ALWAYS FALLING

The water, the cold, black, endless water, the waves crashing down on the rocks. A jump from here would be deadly, yet the water looks strangely inviting, as if it is calling me towards it. Or maybe the idea of death is what is calling me down there, the thought of ending my empty life – after all, that's why I came here.

They say the moment a person jumps, that very second they regret it, they see how their life can get better and the ones who survive are always happier for it. I don't know if it's true. Right now I don't feel anything. Is it even possible for me to feel regret? I don't know, I haven't felt anything in a long time. Food doesn't have taste any more, I only eat for my mum. Going through the days, school is so hard, I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep, slip into the blackness, it's the only comfort I get. But it doesn't last, nothing ever does.

One thing has lasted through my hopeless existence, though – numbness. It started as sadness, overwhelming sadness. I'd hoped it would pass but, as the days flowed into nights and the nights into weeks and the weeks into months, my glimmer of hope faded along with any feeling I had left. Now all I am is numb. The only thing I do still feel is this sense of falling.

Always falling, only falling.

If I fell off this cliff would it feel any different? Would I be any different?

I don't laugh any more. My friends told me that. They say I'm different, and they sound almost worried. But they're not. Nobody worries about my pitiful existence, and why should they, anyway?

My teachers say my grades are slipping, they say they are worried about my future.

Who said I had one, anyway?

I hadn't noticed how close to the edge I had gotten. From this angle the water looks even more inviting. It splashes against the rocks as if it is playing, trying to entice me to join it and to play in its depths forever.

I wonder how many people it has invited to its black gloom. What did they feel? Did they regret it or were they like me?

Always falling, only falling.

I have given up, this battle is over, the water is willing me to join it and now I'm graciously giving in and coming to its depths.

They say the moment a person jumps, that very second they regret it.

I don't. All I feel is falling.

Always falling, only falling.