I opened my eyes, trying to forget the nightmare that haunted me in my sleep. When I was up, I felt my bed a bit moist. A dress is hugging my fragile body. Then, I realized that I didn't have a nightmare. It was all reality. Everything I thought happened in my dreams, were real. Memories were flashing back to me vividly.
I couldn't believe it. I stood up from my bed and different emotions pulsed through my veins. I was angry. I loathed myself. I pity myself. I couldn't understand what I feel. I stood by my bed with dress in disarray and the bags under my eyes were dark. I tried to cry, but, it seems that I ran out of tears. My eyes were dried out.
Ryan's name flashed in my brain and I wanted to throw everything in my room out of the window. I want to talk to him, and plead not to leave. But, I also don't want to be begging in front of me not to leave. It would do badly to my ego. I stared the phone next to my bed and I wanted to snatch it and dial his number. But no, I won't. It wasn't me who left, it was him, and why would I be begging? It should be him.
I walked to the bathroom lifelessly. I stood in front of the mirror and stared at my reflection. My hair was a mess. My eyes were puffy and tired. My cheeks were flushed and my forehead seemed to be creased with worried. I looked at my dress, it was completely disarrayed. I washed my face, thinking that it might somehow help how I look right now. But, when I raised my head and gazed at the mirror, it was no help. I still look like a mess. An ugly mess.
I turned around to rest myself by the sink. I gulped and closed my eyes. Ryan's smiling face flashed. I opened my eyes in horror and sniffed. I can hear his musical laughter surrounding me. I covered my ears and pushed those depressing reminiscence aside.
I removed all my clothes and went in the shower. I want to cry, cry so hard that all the pain in my heart would disappear. In the shower, I can cry my heart out, knowing that it wouldn't be obvious with the pouring water.
After the shower, I lazily went out of my room and went to the dining room. My parents got worried when they saw me enter the room limply. My mother darted towards me and asked what's wrong. I stared at her and continued walking towards the chair. I sat and took one of the toasts. I started nibbling when I spoke softly, "Ryan and I broke up." In my voice, loss, hurt, pain, and anger were heard. My mother sat next to me and caressed my back.
"Honey, there are still a lot of boys out there." My mother said comfortingly.
"But, there will always be one Ryan." I blurted.
"There are a lot of boys out there who is better than Ryan." She poured me juice and helped me with my breakfast. I noticed my Dad placed the newspaper down and turned towards me. "Do you want me to talk to Ryan?"
I shook my head. "Dad, no, I don't want to beg him to come back to me. Because I know he won't. He is always sure with his decisions."
"If he is always sure, then, why did he ask for your hand? Then decides to leave you so soon?" My
Dad inquired. I looked up to him and saw that he was also in pain. I am my Daddy's little girl, and he will do anything so I won't get hurt. I couldn't answer him and I returned nibbling my breakfast.
My father let out a sigh. I was sure he annoyed, and angry. Annoyed, because I am not giving him the responses he wanted. Angry, because he trusted me for the decisions I made, and I failed him. I drank some of my juice and stood up.
"I will be in my room, if you need me." I said.
"Denise," my mother summoned. I stopped and waited, "will you fine tomorrow? You still have classes to attend to."
I nodded and left immediately. I went to my room and lied on my bed. I stared at the ceiling and wondered how my life would turn out after this. I don't know what to do. Every decision I made, a consequence is coming right back to me. I resign. I will let things happen their own way. I will choose my mind over my heart. I will ignore what my heart says and follow righteously what my mind says. Because everything my mind says seemed to be right. And all things that my heart made decision turned out to be a real mess.
And there's one important thing I have to do, I need to move on.
It has been a year since the break-up of Ryan and me. I have to admit I haven't really gotten over it yet. But, I tried to find ways I could spend my time so I that I wouldn't brood in one corner and think about us. I spend most of my time in school, practicing, hanging out with my new and old friends, studying and just to kill the time. I thought when Ryan left me, my life is over. But, apparently not. It made me actually stronger and wiser in making decisions. It was an experience I'll never forget and I've learned my lesson. As what the song of Paramore says, that's what you get when you let your heart win. Don't follow your heart immediately and make decisions without thorough thinking. You would suffer the consequences and regret it later. I accepted I made I mistake. I moved on.
I watched the television screen in front of me. Switching channels every now and then, trying to find something worthy to watch. I left the couch and took a food from the fridge. When I got back, I realized I left the TV on the Sports Channel. The report was about Tennis, so I settled myself and watched.
It was about the Tennis Competition in England a week ago. New players all over the world gathered and joined the event. I wished I heard about it earlier so I can join. And I can visit the country England, as well. I continued watching and there is a player who was interviewed. As I watched the player's face, it reminded me of someone. His eyes were electric blue. The hair was longer but the same color, rich chocolate brown. The shape of its face is very much alike.
'Ryan Williams, one of the most watched tennis players here in England is one of the players who'll be joining the event.''
Oh, damn, it is Ryan!
'So, Mr. Williams, how'd you feel about the competition?' The interviewer asked. I didn't try to change the channel to show how strong I am. And that I have already moved on.
'Pretty excited. This is my second tournament in tennis. I want to reach the Finals this time.'
'Yes, the other tournament you had, you only reached the Quarterfinals. What did you do to prepare for this event?'
'Well, I practiced more. I tried to improve my backhand. I am also working on my service to make it better and aim more aces.'
'Good to hear that. Well, good luck to the competition, we hope we'll be seeing more of you soon.'
'Thanks.' Ryan smiled after saying that.
Oh, that's it. I am not over him yet. The smile that captured my heart was on TV Screen. He looked more handsome than a year ago. His face a bit disheveled but he still looked neat. He was thinner, but just enough. It brought out his eyes which is his greatest asset. I switched off the television and closed my eyes.
No, I am not over Ryan, yet. It is just impossible to forget him. I felt a tear trickled down along my cheek. I wiped it away and ran towards the door. I retrieved my coat and went out of the house. I needed fresh air. I decided to go to the nearby park. That was the place that calmed me.
When I reached the place, I settled myself in one of the benches and breathed the fresh air around me. I closed my eyes and continued taking deep breaths. It helped me to relax. My lids were still close when I felt wet drops at my arms. I opened my eyes and wiped it away. I gazed towards to sky to see if it was raining. It was.
How cruel life can be! I tried to forget everything, but sadly, the nature won't help. I hate it. I hate myself.
I hate the fact that when I tried to remove my thoughts of Ryan, the rain started. Memories with him, under the rain, continued flooding my thoughts. His words were still ringing in my ears. How could I forget?
'Are you crazy?' 'Do you want to get sick?' 'Do you like it when someone is with you? Under the rain?' 'Can I be that someone?' 'I want to be your friend, alright!' 'I love you, Denise.'
His memories continuously haunted me. I abhor it so much. I don't deserve it. I am here, brooding, being miserable, while he is out there in England reaching for his dreams. Life is just so unfair.
I sat in the bench and raised my legs. I placed my head between my knees and cried. Why am I suffering so much when Ryan is so happy?
Right, he is the one who broke up with me. So, technically, I am the one holding the grudges. Did he actually love me? Or was it all a lie?
I stayed, curling in the bench, when I felt the rain stopped. Yet, I could still hear the spatters of the rain.
"How many times I have told you not to stay under the rain?" I closed my eyes, trying to forget the voice that haunted me in my sleep. But, I am sure that I wasn't hallucinating. I raised my head, and saw the shiny black leather shoes in the cement. I dragged my eyes upward. And wished I didn't.
I saw the person whom I do not want to see.
He was standing there, his one hand on the pocket of his pants, while the other is holding the umbrella. He was wearing a tuxedo with a loosened tie. A sly curve of his lips was lying across his face and his eyes were sparkling magnificently. It retained the same electric blue color in it, but now it was more visible.
"Hello." Ryan greeted.
I gulped. Hard.
"What the hell are you doing here?" I answered angrily.
He blinked and smiled timidly. "I came here to see you."
"What do you want from me?"
"I miss you, Denise."
"Oh, now that's crap." I stood up angrily and left.
"Denise," he bellowed and reached for my hand, "I'm sorry."
"Why apologize? Is there something you've done wrong?" I asked sarcastically. I yanked off his hand, but his grip was so strong, that I couldn't let his hand go.
"Yes, I made the biggest mistake of my life," He paused and looked into my eyes, "and that was leaving you."
"Are you trying to entertain me with your humor? It's not working, you know." I replied sardonically.
"Will you please shut up for one second and listen to me?" Ryan barked. I was taken aback. Never did Ryan raise his voice to me.
"Thank you." Ryan said and loosened his grip on my hand. "I am sorry, Denise, for breaking your heart. You are right, I am cold-blooded and I am arrogant. You missed out hypocrite, too. I thought it was easy for me to let go of you when it was still early. But, I didn't realize that the short span of time I spent with you already made a great impact in my life. When I was back in England, I never thought of anyone else but you. I wondered if you are alright, and if you are happy. It was a tormenting experience for me. It took me months to get over you, and unfortunately, I didn't. Denise, I have loved you, and what I am saying is true." Ryan said; his eyes were staring intently at me.
"Whatever." I scoffed and jerked his hand away from mine.
"What do I have to do for you to believe me, eh?" Ryan asked, "Do I have to kneel down before you?"
"Don't be such a jerk."
"I am not trying to be a jerk." He replied. He gave the umbrella to me, "hold this." He raised his pants a little higher and knelt.
"Ryan, don't start a commotion."
"I am not."
"Whatever, Ryan." I scoffed and left. I was already on the other side of the road when I turned towards his direction. He didn't move. Rain was pouring all over him, making him drenched. I decided to stay where I am and observe him.
He never left. He knelt there for hours. Getting attention from the by passers. People asked him if he is alright, he shoves them away. He ignored all the stares he was getting and all the gossips. He knelt there unperturbed.
It was dusk, and he was still there. He closed his eyes; I can sense he is tired already. Or hungry or thirsty, maybe. I watched him there on the park. Looking so sad, and pitiful.
I couldn't watch him any longer. I walked on the other road. I sauntered slowly and stood up in front of him. This isn't my heart telling me, it's my mind. So, I am pretty sure that I am making the right decision.
"Ryan," He raised his head and smiled slightly.
"You haven't forgiven me yet." He replied curtly.
I was silent. He was actually asking my forgiveness. I gulped and swallowed my pride. "Fine, I forgive you. Stand up."
He stood up slowly and moaned. He sat on the bench immediately.
"My knees hurt." He groaned in pain while scratching his knees.
"I'm sorry." He smiled mockingly. "What?"
"Now, you're the one apologizing?" Ryan bantered. I scowled and left him. His hands were quick enough to reach me and he pulled me which made me land on his lap. He smiled amiably. I turned my head away from him, trying to hide the blush of my cheeks. He reached for my chin and turned my face to him. He moved his face forward and kissed my lips lightly. When he pulled his lips away from mine, he smiled.
"Do you still the same thing about me?"
"I hate you," I said. His face saddened. "Because you make me fall over you all over again." He smiled widely and pulled me into an embrace.
"God, I miss this." He whispered softly.
"Me, too." I said as I snuggled more to his neck. My arms were wrapping his broad shoulders.
He pulled me and asked, "I am curious, do you spend much time under the rain like before?"
I shook my head.
He raised his eyebrow. "Why?"
"Because it reminds me of you. I hate it so much."
He nodded. "How about now? Do you still hate it?"
"Not anymore." I smiled.
He beamed and kissed me again.
Now, everything's back to its right place. Thank you, Ryan.
It's done. Finally. :D Hope you'll read my new story. Thanks :D