it's been a while since i've thrown up because of the pills

so long in fact that it was oddly nostalgic, in a fucked up sense.

I kneeled down on my floor, clutching my stomach with my eyes burning tears

and could remember so many nights were I had been this foolish before

to attempt to make the pain stop with different medications and drugs

or with drinking

and I can almost see myself laying on that bed in my childhood room

smoking a cigg idly while hallucinating warped colors and smiling blankly

though on the inside I was crying so hard and it hurt so bad

and back in those days I was really alone and really scared

and I didnt even think that I would be alive to see these days anymore

and it shocks me that I made it this far, past a drug addictions and past

my risque sexual addictions... why did I luck out? So many lost it,

yet here I am, sobbing in my dorm room wondering just how I played

my card so well.

because today I got to hang out with several friends, I laughed and chatted,

and did a homework assigment, and turned in my passport to leave and...

I wasnt depressed.

Back then I couldnt even think of a time that the self depreciating angst

crippled me and stung

during times my arms were so sliced up you couldnt see skin

and my parents thought I was lost, they thought that the next time I went

to that emergency room would be my last

and I know that they are so proud of me now and I'm proud of myself

but yet sometimes I feel I've just traded one addiction for another

and that I'm still self distructive just in different ways

isnt that so scary? How you can last for so long on such a high

but then relapse, you were doing so well you told yourself. so well.

and like a lie your mother used to tell you when you were strapped up

to IV's that beeped your lifeline;

a soothing comfort even if its false in every sense;

"It'll all be better in the morning."