April 18th 2009 - Broken Record

I don't know why you bother apologising to me. You're never going to change. After every breakdown you have, after every bad day it's always the same. You cry and you cry and you apologise for 'losing the plot' and try to convince me you're so very very sorry.

Oh but I know you're sorry, you always are.

Nobody helps you do they, nobody cares! You're so unbelievably jaded by your own bitterness and double standards that you can't see how lucky you are! I have always been here for you. I have always taken care of you. But where are you when I'm in pain?

You're in the medicine cupboard of course. Or you're delving into your purse to throw some more money at me but you can't cure me, you can't buy my love.

But of course I can't tell you how I feel because heaven forbid the spotlight should be taken off of you!

Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if I weren't in it? Because you know, we can always find out, I wouldn't mind.

In fact, I would love it if I weren't here.

I started self harming again. I mean I never really stopped - I stopped cutting but the other forms were still there. And now I'm in that dark place again where I just want to curl up into a ball and rot but of course you can't see that. You don't care.

And I hate you for that.

You'd only be angry with me if you knew how I felt so why do I bother even speaking to you? It's pointless, everything is pointless and worthless and I'm such a failure.

Next time you wonder why I'm looking for the plasters or why I, despite 'your best efforts', am still going insane, do me a favour. Look in the mirror, princess.