i miss you
by:
october lies (november 16th, 2008)


"i don't ever want to feel like i did that day"
-under the bridge, red hot chili peppers

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on the thirtieth of every month, she spends her night looking through pictures and doing her best to remember everything, to remember as much as she can about his eyes, his belly, his laugh, his black sense of humor. she tries as hard as she can to remember what he looked like, his white beard and leathery skin and his crooked right pinky. her body remembers the way hugging his giant body, his big belly getting in the way of everything, but never bothersome. her nose remembers the smell of the beer in his words and smoke in his breath. her heart remembers the dip into the acids when he died, all alone in his house, and the way we all sat at our house, laughing with my grandma, waiting for her to go home. her hands remember the feel of the cold metal of her coffin as she carried it with three others to the hearth, then to a stand, wearing high heels the entire time. her ears remember the dullness of the gunshots and the pathetic routine of the memorial. her eyes remember the way the soldiers poorly folded the flag, one end poking out four inches and only two stars showing. she remembers the rip of her heart as she held his hand one last time and cried about him for the fifteenth time. she remembers that she doesn't ever want to feel like she did that night, those days, those weeks, because she felt like she could never dig herself out of a hole that deep, that bottomless. (and she didn't - she was saved and carried out on an emergency fucking helicopter lift and just barely), so she doesn't make any effort to get close to her four other grandparents, states and lives away, and does her best to make her grandmaacrossthestreet happy as can be. but most of all, her mind remembers that, of her three grandparents, he was the first to go, and the best over all the rest.


07/30/07
you'll always be my papa.

if you give me a single word of criticism on this, i swear to god, i will find a way to fucking slit your throat, you insensitive slut/dousche.
thank you,
that is all.