Epilogue
From: mojorisin43(at)hotmail(dot)com
To: charmedbytheowls(at)hotmail(dot)com
Sent: Sat. 10/11/08 7:23 AM
Subject: :D
Izzy!,
I know you're probably sleeping right now, and I didn't want to wake you up…that's why you didn't get a text message from me. Last night was insane. Ryan's parents probably thought that all of us were either drunk or high, and it got even worse when Eddie dished out those huge bags of candy. Does he seriously go out to Costco all the time and buy them in bulk? He should keep doing that if he does. By the way, I loved watching you do that victory dance when you got an 83% on Medium last night when you played Ballroom Blitz on the drums. Are you going to reward your great teacher later on today for that? ;)
My mom wanted me to invite you over for dinner, since we passed the two-week mark of being together a couple of days ago. I know that the thought of meeting my family freaks you out a bit, but I'd really like it if you did that just for me. My arm still hasn't healed from when Nesta scratched me. For a kitten, she sure is a little hell-raiser! No wonder BoBo tries to avoid her as much as possible. If I were a cat, I'd be afraid of Nesta even more than I'd be afraid of myself.
And you know that's saying something.
Anyway, I must be going now. The coffeemaker in the kitchen just turned off and I must feed my caffeine addiction. I'll see you later on today.
- Yazzie
From: charmedbytheowls(at)hotmail(dot)com
To: mojorisin43(at)hotmail(dot)com
Sent: Sat. 10/11/08 11:02 AM
Subject: RE: :D
Dear Super Sexy Boyfriend of Mine,
Thank you for your consideration in allowing me to sleep for an extra hour-and-a-half. I was completely dead to the world when you sent me that e-mail, and I probably would have killed you if you interrupted me for any reason. Let me tell you: I can function off of little to no sleep for a long, long time, but when I crash…I crash. I'm all better now! I just finished getting ready for the day and decided to check to see if I received any messages from one of my favorite people in the entire world.
Today wasn't my lucky day.
-
-
-
-
-
I hope you didn't take that seriously! I can just imagine the look of horror dawning upon your face right now. Guess what? I laugh at you! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I love being cruel.
And yeeeeeees last night was fun. I'm sure you did enjoy that victory dance, you pervert named Herbert. At least all of those hours Amber and I logged into creating such a dance went into good use. That's what we do in our spare time, you know: We create dances for various occasions. The latest one we've completed is the "They Served Chocolate Pudding For Lunch!" dance. You'll probably see us do that some time within the next few weeks in the lunch line. And when you try to cower in fear, if people ask if you know me…I'll tell them, "¡Yazzie es mi novio!"
You know you love every minute, especially when I reward you. (No innuendo intended. In your end-o!)
SDFGHUYTYERHGGDEQWFDGHGGFSDF.
That's kind of how I feel about meeting your family, but I'll do it because you asked me. (Families are scary most of the time! Joni is the only exception, because your sister is an angel. I bet she's in Arizona right now, sitting around fluffing her wings and polishing that halo of hers.) Also, I feel bad because my Rasta Kitty doesn't like you. She can't help it, I swear. No one gets her! BoBo avoids her, Mommy and Daddy try not to be around her, and the mailman claims that she almost ripped a vein out of his legs. I just say he's a big sissy.
Anyway, just name a day and time. I'll be over your house whenever your mom asks me to.
I'll see you later, you silly boy. I luuuurve you times a billion. :D
- Izzy
Amber,
Holy craaaaaaaap! Just shoot me in the foot and give me an injection of octopus ink to my heart. I just realized that today is Friday. Is there any way you can go to the balloon store, tie ninety-nine red ones to a giant basket and ship me off to The Netherlands within the next six hours?
- Izzy
Izzy,
Don't write to me right now! We're in the middle of taking a test, in case you forgot. You're so melodramatic.
- Amber
Amber,
I AM NOT BEING MELODRAMATIC. I AM GOING TO BE EATEN ALIVE!!!
- Izzy
Amber,
Oh, don't you dare roll your eyes at me and tuck my note away like it's nothing. Mrs. Tapia is asleep at her desk and no one is even paying attention. So, about that octopus idea…?
- Izzy
Amber,
YOU'RE A WHORE AND YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN NAMED ROXANNE. THAT'S WHY YOU WORE THAT RED DRESS LAST WEEKEND.
- Izzy
Izzy,
Jesus H. Cox, calm the fuck down! Since when did you start calling people whores? It's that boyfriend of yours, isn't it? Ever since he burnt you a copy of one of those Police albums, you've been calling everyone you know "Roxanne". Yazzie's mom, dad, and sisters aren't going to kill you. Just be cool. Channel your inner Bob Marley.
- Amber
P.S. What's the answer to 27?
Roxanne,
You just don't appreciate Sting for his musical genius. All you do is roam the streets, not caring if what you do is wrong or right. I'll be a Rasta-Reggae Girl, but if his family thinks I'm a stoner…you're dead. I chose E, by the way. You didn't read the play, did you?
- Izzy
Izzy,
If anything, Abigail is the true Roxanne. Winona Ryder did a good job in the movie, but I've got better things to do than read The Crucible.
- Amber
!!!ALERT!!!
New Text Message From: Joni
HOW WAS DINNER?
!!!ALERT!!!
New Text Message From: Russ
Good. Though Izzy got mad at me when I told mom that we met in a chat room for furries who like S&M. Autumn asked her what S&M was straight after that.
!!!ALERT!!!
New Text Message From: Joni
UR SUCH AN IDIOT. WHAT DID SHE TELL HER?
!!!ALERT!!!
New Text Message From: Russ
She said sassafras and mint. Dad got a real kick out of that, but Izzy refused to kiss me good night afterwards.
!!!ALERT!!!
New Text Message From: Joni
HAHA. SUCKS TO BE U.
!!!ALERT!!!
New Text Message From: Russ
I have to help her give Nesta a bath tomorrow.
!!!ALERT!!!
New Text Message From: Joni
THE DEMON CAT?
!!!ALERT!!!
New Text Message From: Russ
You got it. After that, we're watching The Emperor's New Groove.
!!!ALERT!!!
New Text Message From: Joni
DO MOM AND DAD LIKE HER?
!!!ALERT!!!
New Text Message From: Russ
Yeah, they like her. Winona thinks that she's kind of weird and Autumn thinks she's nice…but thinks she's an alien because she doesn't like the Jonas Brothers.
!!!ALERT!!!
New Text Message From: Joni
KIND OF LIKE WHEN YOU MET HER PARENTS LAST WEEK AND HER BROTHER HATED U?
!!!ALERT!!!
New Text Message From: Russ
Shut up. I don't want to think about what he told me.
Dear Yazzie,
Con-freaking-gratulations! You actually managed to get into the: People Who Are In A Relationship That Lasted For Longer Than A Month Club. Give yourself a big pat on the back, you big stud, you. We'll be completely honest with you; we never thought that you'd make it past the initiation ceremony, considering your past history with relationships. Your background check did not impress us very much, but you've been doing pretty good so far. Try not to screw this one up!
It really says a lot about a man when he's willing to put up with the endless questions about his sex life, night time habits, and other awkward topics proposed by his girlfriend's gay best friend. Kudos to you for having an actual sense of humor and not exploding into a million little pieces. Not many men would be willing to admit that he plays Candyland with his sister, or that he once shed tears when watching the last season of Ugly Betty. You're a gentleman and a scholar.
At this point, you're probably wondering why there's so much ass-kissing in this letter. It's pretty simple. The writers are doing it as a way of distracting you so we can be total and complete cockblocks today without you getting too mad. Izzy isn't the type of girl who will just give it up so soon, but we're very possessive of our dear friend. The maximum amount of time you'll be allowed to spend with her alone today is five minutes. Now, old sport, don't be mad. We love spending time with our significant others just as much as you do with yours, but we love irritating the hell out of you even more.
We hope that you understand.
Please accept this poorly-drawn caricature of the two of you and the thirty-eight cents enclosed in this envelope as our means of apology.
Love,
Amber, Cat, Eddie, Jorge, and Ryan
Mojo: Up late, aren't we?
Charm: I could say the same thing for you.
Mojo: Can't sleep. Seems like what they say about Thanksgiving dinners are total and complete lies. I ate my fat ass off, and I'm not tired at all.
Charm: Aww, my poor baby. =(
Mojo: Yes, pity me.
Mojo: My parents would NOT let me out of the house today. I missed you.
Charm: I missed you, too. I kept on looking at my cell phone and Billy would not stop teasing me.
Mojo: He's probably glad that I couldn't talk to you at all today. I swear, he and Nesta are plotting against me. I see the way that cat of yours stares at me all the time.
Charm: Ha-ha. They probably are plotting against you!
Mojo: Isn't this the part where you're supposed to say, "They really don't hate you? They're just jealous of how awesome you are and they don't know how to express their undying love for you"?
Charm: Yeah, I suppose, but then I'd be lying.
Charm: At least one person in the Garcia household likes you. ;)
Mojo: I feel so loved.
Charm: This calls for a sexy party!
Mojo: AWESOME. Can we only invite ourselves to the party?
Charm: No one is invited. We're not even invited.
Mojo: Awww, you're no fun.
Mojo: Can we at least hang out for the entire day tomorrow, then?
Charm: Durr. Of course we can.
Mojo: At least I've got that to look forward to.
Charm: Are you being all soft on me again?
Mojo: Yes. You would not believe all the shit that the guys have been giving me because of it.
Charm: LAME.
Mojo: Srsly.
Charm: Let's build a device that makes them do the Bend and Snap against their will for our amusement!
Mojo: Or post that video of Ryan singing the Bend and Snap song on YouTube?
Charm: Sure!
Charm: LOOK AT MY ASS, LOOK AT MY THIGHS. I'M CATNIP TO THE GUYS. THEY CHASE MY TAIL, THEY DROOL AND PANT. WANNA TOUCH THIS, BUT THEY CAN'T.
Mojo: Oh, God. The memories…
Charm: Ryan put a surprising amount of spirit into his performance. It was wonderful to see a man embrace his femininity with such vigor.
Mojo: If you ignore how creepy he looked while doing that.
Charm: But you laughed your butt off when he caught Michelle looking at him, and he shouted: "RAWR! I'M DANGEROUS! MY BEND AND SNAP WILL KILL YOU. DO I CHAGRIN YOUR DAZZLE?"
Mojo: Indeed, I did. XD
Charm: See? Some good did come out of that scary time in your life.
Mojo: Ryan's going to kill us when he sees the video online.
Charm: Do we really care?
Mojo: Not really. We're just giant pricks like that!
Charm: That's exactly what I was thinking.
Mojo: My God, we're awesome.
Charm: And sadly, one half of this awesome pair is finally feeling the effects of her Thanksgiving dinner.
Mojo: Aww, don't go.
Charm: We'll be hanging out in less than twelve hours. Will an e-hug do for now?
Mojo: I guess it will.
Charm: *hug*
Charm: Nighty-night.
Mojo: Sleep tight. I hope your dreams aren't too weird tonight.
Charm: Fat chance of that happening. But I hope your dreams are pleasant whenever you decided to hit the sack, you night owl.
Mojo: But you're the owl in this relationship.
Charm: Are you trying to trick me into staying on?
Mojo: Damn it, you caught me.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, IZZY.
Joe Jonas sends all his loving in your direction. I'm just kidding. Autumn told me to wrote you that, because she refuses to believe that any girl hates her favorite band. Mom and Dad say that they hope you have fun, and they suggested that one of my presents to you is to let you be right about everything today. I'm going to do that, but tomorrow I'll make up for that by shouting, "YOU'RE WRONG!" whenever I deem necessary. I'm sure you would do the same for me. Anyway, open the damn box that you're probably staring blankly at right about now. Do you like what I made you? I hope you did. The owl took me two weeks to carve, but I think it turned out pretty nice. Now you've got something to wear around your neck.
Have a good one!
Your Maso,
Yazzie
P.S. I found out the other day that "mojo" is another word for "charm". Pretty trippy, huh?
It's Jesus Day today, Yazzie. No sinning today, otherwise I shun you.
- Izzy
Why did you drag me to church again?
- Yazzie
For fun, mostly.
- Izzy
How do you have fun in a church?
- Yazzie
Watch, learn, and run.
- Izzy
Okay, you were right. Shouting, "I'M A MONSTER!" during the most dramatic part of the sermon was fun.
- Yazzie
!!!ALERT!!!
New Text Message From: Izzy
HEY. AQUARIUS BOY.
!!!ALERT!!!
New Text Message From: Yazzie
Yes?
!!!ALERT!!!
New Text Message From: Izzy
Go to your locker, and I mean now.
!!!ALERT!!!
New Text Message From: Yazzie
You got me something for my birthday, didn't you? I told you I don't like birthdays...
!!!ALERT!!!
New Text Message From: Izzy
Please just open the package. I worked hard on it and it was hell trying to take pictures of you when you weren't looking.
!!!ALERT!!!
New Text Message: Yazzie
Wow.
!!!ALERT!!!
New Text Message From: Izzy
So, do you like it?
!!!ALERT!!!
New Text Message: Yazzie
You made me a photo collage of me, you, and the group...how'd you manage to let your teacher use the dark room for all of these?
!!!ALERT!!!
New Text Message From: Izzy
I'm Ms. Tejada's favorite. Does this meet your approval?
!!!ALERT!!!
New Text Message: Yazzie
I love it because you made it.
From: j_yazzie89(at)sbcglobal(dot)net
To: mojorisin43(at)hotmail(dot)com
Sent: Sun. 2/15/09 6:17 PM
Subject: (huff)
Russell,
This may come as a surprise to you, but not everyone enjoys prank phone calls. Especially when they're on Valentine's Day. I was out on a date last night and I did not enjoy hearing messages from a breathy, creepy-sounding man who calls himself Lionel. Did you really think that I wouldn't know it was you? The fact that your girlfriend has a distinctive laugh really did not help the case. Charlie might have thought the questions you asked me were funny, but I didn't. You're lucky that he has a sense of humor and didn't swear at you when you asked him what he was wearing, or if he liked sandalwood incense to "set the mood". You are very immature and inconsiderate and should take sensitivity classes.
- Joni
Izzy,
Are you planning on talking to me any time soon? I'm sitting right across the table and you won't even look at me. What did I do?
- Yazzie
Russell,
You know what you did. Don't lie.
- Izzy
Izzy,
You know I hate it when people call me that. Could you just come right out and say it? Aren't most couples complaining about a lack of communication in their relationship? Here I am, offering it up in the air, and you're not taking the bait.
- Yazzie
Russell,
Have you been reading those self-help books that Jorge has scattered about his room? Those are for New Age-y white women who pretend to be spiritual and the lonely, middle-aged housewives who have nothing better to do in their lives.
- Izzy
Bella,
Fine. Since you're playing like that, I'll use the name you forbade anyone from ever calling you. How do you like dem apples?
- Yazzie
Russell,
ARGH. First you make that comment about Nesta, which is why I'm mad at you, and then you insult me?
- Izzy
Bella,
Sometimes I think that you care more about your stupid cats than you do about me.
- Yazzie
From: mojorisin43(at)hotmail(dot)com
To: charmedbytheowls(at)hotmail(dot)com
Sent: Thur. 3/19/09 8:34 PM
Subject: ?
Izzy,
Come on. We've fought before and it's never lasted this long. I know you were sick Monday and Tuesday, but it's been one week. Are you okay?
- Yazzie
Charm: Yo.
Edworddd.: hey.
AmberLynn: Bonjour.
Mojo: ...
Charm: OI. I thought this was a three-way conversation, not a chorgy!
Mojo: Chorgy?
AmberLynn: Chat orgy.
Edworddd.: I never said it was just the 3 of us, so STFU
Mojo: Is there any point to this?
Charm: Srsly...
AmberLynn: Your idiocy.
Edworddd.: who the hell fights over pets?
Mojo: We do.
Charm: We do.
AmberLynn: Well, that was weird.
Edworddd.: tell me about it...
Charm: Yazzie, you told me that Nesta should be sent to China so they could drown him in a lake!
Mojo: Only because he's evil and you made a joke about how he could eat my new parrot.
Charm: OH...so now we're getting somewhere.
Mojo: Yeah, because we're actually talking about it instead of ignoring it.
Edworddd.: You two can handle this on your own.
AmberLynn: Yeah. I'm gonna watch The Lion King now.
Edworddd. has left the conversation.
AmberLynn has left the conversation.
Charm: OK, fine, it was wrong of me to not answer your phone calls or e-mails.
Mojo: I've been worried about you.
Charm: I'm sorry for worrying you.
Mojo: I don't want something silly like our pets to ruin a good thing, Izzy. It's been five months since we got together, doesn't that mean anything?
Charm: Of course it does...
Mojo: Then please, just talk to me when something is bugging you.
Charm: Alright. I'm sorry I didn't realize that my comment about Nesta and your bird, Mickey, bothered you.
Mojo: Thanks for the apology, but it's all in the past now.
Mojo: Hey, do you want to take this conversation up to the phone?
Charm: Yeah, I miss hearing your voice.
Mojo: You mean, you miss hearing me whistle "You Are My Sunshine".
Charm: Can I help it if you're a damn good whistler?
Dear Yazzie,
Spring Break blows, as does the upcoming STAR tests. Do you know what STAR stands for? "Standardized Tests Are Ridiculous". I wish you weren't in Arizona right now, doing something silly like visiting your family. Amber and I are having a sleepover right now, only Amber's passed out on the floor and I'm up at 3 AM. (Note to self: Never attempt to stay up for 24 hours straight ever again.) I was tracing out different patterns on the ceiling until I got the idea to write you this letter, and I'm listening to Opeth as I do this. Metal makes the soul very, very happy and even the owl around my neck is smiling at the pretty music. You probably know that I wear your gift pretty much all the time, so you're probably not surprised to hear that I sometimes sleep with it on when I forget to take it off. Don't worry, I don't shower with it on, because I want this to last a very long time. I'm not completely irresponsible.
I wonder what you're going to do later on today, and if you're going to challenge your younger cousins to basketball again. I'd like to see that, one tall, scrawny eighteen-year-old against two eleven-year-olds. Did you know that you're really funny? I can just imagine you getting frustrated with them because you lost another game, but coming back because you think that you can beat them. You're stubborn, but that's one of the reasons why I lurve you so gosh-darn much.
OK, now I am feeling kind of tired. I'm going to go to sleep and dream about the Wild, Wild West now.
Sweet Dreams,
Izzy
Dear Izzy,
It's a bit...odd that you sent me a letter, considering I received this on the last day I came here and all, but it seems like you really missed me. I'm probably going to hand-deliver you this. Oh well. You won't be surprised to find out that I just got back from playing a game of HORSE with my little cousins. I actually won a few rounds, so I'm pretty happy. I showed my Uncle Jon the collage thing you made me, and he's impressed. He says that he can't wait to meet you this summer. I'm going to have to cut this letter short, because I'm being called for dinner. I'll see you in 32 hours.
- Yazzie
P.S. This note was tacked on two minutes before I left my house to visit you. Why do you always spell "love" like "lurve"? There's nothing wrong with it...but I feel both the former and latter for you.
!!!ALERT!!!
New Text Message From: Izzy
It's both the former and latter for me, too.
!!!ALERT!!!
New Text Message: Yazzie
I'm glad.
!!!ALERT!!!
New Text Message From: Izzy
:)
!!!ALERT!!!
New Text Message From: Yazzie
We should go to Mr. Wicker on Monday and give him a big thank you.
!!!ALERT!!!
New Text Message From: Izzy
For what?
!!!ALERT!!!
New Text Message From: Yazzie
If it hadn't been for him and all the bad rumors surrounding him, you never would have made that topic asking if they were true...and we probably never would have met.
!!!ALERT!!!
New Text Message From: Izzy
Here's to Mr. Wicker, then and to technology in general!
!!!ALERT!!!
New Text Message From: Yazzie
Thank you all for being such crazy bastards!
Author's Note: Okay, seriously, dudes. This is the end. I'm feeling really sad about it, but I'm glad that Izzy and Yazzie's story was one that I actually finished.
I really want to thank everyone who ever read, reviewed, favorited, alerted, or critiqued this story. You guys kept me going, even when I considered deleting this in early November. Thank you for convincing me to not give up. You all seriously rock.