Well hello! It's been a while I know.. sorry. Lots going on in my life, I won't bore you with my actual life, don't worry. Anyways, more to the point. I'm trying to keep going, I won't quit on this, so please don't quit on me. Song is "Novocaine for the Soul" by Eels. Good song, my favorite from them is actually Susan's house, really cool song, give them both a listen.

This one is dedicated to my obsessive, threatening, Nakama Connections, who will let me know... constantly, that I take too long. Good old brutal honesty 3

Also dedicated to everyone who reads, reviews, and comes back to this story.

Language and drug use warning still apply

For every soul sucking gut wrenching moment I had lived in my old life, I wish I had this.

After the first party life just seemed to become a big party.

I mean, honestly, and I'm sure you won't believe it, but it wasn't about the high, or the feeling of being drunk... It was the feeling of absolute freedom from my OWN messed up reality.

It wasn't that free-falling, breathless, 'I can't feel my own skin' thing for me. It was more like breathing out of my own lungs for the very first time, after being underwater, touching things with my own hands and seeing things trough my own eyes without a layer of shame and disappointment to make me regret or question anything; especially myself.

I mean, I won't lie and say that I didn't get the awesome affects of being under the influence; it's just that it wasn't everything.

After my first time, I learned restraint; I understood the importance of not losing myself, just shedding some baggage.

I was more or less in a constant state of buzz.

I mean yeah I was high and the whole detached from my skin feeling did happen from time to time, but still by the end of the night I could still walk on my own two feet to the car, make it all the way home, close the door behind me and then crash into oblivion, in the threshold of the building or on the stairs or the floor, until the sun woke me around 3 pm the next afternoon. Considering my whole 2 day blackout, that was a huge improvement...

But back to my original point, it wasn't just about the high, it was like even if I had a difficult day or annoying customers, I'd always know, without a shadow of a doubt that things could be better and brighter and that in the grand scheme of thing none of that mattered, because when I was high or drunk out of my skull, I was happy, I only saw the beautiful and good things! When I wasn't weighed down by my destructive, oppressive thoughts and beliefs I was a happier person and I laughed and joked and LIVED!

In my old life, I hardly existed, I was a shadow and while that may have been my role in that life, I dwelled on it and let it be my whole life and purpose for existing. Ya know... if that even makes any sense... But now, I could see beyond the bad and didn't have to pity myself because I knew nothing was even that bad really, with all my new friends, I didn't even understand how my old life ever mattered to me.

It was like I was coasting through it all; trying everything life had to offer... But now in moderation. The fact that I still couldn't remember what had happened between Evan and me was grating on my nerves and after what I now guess where just imaginary phantom pains, I covertly bought three home pregnancy test, only satisfied with the result after I got physical proof, if you know what I mean...

It was still unsettling that we could have actually done something big and I'd never be any the wiser.

But onto lighter things...

After everyone realized I was all onboard for the parties and, mostly, everything that happened in them we attended the parties two or three times a week. On Tuesdays or Wednesdays we usually went out and scored small doses of everything but the parties shut down much earlier. If it started around 9 pm it would end at maybe 12 am and the venue kicked out the last unconscious customer onto the cold concrete at 2 am on average.

It was on those days when we went to be social and meet new people, when they only gave us enough drugs to loosen up but nowhere enough to really get wasted unless we tried.

It was a good system, and I'd met plenty of cool people. The good times were rolling in.

So that is why I ended up here on a Wednesday afternoon in July. I mean yes it was the forth, i.e., a reason to let loose and go crazy, but I sort of felt like that would have been better achieved finding a nice beach somewhere and catching fireworks... But then again why go through all the trouble looking for fireworks when you can make your own?

Since, honestly I had nothing better to spend my paycheck on since Evan didn't collect rent or utility money and all I spent on was the food that I ate and gas when I wanted a ride somewhere and drug money, I had a decent amount to blow.

I used it on clothes.

Kind of lame I guess, especially compared to the rest of my new life, but I mean I didn't leave home with my whole entire closet packed up...

After the first few times, I didn't need Gwen to hold my hand and tell me what I liked anymore, I was finally starting to understand my personality because I was finally starting to have one, beyond the poor little rich girl thing. I mean in a place like this with what Gwen and Evan went through, I got no pity for my less than impressive sob story.

I bought brands and styles I never even thought of trying on before because I felt like I'd look like a poser or a wannabe in school...

Like it fucking mattered, I know! Who cares if anyone cared about what I wore... Sorry to interrupt but this is a now though, an older and wiser me talking because it still mattered then..

Really, it's only because none of these people knew me here, none of them knew I was actually a nobody. I passed off the lame wardrobe as a consequence of running away from home on such short notice but the truth was that my wardrobe was lame.

So back to the activity at hand. Shopping.

I only really shopped so I'd have things to wear when we went out. Like tonight, we were going to a firework party...

Really there were actually no fireworks involved. It was called a "firework party" because of the place housing it. The same warehouse we went to the first time.

Tonight, the warehouse was decorated with burst of paint on the walls like explosions and a dozen small strobe lights were position almost at random giving off fireworks everywhere without the noise or the threat of a flaming death that actual fireworks had.

We arrived fashionably late to the shindig, and things were already on full swing, sweet spicy smoke filled the air and hit me the moment I walked into the haze.

The atmosphere was amazing, the air was buzzing with energy and anticipation, and for the life of me I couldn't tell what it was all about. What we were all waiting for? Then again, it seemed I was the only one who felt the dangerous edge the night had to offer, the threatening vibes that were coming from all directions. I brushed it off as new clothes jitters and the hard hit of drugs I had taken walking into the warehouse.

We all split up relatively quickly. Evan leaving first, and everyone fragmenting off to different groups and corners promptly after, me included, since I didn't need to be eased into the whole scene anymore and just melded effortlessly into the places where we went.

It was wonderful and beautiful, the air was charged with lights and sounds and everything was good, life was nice... And then in the midst of the fun and the lights and the fun time happy vibe, I saw Jen sitting in a dark shady alcove to the side, with a guy I'd never seen before, and for no reason, I knew something bad was going to happen, before anything even started.

I again brushed off my inexplicable paranoia as drug nerves and walked over to the two, in an effort to be nice and social, ya know, meet someone new.

I went over with the intent to sit next to the guy who was in the process of teaching Jen proper use of the needle he had just sold her.

"-I mean even so, if you get confused, call me, you have my number." His voice screamed "shady guy you should stay away from because he's nothing but bad news even though he is kinda cute in that dark mysterious way..." you've gotta know at least one of those..

But since Jen was gay, I guess she didn't get bad guy vibes, I wonder if she had a heightened sense of different types of girls, at that moment.

"Yeah, thanks. I hope you're right about this stuff", she said pocketing the things she got. "Thanks again, Petey. You don't know how much you're saving my life right now." She said with a tired smile

He gave her a lopsided half-smirk that I think would have made her swoon if she were straight, since it made my knees wobble a bit as I stood shocked, nearby them and he wasn't even sending it to me!

"Umm, hey Jen" I suddenly felt nervous for the first time in weeks in front of this guy, but a chill ran down my spine when I sat between them, feeling awkward. They both seemed so relaxed that suddenly, I felt too sober, like if they started a conversation at this moment I'd feel like the designated driver, not understanding there drunken babble, it was sort of weird.

Come to think of it, it was even weirder that I noticed that. I think I was building a tolerance to the small doses I was sticking to, but liquor helped to keep the buzz alive and really it was all I needed.

She cleared her throat and cast shift eyes in my direction and quickly to the Pete charecter I was seated next to, before resting them on me again. After blinking at me for a moment, with a lost expression, she smiling widely at me and answered overenthusiastically, making me even more suspicious. "Hey Elle, have you met my friend Pete?"

Well, whatever she was buying, he was her supplier... Or is it dealer?

Don't ask me, I never acually bought my own drugs...

I knew I wasn't going to like this Pete. It was one of those feelings you get when you start a day at the store and said "hi" to a customer and they responded by cutting off your greeting to tell you what they wanted, as if you weren't just saying something. Then all you can think is 'oh, I just know I won't like you and get bent if you think I'll tell you to have a nice day.'

Well meeting him gave me the same vibe, although I was the one who was less then excited to hold a conversation.

Okay, not the world's greatest analogy, I know, but it's as close as I can get at the moment.

Moving on...

We small talked, Pete and I, about the party and the offerings, while Jen sat silently and awkwardly without saying a word. It wasn't until Pete offered me some coke that Jen quickly stood and rushed me out of my seat and away from the whole curious situation mumbling a quick goodbye to Pete.

I'd often wondered why I had never had anyone at a party or at home offer me heavier drugs.

Stuff we did were drugs, yes, but the highs I got lasted very long for me, unless I had them with lots of liquor, and covertly chewed a couple early on in the night.

No one had ever offered me coke or heroin or meth and no one gave me the answer as to why, although it was simple. That stuff was easily addictive, and people tended to overdose VERY easily. Few people I'd ever heard of hosted those things at parties and made appearances for too many parties afterwards.

No more interruptions I promise...

So as she ushered me away from her dealer, and I remembered what it was I saw in the first place. My still drugged mind was hazy and wandering.

"Are you out of your mind?!" She shouted, although the sound was hardly audible with the sounds around us.

"What are you talking about? Can't be that bad if you bought something."

She clammed up really fast after that, jumping back like I hit her. Her face wiped blank for a moment and her timid work face worked itself onto her face. She fidgeted with her long-sleeved white shirt.

Her tie and blazer, which a moment ago looked so natural and effortless, looked awkward and large on her, like she just shrank.

"It's different" her quiet voice spoke. "Look, believe me, nothing Pete gives you is worth it.."

"But you-"

"It's different."

"Jen look, if something is going on then-"

"Don't tell anyone else I was talking to him, please. They'll just meddle." She exhaled loudly through her nose "I need to deal somehow" she muttered.

"Jen, I'm not letting it go. What's going on? What did you buy?"

"Heroin," sweet, quiet, mousy work Jen was gone, but so was happy, smiling party Jen. The Jen that said that was different. Not happy or smiling but still confident, even despite all of that.

"And you think I'm insane?! That stuff is dangerous!"

"And vodka and ecstasy isn't? Don't be a hypocrite Elizabeth. Don't you try and preach me on the dangers; I practically taught you everything you know!"

"Look, geez, were all in the same boat, I'm not judging you.." I said in response to here attack

"No we aren't! I'm not some rich kid with issues, I'm a lesbian and my parents kicked me out because of that. My whole life has been hard, "

"But... What? When?" I asked, realizing how little I really knew about her

"Almost six years ago" her voice was quiet and monotonous

"Just cause you're gay?" I said, thinking about my own sister's gay phase and my parent's response to it.

She chuckled humorlessly "yeah, I was 13 and they kicked me out, withdrew me from school, moved away and told all our family I had died. I think they actually had a funeral for me, but I'm not sure." She said it with such a careless shrug I was dumb struck.

"What did you..... Ya know, what'd you do?"

"I liked in a homeless shelter, enrolled in a public school and cut myself until they kicked me out of the shelter and sent me to rehab." She rolled up the long sleeve of her shirt and I saw the dozens of thin little scars marking her arm. "In rehab, I met a guy who introduced me to this party scene and got me the music store job. I got my GED and a place to live. And that's that. My glamorous life in short."

"I.. I didn't know." I felt stupid after I said it, but it was just instinct, natural response

"I don't blame you, I understand, I didn't expect you to know any of that."

"Thanks."

"Well, now you get it.."

"But what about Mina? She totally loves you! What if something were to happen?"

"Her brother wouldn't mind if I od-ed one day... Or just jumped off a building" she mumbled the last part of her statement.

"Who cares about him, does she know what you're doing?"

Her eyes got hard, when I asked "I swear, if you tell anybody-!"

I threw my hands up protectively, "I don't plan on saying anything, I'm just saying, what if she found out?"

"It's not like I haven't done this sort of thing before, okay, I was on meth and I bounced back just fine." She brushed it off with a roll of her eyes

"So then what, you're going to push your luck?"

"I guess so." She huffed like I was annoying her. "Maybe you just can't get it, but when I'm on this, life is great, and so am I. Without it I feel like any minute now,I just might die. This stuff, is really just like.. I dunno, Novocaine for the soul. It-, it's like it fills this void that I always just feel, it helps keep me feel grounded when it seems like everything is going to sputter out of control.."she tapered off and I felt like I had heard something like that in a song before.

It was weird, because I felt like she was mimicking my own thoughts, albet a little more extreme then me, but still, we both felt like the drugs kept us happier and stable.

Thinking about what I might be involving myself in next, I sighed, shook my head, stood up, and walked away.

The loud party music was distracting my newly established revelation and the lights were starting to sting my eyes.

I went to the bar, got two beers and returned to a relieved looking Jen.

"I wouldn't just leave you here, alone."

"Thanks Liz" she said looking to the side with a silly little smirk "It's nice to know someone stuck by me."

"What are friends for?" I asked using my key chain bottle opener to pop off the beer caps; we clinked our glasses and a warm companionable silence fell over us.

Shorter than usual, I know. I felt it was a nice spot to stop though. Hope you liked. I'll work on better time management...