in packs. It's like they're wolves or something. Besides, all of the smart, pretty girls with decent personalities are taken. I don't like uggos, and I think I'm allowed to say that because I think my looks are above average.
And no, I have nothing to say for myself. Absolutely nothing whatsoever. I hope you're satisfied.
At least you're smart enough to know that most bands/musicians that come from Disney are absolute crap. I was also really pissed off when I heard "Kids of the Future"; I liked The Muffs' cover the best.
To answer your question, it's my seven-year-old sister, Autumn, who loves them. I have three sisters. The oldest is Joni, who is twenty (the one who told me about Mr. Wicker) and Winona, who is fourteen. They're all a constant pain in my ass.
Now it's my turn. Well, I don't suppose that you would mind telling me your bra size? I'm joking, I'm joking. (Unless you really want to make me happy, then feel free to tell me!) Do you have any siblings? Tell me about them.
Oh, and have fun. There's lots of porn at this time of night.
Sent: Sat. 8/30/08 2:08 PM
Subject: RE: RE: LAME.
Dear Mr. Original Questions Suck,
You know you love the nicknames. Don't deny it. I won't be seeing that any shrinks, even if you highly recommend them.
My mommy and daddy say that I'm wonderful just the way I am, and then they gave me a pack of Disney princess stickers. It kind of pissed me off that they never think to include the cool ones like Mulan or Pocahontas, but whatever. Belle is kind of cool--she likes to read--and Jasmine has a flying carpet and Aladdin! Ariel is okay, but I liked her better as a mermaid. Snow White and Sleeping Beauty irritate me, because they don't do anything. As for Cinderella? She likes to clean, I like to clean. We'd make an awesome housekeeping team, I'm sure. (But my parents want me to do more in life besides cleaning people's houses; apparently, I'm subjecting myself to negative racial stereotypes that way.)
Telling yourself that you're not hideously deformed is necessary! I'm not saying that I'm Rhianna or Keira Knightley or anything, but I think that I look okay. Haven't your parents ever taught you that it isn't what's on the outside that counts, but it's what's in a person's heart? You sound kind of shallow, actually.
What bands do you like, then? You hate the Jonas Brothers and you like The Muffs, or at least one of their songs.
That sounds cool, having all of those sisters! I only had my older brother, Billy, who always hid my Barbie dolls and told me all of these awful family stories that made me cry. Oh, and he pulled my braid when I was nine and acted like he was going to throw me off dock when we visited Pier 39 in San Francisco. He also told me that sea lions were carnivorous and that I would die a bloody death when they ate my arms and toes. He's working towards getting his Bachelor's degree in Civil Engineering at UCSC.
I won't tell you my bra size, but I think my boobs are pretty damn nice.
And I didn't watch porn last night. The Garden State was on, so I decided to enjoy Zach Braff and Natalie Portman.
Oh, and sorry for taking so long to reply. My friend, Eddie, kidnapped me and we met with our group to enjoy the Boardwalk before it closed down for the season.
Sent: Sat. 8/30/08 5:25 PM
Autumn forced me to watch Aladdin and The Little Mermaid when I had to baby-sit her yesterday. Thanks to you, I have "One Step Ahead" stuck in my head again. I'm playing it on YouTube right now, and I'm hoping it'll go away soon. Maybe your mom can meet my mom. That way they can arrange a play-date for the two of you.
Negative racial stereotypes? Those are always fun. My family also gets asked a lot of stupid questions due to the ignorance surrounding our people. "Minorities" unite?
Music that I do like…well, obviously, judging by my e-mail address, I'm a fan of The Doors. I also like The Beatles, Bob Marley, Jimi Hendrix, The Rolling Stones, and The Byrds. I like shit from the sixties and seventies. The eighties kicked ass, and the nineties were pretty cool, too. Today's stuff? It's okay, I guess. I'm not a big fan of MCR or Fall Out Boy. Classic and psychedelic rock speak to me.
Oh, trust me. Three sisters is NOT fun. Not in the least bit. Whenever they're feeling angry at any man for any reason, they take their frustrations out on me. It's kind of sad that I get beat up by girls all the time, but it's true. I manage to retaliate, though. Billy is just being a good older brother. That's how I treat my sisters! Joni is in Arizona, studying Sociology at NAU. I'm feeling extra generous today and I thought that you might like to know that.
You can bow down to me.
The Garden State? What the hell is that about?
My question is: Eddie who? Eddie Hamilton? Eddie Rodriguez? Eddie Clark? Is he even in our grade or is he a year above/below us?
By the way, you're not allowed to have a social life. I forbid it.
Sent: Sat. 8/30/08 7:45 PM
Subject: RE: Funny…
Dear Mr. Girly Man,
How cool! I was listening to the soundtrack from Enchanted when I received your message. Right now, I'm on "That's How You Know", and since I'm all alone, I get to sing as loud as I want. I'll ignore that last snarky little remark of yours. I just like Disney because I like to embrace my childhood.
My family just makes fun of the racial stereotypes--to the point of it being ridiculous. As you might have guessed, my family is Hispanic. My Uncle David will sometimes drive up and down the streets in his son's beat up Chevy, blasting War's "Low Rider" for the hell of it. The neighbors threatened to call the cops on him and he hasn't been allowed to visit our place since. I won't ask you what your ethnicity is, because I'm having too much fun making stuff up in my mind.
That's the kind of music my dad, older brother, and guy friends listen to. I like the Beatles and The Doors, but I never really got into Hendrix or the Stones. MCR is good…in small doses, but I kind of like symphonic metal from Europe.
I'd beat you up if you were my older brother, too. I hope that you and Billy never meet. Otherwise I might hire someone to kill you. You won't be missed. :D
Rent The Garden State. It's amazing. I loved it. The soundtrack is lovely and it made me want to draw something pretty. Since I was too tired to do that a few nights ago, I ate the last of the cookies in our house. And then I watched Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban until I fell asleep. David Thlewis's Hilter 'stache scares me. REMUS LUPIN IS A WEREWOLF, NOT A NAZI LEADER.
My cat, BoBo, just walked on the keyboard. I'm not erasing it because I think it looks pretty.
I will not bow down to you.
And I don't have that much of a social life--don't try to take what I do have away from me!
How was your daaaaaaaaaaaaaay?
P.S.: 34B. Like Paris Hilton's. Happy now?
Sent: Sun. 8/31/08 6:23 PM
Subject: RE: RE: Funny…
I went school shopping yesterday and ended up buying three pairs of jeans, a shirt that I hate, and a hoodie that kicks ass. Then I went skateboarding with a couple of friends and I ignored my family. Why the fuck do we start school after Labor Day?
Sorry for the shortness of this letter. Winona is bitching at me, because she wants to talk to her gal pals. Are we going to meet up at the school, or are we going to keep asking questions until we identify the other person?
Also, nice. About your boobs I mean.
But I thought that you didn't like me because I'm a pedophile. Wouldn't that encourage me to come out and sex you up?
Author's Note: I get bored sometimes, okay? This will get better/more detailed in time. You will see more than just e-mails as the two characters get to know one another, and I'm sorry if MojoRising43 sounds like a girl. Gaaaaaaaaah.