Chapter One: Welcome to My Life

1) Katy, Melanie, Kim, & Me: Because he's sexy!

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2) Me: Leah, are you on drugs?
Leah: No, I'm on your mom!
Me: (stares)

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3) Callie: Have you ever committed suicide?
Me: Uh... Callie...
Callie: Huh?
Me: Think about it...
Callie: Oh! I am such an idiot!

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4) Me: You are an idiot!
Mrs. Bockenstedt: She means that in a self-esteem affirming kind of way.

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5) Hanna: My dog is a Yorkiepoowawa!
Maddie: What's that?
Hanna: It's a Yorkie, Chihuahua, and a Poodle mix.
Maddie: So it's a three-way!

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6) Me: Where is my flipping eraser?
Mrs. Bockenstedt: Watch your almost language, Lauryn.

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7) Mrs. Murphy: Are you a boob?

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8) Mrs. Murphy: Are you on drugs?
(See # 18)

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9) Mrs. Murphy: Are you asking me when you can be an idiot?

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10) Callie: Have you ever watched midget porn?
Me: Uh... no...
Callie: You should!
Me: Uh... why? Have you seen it?
Callie: No

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11) Hanna: I'm gonna kill your ass!

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12) Me: Fuck the system!
Bridget: (scoots away from me)

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13) Hanna: Shoot me, please.
Me: No, we'll, shoot each other at the same time.
Hanna: Okay.

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14) Mr. Larson: Life sucks. And then you die.

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15) Hanna: Crap on more crap!

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16) Michelle: Like a bus! Choo, choo!

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17) Hanna: Want to take the Vow of Silence tomorrow?
Me: What the hell is that?
Hanna: It's a protest against the discrimination of bi's, gays, and lesbians.
Me: Wait- how does that help gays and lesbians?
Hanna: I don't know.
Connor: WHAT?!

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18) Mrs. Murphy: Today we're going to find lines in nature.
Steffan: The sun is a line!
Mrs. Murphy: Are you on drugs? The sun is not a line!

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19) Leah: I can un-shit myself!

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20) Mrs. Welch: Knock, knock, puddingheads!

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21) Kerry: It's not rape if you say "surprise"!

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22) Leah: Your dad's on your mom. That's how they made you.

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23) Leah: The blonde one must die.

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24) Bridget: What planet is Jared from?
Me: The same one Brian's from.
Bridget: (kicks me)

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25) Leah: But he cheated on me-
Me: He PEED on you?
Bridget: (laughing) Ch-cheated!

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26) Bridget: You think, Alex?
Workin: On Tuesdays.

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27) Nathan: What's with the email you sent me? So what, now I have to throw rocks at Anna's window? I'd break it! And flowers? Flowers are expensive, Lauryn.

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28) Me: Hey, guys, did you ever notice that all the months end in "er"?

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29) Me: Today's been a bad month for me.

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30) Me: A doctor a day keeps the apple away!

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Characters: Chapter One

Katy

Melanie

Kim

Me

Leah

Callie

Mrs. Bockenstedt

Hanna

Maddie

Mrs. Murphy

Bridget

Mr. Larson

Michelle

Connor

Steffan

Mrs. Welch

Kerry

Workin

Nathan