Wednesday, 8.27.08

One tear on my left eye is all I could manage in the while I've been like this. So sad it's impossible to even cry correctly. I've told myself before that I'm incapable of doing many things, but I never thought crying would be one of them. How miserable, how unfortunate, how sad it is to be lonely. How can it be possible to be feeling so sad that you can't even cry? When my heart cries my eyes always show off, what would make a difference now? Maybe my eyes are just tired of it. If that is so, I'm surprised they didn't get tired sooner since they work so much and so hard. They barely get vacations and just about one day off. I mean, if I had such a tough and cruel job I would probably cut myself into tiny pieces with a plastic knife for more torturing pleasure. Ha-ha, that would take long though and I don't have a lot of patience.

I don't even know what to tell myself anymore. And yes, I have to talk to myself since nobody else is willing to. I want to get out of here! I dislike this. I really dislike this. No, it's more than that. I think…I think I hate this. Wow, hate is a strong word, I don't use it often. Why hasn't he called me back? He can't be sleeping, he's probably playing games as usual. His stress-reliever is Video Games. I sort of wish it was me. I want to be able to be of use to him, why does he act like he doesn't need me!? I want him to need me! I want him to need me just as much as I need him! My eyes are burning and they're red like a tomato. Why can't I just cry already! I'm not doing anything to stop it! I dislike humans so much. Since I'm no longer allowed to enjoy the thought of death, something stupid has come to my mind. I wish I could become something else. Like a living creature but something else. Not an animal or tree or alien if they exist, just something else. I'm scared of that thought and I don't know why. I'm such a weirdo. I'm scared of so many stupid things. I'm scared of tiny bugs. About a week ago there was a little butterfly in my room and I was so afraid I had to call my little sister to come and catch it while I waited outside. I screamed like someone was sticking a pencil thought my right ear and trying to pull it out of my left.

A tear…

This is working, I am feeling better. Now I have to go enjoy this moment of solitude and sadness. I hope the tears keep flowing, I don't want to get stuck again.